CrazyMiner Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Hi all, I've just been told by my parents that they emailed my ex GF about two days ago to clear up some things. My ex asked me over the phone a few weeks ago whether my parents hated her due to the separation as they hadn't been in touch but I had spoken to her mum a few times as she was asking me some advice on some building work. I mentioned this to my folks and below is the email that they decided to send. As a bit of background, I was with my ex for 8 years and she decided she wanted to separate from me around 2 and a half months ago. Hi F (ex gf), P (me) has mentioned that you asked him if J (dad) and I hated you due to the separation as we hadn’t been in touch. To be honest, we didn’t feel ready to contact you until we had gotten our heads around what has happened, and tried to make some sense out of it, especially as P (me) is still in so much pain over losing you, which is so upsetting to see. Had the split been mutual it would be so much easier to accept. Obviously it came as a terrible shock. The two of you have just bought a house together, and that is one of the things we find hardest to understand - why if you had doubts and were unhappy in the relationship didn’t you sit down together to talk things through, either back in September or in March, instead of endorsing your commitment to the relationship by buying a house together? I know that you have said that buying the house was very much an investment but after seeing your excitement on the weekend you took us to see the show house and pointed out which was your roof, and the ‘crazy shopping’ weekend in IKEA, then asking us for family pictures back in December so that you could put some up on the walls, surely there must have been some emotional attachment to both the house and to the relationship? The two of you have already gone through so much in your eight years together – long times apart when you were living abroad, getting through Uni, coping with illnesses on both sides, starting work – and although you both still have a few tough times to go as you progress through life and establish yourselves in your careers, we find it heartbreaking that you two have separated just at the point in your lives when everything is in place for a bright future and when you would have been able to develop further as an already established couple whilst also exploring your individualities. P (me) has told us that there was a major wobble in the relationship a while ago when he was first hospitalised with Colitis and Nanny Smith passed away (and he has told us everything about his indiscretions with the girl on the internet and by email). It is a sad fact of life that there will always be peaks and troughs in every relationship, and mistakes made, but it is in a couple working through the problems and coming out the other side that makes a relationship strong enough to face anything. Sometimes it may mean both having to make some compromises in what they want in life to fit around each other, but by each doing that the prize is knowing that you are with someone who truly loves you and is committed to the relationship. P (me) feels he should be trying to win you back, but he loves you very much and has arrived at the conclusion that the only way things can remain amicable or leave the door open for a potential reconciliation between you is for him to respect your decision and let you go, even though he is hurting. You two have so many memories and after 8 years know each other back to front, and so the thought of you and P (me) not even being able to remain on friendly terms is something that pains us and of course him. F (ex gf), we have watched you grow up as part of our family and think of you as a daughter, Stephanie still sees you as very much a sister, so in answer to your query, no, of course we don’t hate you. We are just so very sad and upset that it has come to this. You told P (me) you wanted to experience new things and to find the ‘new’ F (ex gf) – we sincerely hope that do you find what you are looking for and that in the long term it does turn out to be what you actually want, and that the new F (ex gf) is the person you really want to be. At the end of the day, you two were great together, and J (dad) and I both truly hope that you can be again. Lots of Love J and S (parents) This was sent two days ago and my ex hasn't replied to them. I think she is away visiting friends so has probably read it by now but may not be in a position to reply (with friends around) or may have decided not to reply. It was sent about a week after I spoke to my ex on the phone and asked her whether she ever saw a chance for us to reconcile at some point... she had said multiple times that she hoped that after x amount of months, when the dust had settled etc, that we could potentially look at a re-run. She replied that she had hoped that could be possible when she first decided to separate but that her feelings had not changed from how she felt then and that she was unsure whether it was still a possibility (she has started dating new people etc), but also that she was unsure whether we could even be friends due to how close we had once been and her trying to move on etc. What is this likely to do to both her and our chances of a reconcilliation? I'm not entirely sure... it answers her question that indeed my parents don't hate her and that my family still have positive feelings towards her, but may also come accross as a bit attacky? I don't really know, any thoughts would be appreciated. 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Ms Darcy Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 You know, I don't know how it will impact her in the long-run, but it was pretty out of line for your parents. Good to know that you had "indiscretions" that she's just supposed to overlook and forgive because you went through so much. It's of course one-sided and unfair, but it's done. Tell them never to do that again. I would leave a relationship for a partner's indiscretions too. People shouldn't be guilted for leaving. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Wow, talk about boundary problems. Your parents should not have sent her this or contact her in anyway unless they absolutely had to. Link to comment
ferna3069 Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 man my ex gfs mom answerd one of my questions on yahoo.ms darcy is right its never one sided. there is two sides to the story. and her mom only saw my ex gfs side. for me it was different. for me her mom told me of on things i never even thought of doing. made things up .its best for the parents not to get involved. because it makes the other person uncomfterable. atleast your parents wernt telling her off like my ex gfs mom tried to do to me.next time dont let your parents get involved. Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 I can understand their motivation for sending this letter, but I'd agree that it's one, long guilt trip. They really need to stay out of this from here on out. Link to comment
CrazyMiner Posted May 31, 2011 Author Share Posted May 31, 2011 I think they were just trying to put their thoughts accross and to question why it happened as it did, why if she had apparently been having doubts for upwards of 18 months did she buy a house with me only 7 months or so before we broke up? It does sound a bit one sided, I know that. In regard to the "indiscretions", it was nearly 5 years ago and I was in a pretty bad place at the time... death of my grandmother, I was hospitalised for weeks, this girl kind of took me under her wing so to speak as I was suffering a lot and this happened, and I've been apologising for it for the past 5 years - I'm not trying to make excuses but I was in a bad place when I did it and did feel like I was being led on, no excuse though. Though I do agree with their point on a couple should be able to work through problems... my ex basically just came out and told me 2 months ago at dinner that she wanted to split. We didn't sit down x amount of months ago to discuss things, when we purchased the house together I was under the impression that we were getting on pretty well etc. Link to comment
CrazyMiner Posted May 31, 2011 Author Share Posted May 31, 2011 I can understand their motivation for sending this letter, but I'd agree that it's one, long guilt trip. They really need to stay out of this from here on out. I agree, and we'll definitely be having a talk when I see them on the weekend. I think initially their motivation was positive as they didn't want my ex to feel that they hated her, but unfortunately the majority of the letter does seem a bit one-sided with the only half positive bit being the last paragraph (well, the first bit of it anyway). Link to comment
ferna3069 Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 we are in the same boat, my ex never sat down with me and told me ok this is what i feel. this makes me feel bad and this makes me uncomfterable. this things happen. bt hey atleast you know u gave it your best. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Another point is that you are 23. I think at some point a relationship can feel like there is too much water under the bridge at such a young age. I can see that. Link to comment
CrazyMiner Posted May 31, 2011 Author Share Posted May 31, 2011 Another point is that you are 23. I think at some point a relationship can feel like there is too much water under the bridge at such a young age. I can see that. I would disagree with that, but then of course I would. And I don't think age really has much to do with it. We both have professional jobs (she's a Doctor, I'm an Account Manager... we're not exactly teenagers if you know what I mean). She did mention about too much water being under the bridge when I mentioned us trying dating again last week, and that does pain me to hear. But seriously, she lent me £8,000 ($11,000) less than a month before she told me she wanted to separate, we brought a house together 7 months ago... surely that doesn't sound like a situation where there was "too much water under the bridge"... I mean, would you lend someone $11,000 when you were planning on breaking up with them? I certainly wouldn't! And she had apparently been thinking about it for 18 months! Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 I don't know what's going on in her head, but yes it is possible for someone to say: a. I have my whole life ahead of me and I don't want this anymore and/or b. I resent him for everything Unfortunately, it just takes one person to feel this way and here you are. Since she actually said "water under the bridge" I think unfortunately, I was right in that assessment -- whether you want to believe it or not. Link to comment
tresqua Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 In regard to the "indiscretions", it was nearly 5 years ago and I was in a pretty bad place at the time... death of my grandmother, I was hospitalised for weeks, this girl kind of took me under her wing so to speak as I was suffering a lot and this happened, and I've been apologising for it for the past 5 years - I'm not trying to make excuses but I was in a bad place when I did it You're not trying to make excuses, you ARE making excuses. Own it man. That's a big problem right there. especially as P (me) is still in so much pain over losing you, which is so upsetting to see. Had the split been mutual it would be so much easier to accept. Nothing like trying to make her feel bad so maybe she'll reconcile out of guilt. The part about it being easier if the split was mutual is almost funny. When is a breakup ever mutual? Not only are the parents out of line, not only will it seem to xgf that your parents are fighting your battles for their little boy, but the way they go about it? They say "well why did you do this, and why didn't you do that, and why did you say this?". As if it matters. The email can only cause further damage, tell your parents to stay out of your business and don't contact her unless you hear from her. Link to comment
endy Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 I'm not sure what the reprecussions of this will be, but your parents like everyone else has said... had absolutely no business doing this. Not without asking you anyways. It shows weakness, and maybe if they would have said he doesn't know we are sending this... it would have been different. They pretty much put you out there as weak and not over her. That's not going to convey attractiveness at all. Short term I don't think it's good. She may look back on it in a few months... Either way just work on yourself. Let go and move on. That's all you can do. You can't fight to get someone back, it usually just pushes them further away. The fact that she's dating other people should tell you to move on. Your parents did bring up some good points. Like the house etc, and why were things not dealt with then? I think you should probably think about that, and why there was obviously a communication breakdown in the relationship. Work on it on your end. Things like that, that's going to make your next relationship better. Link to comment
TheJerseyKid Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Not that the OP wants to hear this, but I think it needs to be said, and of course taken with a grain of salt. If I ever received a letter like this from an EX I had broken up with, this would pretty much be the veritable "nail in the coffin". It is such an offhanded gigantic guilt trip that I don't think I'd ever be able to look them in the face again after such a thing. And while their points are valid (specifically about buying a house if she had doubts), you have to understand how people in general work. She is saying she's had doubts for 18 months, because she doesn't want to give the impression that her decision was made with haste and on a whim. Perhaps what she is trying to communicate, that the first feelings of "doubt" if you will, were what she started experiencing at 18 months. I know when I get feelings like that, when they first come on, I usually want to wait things out a bit to see if it continues to get worse or goes away. These doubts probably continued for a while, but it is possible she thought they would resolve themselves. Yeah, it sucks that she didn't sit you down and some point and discuss the way she is feeling, but I'm honestly leaning towards the fact that I think these issues are completely internal on her part and your knowledge of the situation would have no bearing on the outcome. To put it bluntly, I think you guys have first F (or more politely, first lover) syndrome, at least she does anyway it seems. I know you've been with one person so long, your mind has only ever envisioned or thought of a future with her, at this point, it's not even something you can wrap your brain around (the thought of life with someone else). I was with someone for over 4 years, and while only half your length, I think we reached a similar point in our relationship. We were each others first real long-term adult relationship, as appears to be the case for you guys. Sometimes when your with someone that long and from an early age, you stay with them longer than you really want, and try to make it work because honestly you don't know of anything else. You have no other experiences to compare it with. I'm not saying for sure that is what happened with your ex, but speaking from personal experience, people I've known, and stories I've read on this board, I'd say there is a damn good chance that what I posted above is close to the truth. Link to comment
endy Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 I can definitely see that and agree Jersey, You're young man, trust me... There's others. Link to comment
Eocsor Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 I've been apologising for it for the past 5 years I think that says it all. she never really forgave you for what you did. And I admit I don't know your relationship, but if your parents are this intrusive, maybe she couldn't deal with the thought of them being her in-laws Link to comment
LCA1986 Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 Okay, this might not be what you want to hear but I want to share two points: Like everybody else has said, I think your parents were out of line on this one. I am sure they had the best of intentions but the letter really comes accross as one sided and as a guilt trip... I think it might actually push her away a bit more. It would push me away if I got a letter like this. Second point, I agree with TheJerseyKid. I was in my first relationship for about 4 years, not as long as yours, and when we broke up.. I was devastated. I couldnt picture a life without my first love in it. But now, 2 years later, I can see that it definitely was for the best. We had stayed together for way too long mainly because we were both scared of the uncertainty of breaking up with the only person we have ever been. You will be able to see things with more clarity as time goes by, do speak with your parents about this and I wish you the best. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 Unfortunately, the letter comes off as though you've sicked your parents on her. It appears to finger-wag her for disappointing a committee without proper negotiation to obtain their approval. If she ever felt suffocated, this could drive home for her why that may have been so. It was entirely inappropriate, but there's nothing you can do about it now. I'd avoid making it worse by ever raising it with her or implying that she's obligated to respond--she is not. Link to comment
TheJerseyKid Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 Not to mention, it makes the OP look like he's be absolutely miserable and doing terrible the past few months, and hasn't begun to move on/heal at all. Which gives a needy/clingy vibe toward the dumper. Link to comment
ferna3069 Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 Unfortunately, the letter comes off as though you've sicked your parents on her. It appears to finger-wag her for disappointing a committee without proper negotiation to obtain their approval. If she ever felt suffocated, this could drive home for her why that may have been so. It was entirely inappropriate, but there's nothing you can do about it now. I'd avoid making it worse by ever raising it with her or implying that she's obligated to respond--she is not. omg lol this is exacly how i felt when my ex gfs mom called to tell me off. trust me parents getting invobed is not good. my ex gfs mom got involed. i got mad and said things my ex did not want to hear out of anger. and she got pissed off. Link to comment
sunnz Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 The thing is with this letter she could very well feel betrayed that you told your parents everything that was going on in the relationship while with her...etc...and people just don't like a third party knowing everything about the relationship...it could feel like a bit of a back stab feeling...even if not intentional it may very well not sit right with her... That's another perspective on what she might feel reading it... Link to comment
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