best way to get back with your ex

[ferna3069]

so you want your ex back and you feel devistated?he/she broke your heart?im going to tell you a step by step instruction on the best thing you can do to improve your chances on getting them back.warning this is not for cheaters,beaters or abusers of any sort.

 

this is the best way to get them back. part of this requires compltly getting over them. something you need to realise is no one wants to be with some one needy. show them you can get out of there life. have fun enjoy life. if you sit there and cry it wont bring them back. but if you better yourself. for yourself not for them it will give you a better chance. yes its true that by the time you talk to them agian they might be married. but atleast you did not sit there and suffer for a whole year just trying to get them back.you read of people getting back together in the future right?well they dont sit there and wonder why it happened. they move on make there life better.once you learn how to value yourself. people will learn how to value you more. the changes you mke shouldnt be for a year or two it should be forever.r

steps

1 no contact, i know its hard to believe but no contact is the best thing you can do right now.it will show them that you wont always be there for them even after the break up. get everythin they gave you put it in a box. and store it away. delete there number andtake em of facebook.

 

2 work on yoursel mentaly. write down everything that caused problems. for example you where to jelous. been jelous means been controlling. change that. been to clingy means no space. bordem happens. change that. change the things you know you did wrong. when you write it down read it. tell yourself if you where to jelous. i should trust the person im with if they where going to cheat i cant stop it by been controlling i will just push them to do it.

 

3 work on the way you look. go to the gym. this will make you look great. keep the appearance.keep in shape. it will bring your confidence up and it will get you to act better more confident around people.working on your appearance also include buying new cloth. make yourself look nice.if you where to revealing change that.wear something cute. trust me a guy wants a future with a girl who is confident and dresses nice not something to revealing.that looks more like a one night stand thing.for guys dont dress gangsterish. later on when your ex is bored and looks at your facebook. she will feel better for leaving if you look like a ganster. now if she sees some one with nice cloth doesnt have to be fancy or expensive just nice. it is more of a possibilty that they will feel atracted to you.

 

4 after you got over your ex. go on a date.this can be a year after the break up. have fun enjoy yourself. if you like the new person your with stay with them. put everything you changed to the test. you will see how much better you will do. you fixed the problems you had on yourself. trust me this is the best way to date. the more you date and the more you notice your mistakes. the better you will do. i was like this to. my first relation i was clingy and jelous. real bad combination. i only laster with her for six months. i changed myself. kept the good things in me and changed the bad. this made my second relationship last four and a half times longer.you become more mature. your a beter you. the reason we broke up is because she had major issues.

 

5 work on yourself as been independent. get your life toget. this is one of the most important. i cant stress how important this is.go to college. get a real good job.dont get stuck in a lowe wage job. not that there is anything wrong with that. but part of growing up is getting ahead in life.

 

6 if you break up with the new person for whatever reason. heal . repeat this cycle.

 

7 after you heal re add your previous ex to facebook after its been two years or soif there single then its more likly that they might add you. after they see your new look they will start to wonder how much you changed. by this time its more likey they dont feel anger or pretty much , much of anything. they will most likely feel like your an old friend just bored and wondering how there doing. when you send them a friends request and if they re add you. catch up with them. let them know how life has been treating you. this is going to be like meeting each other over agian. if there was sparks its likely there might happen agian.specialy with the possitive changes you made. its like meeting them for the first time. with out the negatives. catch up. have fun talking. after both of you feel ok about it. go out have fun.there is alot of stories about getting back together and the reason why people do is because they change for the worse. think about it. if you see some one bettering themselves in life wouldnt you be more atracted then some one who just went bitter?

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Ferna. I really needed to read this. Hope you have a good workout today.

[Sagreras]

The Voice of Experience:

 

Reconciliations are rarely fruitful. I ended my third reconciliation attempt on the 11th. All that I succeeded in accomplishing was prolonging the same miserable circumstances that I experienced on the two previous attempts.

 

We are all slaves to one concept: attachment theory, and there is no circumventing this behavioral pattern. In order for a reconciliation to be ultimately rewarding, both parties have to be willing to confront, and surpass, their pain threshold as they adapt to a new way of managing their relationship. A way of behaving that naturally aggravates both individual’s attachment style. This is the reason why most reconciliations end poorly; it is simply too much effort.

 

A case in point: Your girlfriend has a fearful avoidant attachment style, and yours is anxious/preoccupied. When either of these attachment styles is aggravated, it produces instantaneous ruin: the GF runs for cover, and the BF pursues at all costs. The more she wants to avoid issues to placate her psychology, the more he will pursue to placate his own, until the union is irretrievably compromised in a very short period of time.

 

 

And what of differing communication styles? She’s verbally expressive, but her partner isn’t. Her partner’s primary mode of communicating is indirect/non-verbal. This is an easier one to tackle, but still a huge hurdle nevertheless.

 

So…all the NC, independence, and personal growth in the world will not solve the underlying issue that originally led to the dissolution.

[Kailynn]

If they never work how do you explain those that do?

[NCforME]

I have only known 2 couples who have attempted reconciliation and both are doing fine. One just got engaged and the other has been going strong for 3 years on top of there 8 years before.

 

I think its almost natural at some point to look back at your last relationship and wonder if you could have done better. Can it be a lot of effort? yes but often those who are successful end up with better relationships than before. People aren't alway avoidant style and people aren't always pursuers. I think the best thing to do is to learn as much as possible about relationships in general. That way you won't make the same mistakes in any future relationships.

[NCforME]

Of course there is a fine line because some relationships shouldn't be reconciled and some relationships there really never was any love in it, especially the STR. The ones in my eyes that never even attempted either had a nasty ending or there really wasn't any love there.

[Slimpee]

Bottom line: a lot of reconciliations don't work because the people just aren't right for each other. There is no way around it and no way of changing it.

[Rufio]

There doesn't seem to be much support for getting back together in this "getting back together" forum....

[MakeItCount]

There doesn't seem to be much support for getting back together in this "getting back together" forum....

 

People who reconcile rarely come back here. People who are jaded are always on here. Who do you think is more likely to bash someone's attempt at reconciliation?

 

There is no damn black and white. My buddy and his ex just got back together, being in touch the entire time they were broken up while fixing some issues they both had. If I were to post in here saying that was MY plan I'd get NC shoved down my throat. Which is fine, in most situations. I'm an advocate of NC until you heal and are in a better mindset to deal with it.

 

People who have been burned/are jaded will always be naysayers. It is what it is.

 

Btw, did a 3 year old write the OP's "plan"?

[Rufio]

People who reconcile rarely come back here. People who are jaded are always on here. Who do you think is more likely to bash someone's attempt at reconciliation?

 

There is no damn black and white. My buddy and his ex just got back together, being in touch the entire time they were broken up while fixing some issues they both had. If I were to post in here saying that was MY plan I'd get NC shoved down my throat. Which is fine, in most situations. I'm an advocate of NC until you heal and are in a better mindset to deal with it.

 

People who have been burned/are jaded will always be naysayers. It is what it is.

 

Btw, did a 3 year old write the OP's "plan"?

 

So are you saying that a lot of people here taking the NC advice are making a mistake? When do you think people should do NC and when that is counterproductive?

 

I've wondered if this site is actually hindering my chances at a reconciliation. What if the communication is so bad in the relationship that I'm thinking NC and he's thinking NC too. At that rate, no one reaches out and nothing gets accomplished.

[thagator]

Meh, I know a couple who broke up, the girl went completely nutso and borderline stalked him. Showed up at hos house waiting for him while he wasn't home, stuff like that. Two weeks after BU they got back together and a year later they're engaged. Shocking considering he said some nasty things to her such as "I'm not attracted to you, you remind me of my sister." Successful reconciliations happen, I'm there's an astronomical number of married couples who had broken up at some point. I'm still a believer that most reconciliations don't work, and usually for it to work there needs to be significant time apart, but yes, it's not all black and white. If you truly want your ex back then go for it.

[MakeItCount]

So are you saying that a lot of people here taking the NC advice are making a mistake? When do you think people should do NC and when that is counterproductive?

 

I've wondered if this site is actually hindering my chances at a reconciliation. What if the communication is so bad in the relationship that I'm thinking NC and he's thinking NC too. At that rate, no one reaches out and nothing gets accomplished.

 

No no, don't get me wrong. NC is a great choice. I think we've all been there after a breakup, saying/doing things we definitely shouldn't do. Looking back, I would've taken back ALL contact with my ex, because I thought I was being clever. Nope, not so much. Just made myself look pathetic. I know she saw right through it.

 

I think NC is good to an extent. Heal up, better yourself, and allow your emotions to settle. People don't make good decisions based on emotions. Either way though, people need time apart for a successful reconciliation. No matter what. Cheating, lying, loss of attraction, etc. If in your case communication sucked, work on YOUR communication. If your ex doesn't, then they will not make a good partner anyways. You on the other hand will be much more prepared for the next person who comes around.

 

Same goes with any self improvement - whether it helps get you ex back or not, you gotta be better and learn from whatever happened. Win win situations. As people like llama say, by the time your emotions settle down, you're feeling good about yourself from the improvement etc, you might not want them back. The rose colored glasses Do fade. Mine sure have.

 

**I should add, I think breaking NC when you've healed and don't care much for the outcome either way is the best choice. IMO of course.

[MakeItCount]

Meh, I know a couple who broke up, the girl went completely nutso and borderline stalked him. Showed up at hos house waiting for him while he wasn't home, stuff like that. Two weeks after BU they got back together and a year later they're engaged. Shocking considering he said some nasty things to her such as "I'm not attracted to you, you remind me of my sister." Successful reconciliations happen, I'm there's an astronomical number of married couples who had broken up at some point. I'm still a believer that most reconciliations don't work, and usually for it to work there needs to be significant time apart, but yes, it's not all black and white. If you truly want your ex back then go for it.

 

AWW DAMMIT!! I knew I should've watched her through her window. I've ruined it all

[Rufio]

I wasn't saying lack of communication was my problem. Looking back on it now, even though it was very recent, and according to his reasons for the break up, there WAS NO PROBLEM. I'm baffled. You can read my post "Completely Confused" to get the whole spiel.

 

With my last serious relationship, we broke up and reconciled several times over a 7 year period. There was only one time when I went NC and that was before I even knew what NC was. We were separated for a year and he dated someone else in that period before we reconciled. We had good times and that, but if I could go back and do it over again I never would have gotten back together with him. We've been over completely for 2 years now and I'm thankful that it's over and I'm glad we don't speak. I'm in a much better place now and have come to the realization that it never would have worked.

 

If you had told me 2 years ago that I was going to feel this way now, I wouldn't have believed you. But I don't think that I'm ever going to feel this way about my newest ex

[NCforME]

I would argue that if you are broken up then communication was an issue. Unless someone in the relationship is near insane, then communication is essentially why all relationships end.

[thagator]

AWW DAMMIT!! I knew I should've watched her through her window. I've ruined it all

 

Haha I'm sure that route has been taken at some point. Seriously, this girl blew her lid. She tried showing changes by showing up at parties he was at(as was I) and getting completely off the wall smashed, even though she had previously not been much of a drinker. She also started smoking pot which she hadn't done before. I suppose she was trying to give off the impression that she's some sort of bad girl and acted waaay out of her character. But I'm no psychologist, I just play one on the internet.

[Kailynn]

I would argue that if you are broken up then communication was an issue. Unless someone in the relationship is near insane, then communication is essentially why all relationships end.

 

Agreed. From personal experience EVERY issue in my current break up could of been fixed. Unfortunately, by the time things were communicated we had reached the end of the line. We were basically forced to end things because we were fed up with how things were going. Ultimately, for right now, I believe the breakup was the best thing. We would have really started to resent each other and ruined any chance we had for a better future.

[MakeItCount]

Agreed. From personal experience EVERY issue in my current break up could of been fixed. Unfortunately, by the time things were communicated we had reached the end of the line. We were basically forced to end things because we were fed up with how things were going. Ultimately, for right now, I believe the breakup was the best thing. We would have really started to resent each other and ruined any chance we had for a better future.

 

Yep, when ppl can't communicate things build up. My ex was the same way.

 

NC - its right below this one.

[Rufio]

But back to the topic of the thread: I agree with NC to a point, but really the best experience I've had with it is when I didn't know I was doing it. I was young, lost, had built my whole life around my high school sweetheart, and since he was with someone else I felt I'd hit the end of the line. The depression made me lose weight, I went running because I was bored and wanted to be out of the house, and I spent a load of time with friends because I didn't want to think about him being with her. We got back together, to my surprise, but the next two years together was the worst part of the relationship.

 

Be careful what you wish for.

[LN1987]

Do you think this works even if your ex told you they never see a future with you? My ex has no real reason to say that except for our arguments and what he thinks are behavioural issues (which he has also). I'm so worried that if I ever hoped for reconciliation my behaviour since we broke up, which has been less than normal, will have burned the bridge!

[MakeItCount]

Do you think this works even if your ex told you they never see a future with you? My ex has no real reason to say that except for our arguments and what he thinks are behavioural issues (which he has also). I'm so worried that if I ever hoped for reconciliation my behaviour since we broke up, which has been less than normal, will have burned the bridge!

 

It works to get yourself back sure. Added effect of staying away might make them miss you enough for reconciliation. Not a good idea to keep all your eggs in that basket though.

[ferna3069]

Hugs Ferna. I really needed to read this. Hope you have a good workout today.

 

just got back from the gym and i did thank you.

[Sagreras]

If they never work how do you explain those that do?

 

I said that they are "rarely" fruitful, and I've already detailed how reconciliations could work if both parties are willing to surpass their pain threshold.

[Sagreras]

I have only known 2 couples who have attempted reconciliation and both are doing fine. One just got engaged and the other has been going strong for 3 years on top of there 8 years before.

 

I think its almost natural at some point to look back at your last relationship and wonder if you could have done better. Can it be a lot of effort? yes but often those who are successful end up with better relationships than before. People aren't alway avoidant style and people aren't always pursuers. I think the best thing to do is to learn as much as possible about relationships in general. That way you won't make the same mistakes in any future relationships.

 

People aren't alway avoidant style and people aren't always pursuers. I think the best thing to do is to learn as much as possible about relationships in general. That way you won't make the same mistakes in any future relationships.

 

People will either have a Secure, Anxious Preoccupied, Fearful Avoidant, or Dismissive Avoidant attachment style.

 

This is the hidden hand that scripts their behavior in the relationship. When one is familiar with attachment theory, one is familiar with “relationships in general”.

 

What typically happens in long-term relationships is that the two parties have acclimated to each others maladaptive behavioral patterns.

[NCforME]

People will either have a Secure, Anxious Preoccupied, Fearful Avoidant, or Dismissive Avoidant attachment style.

 

This is the hidden hand that scripts their behavior in the relationship. When one is familiar with attachment theory, one is familiar with “relationships in general”.

 

What typically happens in long-term relationships is that the two parties have acclimated to each others maladaptive behavioral patterns.

 

I disagree with this in absolute terms. I think people can tend to one way or another but for instance in my relationship there were times when I was the avoider even though right now she's the avoider. It can also depend on the topic of conversation. There were some things she wanted to talk about and I would avoid and some things I wanted to talk about she would avoid. Its not like somebody is one or the other. You should read Al Turtles site on this, he explains the avoiding/ pursuer dynamic very well.