Update on my marriage

[Cilantro]

We've been married a month tomorrow.

 

Things have been going really good the last few days, actually. I've been working on not holding things over my husband's head and trying to punish him because if I'm staying in this, I need to work on fixing my part. We have our first marriage counseling session on May 23. We've been getting along good not fighting and enjoying each other's company. Except last night I had a bad dream that involved the girl he cheated with. I invited her to our house and to stay over so she brought a bag. My husband came home from work and saw her on the couch and kissed her hello instead of me. Then her husband walks out of the room and starts cuddling with her on the couch. I walk into our bedroom, feeling like I wasn't there, and found a bottle of lube on our bed with a receipt taped to it that said "For (my husband's name) and (that skank's name) to use." Then I woke up. I'm not sure how to feel from that dream and it angered me. It was one of those dreams where I kept waking up, glad it was over, and then falling back asleep to the spot I left off. I don't know what it means or if it does at all but I really was upset by it. I immediately went from feeling ok the last few days to again feeling insecure and sad. I decided though not to punish my husband for that dream, like I wanted to do simply because it had to do with her, but I did tell him about it and told him I wasn't feeling happy this morning like i had been the last few mornings so I could keep him from feeling surprised about my mood change. I felt better telling him about it and we moved on from it. I feel better though.

 

Anyway, there's my update, for those who have been wondering. I appreciate the feedback on my threads, even if I don't have much to offer other than information.

[lukeb]

Good to hear you are not punishing your husband for the dreams you are having.

[Miss Firecracker]

Cilantro,

 

I've had those nightmares for 30 years.

[greywolf]

It's good that you're not still trying to punish him, because in the long run that doesn't really help. Hopefully the counseling goes well. Let us know how it goes.

[OptomisticGirl]

For awhile, a long while, you will go from happy to sad. It's part of the healing process. You will learn the triggers that set you off in bad moods pertaining to this subject - the name of the skank, a similar situation, a date - and you will learn to roll with them.

[rocio]

Good to hear you are not punishing your husband for the dreams you are having.

 

He deserves to be punished for them. Why should she suffer for his failures and he gets a free pass?

 

Cilantro, I'm glad to hear things are going better from your end. Just please keep yourself open to the possibility that it could happen again - and is likely to happen again. Never give more than yourself than you can afford to lose because nobody will protect you but yourself.

[Applewhite]

He deserves to be punished for them. Why should she suffer for his failures and he gets a free pass?

 

Cilantro, I'm glad to hear things are going better from your end. Just please keep yourself open to the possibility that it could happen again - and is likely to happen again. Never give more than yourself than you can afford to lose because nobody will protect you but yourself.

 

Unfortunately this makes sense.

[greywolf]

Maybe he does deserve to be punished, but do you think that that will make Cilantro happy in the long-run? It's never made me happy to see someone get what was coming to them. So not punishing him is for her happiness. Not his.

 

He deserves to be punished for them. Why should she suffer for his failures and he gets a free pass?

 

Cilantro, I'm glad to hear things are going better from your end. Just please keep yourself open to the possibility that it could happen again - and is likely to happen again. Never give more than yourself than you can afford to lose because nobody will protect you but yourself.

[rocio]

Maybe he does deserve to be punished, but do you think that that will make Cilantro happy in the long-run? It's never made me happy to see someone get what was coming to them. So not punishing him is for her happiness. Not his.

 

You're right. He deserves it, she doesn't.

[redswim30]

OP, I truly hope your counseling goes well. But if I may offer a few words of advise - No marriage ever survived by one spouse punishing the other. If you really do want to make your marriage work, you have to let it go- All of it. If you can't move on, your marriage will not improve. Being vindictive will only make a divorce happen sooner. How does the phrase go " You can choose to be happy or to be right"- But let me point out that being " right" never made anyone happy. He can't control your dreams. If you want to make your marriage work, then you have to forgive him fully and unconditionally. It doesn't matter what is "fair". Again, you can be "right" or be happy.

[annie24]

How did the counseling session go?

[Cilantro]

I'm sorry for the late update. We had our first counseling session last week, and we weren't sure what to make of the counselor completely. My husband is not into this (quote) new age stuff, but I told him therapy isn't new age. He just came from a home with really no issues so he never required therapy lol. It was a little nerve racking through because I feel like she did more talking than we did. I guess I wasn't use to that but what got me was that she'd ask us questions and then never let us answer them. My husband said she probably meant them to be rhetorical, as in she wanted us to probably think about them. We have another appointment ina few weeks. Our insurance doesn't cover family therapy sessions so we have to pay out-of-pocket and we can't afford many appointments. Things are ok with us i guess. I caught him lying recently about something. Not anything with the cheating and actually a really small issue as compared to cheating but lying nonetheless. That set us back. I don't know how I can get my trust back in him if he continues to lie about things. He said he lied because he knew I'd fly off the handle if I knew he was smoking again (he told me he quit long ago). I did fly off the handle. I got really stupid about it and yelled and yelled and yelled. I belittled him, I even threw a glass of water on him. No wonder he wants to keep things from me.

 

In counseling we talked about the cheating but also on my control issues. Of course the two aren't related but they somewhat are. His cheating was just a catalyst to marriage counseling. I'm sure we were bound for it anyway.I guess we're still at a stand still. We had a nice few weeks, then I came home and saw a cigarette butt floating in the toilet and went crazy. Even he threatened divorce that night. it's still so up and down. Today we're ok.

[annie24]

I am sorry cilantro. To your husband, I would not say that therapy is not 'new agey' - if you are throwing water on him, he is lying to you, carried on with his ex and hiding so much from you - this is not a 'happy family' and needs some serious intervention to get things back on track. I would look around your community for some low-cost alternatives as well. therapy would still be cheaper than a divorce. I get that you were angry at him, but yelling and throwing water probably wasn't helping things either. So, I think you might want to work on controlling your temper as well.

[Cilantro]

I am sorry cilantro. To your husband, I would not say that therapy is not 'new agey' - if you are throwing water on him, he is lying to you, carried on with his ex and hiding so much from you - this is not a 'happy family' and needs some serious intervention to get things back on track. I would look around your community for some low-cost alternatives as well. therapy would still be cheaper than a divorce. I get that you were angry at him, but yelling and throwing water probably wasn't helping things either. So, I think you might want to work on controlling your temper as well.

 

We are addressing that in therapy. I agree with you.

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm glad you guys are going. It will take time for things to heal and both to work on your individual problems.

[Capricorn3]

Even he threatened divorce that night. it's still so up and down.

Perhaps that would be the best solution to all the problems? When one considers that being married barely a MONTH and already there has been cheating, yelling, belittling, throwing things, major anger, NO trust, no respect, and already into marriage counselling, one has to wonder if this can be salvaged. It all started on the wrong foot and should never have happened, simply because without TRUST and without RESPECT, you have nothing (imo). There was no trust before marriage (due to his cheating), and now there still is no trust/respect (understandably) - and as long as those two important factors are missing, it will never be a successful, healthy, happy marriage or relationship.

 

I wish you luck with marriage counselling, but still think ending it would be by far the best thing to do, that way leaving you both free to find the right partner, rather than living in an unhappy, miserable marriage just to keep up appearances for the next 40 years.

 

Good luck.