sososad45 Posted May 19, 2011 Share Posted May 19, 2011 Those who have read my last post dated Sept. know the background. Yes he cheated on me. Blamed on alcohol. I became weak to all the texts, calls, flowers, letters of promises to change etc... He said he'd go back back to school, see a therapist & better himself as a person. I figured it was a mistake, he seemed remorseful, etc. The reconsoliation was slow. By Mid Nov. we were back. He understood and assured me changes would take time, but he could do them with me by his side supporting him. Oh the promises!!! Taking things slow. Antidepressants for him. He felt better. The drinking decreased. Building a life. Making plans for the future. He proposed on X-mas eve. I accepted. After the excitement of the engagement, I saw the drinking creeping back up along with the excessive speading of money. I was not charging him any rent, etc, to help him get on his feet. He had plans to go back to school and finish a nearly done degree. Get a better job, do job searcher, ect. I was always encouraging. All of February he was drunk. He started verbally abusing me. Telling me "this won;t be like last time" he'd be glad to be rid of me" We broke up in April. I discovered a profile he set up on a a porn dating website. He left. Later that weekend he came back and told me that 3 weeks after his proposal he took another girl out on a date. ( A couple). He coldy told me he took her out b/c he anted to f--- her. And obvioulsy he had no love for me anymore. He contitued to tell me he wanted to have sex with many other people. I'm devastated. Crying, aking me why. He calls me "pathetic & a crazy, immature bi---ch. I also find out that his family had been paying his student loan that he claimed he was the whoe time. He lied to me about all his money and contributed nothing to me as I was stressing about affording a wedding, honeymoon, new car, mortgage, etc... I am still in shock. 2 days later he immediately moved out. I went into NC- blocking texts, cell phones, changed phone number. I sent him a very well stated email, expressing my betryal. He of course blames the end of the relationship on me pushing him and my paranoia. He kept sending me emails giving the whole "I;m selfish" bit, etc... A month later he sends an email "You are still on my mind..." I don't respond. 2 days later another email that demanded his bike he left broken and a gold lighter he claimed to leave here. This all before my b-day. I deleted my email. I couldn't keep on getting hurt by him and his cold, unfeeling demeanor. He calls me from an unblocked number in front of co-workers that he wants his bike and anything else or he with get lawyers involved. I send him a letter to his work to tell him I dont have his lighter and he can pick up bike at my father's. There is an engagement ring in picture. He owes me alot of $ for breaking several things in my house totaling at least $3000. He tellls me to keep the ring. I have consulted an attorney who says I have a countersuit. My psychologist (that I just started seeing to recover from this mess) feels he is bi-polar. Several triggers caused him to go into mania (using drinking as self-medications): Going back to schoo, use of antidepressant & impending wedding. Plus, there is a family history. Towards the end the ups & downs were out of control. His thoughts on the relationship is that we weren't happy & weren't compatible. But, we were!!!! He lied the whole time to me & took advantage of me. I am so hurt. I know I should have never taken him back, but I thought everyone deserves 2nd chances. He wanted to marry me & changd his mind only 3 weeks later!!! Noone can believe it, not even his mother. I am trying so hard to move on. I've made the right steps. Have a good support system. But I feel so used & thrown away. Please any comfort you might be able to give. I don't need "I told you so's" I am in so much pain. I just can't believe someone could actually do that to someone else & feel nothing. Please help me with some comfort. Its been so hard going to work everyday & depite everything he did to me, I still miss him. I wish I could erase my mind. Link to comment
replytome Posted May 19, 2011 Share Posted May 19, 2011 oh my god I am so sorry this happened to you. I can't really help you with advice but I know there are others on this forum that give very helpful advice and they will help you. I wish that I could make the pain go away for you. Hang in there sweety, you deserve so much better and someone better will find you. I wish I could give you a hug right now and tell you everything will be alright. You're a beautiful person and you deserve happiness. Please pm me if you need someone to talk to. I'll comfort you as much as I can. We're all in this together on ENA, at some level. Link to comment
replytome Posted May 19, 2011 Share Posted May 19, 2011 All I can say is that for now, I'm afraid, you will have to go with the flow with the NC. Let yourself be sad and cry as much as you want to for a week or so. But after a point you will have to force yourself to be positive and see some positives, and look to the future. For now let go and try not to be alone, friends and family will not get sick of hearing about it for another month or two, so spend as much time as possible with them. I even spoke to a colleague of mine, who was very supportive and nice. What you should already do now is to immediately remove everything that reminds you of him. Many people say you should store it somewhere but I just threw everything away. Because my healing was more important to me than worrying about regretting throwing stuff away. Want to hear something funny? My girlfriend had forgotten her underwear, and I still had stuff from our trips we were going to make a scrap book out of. I took it all and burnt it in the BBQ. Felt great to see those panties burn haha! Decide NOW that YOU will remove HIM from your life. And if lawsuits come, just arrange for any communication to be made via your lawyer. You deserve so much better than him, so the most important thing is for you to heal. Because even though you miss him and feel like you want him back, you DON'T. We all think we do in the beginning because we believe that that person is the only one that can fill the horrible void they left. Trust me, it will not really make you feel better. So let go, and begin the healing. I'm sure others will give you better and more advice. My heart goes out to you, and I'm here if you need me. All my love.x Link to comment
sososad45 Posted May 19, 2011 Author Share Posted May 19, 2011 Thank you Boreed. I know time heals all. I just wish I could fast forward 6 months. Or get shock therapy. Link to comment
sososad45 Posted May 19, 2011 Author Share Posted May 19, 2011 My last email to him I have never experienced a more traumatic, inconsiderate, disrespectful, vicious, cruel and hateful break-up from a partner I once loved. Obviously you felt I wasn't worthy enough to discuss the future of our relationship as was made evident by your actions. As I'm working through the end of this, I simply can not grasp how you devastated, destroyed and sabotaged our relationship and future. Your excuse that it simply was "not meant to be" and "were not compatible" is nothing but another one of your cope-outs with following through with anything in your life. You never truly tried to work on anything and avoided any communication with me. Reflecting back on the horrible, abusive, vile & vicious things you said to me is unbelievable. "Pathetic, sociopath, crazy, immature b---- & f-----g controlling b----" to name a few that stand out in my mind. Twisting the truth and blaming it on me. Painting such a manipulated & tainted picture of me to your co-workers and family. Blaming the relationship and me for your misery when it was only you the entire time. All I did was want to love, support you and help you to create a bright, and successful future & happy family. Working on those things as partners who were committed and loved each other. I treasured our relationship and always wanted to do the best for you. Only 3 weeks after you proposed marriage to me, you cheated on me with another girl while living with me, spending money on her that we were supposed to be saving for our future. Telling premeditated lies to me about where you were going. Letting me stress & worry about the expenses of our life. Refusing to talk to me about it. Claiming not to have any money. Lying. You even had the disrespect to bring me to the bar while she was there and flirt with her in front of my face. All while you were telling everyone there I was your fiance. Continuing communication with her throughout the rest of the relationship. Setting up your next raft, saying "I'll land just fine, you won't." (Oh really, M....?) Lying to everyone in your life. Saying you wanted to work on things with me. Lying again. Saying you tried your best. More lies. Setting up our home under false pretense. Again, more lies. Heartlessly and coldly telling me that you simply wanted to "f--- her." Things are very clear to me. What W---- said. "I know what he's doing. You should marry him. You shouldn't wait. He loves you." The friend who was completely unsupportive of your decision to marry me at first. All of a sudden, he changes his tune. The master grifter con man getting his prodigy ready for business? Your several comments about getting half my house & retirement after we were married.... You presented me with an entire facade of yourself. You only told me what I wanted to hear. Now I'm trying to sort and recover from all the manipulation and lies. What part of our relationship was even real? You seemed change into another person overnight, and within such a short time period. M----, your mask is off and what is underneath has revealed itself, if only to me, your most intimate partner who knew you the best. You're a very, very sick person, M----. You take advantage of the people who love you the most, including your own family. You twist & distort the truth and convince yourself of it only to serve your needs. You can cover it up as much as you want with excuses, blame, alcohol, compulsive spending or freaky, obsessive sex, but nothing can hide your true self anymore. You want to act like adults, then let's do it. For the first time, start taking some responsibility for the people/things you have so carelessly destroyed and discarded in your life. Here's a list of things that you owe me and/or destroyed in my house in which you lived for free. (I have several friends who heard you brag about not paying me rent or utilities.) Door repair- $ 950 (Repaired by F----- that you said that you would take care of b/c you broke it. I have written documentation to prove this amount.) US Passport (bought for purpose of our impending wedding/honeymoon) $ 135 Replace of washer/dryer in one (that you pried open with screw driver b/c of your impatience to wait through the cycles, needs to be replaced) $ 1599 (Home Depot) Broken shelf of refrigerator $ 25 Doctor bill for STD screen $150 Rent & utilities ($500/mo. conservative estimate) for Jan. 2011, Feb. 2011, March. 2011, The months you lived in my house under false pretenses. $1500 After clearing my head, I've been re-thinking the ring situation. I feel that a very simple solution would be to get bids from the ring, sell it and I deduct what is owed to me. I'm confident as 2 adults that we could resolve this in a mature manner without having to take more extreme measures. This is not being vengeful, aside from feelings, these are damages for which you are responsible. Or after you send me the money owed in the form of a money order, then I'll return the ring. There is no need for a restraining order. The neighbors know of this situation and are on alert. And remember, it was your choice to lose your girl, home, cat & dog. You've also lost one of your only friends. Link to comment
sososad45 Posted May 19, 2011 Author Share Posted May 19, 2011 I would thing that any person with a pulse would feel the hurt that caused another human being, especially if that person were to be his wife. I feel so used and sick at the same time. I wish it would just go away. Link to comment
sososad45 Posted May 19, 2011 Author Share Posted May 19, 2011 how can "love" disappear in 3 weeks? Pysch says mania & hypomania did it. It can work that fast. Its the only thing I can hold onto not to believe I was with such a monster. Link to comment
replytome Posted May 19, 2011 Share Posted May 19, 2011 I know what you mean. But try to look at it this way. Every week, look back at the previous week (while in NC of course) and notice that you ARE actually doing better with every passing week. Before you know it you will be giving others advice on here instead of just looking for it. And in my opinion that is a big step in the right direction and very fulfilling. It's an experience like any other, and in time you will begin to be grateful that you have the opportunity to grow and become even more awesome. The thing is though, that there will come a point in your healing where you will have to take control, and decide that you are the one that controls your thoughts. That's when you have to use all your will power to turn the negative thoughts and those of the past, into positive thoughts and thoughts about the future. If I can do it, you can. It kind of feels like rewiring your brain, and the achievement in itself feels so good! Worry not, I've always considered myself very weak when it comes to emotions. I had a rough childhood and felt like a victim to the emotions attached to it. Getting dumped gave me the kick in the butt to finally take control of my emotions and my way of thinking and switch it around. Of course it's not fully done, but with every day it becomes more and more natural. I think that is the difference between those that get over it quicker and those that don't for very long. After a certain point, dwelling is no longer ok, force the dwelling away, it's so unproductive it's unbelievable that people do it. We can't get out of our own heads, but we can change what goes on in there. Switch the racing negative thoughts with the positive calm ones. But for now my dear, you need to mourne this relationship. I too had my depressed stage where I cried like a little girl, and couldn't go to work, couldn't stay still or anything. It's necessary to go through it, it's just that you can't stay there. Give yourself a week, two at most. After that I suggest you TRY to notice some positive things in life. And it takes 3 weeks approximately for something to become a habit (your new life), so then you will be well on your way to recovery. I also strongly suggest making travelling plans or something you've always wanted to do but couldn't because you had to provide for that rat. I did this, and found that it gave me something to look forward to, and I am guessing that (i'm going on one of those trips this saturday) the change of scenery and new people will do wonders for my healing. gotta go to bed, it's late and i have work in the morning (I'm even happy about going to work now! woohoo!) stay strong!x Link to comment
sososad45 Posted May 19, 2011 Author Share Posted May 19, 2011 I'm taking a trip Memorial Day weekend. thanks so much! Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.