Hope is your enemy

[Eocsor]

I didn't "come up with it".....

 

link removed

 

Last paragraph

 

It's interesting but misleading. If you're referring to Dailey, R. M., Pfiester, A., Jin, B., Beck, G., & Clark, G. (2009). On-again/off-again dating relationships: How are they different from other dating relationships?

They were specifically looking at a subset of people, that is people in on again, off again relationships. I don't think you can extrapolate that to the general population.

[wordup7]

I am sorry, you're situation puts my pathetic situation in to perspective. That is real heartbreak.

[NCforME]

It's interesting but misleading. If you're referring to Dailey, R. M., Pfiester, A., Jin, B., Beck, G., & Clark, G. (2009). On-again/off-again dating relationships: How are they different from other dating relationships?

They were specifically looking at a subset of people, that is people in on again, off again relationships. I don't think you can extrapolate that to the general population.

 

NO..... I don't think you quite read that right. What it is saying is that 60% of all young couples experience it. It is extrapolated. The only subset they are referring to is young couples. Since I'm 25, it is of particular interest to me at least.

 

Not sure where you are getting that is only a subset of only on/off relationships. That doesn't even make sense, since 100% of on/off relationships experience on/off relationships. The 60% is referring to the general pop. of young adults. So no, not misleading.

[Eocsor]

NO..... I don't think you quite read that right. What it is saying is that 60% of all young couples experience it. It is extrapolated. The only subset they are referring to is young couples. Since I'm 25, it is of particular interest to me at least.

 

Not sure where you are getting that is only a subset of only on/off relationships. That doesn't even make sense, since 100% of on/off relationships experience on/off relationships. The 60% is referring to the general pop. of young adults. So no, not misleading.

 

Well the article referenced for those stats is:

 

On-again/off-again dating relationships: How are they different from other dating relationships?

 

Which I believe was a study of approximately 200 couples fom that specific subset.

 

Also what do you mean by " since 100% of on/off relationships experience on/off relationships."

[italiannmf24]

I'd agree that having false hope or any hope for that matter can be dangerous at times when dealing with an ex. But you can hold out hope for a certain amount of time, until you conciously and subconciously give up hope. Therefore allowing you to heal quicker and easier.

[NCforME]

Well the article referenced for those stats is:

 

On-again/off-again dating relationships: How are they different from other dating relationships?

 

Which I believe was a study of approximately 200 couples fom that specific subset.

 

Also what do you mean by " since 100% of on/off relationships experience on/off relationships."

 

Yeah they polled a population of couples and asked them how many have broken up and gotten back together and 60% replied back yes. The subset studied is then taken from couples who said yes.

 

The statistic says "60% of young-adult couples break up and renew at least once" that means 40% of couples don't break up and get back together even once.

 

I said "since 100% of on/off relationships experience on/off relationships" because you said that they were only polling this subset of people. Which makes no sense because if they polled only a population that had an on/off relationship then the statistic would read 100% because all on/off relationships have reconciled at least once. Makes sense right?

[NCforME]

The only thing I could find misleading about this statistic is that I'm not sure what they are considering a break up. Did this couple break up for a week or 6 months? I would like to know what there median amount of time apart was.

[Eocsor]

You may be right, but I reserve the right to further dispute it since I'm a bitter, angry man I agree. median breakup times would be interesting.

 

PS

I stand by my original contention.

[AutumnBorn]

Sure, just because I'm peddling the truth instead of the Cool-aid most people on here are drinking I must be bitter and jaded. Reality is a much better option than misplaced hope. It lets you get on with living your life and to a healthier place in life. This I know from personal experience, mine and others. If you want to remain stuck in the past thats your choice, i just don't think it's productive and the sooner you accept that your hope is misplaced the better.

 

Oh, now, don't try to make this about me me me. The world doesn't revolve around me, but thanks for putting so much thought into me and what you think I want, think, or feel. It's really sweet, in a messed up way.

[Eocsor]

Oh, now, don't try to make this about me me me. The world doesn't revolve around me, but thanks for putting so much thought into me and what you think I want, think, or feel. It's really sweet, in a messed up way.

 

You've been here since 2006. You have 1600 plus posts. I bow to a wiser person.

[dramallama]

I'm not sure why people here have a problem with the original post. I don't see the poster coming from a place of bitterness at all. The truth will set you free and to me, holding onto hope and actively stoking that hope to keep it alive and taking actions that encourage it to not fade away, is not living in truth at all. Yes, it's scary to face your fear, but it's better to face the truth even if it is scary because even if it hurts, at least you're not lying to yourself anymore. The truth is also something that will encourage you to move forward, slowly, instead of making decisions from a place of fear. And that is as far away from bitter as you can get - it's practical and a positive action to take.

[Unknown1607307972]

It makes some sense to me, basically not clinging onto false hope and to get through the pain rather than prolong it and lose your dignity.

 

The only part I disagree with is the part about not forgetting your ex put you in that state. Of course hating your ex is normal at first but if it gets to a ridiculous amount of time and the break up was for fairly typical reasons (so he/she didn't abuse you or something extreme) then keeping intense bitterness is just going to hurt you more. You need to let go of that too after a while as it will 1) villianise your ex, who did indeed hurt you but there are two sides to every story and it's not fair to portray someone as the antichrist forever unless they *really* did something heinous, and 2) it will keep you thinking about your ex more and more which will make it harder to put them out of your life when they are in your conscious mind all the time.

[AutumnBorn]

You've been here since 2006. You have 1600 plus posts. I bow to a wiser person.

 

Thank you for the acknowlegement, but enough about you, let's get back to me me me.

 

Yes, I've wandered in here for a long, long time ago in a daze from impending doom. I could be doing something more worthwhile now, like playing Farmville or WoW or something else equally satisfying, but I just can't tear myself away.

 

Hopelessness is no more valid a feeling than hopefulness. People let go when they're ready and not a moment sooner. They can control their behavior, but not their emotions. If they actually can, they're sociopaths who have learned how to act as if they're feeling human beings.

 

There are a lot of very fragile people here. Some of them are barely holding on. When we dismiss their feelings and thoughts, when we're so arrogant as to tell someone what they think or feel or should think or feel, we don't empower them or set them free. We only validate their feelings of worthlessness. We should try to be very intentional and thoughtful with our words. Some have a force powerful enough to push people off the ledge they're standing on, no matter how altruistic our original intention may have been.

 

I'm here because I can't seem to stay away. I held someone's hand one night through PM while they were standing on a ledge and I've felt a sense of purpose in offering what little I know since then. It was a few years ago. I worked on a suicide prevention line in college, so it seemed like fate. Plus I don't sleep much anymore.

 

That said, I still have to slip into something sexy and practice a new cello piece I'm learning. (If I'm going to have something big and hard between my legs, I'm going to be dressed for it.)

[delboi]

I completely agree man, that Hope is a huge barrier preventing people from letting go

 

However i think its also an important part of the healing process, to realise this about hope, i only realised it after a failed recon attempt, a lesson well learned which allowed me to finally man up and accept reality!

 

For the lucky few that it works out again this message may not apply, but for the other 99% of us, print the eocsor's first post and glue it to your forhead! it will make healing faster.

Remember this "stupid people learn from their own mistakes, wise people learn from other peoples mistakes" hah

[Eocsor]

And a Saint as well. Sorry but I can't agree with what you're saying. People often hold on to damaging fantasys long past the point where they serve any purpose. Irrational hope actually retards the healing process and serves no concrete purpose other than to delay the ultimate moment when reality comes crashing in. The sooner you deal with reality, the sooner you can begin to rebuild yourself and thats got to be better than inhabiting a twilight existence where reality has been banished.

 

And god help the poor soul who comes here if they really are as fragile as you contend. An online forum staffed by a bunch of amatuers is the LAST place on the face of the planet such people should be turning to. Seek professional help immediately would be my recommendation for anyone with suicidal thoughts.

 

And that last little bit you wrote, I have no idea, but it was entertaining

[Luckyy]

Well this is an interesting thread...and whoever said it sounds like hes joining the dark side on the first page made me laugh while reading this. Some people here really do come accross as bitter though.

 

I get where both sides are coming from to be honest. I guess my way of seeing things is there is a difference between wishful thinking and hope.

[Slimpee]

I think at the end of the day hope is good. But hope should be just that...hope. I think that you have to expect no reconciliation, no contact ever again w/ the ex and you have to move on for yourself.

 

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst...

[Tired Tiger]

Sure, just because I'm peddling the truth instead of the Cool-aid most people on here are drinking I must be bitter and jaded.

 

Um... if there's anything that can be defined as 'Kool Aid' within the confines of eNA, it's most certainly not false hope - it's the generic and indefinate application of the "NC" meme, and the projections of people's own frustrations as authoritative psychology. The devaluation of exes and supposition of mental disorders ranks up there pretty high, too. Additionally, the "truth" you're peddling is your truth - your reality - your particular point in the process. That's not wrong, in and of itself, but it's also not necessarily applicable to every individual and/or situation.

 

That said, I personally find the concept of "hope" as idiosyncratic as "faith" or "intuition". In that respect, we might be in agreement (though not in the context you intended). Wishing for something won't make it happen, that's for sure. Yet, there's the reality that couples do reconcile (and yes, with far more frequency than winning the lottery). No, they don't accomplish that on the sole concept of "hope", but neither does it happen when shrouded in pessimism and negativity (regardless of what flavor of Kool Aid it's disguised as). "Hope" doesn't have to have anything to do with either healing or reconciliation. It has to do with how one accepts, lets go, and creates their own best circumstances that dictates the future.

[Sim54]

Can we just end this thread on TT's post, as it pretty much sums it all up, as well as sums up this whole forum as well. Not bad going for a couple of paragraphs!!

 

 

[thagator]

Hope can be a good or bad thing. If you sit there all day everyday thinking aboqut your ex, hoping they will come back after a significant amount of time has passed, that's probably not very healthy, and shows one might be totaally stuck on their ex. Hope right after a break up is totally natural and a good thing, I had and still have a little bit of hope that my ex would entertain the idea of reconciliation, but I don't let those thoughts dictate my day or how I go about my business. It's when hope becomes obsession where it's a bad thing. Just my two cents. Hang in there everyone!

[NCforME]

I see hope as just a residual affect of the person not working on themselves. If they really commit to learning, at least for me, it has sped up the healing process. Hope is not something that someone can turn off by themselves. Its really an effect of a lack of knowledge. My "hope" as dwindled the more I learn about relationships and empathy.

[Eocsor]

Can we just end this thread on TT's post, as it pretty much sums it all up, as well as sums up this whole forum as well. Not bad going for a couple of paragraphs!!

 

 

 

Where would the fun in that be. Thers nothing like a good debate I don't take it personally and hopefully no one else does. They're just upset because I'm right

[MakeItCount]

Interesting thread, and I think it's pretty funny how badly it's being attacked. But, this is the GBT forum. Personally, I think hope is a great thing, but hope is something that needs to not overtake your mission to HEAL and become a better person due to the breakup. Figure out your flaws, improve yourself, blah blah. We've all heard it before, but it's so true. I think hope can be a driving force as jefr61 said, a catalyst for great things. Just don't let it overshadow healing and progress. I think the best position to be in is to not really care either way. I think hope can always be around.

[AutumnBorn]

They aren't ready to give up, so there is no healing for them yet. It doesn't begin until they're done.

 

If it's the only place you have at 3:00 a.m., that's where you go. I told her to get professional help and stayed with her until her doctor's office opened.

 

I guess you'd have to see my cello pictures to get the last bit. Facebook ID is the same as here.

[AutumnBorn]

HOPE is not a residual effect....HOPE is the single basis for everything positive, and every accomplishment in all of human history.

 

You are absolutely right.