LAYAAN Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 A man wrote me this after 2 weeks from our meeting - "I am not able to take a decision at this time and since I have not heard from you I think you seem to be of a similar opinion. I hope you will stay in touch (at least as friends if you wish). I remember you have mentioned that you don't stay in touch with men after the date. If that happens to be the issue in this case I wish you all the best for you future." What does this mean? I didn't stay in touch with him after the date. Is the man is confused because I didn't get back in touch with him? Has he assumed that there is no interest from my side? Is that the reason why there is no romantic interest from his side as well? Its kinda strange. He mentioned even before we met that he would still like to stay as friends. I wonder if there is someone else that he is interested in which is why he only wants to stay friends with me. I felt that he was cold towards me during our date. What bothers me is what he wrote - "I hope you will stay in touch (at least as friends if you wish)" at least as friends? if I wish? That's what he wants. He has come up with that offer and that's the only option he has left on plate for me. Take it or leave it. Does he want more than friendship, but is willing to settle with friendship if thats all I'm able to give? Or am I reading too much into it? This is what I want - I'm not interested in staying friends. If he genuinely wants to see if a relationship can develop then I will be ready to meet again, but not as friends. Do I let him know that? or he has made up his mind? I'm confused. Link to comment
Theniceone Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 Not sure I understand. From what you wrote it seems that you two were not in touch for two weeks but you want to be involved romatically with him? Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 If someone didn't keep in touch with me 2 weeks after our date, I would assume that they were not interested(or if they didn't respond to my attempts at contact). Reason being, if you ARE interested(which it appears you might be, even though you said he was cold - Possibly it was just jitters and nerves?), why didn't you contact him? Link to comment
oldenoughtoknow Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 I don't know your previous story. Did the date go well? Was there talk about a second date? Or, is that when he mentioned he would like to stay friends? The fact that he wasn't able to make a decision tells me that he didn't think the date went well, or at least he isn't interested in a second. If he's on the fence, he may have falsely perceived a lack of interest in your part, and that can obviously have a tremendous influence on his opinion. I would message him back saying you were wondering why you hadn't heard from him, and that you were interested in pursuing the possibilities further, but if he's not interested, you respect his decision. And no, you don't do friends after. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 He means that he's not interested in seeing you again, and since he didn't hear from you, he assumes the feeling is mutual. The rest was just polite chatter than means nothing. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 >>If that happens to be the issue in this case ... I think he assumes you are not interested because of what you told him about not staying in contact if you're not interested. Since you haven't contacted him after the date or expressed much interest, it sounds like he assumes you're not interested, but he is checking to confirm whether that is the case. If you are interested, i'd reply back that you are interested and hope he would consider seeing you again. If you're not, then just don't respond. Link to comment
WockaWocka Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 I'm surprised that neither of you contacted each other after the date. And the wording about "making a decision" seems overly formal. But if I remember correctly you live in the US but are meeting these men on an arranged marriage site for expats from your parents' home country. So the rules on women contacting after a first date might be different. Is the "making a decision" language about whether or not to propose to you? Or simply about whether or not to go out on another date? Some cultural context might be useful, if indeed you're still using the arranged marriage site. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted July 6, 2011 Author Share Posted July 6, 2011 I'm surprised that neither of you contacted each other after the date. And the wording about "making a decision" seems overly formal. He said the he will call me next week (the last day we met was Saturday). He never did. So, I didn't think it was appropriate for me to call him and find out what was his interest level. But if I remember correctly you live in the US but are meeting these men on an arranged marriage site for expats from your parents' home country. So the rules on women contacting after a first date might be different. Yes you are right. Normally if a guy likes you, he will get back in touch or his family members will contact your family members. In this case neither happened. Is the "making a decision" language about whether or not to propose to you? Or simply about whether or not to go out on another date? Some cultural context might be useful, if indeed you're still using the arranged marriage site. No, I don't think so. By making a decision I think he simply means 'decision about going ahead'. As I've said before, noone gets married after only 1st meeting. They meet multiple times, discuss views, issues, dreams, desires, etc. before they finally decide whether that they should marry this person or not. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted July 6, 2011 Author Share Posted July 6, 2011 I don't know your previous story. Did the date go well? Was there talk about a second date? Or, is that when he mentioned he would like to stay friends? It is hard to tell if the date went well. It was decent. He didn't ask me anything about myself. He didn't mention then that he would like to stay friends. He actually said that he would call me sometime next week. I didn't get my hopes up because sometimes men say such stuff and don't mean it. Saturday evening was the last time we met. He knew that I was traveling on Sunday. So, he called me Sunday afternoon to see where I was. I didn't think much about that as I thought he was just being polite trying to check if I'm on my way back. It was a very quick conversation. He didn't call after that. The fact that he wasn't able to make a decision tells me that he didn't think the date went well, or at least he isn't interested in a second. If he's on the fence, he may have falsely perceived a lack of interest in your part, and that can obviously have a tremendous influence on his opinion. Yes, probably. We have talked many times before we actually met. He is generally not an expressive person. So, its very hard to gauge his interest. His dad told my mom that there are other 2 girls on the line. This guy told me that he was going to be busy the following weekend. I didn't ask him what he was going to be busy with. I just assumed that he might be going on a date. Here is a quick summary of our date. Friday - He expressed desire to meet in the evening. I said okay. Since it was Friday evening, I assumed that there would be dinner. He came around 7, declared that he already had his dinner in office. I was hungry, but kept quiet. We took a stroll by the beach for a while. Came home. I was living in a hotel about an hour driving distance away from his place, so I asked him "Would it be easier if I come to your area tomorrow? I can take the train. You don't need to come to pick me up. I'm sorry that you have to drive." He said "No, I would rather come here. Its okay. Don't worry about that." So, I dropped the subject. Saturday - He showed up around 1pm. He was hungry. I thought we would go to a restaurant, but we didn't. He decided to go to a sandwich place. I already ate something considering previous experience with this guy. I didn't decline to go because I didn't want him to not eat. That sandwich place was a bad experience for me. I was overall unhappy with the place, the sandwich. I didn't say anything or show any unhappiness on my face. The guy paid for my sandwich and asked me if I was going to eat it later or throw it? I was offended and said "I'm not raised to throw food away. I will eat this later. I can't eat this right now. My mouth is on fire. I didn't know these people add fresh jalapenos. I'm used to eating pickled jalapenos in all American sandwich places." Later we went for a walk/hike which was beautiful. I really enjoyed it. Thanked him for taking me to that place. Later on our way back he stopped at a shop to buy something, complained about metered parking (only $0.50) "This city is so freaking expensive. They are constantly taking my money." Then he said he was hungry, but then he decided to change his mind and said "What's the point in taking you to eat? You don't eat out." I tried to say something, he wouldn't listen so I just kept quiet. He came to drop me at the hotel. had 3 cups of coffee and left. Before leaving he said "Thanks for coming out here. I will call you sometime next week." I said sure thank you and that was it. Sunday - Afternoon he called me to find out where I was. There was no contact after that. I would message him back saying you were wondering why you hadn't heard from him, and that you were interested in pursuing the possibilities further, but if he's not interested, you respect his decision. And no, you don't do friends after. I think this sounds good. Link to comment
danielle1973 Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 Honestly, I think you dodged a bullet here - I wouldn't have wanted another date with the guy based on what you wrote in your last post. Link to comment
WockaWocka Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 Honestly, I think you dodged a bullet here - I wouldn't have wanted another date with the guy based on what you wrote in your last post. +1 The fact that he didn't ask about you at all during the meeting, plus the fact that he complained about you not eating and how expensive the city is... and this is him on a first date? I'd hate to see what he's really like when he's not trying to make a good first impression! Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 Thank you Danielle and wockawocka for confirming what I'm feeling inside. I actually mentioned only minimal essential details about his behavior in my post. He is either a super tightwad or he is showing me who he really is because he doesn't feel the need to impress me. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 He is either a super tightwad or he is showing me who he really is because he doesn't feel the need to impress me. I don't think it is one or the other. I think that it is both. Link to comment
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