Break Up sex?

[Batya33]

It sounds like you have weighed the risks and the benefits and decided that the benefits are worth the risks. I know for me if I even had to ask my husband (before we were married) "would you cheat on me if I was pregnant and not able to have sex" I would know that he was not the right person for me. But you and I have different standards and values -and there is nothing wrong with that in the least, we're all different. It's good that you've given it this much thought. Good luck.

[delicous]

Thanks....I appriciate all of the advise and knowledge youve given me...

Its going good so far, he told me he is really going to try this time and I have nothing but good things to say so far...

[Batya33]

Thanks....I appriciate all of the advise and knowledge youve given me...

Its going good so far, he told me he is really going to try this time and I have nothing but good things to say so far...

 

I am glad he has been trying to behave in a different way for the last 3 days.

[delicous]

lol yea me too...

[delicous]

We have been in contact a lot more than we were, its more of him answering his calls and less ignoring calls...But theres still an issue Im going to have to bring up to him and it may break any hope of trust he may have had in me but I need to address it. Its his cellphones, He doesn't put them on ringer, he keeps it on silent or vibrate...Makes me think hes hiding another girl from me or HER...(its prob not her seeing as I overheard a convo he was having with his mom asking him about her and he was telling her they don't talk anymore, are not friends and it is what it is, then she asked about me and he openly told her im over there...i do know for a fact that his ex and his mom talk through facebook and email....He email was on auto password sign in and I went through it...One was from his mom, but it was a long long time ago like the first few weeks after she moved out...In it it read that she was sorry that they had to end and she deserves a prince who will treat her like a princess and it went on....and she said "who knows what the future holds..." So Im assuming they were kinda close, couldn't be that close since his mom lives in another state and only comes down once to twice a yr, if at all...

 

I know he doesn't have a lot of friends and he does have a a construction job so he has a lot of clients calling him to fix and build stuff, and sometimes he just wants to not answer the calls because its his day off or whatever... and maybe thats why he has it on silent, but.....I don't know , its like he has a code on one of his phones, so I can't get in it even if I want to just look at a music or something....Then The other phone, I saw a text from a girl he use to date who he told me and her that he wasn't planning on talking to her again because she tried sabatoging our relationship earlier into this whole mess....The text was randomness, nothing sexual or of any kind of "hanging out" status, but I still am concerned...

On a lighter note:

He is treating me a lot better than he really ever has...for example, hanging out with me alone instead of zoning out with his roommate and brother playing video games and whatever else they do ...He spent some one on one time with me and the night before that..Took me grocery shopping along with him and let me pick out what ever I want, went on a random drive together to the store, held hands and walked a talked , looked at movies, shared a couple....MANY laughs and funny moments...The night before he also seemed overly sweet as far as what I would like to eat, how id like it...Asked me what I want to do....Played games with me, kissed me in the rain...We sat with eachother watching the storm...Our eye contact is very intimate...Theres so much that I love about him...I do love him, just not wanting to say those words until I know for sure he feels the same and want to make sure I keep seeing his behavior and make sure its not just to keep me on my toes....I am hopeing this is just "us" this time...He told me shes out of his life and him continueing to see her behind my back was what the problem was and there are no problems in our relationship anymore....He really wants this obviously judging by how he treats me latley...

 

 

 

 

The weekend was an overall success, its just this phone situation thats stressing me out...

I hope he understands what I am trying to get through to him whenever I do decided to discuss this issue with him. I hope he doesn't get mad at me or disappointed with me because of my lack of trust.....I just don't want to invade his privacy anymore than I already have But for good reason, he was continueing to have her come over, that was very distracting and stressful....

Shes "out" of his life....So he tells me, and im in his life and feel like the only girl in his life, so why can't I just relax and let this run its course? Im so paranoid about being cheated on......

[Batya33]

I wouldn't be involved with someone I didn't trust and where I felt tempted to go through his personal phone or e-mail. I don't see how true love can co-exist with that level of distrust. That's nice that he buys you things. What's more important to you -how he makes eye contact with you and the shopping sprees he encourages, or knowing that you trust him to be loyal to you and that looking at his phone to check whether he is trustworthy would never even occur to you - much less that you would actually stoop to snooping. I know my answer -what's yours?

[delicous]

I don't quite have an answer...He doesn't take me on shopping sprees...He took me with him to go grocery shopping for his place and told me to get stuff id like to snack on or eat while at his place....I dont know how to feel at this time, I am happy we are together and thats a sure thing, but yes, the phone thing bugs the bejebus out of me.

[Batya33]

When you wrote that he told you to buy whatever you wanted that is what I thought you meant. That's nice of him to tell you to buy things you would like to eat at his place. My suggestion is that you speak to a professional on why you are violating his privacy, why you don't trust him and why you are involved with someone you don't trust.

[delicous]

The last time I Spoke with a professional, it was right after my break up with a man I loved and thought loved me for 2.5 years...The "professional" told me to keep in touch with him, he discouraged no contact and guess what it did? It made him even more resentful towards me and we can now never be on speaking grounds, so Id perfer not to see a professional phyco, thank you very much...Yes the trust thing is starting to fade, I think it was just that day and my time of month mixed together causing unwanted horomones to think negatively....I think hes being faithful, I think at least...I can kinda tell the difference in him and it hasn't reverted to his old secretive self...

He holds me, the way he looks at me...So many things...the other day he had me come over and didn't make me drive...I just hopped in his ride and went to his place and he took me home the next morning...he's been pretty great...

[Batya33]

If you trust him then why are you violating his privacy continuously? Hormones are not a real excuse for that kind of behavior. I am sorry the professional you saw did not help you. It just means you should look for a different professional who might be able to help you. Snooping in someone's phone and computer and continuing the cycle you're in of break up/get back together/snoop/feel anxious isn't healthy -that is why I suggested talking to someone.

[delicous]

Bataya...It was a sudden urge, not something I think about doing everyday. I really don't think seeking professional help is going to do me a bit of good. Thanks for reading and trying to steer me in that direction, just don't feel its that much needed. Him and I are really starting to talk and get to know eachother, sex is often still but feels very close and intimate every time. We don't have too many akward moments, his phone this isn't bothering me as much....And I don't look at it every chance I have, just bugged me that his phone was on silent....like hes trying to hide something....

But my gut tells me he isn't trying to hide anything.

[Batya33]

Bataya...It was a sudden urge, not something I think about doing everyday. I really don't think seeking professional help is going to do me a bit of good. Thanks for reading and trying to steer me in that direction, just don't feel its that much needed. Him and I are really starting to talk and get to know eachother, sex is often still but feels very close and intimate every time. We don't have too many akward moments, his phone this isn't bothering me as much....And I don't look at it every chance I have, just bugged me that his phone was on silent....like hes trying to hide something....

But my gut tells me he isn't trying to hide anything.

 

Many people have sudden urges, but acting on those urges to violate someone's privacy -a person you claim to love- is a whole different story. That's all I meant. I'm glad you are feeling better about him and the relationship.

[delicous]

Thank you, I appriciate your comment though, for sure...Whatever you have to say is welcome =)

I am happier than ever with him though and I told him we had a great last 2 weekends together and Ive been coming over to his place every night...I know, I know...I need to be careful with seeing him too much, but its hard because its addicting to see him and everything...He takes me over to his place and drops me off every morning..hes been doing it since like tuesday lol.. Anyways.. After I told him we had great weekend and everything, he told me he has really been trying to be more responsive with his phone calls from me even if hes busy, he will take it and let me know he is busy and will call me later...

 

Its been an amazing turn around since she finally decided to leave him a lone and him her...Im not putting all my eggs in one basket though, Trying not to drop my guard too much, but I since he loves me and its so hard to not say it. Its so hard to know Im sensing this and not react and tell him... I just can't do it. I think we need more time...Just a little bit more time...We are definetly getting there. He told me he has been so happy with me since we got back together and doesn't want to lose me again.

Its been really nice, thank you for continueing to read my progress report on this man lol.

[Batya33]

Glad you are having fun and that things are going well.

[delicous]

Yeah...we got in a fight...I think maybe your right and I just need to get out before I get anymore hurt than I already have been....

I don't know what else to do, with him, im a mess, without him im an even bigger mess but sourt it out eventually...like the time I went out of state

for a week, I felt a mess in the beginning but at the end of the trip and even when I returned back to my state, I felt different, fufilled with happiness...

As soon as he called and wanted to talk and have dinner, I jumped to see him...I should of just backed off while I still had the courage inside of me to do so.

 

Its just a mess....I can't explain it elsewise.

[delicous]

We talked about what happened and are working it out...

 

This weekend really rubbed me wrong because he wasn't to touchy feely and sweet like he was last week....The weekend felt very stressful and I felt it by the way he acted, like he was acting more distant and didn't respond to my touch..... We talked about it and he told me we just both prob were getting tired of eachother because we were together every day that week. I told him I had a bad feeling about the weekend.....And low and behold...lol

 

We are still together...just trying to work things out...hopeing to not get into anymore fights...

[PaintWithLight]

We talked about what happened and are working it out...

 

This weekend really rubbed me wrong because he wasn't to touchy feely and sweet like he was last week....The weekend felt very stressful and I felt it by the way he acted, like he was acting more distant and didn't respond to my touch..... We talked about it and he told me we just both prob were getting tired of eachother because we were together every day that week. I told him I had a bad feeling about the weekend.....And low and behold...lol

 

We are still together...just trying to work things out...hopeing to not get into anymore fights...

 

I think you are right to be concerned. This guy just continues to un-impress me. It sounds like he has a Narcissistic personality and is juggling so many other attachments with other women that he needs to relate to you within very tight boundaries. When pressured, he can "turn over a new leaf" and attempt the nice guy role but after 2 weeks, he can't maintain the role any longer. And he finds a fight to create the distance that he needs. Then promises to keep working on it so it draws you back in again.

 

He has you on tap for sex and fun but will only drip feed you enough of his time and attention to keep you keen. When you force the issue, he will relent and start taking your calls more and increasing the contact. But as soon as he is in the clear, he will drop the involvement level down to the bare minimum.

 

You are way out ahead of this. You speak of him as a future husband when he has not even proven himself to be a decent boyfriend. Please evaluate why you look at things the way you do. Your friends sense something off about him. He has had a very erratic history with you. I think you really have rose colored glasses on when you talk about him. It does not seem like he is really into you. And yet you put up with it, so the game continues....

[Batya33]

We talked about what happened and are working it out...

 

This weekend really rubbed me wrong because he wasn't to touchy feely and sweet like he was last week....The weekend felt very stressful and I felt it by the way he acted, like he was acting more distant and didn't respond to my touch..... We talked about it and he told me we just both prob were getting tired of eachother because we were together every day that week. I told him I had a bad feeling about the weekend.....And low and behold...lol

 

We are still together...just trying to work things out...hopeing to not get into anymore fights...

 

The problem will continue to recur until and unless you decide you trust him or decide that since you don't you need to walk away. That is where the arguments are coming from -you are interpreting all through your assumption that he is untrustworthy. I also wouldn't trust a person who dated me while in a relationship or who flip-flopped constantly as this guy does, with the difference being that I wouldn't have gone on more than one date once I learned that he was in a relationship, so walking away would have been far easier. You chose a different path, I suspect because it feeds into your need for drama,yearning,longing which you interpret as "love" but which is really just insecurity-triggered drama.

[delicous]

You know, I wrote this whole paragraph to both responses and then decided to just erase it...I read it over again and am starting to really see an unhealthy pattern of events that keep happening. Im not stupid, Im smarter than what I am coming off to be....

 

how many times have i said "this is the time he is going to give me what I deserve" and "this is it" and "this time he really is trying." And so much more to convince not only you guys but myself that he is trully a great man...Im so scared that what Paint with light said is actually true...I can't go near his phone in front of him because he will think im too much to handle "like that I don't trust him" but I honestly can say I do not trust him, I may never trust him and the reason I keep wanting to make it work is because Im trying to convince myself I will change and one day see enough signs to realize I CAN trust him...

 

This is exhausting and I don't want to go through this over and over again....He even told me the other day that if deep down inside I don't feel like he is the one, then to go look for him and he will continue to stay in my life and maybe one day I will realize he is the one for me...something on the lines of " follow your heart and do what you want to do" He told me it will hurt him because he feels like Im right for him and prob am , no , I AM the BEST he can ever get....Is what he said....so he went from " you are probaly the best I can ever get to , No you ARE the best I can ever get.....The other thing that flipped me the freak out is whenever I did finally say I love him and when I said love, I said "Luv ya, have a great day baby" He told me he feels like he is on the same wave legnth and feels the same way I do. I texted him the other day telling him how much I feel for him and how much he means to me and that Im not looking for anyone else and feel like he is great for me or whatever....And hope I am great for him as well...Anyways after I texted him that "a day later." is when I hung up on him when he called, I was disgusted that he didn't call or text me back about anything I said...

 

Heres what he said " It is going to take me at least 2 years" to know you fully....And I don't know wth that means dude...Whats that mean? Does that mean, he doesn't love me? Or refuses to make it known even if he does for 2 freggin years? I don't get it, honestly don't and I told him I got to know my bestfriend inside and out within like 5 months of continuously seeing eachother and being with eachother. He didn't respond much, just kinda looked at me in the eyes with that look that can melt away my every angry feeling I have towards the situation...

Kissed me and held me and told me he feels the same way...like he wants to get there with me and wouldn't keep trying if he felt it was a lost cause.... and has a hard time expressing how he feels...

 

I have to get ready to go to work, but.....Yeah....I don't know what to say anymore...maybe I am just settling..=(

 

Im sick of it!!! I love him, this is true but maybe I am confused what love is...After all Im only 23 yrs old, only been in "real actual love" ONCE...And he BURNED ME worse than any man could ever burn someone they "claimed to love."

[Batya33]

I don't think this has much to do with whether or how he touches you - that is just what you choose to focus on when the underlying problem is you don't trust him and you filter all of his actions through that mindset of distrust. Seriously- do you want him to respond to your touch out of obligation? And why do you need a response every time- especially in public? Sounds like it makes you feel like he's still yours if he touches you. I have news for you -if you can't internalize that someone is "yours" meaning, your partner, loyal to you, cares for you -then no amount of touching or responding to touch will help - you'll just find another action he does that will make you feel like you can't physically hold on to him (because emotionally you are insecure). You won't hear him sneeze and you'll say "why didn't you take my hand when I offered it?" "Um because I had snot all over my hand, ok?" It will drive him away especially because he knows it's just a sign of deep insecurity and mistrust.

It's like my 2 year old -he is starting to learn that when I physically walk away from him and "disappear" I will come back soon -and he cheers when I do (very cute). But he has to learn to internalize that sense of security so that when his mommy walks away, or, eventually leaves for a few hours at a time, she hasn't abandoned him, she still loves him, she'll be back soon. You haven't reached that mindset/emotional ssecurity with this guy, you're taking it out on him by subjecting him to your rules 'you must respond to my touch" and he is going to run because he feels suffocated. I still think that your mistrust is justified but I am just explaining things from his perspective.

[delicous]

You know, I wrote this whole paragraph to both responses and then decided to just erase it...I read it over again and am starting to really see an unhealthy pattern of events that keep happening. Im not stupid, Im smarter than what I am coming off to be....

 

how many times have i said "this is the time he is going to give me what I deserve" and "this is it" and "this time he really is trying." And so much more to convince not only you guys but myself that he is trully a great man...Im so scared that what Paint with light said is actually true...I can't go near his phone in front of him because he will think im too much to handle "like that I don't trust him" but I honestly can say I do not trust him, I may never trust him and the reason I keep wanting to make it work is because Im trying to convince myself I will change and one day see enough signs to realize I CAN trust him...

 

This is exhausting and I don't want to go through this over and over again....He even told me the other day that if deep down inside I don't feel like he is the one, then to go look for him and he will continue to stay in my life and maybe one day I will realize he is the one for me...something on the lines of " follow your heart and do what you want to do" He told me it will hurt him because he feels like Im right for him and prob am , no , I AM the BEST he can ever get....Is what he said....so he went from " you are probaly the best I can ever get to , No you ARE the best I can ever get.....The other thing that flipped me the freak out is whenever I did finally say I love him and when I said love, I said "Luv ya, have a great day baby" He told me he feels like he is on the same wave legnth and feels the same way I do. I texted him the other day telling him how much I feel for him and how much he means to me and that Im not looking for anyone else and feel like he is great for me or whatever....And hope I am great for him as well...Anyways after I texted him that "a day later." is when I hung up on him when he called, I was disgusted that he didn't call or text me back about anything I said...

 

Heres what he said " It is going to take me at least 2 years" to know you fully....And I don't know wth that means dude...Whats that mean? Does that mean, he doesn't love me? Or refuses to make it known even if he does for 2 freggin years? I don't get it, honestly don't and I told him I got to know my bestfriend inside and out within like 5 months of continuously seeing eachother and being with eachother. He didn't respond much, just kinda looked at me in the eyes with that look that can melt away my every angry feeling I have towards the situation...

Kissed me and held me and told me he feels the same way...like he wants to get there with me and wouldn't keep trying if he felt it was a lost cause.... and has a hard time expressing how he feels...

 

I have to get ready to go to work, but.....Yeah....I don't know what to say anymore...maybe I am just settling..=(

 

Im sick of it!!! I love him, this is true but maybe I am confused what love is...After all Im only 23 yrs old, only been in "real actual love" ONCE...And he BURNED ME worse than any man could ever burn someone they "claimed to love." Im still heart broken...Its been almost an entire year since we broke up...I was going through old pics the other day and ran into a picture of the first month we were together, like he was so in love, he took pics of me while I wasn't even looking and other pics and the one that really got me was the one of both of us kissing eachother....I couldn't look away from it....It was special and we had something good....Did I ruine it or did he?

 

 

So I tried moving on....Most people usually do that after being crushed into a million pieces...And this is what I end up with...Hes similar to my ex in many ways...They both work in constuction, were players previous to meeting me..=/ both dropped out of college, both fear to be in the army, both have racist beliefs but still continue to act like they don't whenever one of color comes around....both have been in very serious relationships prior to me...both close with there family...Well my ex isn't anymore because they despise the girl he ended up with and despise what he did to me....

 

They have similar lifes...But this one Im with right now , his parents were swingers and ended up together and married, (both atheis but want to believe) he's a little different because my ex was a moocher when it came to his family and this man Im with is the opposite, he takes care of his family very well...Makes sure to pay his friend, mom, dad and brothers cell phone bill, is very careing, will do a job for the bare minimum if not free....If he is friends with the person...very social with strangers , which my ex was not quite like...My ex was more quiet and hated everybody type of attitude...ANyways....

 

I think there may lie the problem...Im going for the same type again...

[delicous]

I think the reason I want him to respond to my touch more often than not is because we are on the rocks but the other reason is to show me he freggin cares, not because I am not mature enough not to have him touch me...Just for right now, not forever if we choose to stay together for long term...I know hes coming back if he walks out of the room.

 

Just have anxiety about him seeing other people. I am supose to be his girlfriend and I have a lot of anxiety as to whether or not he's really being loyal and faithful. Another reason I like touch is because all previous boyfriends touched me a lot and I like it, thats all...Im a touchy feely person and who knows, maybe thats not what he needs right now...I am who I am though and I demand to have feelings reciprocated back so if I feel like touching him, rubbing his back and legs or just holding his hand, I should not feel unwanted and get a sense of coldness back from him...And thats what I got this whole last weekend...

[Batya33]

I think it's very unfair to expect someone to show love to you in exactly the way you want and when you want it. If you want to feel unwanted because he doesn't respond to your touch 100% of the time then that is your problem not his.

 

My analogy about the 2 year old was just that - you don't trust that he's loyal to you and faithful to you so when he doesn't respond to your touch that confirms your insecurities and distrust

[delicous]

We both have different opinions of that, but Im not like that....I already wrote what I meant about it ..which was that he should try a little harder if he wants to keep me....If it goes good right now and the next few months and than a few months later, I won't need the response to my touch....Its something I feel will strengthen our relationship. look up link removed

It explains just how much touch can do...and how it strengthens bonds...

[Batya33]

I am sure that if a person with any credentials wrote that article he or she would not be a fan of imposing on a partner to respond to your touch every time you touch your partner, no matter the context or timing or situation or whether he feels like it. That is what I was commenting on not the importance of touch.

 

I am not sure what you mean by "try harder" - there is "doing" and "not doing" - "trying" is irrelevant IMO. I also don't agree that you can know that in a few months of him responding every single time you touch him that you won't need it any more - definitely not if you don't get to the bottom of what your insecurities are or why you don't trust him. JMHO.