I Saw Another Woman At Ex's House Tonight - Very Sad

[Silverbirch]

Around 7 weeks ago, my partner who I had been with for 4 years, told me he wanted time out to think things out. He had been very depressed about a number of issues in his life. At that time, said he wanted me to remain in his life, that he wanted me to remain his best friend and be a prominent person in his life, blah, blah, blah.

 

I had a really awful feeling then and knew he was breaking up with me. He said I was being premature. He even wanted me to go to dinner with him a couple of nights later as it was pre-arranged and so I did. I couldn't bring myself to attend his birthday party though. I found out that he only stayed at his own birthday party for 40 minutes feigning an excuse to leave.

 

I had things of mine at his place, some of it paintings, etc, but also personal things like clothes, toilettries, etc.

 

I didn't hear from him Easter, and even though he knew a close friend of mine died just prior to Easter, he did not contact me. I texted him after Easter asking him if I could pick up something for my camera - to please leave on his patio if he didn't mind and I would pick it up after work. When I got there, he had packed everything of mine and put it on the patio. I could barely fit it in my car. No note, no nothing.

 

I have remained NC since before Easter. Tonight I was driving home from a friends and his house is on the road I drive on to get home. I saw there was a blonde woman in his front room on the computer. It was 10.30pm.

 

My heart sank. I didn't want this to be true. Up until 2 weeks before the break-up, he was texting me saying he loved and adored me. I did lots for his children, and have so many regrets now that bit by bit, his life became more important than my own. At the end of the relationship, he was telling me that "he wasn't getting a good return from me in the relationship." I had moved into a management position at work 4 months earlier and due to the nature of the work, was working in a highly assaultive environment, and I had also been sick after having several venomous spider bites. I was very tired and stressed out, and not bouncing around in the bedroom.

 

I can't know 100% if he has already found my replacement, but it feels so disappointing, the whole way he has handled everything, and I would have to be incredibly naieve not to consider this the most likely reason the woman was there, It will be very hard to trust again.

 

If you've managed to read this far, thank you.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I'm sorry, that sounds aweful. But you know what? I think good riddance! You say you did so much for him and seems like he got rid of you as soon as you didn't have as much time for him as you had before. You don't want to be with someone who only wants you in your good times.

[prettynthecity]

Good riddance to him! I know it hurts, but you have to pick yourself up from your bootstraps and move on. Forget about him.

[guynextdoor]

I'm sorry to hear the bad news. Its best if you stick with NC and do yourself a favor.. don't drive by his house.

[JonasWaingaro]

Sorry you had to find out like that but it's a sign to just let go. Right? Something similar happened to me and wow was it a smack in the face. I got the same blah blah blah, best friend, prominent part of her life, yadda yadda. Well a few weeks later I find out she's been hooking up with some guy. Ouch. So saying one thing and doing another. It sucks. A little honesty goes a long way but some dumpers forget how I guess. Trust does take a major hit after things like this. No doubt about it. But give it time and really focus on you and healing. It gets better and you can trust again. If you give it the proper time and energy on taking your life back. Ya know? Anyhoo, time to take a new route home.

[Silverbirch]

Thanks all. I don't want to drive past his house. I never want to see or speak to him again. I'm hurting badly, but from this point, NC will be easy.

[Used2BHappy]

Remember the universe shows us things when we need to see them. I think you needed to see that so you can finally know to let go. If he hasn't tried to contact you this whole time I would just let it go and stay NC. You don't know a 100% who that woman was so I wouldn't assume you know the full details. Life is tricky and sometimes we can't always conclude things so easily BUT I do think you've had enough signs to know what you should do. I am very sorry you had to find out this way. It is never easy to let go (I'm trying to do that as I write this) but just know you aren't alone. We all go through this and many are doing it as you do it. Rock on brave lady!

[lavenderdove]

The thing is, when people decide to break up, they frequently don't give you the real reason because they either don't want to hurt you or they are cowardly because they are doing something shady like dumping you to chase some new interest they just met, and don't want to admit that to you because it makes them look like the bad guy. Or even more frequently, they want to take the new person for a spin while you don't know about it, just in case they decide they don't like the new person as much as they think they will and want to come back. You're far less likely to take them back if they tell the truth and say i left you for someone else, rather than something nebulous like, i need my space or need to find myself etc.

 

So maybe this is a piece of the puzzle, that the real reason was a new woman. Which should just accelerate your healing because you don't have to feel guilty like you did something wrong to bring on the breakup!

 

I was in love with someone who strung me along for a LONG time with all kinds of excuses why he wanted to see me, but couldn't due to work commitments and could not to make a big commitment to me either because he had too many irons in the fire etc. But i eventually discovered the real reason was that he had met a rich woman and married her to gain her lifestyle, and was lying to me about it because he wanted to have both her AND me! I had spent forever wondering what i was doing wrong or why he wouldn't commit to me and spend more time with me, when the real reason was he was already married!

 

The good news is that discovery shot me into hyperspace in terms of being able to dump him and cut him off and really start my healing, when i had been reticent to do that before because i believed all his excuses (lies!) and kept thinking if i held on long enough, it would work out. But once i realized what was really going on, it was far easier to give him the boot both from my life and from my mind.

[Success]

So sorry for your situation. I KNOW the feeling all too well!!!

 

Here's my story that will perhaps make you FEEL BETTER, if only for a little moment...

 

My ex dumped me Feb of this year (after 4yr relationship). It was a rollar-coaster 4yrs (I have a thread up if you want to read details). Well, 2 yrs ago we had a "breakup", at least according to her. Ironic that it was AFTER I just spent $2K for one of her home repairs. It was one of those where she went totally silent to my attempts at communication over nothing really major. This came out of left-field and I was stumped. I asked if she was seeing someone, what's going on, etc ... no reply, nothing, nada. So one day, on a special holiday (we're talking 2 weeks after the silence started), I couldn't take it anymore and went to her home hoping we could talk and figure out what's going on.

 

Sure enough, AS I AM WALKING UP THE PATIO TO HER FRONT DOOR, guess who comes out to walk the dog? You guessed it, my ex and her new rebound fling walking out the front door hand-in-hand with the dog. The look on their faces when they saw me, especially hers, was complete and utter shock. Time frooze. We all stood still. It was evident I was upset, probably from the steam blowing out of my nostrils. The look on her face was that of anger and disgust, guess b/c I just "caught" her and she's the type that when she gets caught/exposed or proven wrong, doesn't apologize but rather gets very aggressive.

 

So guess what she did? She took him and THEY WALKED RIGHT PAST ME without saying a single word. I stood there, in shock. Not even a "Can we talk?" or a "Let me explain" or even a "What are you doing here?" Nothing, nada, zip!

 

They both walked a little down the street, I stood still almost paralyzed from the emotions. They stopped, she said something to him (probably telling him I'm the "crazy ex" she dropped), then they came back.

 

As they came up to me, I asked her how she could do such a thing and not even tell me. How could she lie to me, treat me in such a manner, did she not have any respect for me. You know what her response was? She said, "Are you here to trash my car? Vandalize my home? I'm going to get a restraining order on you you psycho!" Then she walked right past me with him and slammed the door on my face! She didn't even have the respect or notion to pull me aside and speak privately for a minute!

 

After that incident I did NC for a month and guess who came crying back. That short rebound/fling of hers lasted all of 3 weeks according to her. How ironic that in the 3 short weeks she was with him she got a commission out of him! Guess she degraded herself for the money. According to her, the rebound guy had "anger issues" and it ended badly btwn them. She promised she was done w/the fling and she'd never speak to him again due to "his major issues". STUPID FOOLISH ME, I fell for it and took her back.

 

Fast forward 2 yrs later to now, and guess what... she dumped me in Feb and is going thru a very desperate financial crisis now in which she cannot pay her major bills/debts (accruing BIG time). Her commission job (real estate) is going nowhere due to the market tanking, so she took a 2nd job in a pyramid scheme company. Want to know what I learned...

 

SHE MET UP WITH THAT REBOUND/FLING guy and is trying to recruit him into the pyramid!!!! They met up, had coffee, talked, etc and GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE SHE DID WITH HIM TO "ENTICE" HIM!!! This guy could probably smell the desperation from her a mile away and used her, just like the first time... only diff is this time her desperation is 10 times worse.

 

Soooooooooo... there you have my story. She's DEFINITELY got cluster B personality disorder, I learned that from this site thank goodness, which realistically she isn't going to change. She's only getting worse, not better.

 

This is the BEST thing that could have happened to you. That guy is going to hurt you bad IF YOU LET HIM. EMPOWER YOURSELF, move forward. I wish I never saw her with that guy, I hurt myself more in doing so. Don't make that mistake like me. He's testing the waters, you don't want to be 2nd choice!

[Silverbirch]

Thank you everyone. You all do really make me feel NOT ALONE. I appreciate the time and sharing of your experiences you have given.

 

Success, my ex has major financial problems which he is unlikely to resolve in his lifetime and I had just thought he was depressed about this and other things.

 

He is a very materialistic person, but would never see himself as such. I would be 99.9% certain this woman would be worth more financially to him than I am when I think of other incidents which have transpired. His ex-wife had a lot of money and he got used to the lifestyle of living off it. He has never recovered from her leaving, not because he loved her, but because his financial situation changed so dramatically. She put him through university after they had 2 young children, she ran her own physiotherapy service from home, did everything from what other people tell me including mowing the grass. He tells everyone she left him because she is a lesbian - she bought a house with another woman and as far as people know has never had any involvement with men since him. He is so convincing and has so many people fooled. I won't remain one of them.

 

Used2behappy, I don't feel brave. I do feel very humiliated and hurt and angry with myself for having ever become involved with him and such an idiot.

[Eocsor]

No reason to feel humiliated or angry with yourself. You allowed yourself to have feelings for another human being and unfortunately you put your trust in the wrong person. It happens to most of us at one time or another. But you're a great person and you will find someone who will value you for you one day. This i can promise. You just have to get to that place. Best of luck with the journey.

[Silverbirch]

Thank you very much for your kindness.