best way to get back with your ex

[HurtandAlone77]

I just had to jump in after reading this thread. Lots of great advice in here.

 

My fiance ended our 7 year relationship 2 months ago, and given the time alone, I see why. Although many of the issues that led to the breakup were my doing (not following through with any of my goals while she did), I believe there were severe pressures in her life that rushed the decision.

 

What I've grown to understand was the breakup was the best thing for me. Although I love her and I want to be with her, I was spiraling deeper and deeper into depression. I began focusing all of my energy on her, not myself, and I began to lose sight of what was most important: me. I feel that getting back in touch with yourself is the first step towards reconciliation. Our significant others loved us once, then stopped. Why? Sometimes it's because we've become someone we're not.

 

After I came to that realization, I began to work on me. I was in such a state that the type of woman I want wouldn't want to be with who I was. I started the 180 by working on my goals: losing weight and working out, getting my MBA, and traveling the world. In the past two months, I lost 15 pounds, I run and lift weights 6 days a week, I'm applying for grad school, and I'm planning a trip to Switzerland. My ex happened to see me, and quickly noted my weight loss and was happy to see me working on bettering myself. There was surprise in her eyes. I wasn't the man she left.

 

During my transformation, I became a much happier person. I found that for first time in my life, I could love myself. This new attitude made it easier for me to adapt nonchalance. My ex called to cover some loose ends (bills, joint accounts, etc), and I showed little interest in her. She tells me she's going back for her Masters. "Cool" was all I said. After a short while we finished covering the business we needed to discuss, and I ended the conversation.

 

After a while, she tries to add me back as a friend on Facebook. Nope. Then, two days later, she calls me and says she's back in town, and wants to pick up a plant she left in my yard. I text her back saying "come get it whenever, you know where it is." Then she texts me and says she wants to go to lunch with me. Again, nope. I have other plans. She's starting to contact me, and suddenly I'm unobtainable.

 

So I went from self realization -> 180 -> Nonchalance/semi-NC. At first, I did it to get her back. Instead, I got myself back.

[ferna3069]

this is a great example of the plan. this is what im talking about. u have to love yourself first get ahead in life. your doing the right thing. people want to get back with the person they fell inlove with not some one whoe is needy. great post man

[HurtandAlone77]

this is a great example of the plan. this is what im talking about. u have to love yourself first get ahead in life. your doing the right thing. people want to get back with the person they fell inlove with not some one whoe is needy. great post man

 

Thanks ferna. One thing to also remember: you can't truly love someone unless you love yourself. In my case, I think that is part of the problem. Our counselor, who I still see, feels that my ex is so disappointed in herself and so frustrated with the direction her life has taken, that she's not allowing herself to feel any love at all.

[ferna3069]

Thanks ferna. One thing to also remember: you can't truly love someone unless you love yourself. In my case, I think that is part of the problem. Our counselor, who I still see, feels that my ex is so disappointed in herself and so frustrated with the direction her life has taken, that she's not allowing herself to feel any love at all.

yeah true man.thats what alot of people fail to see if you cant love yourself.how can you love others? your the most important person in the break up.there number two if you put them infront your beggint to be treated like a doormat. people dont like doormats.

[iBroken]

Im confused - did you reconcile with your ex? Is this why this thread exists?

 

I would not likely follow this advice if there wasnt a reconciliation story attached......but thats just me. Im sure others can relate

[HurtandAlone77]

Im confused - did you reconcile with your ex? Is this why this thread exists?

 

I would not likely follow this advice if there wasnt a reconciliation story attached......but thats just me. Im sure others can relate

 

In my case, I haven't reconciled with my ex, but it's still pretty early (we separated 2 months ago and were together for 7 years). Every breakup is different, so every method for getting back your ex will be different. For me, I'm posting what I'm doing, and the effect it's had on my ex as well as myself. I see this thread as a way to share stories, to vent, and to get ideas for your own situation. At least that's how I interpret it.

[ferna3069]

Im confused - did you reconcile with your ex? Is this why this thread exists?

 

I would not likely follow this advice if there wasnt a reconciliation story attached......but thats just me. Im sure others can relate

 

alot of reconcilaton stories have to with time apart . and working on yourself. my parents where seperated for years until my dad changed. my biger brother broke up with his wife. until they both changed. the people that i notice never got together are the ones thaat just stay. they drive each other crazy to the point that there is no return.my first ex tried getting back with me when we spend time apart. she broke up with me because she cheated. but i just did not take her back

[SethSLC]

We were together 6+ years. Engaged for 2. Lived together for 4. She left last August because she was tired of trying. We work together and have for years so we were forced to see each other every day. I spent a month trying to get her back and failing that went NC. It sucked. It sucked more than anything has sucked before but I stuck to it. Finally around Christmas she yelled at me one day at work for ignoring her and beginning the next day I started saying hi to her. That evolved everyday to longer and longer conversations (5 min, 10 min, until 2 weeks later before we all left for Christmas vacations a 2 hour long chit chat in my office).

 

I worked hard from August through December (and beyond) on myself. I spent weekly sessions with a counselor. I spent a lot, and I mean A LOT, of time reflecting, journaling, talking to others from my past. I grew and changed the things I didn't like about myself that contributed to my part of the breakup.

 

So after Christmas we started talking back and forth at work a lot more. Near the end of January I started inviting her out to go Snowboarding and finally she accepted (as friends). We kept this routine up, adding morning coffee rituals at work, and started getting coffee outside of work on top of snowboarding. Eventually Nature took it's course and we started acting more like a couple. We told each other no expectations and that was the key.

 

This lasted until last week where some of the mistakes I made during the past 5 months that I wasn't aware I was making caught up to me. During the 5 months I had made comments like "I don't know if I can forgive you, or if I want to, but I want to try" (She hears "I cant forgive you"). It never even crossed my mind how those words would be received because I heard "I want to try" she heard "I can't forgive you".

 

Last week we had the talk where I decided I wanted more and by that I meant "I enjoy what we're doing I want to do it more often" ... she heard "I want a deeper more committed relationship". She panicked and "fled" saying she was confused and didn't know what she wanted whether it was freedom and the ability to see if something else was out there or be with me.

 

I tell you this to explain that even in the course of a reconciliation you have to be careful. See, I CAN forgive her and have. But I was still hurting at the time and lashed out without thinking and chose words to make her "see" my hurt. I tell you all this because it reinforces my belief that the person that left must be the one to convince themselves that they were wrong. That means any and all talk about a relationship have to be brought up by them. You can talk about it, just let them initiate it.

 

Above ALL ELSE!!! You must forgive them. You must let go of your resentments to avoid having words come out that you don't really mean. They must forgive you as well.

 

It's a marathon, not a sprint. So let go of your resentments, forgive, and let nature take it's course.

[HurtandAlone77]

Above ALL ELSE!!! You must forgive them. You must let go of your resentments to avoid having words come out that you don't really mean. They must forgive you as well.

 

It's a marathon, not a sprint. So let go of your resentments, forgive, and let nature take it's course.

 

Very well said. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this, but it seems not all is lost yet. But you bring up a good point: don't let your emotions run amok when you're with your ex. That's why I'm a proponent of (and try to adhere to) nonchalance. But to get to that point, I feel that you need to accept the separation and forgive, but only if forgiveness is earned.

 

You mention that we need to wait for our ex's to initiate the discussion. But in my case, as is with others, that is difficult. One problem in my previous relationship was her lack of communication skills. She avoids many of her problems, as opposed to confronting them. She tried to reach out to me this last weekend by inviting me to be a friend on Facebook, then trying to see me for lunch. I'm not ready. And I will bet my life that she doesn't want to talk about "us". My question to everyone is how can we get an ex, who avoids the issue but wants to connect on some level, start to talk about the relationship? I honestly believe, as do many of our friends, that reconciliation is possible, but I don't know what the next step could be.

[SethSLC]

Meh it happens. No point in crying over spilled milk. Chalked it up to another learning experience. I reflected for 2 days and realized that I was tired of feeling negative emotions when I thought about the breakup and that instead I just wanted warm gooey memories of her and decided at that point to forgive her for everything. So I did. She in turn has to forgive me for what happened DURING the relationship.

 

You're right about the forgiveness part. It was something I knew of and was aware of but for some reason just hadn't realized it needed to happen in the beginning even if we hadn't talked about reconciling. You live and learn, though too often it's the hard way

 

Gave her an engraving the other day for her birthday that had this in it:

 

link removed

 

Where I removed the Lord references and replaced those with a simple "Him" and the child reference was changed to her name. She cried a heck of a lot when she read it and stuff so I held her and we kissed for a moment.

 

But in all honesty she's confused. She either isn't sure that I'm what she wants or if she wants to play the field, or she is scared. Either way she has to figure it out for herself so I just give her her space and she'll either come to me and tell me something or she won't. Until that time I just assume she made her decision and that way it prevents me from pushing her. In the meanwhile I take my puppy to the park and have her pick up ladies for me ;P and go on living my life.

 

I am still deeply in love with her, but sometimes it just doesn't work.

[ferna3069]

this is the part u need to be carefull with. give it time to healbecause when you show how much they hurt you it will bring out resentment. and if she has lack of comunication. take it slow. dont rush into everything. she needs to feel comfterable around u. if she doesnt and u talk about the relatio ship..she wont know what to do. fiving it time to heal number one is the best thin you can do.number two get them confterable around u. and three let them talk about what bothers them. yeah she has lack of comunication but when it comes up to it. at the end she will tell u whats wrong. i learned this from experience

[HurtandAlone77]

this is the part u need to be carefull with. give it time to healbecause when you show how much they hurt you it will bring out resentment. and if she has lack of comunication. take it slow. dont rush into everything. she needs to feel comfterable around u. if she doesnt and u talk about the relatio ship..she wont know what to do. fiving it time to heal number one is the best thin you can do.number two get them confterable around u. and three let them talk about what bothers them. yeah she has lack of comunication but when it comes up to it. at the end she will tell u whats wrong. i learned this from experience

 

I know we need more time. We've been apart for just over 2 months, and we were together for 7 years, and were getting married this summer. She tried to reach out to me, so I think she'll be fairly comfortable around me, but I need more time to heal. I think she does too. A friend told me that my ex is out at the bars, hitting on men, and only talks about herself lately. She's starving for attention. That's a big part of why I didn't see her over the weekend: I don't know if she wants to see me because she misses me, or if she just wants the attention.

 

What I'm afraid of is waiting too long. I know that I need to heal, but I also don't want her to completely move on. She says she has, but I'm not so sure. She asked to keep the engagement ring and she took most of the pictures of us. She keeps trying to see me or talk to me when she's in town. If we're to reconcile, I'm not sure who is supposed to take the next step, or what that step will be.

[Kailynn]

I think reconciliation will just happen so to speak. Yes, someone will need to reach out but, if reconciliation was going to come out of the reaching out it won't matter who did it.I don't believe it's entirely up to the dumper. They we just as hurt by the loss of you if they're wanting you back and being rejected is a fear for EVERYONE. My ex cried like a baby to his mom at the thought of losing me the first time we had a "spiff" that was serious. Of course, when he was talking to me he acted as if didn't care entirely. What they say right now literally means nothing. I've seen people get back together even after they've gotten the "Leave me alone, we're not getting back together". I have an ex who's been pursuing me for years, he dumped me and swore he'd never go back..funny huh?

 

So I guess, when you're ready to reconcile it'll just happen. I don't think it'll be a thought process but more of just a "happening"

[HurtandAlone77]

Wow... what you said actually made me feel a little more at ease. She's not herself right now, so she's not necessarily going to act or speak like the woman I know. Being in situations like mine, it's so easy to only see the negative in relation to the ex. We didn't fight when she left (in fact, we never fought), and we've been more than civil and respectful towards each other since the separation. Right now we're just doing our own thing.

 

The first time she had doubts about our future was in December. We had already planned a trip to Seattle together, and although we started having issues, we decided to take the trip anyway. And you know what happened on that trip? We fell in love all over again. It was incredible, and it happened on its own.

[ferna3069]

this is true, but you need to give it time to get over the brea up, so you can talk to the person more calmly. or else emotions will go all over the place and you wont know how to reach out.

[endy]

I've said this over and over... First of all breaking up with someone one week, then getting back together after a few weeks is not a reconciliation. The majority of successful reconciliations... What IS a successful reconciliation? One that ends in a happy permanent long lasting healthy relationship.

 

The majority of reconciliations start and end again promptly. It doesn't take long for anger or resentment to reappear. Think about this. This is WHY most of us should not want our ex back. There is severe damage (cheating, lying, abuse,)

- Mutual trust gone.

- REAL love gone.

- people do it out of want or need to stop being in pain.

- people do it for temporary happiness. My ex is back, now I can be happy. I'm afraid not.

- The same reason most relationships end in the first place. Personal incompatibility.

- Neither person is in a healthy mental state by themselves. Depression, etc etc. This also would allow them not to be able to work on the relationship properly.

 

So what goes into a successful reconciliation that I've seen?

 

- Significant time being SINGLE working on yourself, and not jumping from relationship to relationship. That does not mean that there can't be another boyfriend or dating in between. I'm talking significant time here. At least 6 months-years. You also didn't just get out of a relationship or are over the previous one.

- BOTH people growing and changing for YOURSELF and bettering yourself as a person.

- BOTH people are in a mentally healthy state. No depression, no fears, no regret about the other person. They have completely forgave them and in terms are starting ANEW.

- You once really did LOVE that person and know what it is to actually LOVE someone. It's an act... It's not the in love feeling you get at the start of a relationship. It does not last forever.

- Usually the reasons are not bad and don't involve (cheating, lying, or abuse). They involve LDR's, work issues, education issues etc.

 

This is NOT the end all be all. This is just typically why they work and do not work IMO. The majority of our ex's... We should NOT want to get back with them. We are going back to the same unchanged person. The same behavior, even if we change. They may not have at all. I think we all know... you can't change anyone... You can only change yourself.

 

This is not going to be the case for everyone. It's a generalization, but it's what I've come to learn thus far.

[AutumnBorn]

The best way to get back with your ex appears to be waiting 20 years or more:

 

1. My friend Tina and her first husband remarried 20 years later.

2. In June my friend Deb is marrying a man she dated and broke up with 26 years ago.

3. My older sister and the love of her life are getting back together after 31 years (she used the Law of Attraction).

4. My handyman and his high school sweetheart are back together after 33 years.

[Eocsor]

Theres no magic trick to getting the ex back, you just have to take your shot and see what happens. Most times it won't work, but sometimes it will. No one can tell anyone what set of circumstances will work. You can do all the positive crap in the world and it still may not work. Some people just will not come back no matter what the circumstances.

 

No contact isn't to get the ex back, it's to allow yourself to heal and move on. If you are strong enough that you can take the possibility of rejection and still love the ex, try any and everything to get them back. BUT if this is making you sick, killing you inside, ruining your life then no matter how much you care about the other person it's time to give yourself some sopace and cut them of. Only you know what you can take.

[pillowtalk]

The best way to get back with your ex appears to be waiting 20 years or more:

 

1. My friend Tina and her first husband remarried 20 years later.

2. In June my friend Deb is marrying a man she dated and broke up with 26 years ago.

3. My older sister and the love of her life are getting back together after 31 years (she used the Law of Attraction).

4. My handyman and his high school sweetheart are back together after 33 years.

 

haha! And actually, I have one to add to this: my friend's dad -- after being single and divorced for 25 years -- is marrying his high school sweetheart! He's 65.

[Oneironaut]

What they say right now literally means nothing. I've seen people get back together even after they've gotten the "Leave me alone, we're not getting back together".

 

I can relate to this entirely. When my boyfriend broke up with me last August, I was told this was it, our relationship was a thing of the past, there was no chance we would ever get back together, reconciliation would never be possible, and I needed to get over it and move on.

 

Tomorrow we'll have been back together for 3 months, a reconciliation that he initiated.

 

ferna, you have some great advice in your OP. I truly hope it helps some people.

[ferna3069]

I can relate to this entirely. When my boyfriend broke up with me last August, I was told this was it, our relationship was a thing of the past, there was no chance we would ever get back together, reconciliation would never be possible, and I needed to get over it and move on.

 

Tomorrow we'll have been back together for 3 months, a reconciliation that he initiated.

 

ferna, you have some great advice in your OP. I truly hope it helps some people.

 

thank you. i should of posted that part about what they say means nothing. and i hope it helps people to

[Yaz]

Just give it away. If you're doing these things only for reconciliation (and over a two year period?!), you've got it wrong from the outset.

 

Reconciliation should be a mutual, sweet and rewarding surprise/agreement, not something one half of the partnership slaved for two years trying to win back. Ridiculous.

[Oneironaut]

Just give it away. If you're doing these things only for reconciliation (and over a two year period?!), you've got it wrong from the outset.

 

Reconciliation should be a mutual, sweet and rewarding surprise/agreement, not something one half of the partnership slaved for two years trying to win back. Ridiculous.

 

I agree with this, as well.

 

After 5 months, I had finally started moving on. I stopped reaching out to him, essentially gave up on the idea of getting back together with him, and began looking to the future.

 

When he contacted me again, out-of-the-blue 6 weeks later, it was an incredible surprise. Even more of a surprise was when he asked me to consider getting back together. We spent at least 7 hours talking, hashing out everything that had gone wrong between us, and agreeing to try and do it "right" this time, which included honesty and trust. No second-guessing each other, open communication if one of us has an issue, and no secrets.

 

So far we're doing incredibly well. Yes, we've had a few bumps, but what relationship doesn't? The difference is that after being apart for so long, we appreciate being back together, and are willing to take the bumps as par for the course.

 

I'm not sure that it'll be a "happy permanent long lasting healthy relationship", as endy alluded to above, but we're taking it day by day and that's all we can really do for now.

[WeightOffChest]

I think the OP implied that the best way to reconcile is to move on. For instance, my ex and I are on good terms (of NC), and I think we have a great connection. I would like a reconciliation down the line, mainly because it's very hard to let go. However, I'm not even bothering to pursue her or have her pursue me, because we'd fall into the same pitfalls of the past relationship.

 

Also, it's hard to fully forgive and move on from the breakup and the fallout of it. The best thing to do is to put it past me, not worry, and move forward with my life. Without doing that, I would just be hoping for a reconciliation (that's the stage of the breakup I'm in now, it may change soon enough), without making any real change in my life.

 

This thread lifted my spirits a little bit. I've been dwelling on the idea about my ex and this rebound, and how she could be doing things for this guy that she used to do for me. It tears me up and offends me a little, but reading this thread made me realize that I need to try and forgive myself for that. It's not about her anymore, but it's about me. That's the only way down the line we could potentially work things out.

[ferna3069]

bump.....................