Hope is your enemy

[Eocsor]

So, your significant other has dumped you and you’re heartbroken. All of the world is black and you’re holding on to that one little ray of sunshine in order to stay afloat in a sea of despair. And that bright light is hope, hope that they’ve made a mistake and will soon realize they want you back. You’re certain it’s just a matter of time before they will call and say the words you want to hear, come back, it was all a mistake.

 

Well I’m here to tell you that hope in this case is the worst thing for you. Let go of all hope because all hope will do for you is prolong your pain and keep you living in a fantasy world where you will hungrily devour any crumbs thrown your way by the ex. Hope will strip you of your dignity and make you grovel and act in ways you could never concieve. Hope will have you drunk dialing a certain someone at 1:30 in the morning. Hope will have you believing that what people said about you and the ex, that you were a great couple and meant for each other, actually means something when in reality it means nothing. Hope will have you stalking online forums looking for anyone to tell you that they still think there is hope, and you shouldn’t rule out getting back together. Hope will have you reading things into what your ex does when all they are is meaningless gestures. Hope will convince you that the fact that they are in a relationship with someone else is just a temporary setback, you are still meant to be. Hope will make you think that the fact that they cheated on you isn’t really that bad and you can forgive them.

 

You want to heal, then abandon all hope. Embrace the pain and let it course through your body. Accept the fact that it’s over and never forget that they were the cause of all that you are going through now, the sleepless nights, the crying fits, the feelings of worthlessness. It matters not whether their intentions were good or bad, they brought you to this state. Revel in it and never forget it. Ride the wave of despair to a better place and a brighter shore.

 

Because if you do abandon all hope, if you embrace accepting what has happened as a fact that no one can change, then I promise you will heal. But until you abandon that hope, hell on earth is your fate.

[bfla]

I kinda feel like this oughta be in the Healing forum.

[AutumnBorn]

Without hope nothing is possible. Every dream, every goal, every beginning starts with hope and nothing more.

[Slimpee]

I bet the OP is a blast at parties...

[Kailynn]

Well, it sounds to me as if you'd rather be bitter and angry at your ex vs. allowing yourself to realize that not all ex's are Satan. Perhaps this should go in the healing forum with people who don't want hope. It's wasted space here.

[Eocsor]

Without hope nothing is possible. Every dream, every goal, every beginning starts with hope and nothing more.

 

Denial of reality is never a positive thing. 99% of the people on here are killing themselves because they can't face the reality of their situation.

[Eocsor]

Well, it sounds to me as if you'd rather be bitter and angry at your ex vs. allowing yourself to realize that not all ex's are Satan. Perhaps this should go in the healing forum with people who don't want hope. It's wasted space here.

 

I'd say this is exactly where it needs to be as most people here are living in an absolute fantasy land.

[NCforME]

You want to heal, then abandon all hope. Embrace the pain and let it course through your body.

 

It sounds like you are joining the dark side, lol.

 

I have to honestly disagree that hope is a problem. People will have it anyways. The main reason people get stuck is their ego gets in their way of realizing they have no control of the other person. I think if you use empathy, your ex can be made into a person again. That doesn't mean they are coming back but atleast you'll understand why.

 

You can't force yourself just to accept something, use empathy to give yourself a reason why you should accept it.

[Aquarius71]

Hope is a natural reaction that the dumpee can't avoid. Time will do its work and hope will slowly fade away. It's a natural process that needs to be faced by the dumpee. Nobody has the power to instantly kill the hope inside. It will go away by itself in due time. Meanwhile, if someone interesting will catch the attention of the dumpee, the process will be shorter, but this seldom happens so fast. Time, time, time. Time has all the power.

[Kailynn]

I'd say this is exactly where it needs to be as most people here are living in an absolute fantasy land.

 

 

Yeah, it's absolutely ridiculous to believe that you might just get back together with someone who didn't cheat, beat or lie to you. Insane to assume that NOT every horrible experience you've had relates to everyone here. Wrong forum. If you want to blast your views of hope being pointless then do it in the right forum. The people here are looking for hope because it's what they want. They don't give a damn about what you think.

[NCforME]

Denial of reality is never a positive thing. 99% of the people on here are killing themselves because they can't face the reality of their situation.

 

Your denying reality by saying people never get back together. In fact 60% of young couples who break up get back together. Of course the severity matters. Cheating I'm sure is almost zero. I just don't think your way of thinking is healthy. You never know whats going to happen. You sound like you are having a rough day with your break up.

[bungalo]

Accept the fact that it’s over and never forget that they were the cause of all that you are going through now, the sleepless nights, the crying fits, the feelings of worthlessness. It matters not whether their intentions were good or bad, they brought you to this state. Revel in it and never forget it. Ride the wave of despair to a better place and a brighter shore.

 

And exactly HOW does one do this? Is there a certain switch we flip? It takes two to tango, each party plays a role in a breakup. This is black and white thinking.

[Sim54]

Never blame your ex for the pain you are feeling. They didn't bring you there, nor do that to you. You did it. Your feelings are your responsibility.

[Slimpee]

I sort-of see the OP's point. I think hope w/out progress is damaging. I think a lot of people come here looking for hope and they find it. BUT, this hope has to be tempered with reality. The reality is that the relationship is broken and sitting around pining won't change it. I think it's at this point that people can go two ways: 1. they continue to spin themselves into a rut obsessing about what happened and what can be done w/out actually doing anything or 2. accepting reality, assessing what happened, and moving forward, whatever that looks like.

 

I think having hope in scenario 1 can keep people from taking the opportunity to become better people and better mates for the next relationship (whether w/ the ex or w/ someone else). Hope in scenario 1 can lead down a dark hole of desperation that is difficult to climb out of. Hope in scenario 1 looks for the past to repeat itself.

 

Hope in scenario 2 is different, however, because I feel that hope in scenario 2 is that taking time for personal growth will lead to become a better person and once you move in that direction you become more attractive in general. Hope in scenario 2 is for a bright future.

[Slimpee]

For me personally, i started out in scenario 1 but with the help of people close to me I realized that I needed to be in scenario 2. I'm thankful that i have moved that direction. I'm still scared that I haven't changed as much as I think, or that I will repeat my past mistakes, but I honestly do feel like i'm a stronger, wiser person for having gone down the road of scenario 2...

[AutumnBorn]

I'd say this is exactly where it needs to be as most people here are living in an absolute fantasy land.

 

Being in your 50s, you probably find it something of a fatherly duty to help the young and hopeful learn from your mistakes and move on to jaded and bitter as quickly as possible in order to save them from 14 year engagements, too. But isn't it better to let them figure it out in their own time? Why try to spread the misery? Life is hard enough.

 

At least 10% of all divorced couples remarry each other. The official statistic is 10%, but some estimate the actual figure could be as high as 14%. If 10% of the couples here, formerly married or not, can reconcile, I think there's room for hope.

[Talk2much]

You sound like the bloke of shawshank redemtion haha. But you are right, hope is a bad thing when it comes to relationships, the more you think something is going to happen the more you will be let down. As much as it hurts just think the person you once loved is gone, if you was a decent spouse then they will regret it. Example - one of my past exes told me they regretted finishing it with me - that was 2 years on. It was my second worst ever break up ever, im going through the worst now. The longer you hold on to hope the longer the pain will last. Trust me - I'm still holding on to hope

[Realitynut]

I, too, understand where the op is coming from. That is why I'm sitting here in my bathrobe at almost 5 pm, not doing anything productive like I promised myself last night that I would. That is why I go to bed at 3 in the morning, so I can sleep almost until noon...because I have finally lost my hope.

 

I clung to hope way after I should have let it go. Clung with a death grip. He had an affair last year. Met her the same week he was going to propose to me...but yet I clung to the hope that after the infatuation with her was over, he'd be back. He kept stringing me along, and he even admitted to it. He didn't know where it was going "with her". I said "I know, I'm just waiting for you to get over her." Hope. He did eventually come back. After he got a card from me saying 'dont contact me, it hurts too much",.

 

I had been on these forums and laughed on how true they were. Yes, he came back. I also told him that getting "back" together is the easy part, staying together is the tough part". He didn't seem to understand. We were together one wk. He went back to seeing her the next wk. When I found out, he said he had quit seeing her (for all of 2 wks) and that he had just been 'writing the final chapter of the book'. I believed him. I still had hope for our future. Hope that he really did love me. Hope lived. Not reality.

 

In March he said he thought he "loved me, but was not "in love" with me. I thought he was just being a stupid guy who didn't know the difference between infatuation and real love. (after all we are in our 50's) Denial. That is painful. Hope, that is what keeps us going.

April 1, we made love and I drove 4 hrs. to go back home. With hope and love in my heart.

April 2, he called and said he was on the fence. I said "let's not talk negative, lets keep this positive." Hope.

April 3, we talked.He said he made out a list, pros and cons. He said his family and friends didn't want me around. I said that I'd accept them. (long story).

April 5, he called while I was having an emotional crying meltdown. He said he'd call later. Hope. He never did.

The next day he never answered my phone calls. Called him at work. He said he hadn't been answering cuz he needed a few days to think. i said, I don't need a few days to think. is it on or off. He said it was "over." I'm at work "gotta go".

 

Reality. Hope gone. Depression. I haven't seen him for over a month. This is the longest I haven't heard from him. I called on Easter. Nothing. I called today. Nothing. Last wk I saw on my phone bill ( I paid for his cell) that he was calling her on April 1. Probably before that also. Last year I lived on hope. Everynight I held a cross and his picture, and prayed. I said, "I know we are suppose to be together, I know it. I believe it." Everynight. Even when over Thankgiving she paid his way to go to Jamaica with her. I believed. I lived on hope, that i found to be was false hope. He had stopped loving me years before, but he was too weak to tell me, and I was too weak to let him go. Let US go. Let our home, our yard, our hopes and dreams for the future go. I clung to hope. And where did it get me?

 

Sure, I had fleeting moments of joy and happiness when he was feeding me his lies that he still loved me and that we were still going to get married...the high of the roller-coaster. And now the the crash at the bottom. Yes, hope. Hope springs eternal. hope for the future, hope for a new day. Hope for something better. But when you keep hoping for a love, for a life, for a future, for a dream, that only YOU are dreaming and hoping for, then you have to let it go. It's something I haven't been able to do...yet.

 

After all...I called him today...again. Even tho I know he will never come back, there is still that little, teeny-tiny bit of hope, way down in the bottom of my heart that still says, maybe. Maybe in a year. Maybe in 2 years. Just maybe, someday, he'll remember our love again, and try. Hope. Not Good!

[tony777]

thats the saddest thing i ever heard....i feel for you

[Eocsor]

Your denying reality by saying people never get back together. In fact 60% of young couples who break up get back together. Of course the severity matters. Cheating I'm sure is almost zero. I just don't think your way of thinking is healthy. You never know whats going to happen. You sound like you are having a rough day with your break up.

 

Where did you come up with this statistic? proof please.

[Eocsor]

Being in your 50s, you probably find it something of a fatherly duty to help the young and hopeful learn from your mistakes and move on to jaded and bitter as quickly as possible in order to save them from 14 year engagements, too. But isn't it better to let them figure it out in their own time? Why try to spread the misery? Life is hard enough.

 

At least 10% of all divorced couples remarry each other. The official statistic is 10%, but some estimate the actual figure could be as high as 14%. If 10% of the couples here, formerly married or not, can reconcile, I think there's room for hope.

 

Sure, just because I'm peddling the truth instead of the Cool-aid most people on here are drinking I must be bitter and jaded. Reality is a much better option than misplaced hope. It lets you get on with living your life and to a healthier place in life. This I know from personal experience, mine and others. If you want to remain stuck in the past thats your choice, i just don't think it's productive and the sooner you accept that your hope is misplaced the better.

[NCforME]

Where did you come up with this statistic? proof please.

 

I didn't "come up with it".....

 

link removed

 

Last paragraph

[endy]

Hope is part of Love. If people choose to embrace that hope then let them. They will figure it out themselves eventually. Definitely see your point, and it frustrates me to a point that people want their ex back so badly on here. I had to learn, and I did quickly that I don't want them back, and so must they learn... Either the real hard way, or just the hard way. I'm here to help people now, not because I want my ex back. I just feel like I'm giving back because people helped me when I first came here. Including yourself

[NCforME]

If you learn empathy towards the person who dumped you it is much easier to eventually let go I have found. This is because your will finally accept that you weren't such great person to be with, usually. Or you realize that things really weren't that great so he/she dumped me. If keep lying to yourself about how this person just doesn't get it. then you will be on the hook until you do. You can't just let go. You have to give yourself a reason too, and empathy will do that.

[dramallama]

I think it's natural to have a little bit of hope until it fades away with time. But it's better to accept the truth and the facts sooner rather than later or you will just draw things out and make it harder on yourself.