delicous Posted August 26, 2011 Author Share Posted August 26, 2011 We are still talking to eachother and I still send him pictures, hes still so much in my heart, its just never ending.... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 27, 2011 Share Posted August 27, 2011 Your posts are so passive when in reality you have control over how you choose to react to your feelings about this person and you have control over what you want to do with your life to a far, far greater extent than you describe in your posts. I hope you reevaluate your passive approach since it doesn't seem to be working for you. That's great that you like your job! Link to comment
delicous Posted August 27, 2011 Author Share Posted August 27, 2011 I still cannot seem to want to let it be the end for good....Its the weekend now and all I want is to have him near me, see his face ...this sucks.... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 27, 2011 Share Posted August 27, 2011 What you want is normal. How are you going to choose to react to what you want? Link to comment
delicous Posted August 27, 2011 Author Share Posted August 27, 2011 I don't know anymore...Im pretty much hateing it right now and just am having a hard time copeing...I told him I miss him but I know it is what it is...I didn't ask for him back, I told him through text, I want him, hope he wants me to and this is why is why I thought itd be a bad idea to try to be friends. He never asked back and its been almost a whole 12 hours of not speaking....=( I seriously am falling into a early depression and I don't want to be this way... Listening to Rascall Flatts isn't helping and watching that movie "Dear John" certainly didn't make things any easier...But all I want to do is listen to sad country music and conteplating what I want to say and do ....or if I even want to say anything or just keep doing what I am doing...Its pathetic, but true , so true... The hardest part about it was that I said "this isn't goodbye, this is just Ill see ya later and I told him...in the future, if we decide to try to make it work again, I hope I can make things right..." And he told me he is glad I don't hate him and everything I said sounds good.... hes basically been not communicating with me ever since I sent that I wanted him still =( And I feel so weak right now... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 All of those feelings are normal, you just have to decide whether the long term goal - moving on to a healthy relationship - is worth the short term hard part now. Is it? Link to comment
delicous Posted August 28, 2011 Author Share Posted August 28, 2011 No clue...Im completley wanting him back again...I think I love him or something, not sure , maybe not...maybe I am...maybe he is too and afraid I will break up with him again the next week,, it seems to be what I do best.... I can't blame him... I don't do it for good, ever though...Its more like to give him and I space from each other....I am not that angry with him at all but I appear to sound that way sometimes in certain text that I send to him....I always do apologize in my text and then just leave him be....These last times, he always came back but I have this bad feeling in my gut, that this is really it. He really doesn't want to try and fail again, I don't blame him thinking that way.... I messed up by breaking up with him over something we could of just as well discussed as 2 adults and came to a decision about, but instead I decided to just let him do what he wants and let him know I don't have to be apart of it...And broke up with him... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 I don't think you can treat a person like that - walking away dramatically as if it's a break up but promising it's not "for good" -that is an unnecessary emotional rollercoaster and a bit arrogant of you to assume that he will wait for you until you decide the "break" is over. I agree that you should walk away but the being in limbo thing is counterproductive for both of you. So I agree with you assessment. Instead of focusing on "I want him back" I would focus on "how am I going to react to wanting him back and how will that choice affect me long term". It's the easy way out to keep with "I want I want" - many people feel tempted by things and people that aren't good for them in the long term but the work is to then use your head and common sense to decide whether what you want benefits you- if you just want short term benefit continue to have sex with him as you've been doing for months and accept the risks and consequences. If you want the long term benefit of finding a healthy long lasting relationship then your history with this person shows that he is not the right person for that. He might be in the future -the distant future- but certainly not now and he hasn't been up to this point. Link to comment
delicous Posted August 29, 2011 Author Share Posted August 29, 2011 I didn't really walk away...we walked together and talked outside on his porch and then went back inside, hugged and kissed and made up pretty much...the next day is when I ended it and it was through a phone call...I do know I broke up with him for a stupid reason and should of just kept quiet, not texted or called unless it was for something important.. But instead I did it again, I texted him so many text telling him my every feeling about everything, questioning his faithfulness.... Im a wreck but Im just trying to move on right now...Hopeing one day he will call or show up....but not counting on it anytime soon.... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 I didn't really walk away...we walked together and talked outside on his porch and then went back inside, hugged and kissed and made up pretty much...the next day is when I ended it and it was through a phone call...I do know I broke up with him for a stupid reason and should of just kept quiet, not texted or called unless it was for something important.. But instead I did it again, I texted him so many text telling him my every feeling about everything, questioning his faithfulness.... Im a wreck but Im just trying to move on right now...Hopeing one day he will call or show up....but not counting on it anytime soon.... You walked away from the relationship by breaking it off with him. That is what I meant by "walking away" Link to comment
delicous Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 I want to make a new thread---but id rather just post it here, you can read the whole story basically.... But I then posted it and decided to erase it...it made me upset and made me wonder if someone would figure me out and who it is Im talking about, so I left it alone... I still very much love the hell out of him, but I know we need space and Im not talking 2-3 weeks...Im talking months, maybe yrs.... It has not worked out many times now...Although Im realizing I only broke up with him about 3 offical times, the rest was us trying to work things out and me questioning every move.... Its the hardest thing to do, aside from getting over my ex prior to him...I have baggage, he has baggage...he was supose to be nothing but my rebound sexual partner, thats it!!! Then I fell for him, he asked me to be monogamous with him, which I was and continued to be... Now its so upside down and Im so heart broken....its rediculous! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 I think you have your answer in the "broke up 3 times" -how long were you actually exclusive -with his ex really being an ex - a few months? That speaks volumes. Of course you might be good together in a few yyears but I would not keep him on your emotional radar now for the possibility that in a few years you might date again. Link to comment
delicous Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 I hear ya...I do...And he called today and we did not decide to be back together and he explained to me he didn't text or call back because he knows if he did, we would fall back into it again because we always have in the past...At least he maned up and called... He told me he would like to stay friends and hang out sometime, but he didn't specify when or if we ever actually will .... I am torn but I guess since he man'd up I need to woman up and stop feeling sorry for myself, try to clear my head of him by being busy, maybe even get some councelling and really work on me, so if we ever do decide to be friends or get back together, or if I end up with anyone else, I don't make the same mistakes and think the same way because apparently I have an issue with being away from someone I really like for a long period of time and apparently I also have issues with being ignored for a whole day... Im assuming in a normal, healthy relationshi, it is normal to not talk to eachother every day. Its out of the norm for me because my previous relationship, we kept in touch every day pretty much from the day we started talking... In the beginnning I was really busy with life and I ignored him a few times and called off plans last minute which he explained to me made him want me more...But now we are broken up for now a year and he is married and has moved on with his life...Just saying,"I" felt like everything was really good with us......And at the end, he told me he felt suffocated....=( I need to do something because I LOVE being in a relationship, guess I just need to learn from this...=( Saddens me because he made me so happy and feel like by him telling me he still likes me and wants to be my friend and be there for me if I ever really need him, its leading me on to believe he is telling me there is still a chance, which in all reality, I think he is just being nice, I don't know....I am hoepful, but it is not something I am going to push at him anymore. Its not right for either of us at this point. So I think I have my answer....Possibly... All of those feelings are normal, you just have to decide whether the long term goal - moving on to a healthy relationship - is worth the short term hard part now. Is it? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 I'm glad you have this mindset. In all my serious relationships we were in daily contact - that's what worked best for me (and for the guy in question). I wouldn't have liked being in daily contact if I thought the guy seemed to feel obligated to call. Link to comment
delicous Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 yeah....I figured its the norm in a healthy relationship....he even asked me today if I would freak out if he cancelled plans with me or something like that, cant remember his wording....and he said " or would you just say okay and remaine calm and chill?" I told him I don't think id remaine chill, we tried to be friends during our whole relationship and it just didn't work...He told me..."Well I still want to be there for you if you ever need me and want to hang out every once in a while." I told him oook...but I tried asking him if he is okay and everything, we talked about how badly both of us wants sex still, thats about it though...Thats when it clicked...It tells me thats all I EVER was to him...I didn't make a big seen and mention that to him, just let him go, since he was busy working whenever he took the time to call me....Pretty messed up..... I was doing my laundry today and was folding and putting away clothes and pulled some of his shirts out of the pile, I wanted to cry, I literally stopped, held it in my hand for a little longer and thought about him, thought about calling, then just folded the shirt and went about the rest of the clothes...That, right there is where I think I need to learn to control my emotions and I think I handled it level headed by not giving into my urge to call... It seems like now that I am single, so many guys want to date me, be with me as a friend with benfits and just talk to me and all I want to do is to tell them all to leave me the hell alone, even though im officially on the market, doesn't mean I want anything to do with men right now...Is it normal to not want the drama after all that? Pretty sure it is....lol I want to call him right now before I go to bed, but Im going to bare down...I really thin no contact can work and it did with us but if the 2 of us aren't mature enough for a relationship, no amount of no contact is going to bring us back together....I thought if we tried to work on a friendship without focusing on sex, sending any pictures to eachother and just talking about our day, it would graduallly, naturally fall into place, that is if he gave a care about me in the first place, but even then.....Id still be upset his ex still contacts him...Its like a no win situation, eventhough I do care so much, maybe I just shouldn't....Easier said and thought about then actually done and executed... =/ Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 It's not a no win situation. You win by staying away from this unhealthy situation so that you can be ready for healthier situations. As far as being single it sounds like you two weren't exclusive for long at all so you've been single most of this time. I don't see a problem with your talking to men -don't you talk to women? If you have close friends you want to have sex with that's your choice but it sounds like there are men asking you to have sex with them when they're horny -that's not "friends with benefits" that's simply a sex buddy - from what you've written you have a hard time separating sex from emotions. Look, you chose t o get attached to someone who had a serious girlfriend. On the plus side you had fun and great sex. The risks of getting involved with someone who is cheating on his girlfriend are obvious and you are experiencing them now (yes even though they broke up - I'm sure many of your trust issues have to do with his values that it is ok to cheat on a partner). Link to comment
delicous Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 Yeah...Im learning that and have learned from it and just need to move on.... Link to comment
delicous Posted September 1, 2011 Author Share Posted September 1, 2011 I Miss him though, so its easier said then done and learned from...Maybe a couple hours later, I will be saying, I don't miss him and want him back... I don't know, maybe it is just being triggered by being alone and being afraid to be alone? I don't know, and these guys def just want sex, one of them wants more, but hes moving an hour away, so ...yeah... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Yes of course it's easier said than done- I've written that to you many times. It takes work and a belief in the long term benefits to stay away from an unhealthy situation. It's hard when there is sexual chemistry of course. My point throughout has not been to question your feelings, just to point out that you can control your reactions to those feelings- which you are doing right now by not contacting him. Good for you! Link to comment
delicous Posted September 1, 2011 Author Share Posted September 1, 2011 I contacted him once for help...But I txt him back letting him know I already got that help...He called today, I didn't pick up, left a voicemail.... Just saying hes sorry he didn't pick up, would of helped me...Blah....Call him later after work, if I want... I really do have a desire to hear his voice and chat with him, but I still think its a little too soon to be engaging in convo...you think? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 I think you should not be in contact with him for at least several months and not until you are in a serious, stable, happy relationship with someone else Link to comment
delicous Posted September 2, 2011 Author Share Posted September 2, 2011 I don't think I want to be in a serious relationship. And I want to remaine friends with him and get to know him, but by him not calling, it doesn't give me a chance to try to get to know him better. I honestly feel torn between what I need to do and what I want.... I can't stand to think about him being with someone else though, which means I am still very very weak to this whole concept. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 I don't think I want to be in a serious relationship. And I want to remaine friends with him and get to know him, but by him not calling, it doesn't give me a chance to try to get to know him better. I honestly feel torn between what I need to do and what I want.... I can't stand to think about him being with someone else though, which means I am still very very weak to this whole concept. I don't think you can be a friend to someone you have a strong attraction for. And if you say you love him which you've said so many times then what do you need to know about him that you don't already know? What is your real motive for wanting to be "friends?" Link to comment
delicous Posted September 2, 2011 Author Share Posted September 2, 2011 I want more than friends...Im starting to think about him more and more... I told him this earlier this morning, I texted him that I don't want to move on.....he hasn't called though, so Im assuming he doesnt think the same at all....Im done with him, but Im having issues moving past it and making a fool of myself...I just need to STOP! =...( Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 3, 2011 Share Posted September 3, 2011 I want more than friends...Im starting to think about him more and more... I told him this earlier this morning, I texted him that I don't want to move on.....he hasn't called though, so Im assuming he doesnt think the same at all....Im done with him, but Im having issues moving past it and making a fool of myself...I just need to STOP! =...( Thinking about him is perfectly normal, wanting to be more than friends is perfectly normal - not to sound like a broken record but you seem to ignore that you can control how you react to all these feelings - you don't have to react by contacting him - you are the one making that choice and you have to be ready to accept the consequences of that choice. Link to comment
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