delicous Posted August 13, 2011 Author Share Posted August 13, 2011 Uuum...Ok....we think differently, I think its important and you obviously dis agree and do not think so...Im insecure yet staying with him, maybe thats where I went wrong... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 14, 2011 Share Posted August 14, 2011 Uuum...Ok....we think differently, I think its important and you obviously dis agree and do not think so...Im insecure yet staying with him, maybe thats where I went wrong... I think touching is essential and bonding. I think the way you behave about touching is likely to push him away. If I felt insecure in a relationship I would not stay if the insecurity was because I did not trust the person. To me, by definition. a serious romantic relationship should be, among other things, a situation where you feel secure and at home with the person. Link to comment
delicous Posted August 14, 2011 Author Share Posted August 14, 2011 I felt secure and at home with him but then days later, its flip flopped to being insecure and curious if theres another girl hes screwing around with...=( We aren't talking right now, ive tried and nothing....Hes ignoring me because thats what he thinks I want...I tried talking to him about something I should of just kept my mouth shut about... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 14, 2011 Share Posted August 14, 2011 I felt secure and at home with him but then days later, its flip flopped to being insecure and curious if theres another girl hes screwing around with...=( We aren't talking right now, ive tried and nothing....Hes ignoring me because thats what he thinks I want...I tried talking to him about something I should of just kept my mouth shut about... To me unless you're secure 98% of the time (and I'll take reasonably secure - not flying high with confidence) with the other 2% for very unusual situations, it's not worth it to be with the person. I've been with my husband for 6 years now. During that time he's seen ex girlfriends for lunch and dinner, traveled constantly to conferences where there are many attractive women, been around many attractive women at work in situations where I wouldn't be surprised if one or more developed a crush, gone to parties, dinners, and bars without me. I never once doubted his loyalty, never felt tempted to check his phone or email, laughed -- although was a bit weirded out -when I found his exes feminine stuff in his guest bathroom, etc etc - I don't think there's any other way to be in a healthy romantic relationship with potential for a future. You can have a sex partner you don't trust (if you're willing to risk STDs), casually date someone who's allowed to date others, but a serious relationship? Makes no sense to me -does it make sense to you? I don't blame him for not wanting to be in contact - even if he is not trustworthy he's entitled to expect that if you want to be with him you will take him as he is -and if you don't trust him you will either walk away or give him conditions under which you will stay "if you can explain to me why you cheated and what you are going to do so that it will never happen again" -and if he can't respond to that then you walk. But staying and torturing him with your insecurities makes no sense. Link to comment
delicous Posted August 15, 2011 Author Share Posted August 15, 2011 Okay....So I would of tripped the heck out if I found my husbands ex's feminine stuff in his bathroom...Heck no, would not let that slide... But I get what you are saying about staying together...Theres no point if hes not to be trusted...I get it...I love him and he knows this... All I wanted was some type of sign he loved me too and then I realized everything hes been doing for me, the little things....and realizing I made an a ss out of myself... We havn't spoken since yesterday when I tried to talk to him about everything, but my words came out "as if I wanted to break up and basically didn't see a future" and he took it as time to let her go and get off the phone with her and touch up with her later, then I tried calling him later that night and he didn't pick up, tried once more, nothing..txted him, nothing.....called today, no answer like 6x...or more...now texted again asking if hes alive? I explained to him what I want and what I expect and how much I care and ect....and no response...I told him I don't know if I can trust he's alone after ignorin gover 6 phone calls...no answer...Im so at a loss of words and have told him that....I told him I don't know what to think at this point in time, if we are together still or broken up...Still no response, Ive been texting him since 11am this morning... It is now 530 pm and not one words or phone call from him...I cried a bunch today and then sucked it out, went to the store, got my errands done, came back home...txted that last one I told you about whether we are together or not?.....And now im just sitting here on enotalone...I feel like a complete loser and sorry excuse for a women...=( I met someone while I was at the bar, he looked so much like my ex bf, I had to talk to him and get to know him...thats as far as it went...we exchanged phone numbers, I couldn't stand my boyfriend ignoring me, so I go and talk to another guy? Who is it who really is to be trusted??? I am such at a loss, I love him...Does that mean anything?.....obviously not since he never said it back....but when we had sex and after we had sex the other day I told him I felt like saying I love him during sex and he said its okay and hugged me for like 10 minutes.... He acts so sweet and sincere, maybe we just had really bad timing...Should let go of our relationship for right now and then in a few months-years ....See if we feel the same way or not?.....I hate to say these words because this is exactly what I wanted to avoid feeling.... Link to comment
delicous Posted August 15, 2011 Author Share Posted August 15, 2011 Im just gonna go to his party tonight and get to know him and if my boyfriend calls, ill tell him exactly whats up and what happened lastnight...I really don't think I could of done anything worse or could do anything worse than what this man has already done to me behind my back...! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 It sounds like you get some benefits out of the back and forth and the drama - like you're confusing yearning/longing/drama with healthy romantic love and you think that your constant texting shows how much you care/love him. Maybe think about why you continue to chase after the drama and the emotional rollercoaster - you must be getting some benefits out of that or else you would not do it -what are the benefits? One benefit is that you don't have to find excitement in a stable relationship where the other person is loyal and reliable -to me that has the right kind of excitement (because once you have the healthy bonding, healthy way of being together you can relax about the basics and focus on the excitement of being together. You seem to be hooked to the push/pull. As far as flirting with someone else - I don't see a problem with that other than you're acting out, and doing the revenge thing - short term that feels good but not long term. Link to comment
delicous Posted August 17, 2011 Author Share Posted August 17, 2011 I think you are right...Theres something that keeps making me want him back and it could be an insecurity thing, maybe I like drama?? I have no clue...It needs to stop and go to normal soon or we just are never going to get past this huge bump in the road... This is what I am going to TRY to do, Im going to try to let things flow into place and if they still don't....Its just not meant to be, not even temporarily meant to be....I hate the admit it but you may be 100% correct and that sucks because that means Im an emotionally unstable person and thats hard to come to grip with.... I always thought about myself as a level headed individual but I am certaintly not if I keep doing THIS... I want it to work, Ill let you know that, but why is it, that when it doesn't go "my way" I freak out and end it? I just can't figure out why, unless deep down inside Im afraid to be alone and am a control freak?....No clue, its selfish and I don't want to be described that way any longer. I want to be level headed...just don't know how? Its like teaching an old dog new tricks, almost near to impossible..If you have anymore advise or constructive critisism, I can really use it...Thanks again for sticking with me through this... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 I'm glad my advice is sometimes helpful! My advice is fake it till you make it -meaning, act like a levelheaded, reasonable person even if you don't "feel" like it and once you get more in the habit of acting like that it will soon be consistent with how you feel. It sounds like you two haven't had more than a week together as exclusive bf/gf without drama, on/off again stuff. I don't think it's about wanting things "your way" -it's about wanting him to reassure you that he is trustworthy, which he doesn't feel like doing (because he doesn't feel like being on trial)and which he doesn't choose to do because while he enjoys all the couply stuff -the regular sex, the romantic nights together, by his behavior he's shown you many times now that he's not interested in a monogamous, committed relationship with you (or perhaps not with everyone). Link to comment
delicous Posted August 17, 2011 Author Share Posted August 17, 2011 Yes mam, I get what you are saying...And theres I guess no way to make him be interested in monogamy with me, I supose...The first time he ever asked to be official with me, he used those exact words "will you be monagamous with me, just you and I.." I believe those were his exact words, or very close to his exact words...He hasn't asked me this again since our on and off breakups or whatever you wanna call it "spats.." But "tells me hes proud for me to be his girlfriends..and that Im all his..." And stuff that sounds "couply..." Im at a loss...I don't know if I mentioned this already but... Everytime we have these "spats, Temporary breakups" whatever you wanna call it..."I sleep like a baby..." BUt whenever we get back together " I have constant dreams about him breaking up with me or me catching him cheating or involved with somebody else, in some way and I get jelous ....Its on going.... These dreams happen only when him and I are "together" but when we are broken up, I hardly dream about him... I don't know what these dreams are trying to tell me...I am a very spiritual person and do believe spirits and the paranormal....the whole act of faith as well as the un usual soulmates phenomenon....I also had a sexual un usual dream about him wanting to be done in the butt???? He told me in the dream that what Im doing feels good but he'd like this done instead...So I massaged him there... I tried doing this is real life just to see what he would do and he didn't back away from me at all when I went near his butthole, but I couldn't actually do it...I just don't find it very fufillling and it grosses me out to a certain extent plus; He has told me that he is not into that and thinks its "gay." I wonder if my ancesters are trying to tell me something or warn me? Im not sure but these dreams are always happening and Im getting so sick of it , I want to cry some days whenever I wake up or at the end of the day whenever I get home because I don't want to let go of him.... I keep editing and re entering more stuff that might help you help me but , I over think a lot... Maybe its my self conscious trying to just push me to leave him for good...But then in reality, I can't...Not even in my dream, Can I completley leave ...And this last dream, I got lost after leaving him and had to go back to ask him for directions and he acted like I was dumb or something...This was in my dream as well and the girl he was having an affaire with in my dream offered to give me a ride on the back of her "scooter." It was really odd ...And he tried to get me to get on the back of his scooter and I said "no." to him. Link to comment
delicous Posted August 17, 2011 Author Share Posted August 17, 2011 Why do I give such good advise and then not take my own advise? A question ill never know the answer to... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Everyone does that. Because you don't treat yourself as well as you would treat a best friend. I'm sorry this person upsets you so much. Have you decided whether you're going to behave in a different way this time? Link to comment
delicous Posted August 18, 2011 Author Share Posted August 18, 2011 Fake it til you make it is starting to get under my skin and I just don't think I can fake being happy...I actually trully would like to be with somebody I am more compatible with and do not need to come to enotalone.com to vent about how bad things are going, CONSTANTLY!...=( And the other side of me says to stay...but I know what to do, I know what has to be done...I know sex is not going to take us to the next height of our relationship....Its just we aren't compatible...He hates texting me, even though he use to before we were official, he doesn't like being on the phone; I DO....I need someone more like me and on my level... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 No - not fake feelings- you do actions that you don't feel like doing - such as not contacting him, or contacting him but not snooping or talking in a needy way - until the actions actually match your feelings. Of ourse you shoudn't try to fake any kind of feeling including being happy. I agree that this man is not a good match for you and have agreed with that since you started posting about having sex with someone who had a girlfriend. Those situations rarely turn out well. Link to comment
delicous Posted August 19, 2011 Author Share Posted August 19, 2011 I think Im going to end it for good...No more letting him crawl back to me and no more wanting to crawl back to him, its just too messed up now. I am a different type of person than him...He thinks hes selfless but hes so selfish its rediculous,...Hes fun, a lot of guys are though, great in bed, sure ill find that again, sweet "when he wants to be." Romantic, he has no clue how to do this, he only knows how to be intimant....I know I can do better, just need to end this....God its hard as heck to do though, especially after tellin him today that I still want to work things out and am going to try not to ride his a** so hard. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 I think you are making the right decision. Link to comment
delicous Posted August 20, 2011 Author Share Posted August 20, 2011 Its so hard to end this again..I wish he had just been what I know he can be...But instead, he just resorted back to his old ways....I really wish this had worked out, its been almost a year of this though, its time. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 I know it's hard but this is really a train wreck and it's time to get off the train. Link to comment
delicous Posted August 20, 2011 Author Share Posted August 20, 2011 Maybe he can be my friend one of these days..... Prob wouldn't work out Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 Maybe he can be my friend one of these days..... Prob wouldn't work out has he behaved like a good friend yet? Link to comment
delicous Posted August 20, 2011 Author Share Posted August 20, 2011 Its really hard to answer that question, but yes, when we were getting along well, he did and was being responsive and a friend to me. I still havn't ended it and the longer I wait, it seems like the the harder it is to do. This weekend, this morning....He answered his phone, talked to me, let me know what hes up to today, asked me to come over, told me he wants to see me...I got this light and fuzzy feeling in my stomache and really want to..... I am a lost cause as of right now...Im strong enough to know what I want but not strong enough to get what I want ...And definetly not at the point where I can trully sit him down and end it for good. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 To me a good friend remains true, loyal and reliable even if you're not getting along so well. Otherwise you're constantly walking on eggshells -everyone has some conflict with friends every once in awhile. The more you choose to stay in contact with him the more you will be tempted to see him. You have control over how you react to your feelings -even though it's almost impossible to control feelings. Of course you can end things if you choose to - you're just choosing not to by telling yourself you're not "strong enough". And staying in contact insures that you can still use the excuse "I'm not strong enough". Link to comment
delicous Posted August 24, 2011 Author Share Posted August 24, 2011 We broke up a couple days ago...It was the final straw when I looked through his phone only to find she is still talking to him asking him if he wants her to bring him breakfast? Yeah sounds completely innocent but still, he told me he wasn't talking to her anymore. So its over, its been hard as heck on me to be done with us, but its not like I gave up on us, its just that I lost faith in us working out in a healthy mature way. I felt so much like I was trying to change him and like he expected me to respect his privacy but I just couldn't..days later I officially ended it, but before I finally decided to, I went on a date with someone else and we didn't hit it off, but I was honest and told my boyfriend what happened and he didn't seem like it fased him, but he let me know that it did.....and kinda let me have it for a second but then went into how he hopes I don't ever settle for second best and was giving me advise about what kind of guy I should look for...I was crying at this point.... Its been weird being single... HIm and I are continuing to try to be friends, but its hard when youve slept with the person half a million times and more than half of those times, felt closer to that person than anyone else....Its so hard, I want to cry, but I must try to keep my composure and stay strong... Kinda been burrying myself in things like cleaning my apt, going shopping, getting organized and throwing away old stuff and organizing the important stuff such as contracts and what not, leasing info...... Im just trying to stay busy, but the moment im not busy, I think about him constantly....then it fades then I think again.... I just want to be with this man one day when both of us have grown....I kinda want him still and maybe thats just because the breakup is still so fresh in my mind, but honestly loved being with him when he was being like a boyfriend, but yeah. He even told me he thinks hes not right in the head about everything and its super hard for him to end all communications with this girl, so I told him thats fine and you can continue doing whatever you feel is right but that doesn't mean I have to sit through it any longer.... This is super difficult for me...Im rediculously depressed when Im alone in my place...Just trying to keep busy... A big part of me didn't want to end things because I didn't want to continue to be friends with him if he found someone new to date, be with....It would crush me and I still agreed to be friends with him....It crushed me when my ex of 2.5 broke my heart and moved another girl in and then married her shortly after....I just don't want to see it happen again....He laughed at me when I told him my fears of him finding someone new, but I didn't think it was funny at all....That seriously broke my heart more than its ever been broken before....I couldn't eat anything, drink anything,, couldn't stop crying and thinking about him and what hes doing and why he hates me so much and doesn't want to talk to me anymore or continue any type of communication.... Im still mourning over my loss of him and still am not 100% over it and don't think that I will ever be over it. I felt used, lied to and spit out...I felt cheated on.... And then 2.5 months to 3 months later I start seeing this man who is still living with his girlfriend and agree to help him cheat...? Then fall for him after he breaks up with her and moves her out....then just drama all the way from Nov----> to the present.....Its almost like him and I were happier when we had no title and were just dateing...The title prob gave both him and I cold feet and things just flew apart ever since...like saying the words "Im in a relationship" to him is prob like "this girl controls me, Im ball and chain." And I can see where he is coming from with that....I kinda was ball and chain type of girlfriend...Getting upset about anything that didn't go the way I wanted it to....He doesn't deserve that type of treatment, its just as much my fault as it is his.... I can see why my ex told me it is going to take me at least 5 yrs to get over him... I believe it may take longer...=( Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 What activities are you doing that are positive and not focused on yourself or dating/looking for men? Link to comment
delicous Posted August 25, 2011 Author Share Posted August 25, 2011 none really...thinking about trying to financial aid a, nd going back to school....other than that, I don't have that many friends. The ones I do have are busy with their kids and there lifes, so its weird...but hobbies include, giving ppl advise on here...watching tv, cooking on spurts of the moment lol...I can get into cooking for a whole week and then lose interest so quickly, same goes for everything else in my life...I have not lost interest in my job though, I like it a lot and like the ppl I work with... Uuum theres things im interested in but a few days later ill lose my interest....im interested in making my life better and being a more level headed individual, however that can be accomplished, I do not know... Link to comment
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