best way to get back with your ex

[ashley2323]

I've taken a lot of comfort from this thread. I appreciate the sentiment that reconciliation, if it's meant to happen, stems from personal improvements being made on both sides of the equation. If reconciliation doesn't happen, then those personal improvements have at least laid the foundation for growth and healing as an individual, and the individual self is really what needs to be the focus of one's efforts, regardless of the eventual outcome.

 

I was dumped by my ex six months ago, and I am still hopeful for reconciliation some day. After the break-up, I took many of the steps outlined by the OP: NC, worked on myself mentally (counseling), physically (lost quite a bit of weight)... I found new hobbies, and new friends. And sure enough, my ex gradually made his presence known again. First with a text, then an accidental run-in at a place he knows I frequent, then an invitation to dinner, then friendly hangouts... things seemed to be going in my favor.

 

But then I botched it. I went too fast, I came on too strong. I realize that now, and am killing myself for it. I feel like I blew it.

 

I went into every encounter with him believing it was leading to us getting back into a full-blown relationship. He apparently did not see it this way; he's since said that he saw us rekindling a friendship, and that while we’d see where it went, he could sense that if it only ended in friendship, I would not be happy and would opt for no relationship with him at all. I said I could be patient, but he knew I wanted more. And frankly, I wasn't patient.

 

We began talking after three months of the break-up, and within a month of reconnecting, we'd talked about personal matters (emotional intimacy), kissed regularly, and slept together once. I thought it was all going great -- I was getting what I'd worked for in those months apart, and quickly, too. Then he put the brakes on, stopped initiating plans, stopped contacting me period, etc. Eventually he made his true sentiments known: a friendship is all he really wants, he understands if I can't do it, but he thinks we're "meant for better things," and that he doesn't want a girlfriend at this point in his life, period. Why couldn’t I have slowed myself down? Truly been patient…

 

At the moment, indeed, I've opted for no relationship with him at all. It's back to full NC, because I found myself getting hurt and jealous about his interactions with others. Plus I feel like if I do nothing, I can’t screw anything up. But I guess I'm wondering if the OP (or anyone else) thinks that adopting the same strategies outlined in this thread can apply when one reconciliation attempt has already been botched. I do intend on adopting these strategies and attitudes for my own healing as a top priority, in case reconciliation proves itself to not be viable. There’s plenty for me to think about – my career, my living situation, my family and friends, who I want to be in the broader sense – without taking him into consideration. I guess I’m just looking for any glimmer of hope, and maybe that’s foolish… but I’m looking.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Ashley,

Nothing is impossible, but I feel for you and think it was unfair that he actually slept with you before putting the brakes on again. I'm sure you know that the fact he would know you want him back so much is probably working against you.

[delicous]

Only works if hes not already gotten married or moved on with his life...

[joswsieg]

But I'm no psychologist, I just play one on the internet.

 

HAHA! that.is.great.

[ferna3069]

bump.............................

[ferna3069]

bump.... happy sunday every one. i hope every ones having a good day

[ferna3069]

ooops had my day mixed up jaja , now its sunday happy sunday every one

[Lonewing]

Best way, I do believe, is to turn around, walk away, and never look back. And rememebr what you did wrong so that the next time you're with someone, it doesn't go into terminal meltdown.

[ferna3069]

thats exacly what this thread says to do , change be yourself get over them

[ferna3069]

bump agian

[ferna3069]

bump for all the broken hearted people it all gets better

[Wildcars]

It does get better..

 

I can relate to everyone's situation..

 

I've also reconciled, but then so much complications happened, especially when she cheated on you in the first place, and when the other guy is still bloody around..

[mhowe]

Reconciliation is possible --- I am living proof. Quick stats: together 1.5 yrs as bf/bf --- friends for 7 prev. yrs. BU=3.5 months Recon = 3 months. And yes, I did what common currency here says --- NC (altho I like the term "letting go with love" much better). NC for basically all of the 3.5 months --- and then got the speech everyone here dreams of ---- and currently getting the actions to back up the words. Key words/thoughts for the recon process

 

Respect. Trust. Forgiveness. Patience.

[6yeardumped]

Reconciliation is possible -----And yes, I did what common currency here says --- NC (altho I like the term "letting go with love" much better). NC for basically all of the 3.5 months --- and then got the speech everyone here dreams of ---- and currently getting the actions to back up the words. Key words/thoughts for the recon process

 

Respect. Trust. Forgiveness. Patience.

 

I am kindof hoping on the same... 6years together, 20 months LDR, I came back 3 weeks post BU and she was "seeing a co-worker"...not even 1 month after BU of a 6 year relationship.... I am now healing (BU was 2 months ago, but last contact was only 10 days ago).

 

We never had a fight post-BU, just some crying on both ends...I never begged for her to come back - I "only" made some stupid questions I shouldnt have (if she had slept with the guy already, etc.), but all in all, we said goodbye with a hug and a kiss on her forehead...We hugged a lot when crying the last time we met. She said she felt guilty for the end of this relationship. I told her that this was no ones fault and fault of both of us - I told her we both had to learn to forgive each other and ourselves. It was a very much "letting go with love"...and then NC...10 days now...

 

I am now healing, and hoping to get over her as soon as my heart lets me. I know it will take my time to heal. And I also know I will still have hope for sometime, but my healing won't be affected by this hope.

 

I want to get well and date other women, see other things in the world. I am still young (31), and the world is at my feet. I will survive. This pain is making me stronger, and the near future will be my launching pad to become a better man, a better son, a better brother, a better colleague, a better person, a better lover... maybe with her? maybe not... Who knows? The future is not written, and I am loving realizing that!

[jetlitheone]

Reconciliation will happen when you stop becoming desperate and can show your ex that you want them in your life but not necessarily need them! You give it a couple weeks or so of NC so that separation anxiety can go away and such and if it's gone then you can proceed meeting your ex and such because time heals all wounds and you would have given them time to miss you and such

[Tired Tiger]

Im confused - did you reconcile with your ex? Is this why this thread exists?

 

I would not likely follow this advice if there wasnt a reconciliation story attached......but thats just me. Im sure others can relate

 

It does kind of beg a question, doesn't it? How would someone who has not reconciled know the "best way" to do it? Ah, but that's the nature of the internet, I suppose - anyone who takes a CPR class is suddenly qualified to write a manual on open heart surgery. What's interesting is that the vast majority of the most popular, longest-running threads (guides, how-to's, et al) here were OP'd by... you guessed it... people who never reconciled. That's not a criticism, just food for thought.

[ferna3069]

It does kind of beg a question, doesn't it? How would someone who has not reconciled know the "best way" to do it? Ah, but that's the nature of the internet, I suppose - anyone who takes a CPR class is suddenly qualified to write a manual on open heart surgery. What's interesting is that the vast majority of the most popular, longest-running threads (guides, how-to's, et al) here were OP'd by... you guessed it... people who never reconciled. That's not a criticism, just food for thought.

wow you answerd something that some one asked almost two months ago. and your comparing it to open heart surgery are you serious? this is what we call trolling on other peoples thread. reason why i wrote this was to help out the broken hearted people. it doesnt say to beg or do anything dumb. and i wrote this from experience from my first ex. im here to help the way i was helped. i know i mest up but hey its in the past. but comparing it to heart surgery because u know cpr are you serios? think about it for one second if you want the broken hearted to move on and do better in life then follow this. just because your not back with your ex or your angry for some reson doesnt mean u need to come trolling on my threead

[Tired Tiger]

Me? Angry? Nah. Just making a fairly obvious observation.

[Mellie]

Someone recently said that, Wikipedia entries being written by any old Tom, * * * * or Harry, every entry should begin with the words "I reckon".

 

OMG... I can't believe it edited out the shortened form of Richard

[ferna3069]

Me? Angry? Nah. Just making a fairly obvious observation. im going to be honest man, all im trying to do is help people out. i dont agree with your observation but hey u dont have to agree with me you have your thoughts and i have mine.im not even going to let this bother me.because thinking about it u giving some one advice doesnt make u a therapist. im here to help and get help and if it bothers u oh well u can live with it.

[LaKings55]

Seriously, exercise, meditation and having fun have helped me through nearly 5 months of no contact. Also telling myself that she was a liar, a manipulator and never truly shared my emotions also help. It became obvious at a certain point that she was not entirely over the guy before me, and I was just the tall, good looking guy that her family approved of. Just someone to trot in front of her family every so often to go "look, I don't just date abusive older men" It just sucks that I was lured into the relationship by her hotness. Plus, we knew each other as kids, reconnected as adults, etc. It all seemed so perfect, two intelligent, compatible ppl, each 23 yo, enjoying their youth and establishing careers. But, her issues were too much, and I couldn't stand the lack of communication, lack of seeing each other, plans continuously falling through despite being set weeks in advance because she wanted to de-stress by "being alone." I just couldn't shake the question of why if she loves me so much and I'm so wonderful and a great guy, why did she used to be all over her ex when he was abusive and a cheater. She's the type that has to be a victim, and I wouldn't lower myself to that. I appreciated her for who she was, and her family used to tell me I brought out a side they hadn't seen in a long time. But I took her out of her comfort zone. I was accused of making a big deal everytime she wanted to be alone, despite exercising patience and understanding nearly every time she pulled that. Comparatively, her sister's bf was at their house all day, every day. Yet I'm being clingy? Sorry for actually wanting to see my gf more than once every other week for a few hrs despite having an apartment a few mins away. Plus, when she told me "I don't have time for a relationship" after nearly a year together, and the day before an important job interview, it just felt malicious and mean-spirited. One week after valentines and telling me how much she loved me and how happy she was to have me in her life! Like she just wanted me there for her own purposes, primarily her occasional physical needs. I felt used, lied to, etc. But she got her wish, I completely laid out my views, that she if she couldn't handle a fairly casual relationship and school, how could she handle marriage and children? Why did it seem that she was all over her ex when he was abusive, yet I continuously got the cold shoulder? It certainly didn't feel like love anymore. I just feel like an idiot for still having feelings, but 5 months of NC (minus wishing her mother a happy birthday) have made me stronger. I know in the end, she'll probably just end up with her ex or in another abusive relationship. Not my problem. I could've given her the world, but she wouldn't put in the effort. I asked for so little and got even less. But if I had hit her, or just used her for sex, I'm sure she'd still be coming around. Like I said though, she still got what she wanted, to feel like a victim, because after my little rant, she started telling ppl to not talk to me because I'm a "bad guy." Her family knows her issues, and I'm sure they know she's the one that pushed me away. I may have ended it, but she wanted out first. Good riddance, I'll be happier in the long run. I'm done giving, and I have more experience and warning signs to look for in future partners. We may have been compatible, and she may have been hot and intelligent, but it just wasn't worth it. I'll remember the fun times, but I'll never forgive her for what she did and how she used me. In the end, I was just a rebound, probably revenge for her ex.

[LaKings55]

as a side note to my previous post. I was informed by a friend of mine who still had her on facebook (I told him to remove her after he told me this) that she was in another relationship just weeks after we broke up. Then two months later apparently, they broke up. I have a feeling it was her ex, but I just don't care anymore. It's obvious she never truly loved me. I became a **** buddy, boy toy, someone good looking and polite to trot in front of her family, revenge for her ex's behavior. She sacrificed our friendship and history together. Interestingly enough, I took a girl on a date and her sister and her sister's bf showed up as we were leaving. We all said "hi" but that was it. I'm sure the rumor mill started up after that. I also wanted to point out that one week after valentine's (after she told me how much she loved me, gave me a valentine saying how happy she was, etc) she then pulled that "i don't have time for a relationship" the day before a BIG job interview. Well, it led to agreeing to a prolonged break so she can focus on school. Then later that week she removed her relationship status and put single but still kept my family and I as friends. Thats when I told her we were through, brought up valid issues, and then collected my stuff. No contact since then other than a text from her saying she didn't want to be anything other than friends, and if a time came for that she'd contact me. As much as it hurt, I still know I can never be with someone who continually shuts down everytime an issue is raised. Basically someone who will not argue with me. For example, once before our breakup she had a standardized test for her chosen career. She wanted to see me after, I told her she'd probably be tired and it wasn't a great idea. She said she missed me, so I agreed. After the test, when I asked how it went she said she was tired and angry and just wanted to be alone. I asked her what happened, and she refused to tell me. I told her that it was frustrating me that she continually did stuff like this, and she freaked out and said she needed a break. Then a few days later we talked. Naturally, she passed the test with flying colors. Yet I supposedly "make a big deal" every time she wants to be alone. I felt like saying then stop cancelling or making plans in the first place, and just let me know what happened. It took all my patience and empathy to make it work for as long as it did. Constant walking on egg shells, just waiting for something to make her completely shut down for weeks on end. It's like fighting with a brick wall. I feel like an idiot, but again, she was hot, I felt ready for a relationship, we were friends, we had things in common, it felt right. I'll never know what I meant to her, but I have a hunch she's never given me a second thought. All I wanted was to make the most of what little time we spent together. Go out to a club or bar like we used to, but I guess I was asking too much. And if she thought occasional sex was enough for me, it wasn't. Unlike most guys, I don't put much stock into or care much for sex. I literally get almost no satisfaction out of it, especially with women I hardly know. I just appreciate the physical closeness and link being shared with someone I am in love with. It'll be a long, long time before I open myself up to another person the way I did with her.

[LaKings55]

and trust me, it's hard. I hate myself for still having feelings even though its been almost 5 months since I heard from her. I still force myself to go out and talk to women, but I just keep failing to find that spark I felt with her. Not a day, or hour goes by that I don't think about her. I just have no closure, no answers, but I don't expect any. Part of me keeps thinking I can get her back, but I don't know if she was ever mine to begin with. I keep flashing between missing her, and hating her. I know she'll fade in time, but time just seems to be moving so slow these days. Anyone have any thoughts? Part of me thinks maybe I did overreact at times, other times I know I was just fighting a losing battle, and made too many concessions for the relationship to work for me. It takes too to tango, and it took me a while to realize I was basically alone in the relationship anyway. So when I officially ended it, I went from seeing her maybe 3-4 times a month (especially at the end) to never. It was just a vicious cycle of her being an over-achiever (I didn't impact her grades at all) to wanting to de-stress by being alone. But I keep asking myself, why did she put any effort at all? Why go through all that trouble of chasing me down just to continually push me away. I think she feels the need to have a man around on her terms, and with her ex gone, I became a nice substitute. Then when I left, either her ex came back into the picture or some other schmuck came around.

[ferna3069]

bump.................

[ferna3069]

Bump...........................