Is my boyfriend abusive?

[vej]

A majority of the time we feel very in love and close to each other, but he gets angry easily and once he starts to get upset his anger escalates rapidly. He never tries to see my side of the argument, when I try to explain myself he usually says "I don't care" and turns away. He calls me names like moron, , stupid, retard, and once he even called me a "spineless The more he calls me these names the more I start to believe that I am all these things. When he gets really mad he pushes me, but not hard and it is pretty rare that he does this.

I still love him and so do my friends and family because he only treats me like this behind closed doors. When he's mean to me it makes me wonder where the man I fell in love with went, when we first started dating I couldn't have imagined him being this way. I've always been an independent young woman and never thought I would be someone who gets mistreated like this and deals with it. I never argue back to him because whatever I say is wrong and he doesn't want to listen to me. I feel like I'm starting to lose myself...

[kingofatlantis]

This is abusive in ever way get out before it escalates any further. This is toxic for you and you don't deserve an ounce of it. Arguing is normal but name calling isn't, that doesn't solve anything or get anything but anger accross. You deserve better

[lukeb]

Yes your boyfriend is abusive, you can stop wondering where the man you fell in love with went. If you are the independent young woman you say you are then it is time to step up. You have three choices. 1) keep doing what you are doing, and yes this is a conscious choice. 2) Stand up to him. 3) Leave him.

[reallytired]

He is an abuser, and a loser. dump him. run like hell. trust me on this...it only gets worse. u cant fix him, u cant love it out of him, he is damaged and will do the same to you if u let him. His love is NOT love. Dont give him a chance to fix things, dont give him a choice. as soon as he sees u gone he will be just fine and find someone else who will put up with his mistreatment. watch and see.

u can find an abusive * * * * * * * anywhere. this guy is NOT special, and is NOT going to change. u gotta get gone quick. (be safe...lots of these guys get pretty upset when their property walks out...another thing i know frm experience.)

someday( way sooner than u think!) u will b sooooo glad u did.

[Moontiger]

Yes, this is abuse. Please, RUN, this will NOT get better, you cannot help/fix him. Have you ever head of the Cycle of Abuse Wheel? Check it out: link removed

[sentencedtoagony]

Yes. He sounds like the guy my ex went back to. It's sad on many levels. Get out of it.

[yeawutever]

Dump the loser... no one deserves to be called names nor pushed, which btw is physical abuse. You doesn't have to slap or punch you to be considered abuse. Pushing is already crossing the line.

[catfeeder]

The question isn't whether he's an abusive jerk, he is. The question is why you'd stick around to tolerate him.

 

You can love whoever you want to, but some people are best loved from far away.

[cba321]

Wow... that's sounds like the situation that I am currently in. Almost every single one of your words makes me feel like we are living in the same circumstances.

 

I don't know what to do either. The worst part is that I know this is not right, and that I shouldn't be treated like this - but I am so confused all the time, because of the way that he talks to me and makes me thing that it's MY fault I get treated that way, MY fault that he acts like that. It's like I am lacking, and i know I am far from lacking!

 

Whenever he gets angry, he says things like: "I am too difficult to be around" or "I am too much work" or i am incompetent, useless, that if i want to do anything or need any help, i should do it myself and not put him out. When he is not angry, he says things to the opposite of that, how great I am and I well I do things that i take on.

 

As I am typing ... I am stunned that I would put up with something like this!

 

I should have left when I first saw the signs, but I kept telling myself that it wasn't what I thought. He has many good attributes but I think the negative characteristics are now significantly over weighing the positive in almost every aspect.

 

Have you made any changes vej? I'm just curious...

 

Best of luck

[LN1987]

I was stuck on this for ages too. What if you caused the argument by wanting to talk about something? My ex did all these things, called me horrid names, told me he didnt love me, smashed things in my room, spat on my floor (list could go on but I'll stop)

 

He would always wait for me to apologise the next day as it was me who pushed him to behave this way...

 

Is that his issue still? I am pretty confused by it all.

[abitbroken]

My ex was the "nicest guy in the world" to everyone else, but when we got home, or if it was just his family and us, he was very emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. The same guy who would pull my chair out at a restaurant for me to be seated, etc and take my hand to help me down stairs when I had spikey high heels on, etc., would be a monster at home. No one believed me for awhile except when friends started to get really close with us, and then they'd see it. But it took a long time to get into the inner circle where he didn't care about what people thought and would verbally jump on me. Since he was such a nice guy normally to them, they would think he wasn't feeling well that day or it was a freak occurrence.

[catfeeder]

[...] He would always wait for me to apologise the next day as it was me who pushed him to behave this way...

 

Is that his issue still? I am pretty confused by it all.

 

Of course that's his issue. Nobody can 'force' another to behave in any way, shape or form. We're each in charge of our own behavior, and we're each fully responsible for every single thing we do. That includes your ex. Just because his warped mind decided to blame you for his behavior, that doesn't make it so. In fact, the only way it becomes YOUR issue is if you decide to stick around for that.

 

Ask yourself whether you'd sit in a jury and decide that someone is 'not guilty' of murdering someone he claims 'pushed him' to do it. Would you put someone like that back out on the street to get 'pushed' to murder the next person?

[LN1987]

Of course. I just sometimes think things were my fault. I am an intelligent educated woman so it is hard to think I would let someone 'blame' me and accept it, but he would always say, 'anyone would react this way if they were here' or "you pushed me into a corner (not literally) whereby I couldn't react any other way." I just wish I could accept that his reactions WERE his own actions, not a reflection of my own?

[catfeeder]

[...] I just wish I could accept that his reactions WERE his own actions, not a reflection of my own?

 

If he were an infant, you'd have a point. He's a grown adult with a fully formed brain and a will of his own. Either you credit him with his own decision-making power, or you don't. If not, what would you want with him?

[dramallama]

I was stuck on this for ages too. What if you caused the argument by wanting to talk about something? My ex did all these things, called me horrid names, told me he didnt love me, smashed things in my room, spat on my floor (list could go on but I'll stop)

 

He would always wait for me to apologise the next day as it was me who pushed him to behave this way...

 

Is that his issue still? I am pretty confused by it all.

What sort of things did you want to talk about? Either way, that is terrible. Someone else on this forum said that first abusers break things, then they use words, and then they physically hurt you. That's not healthy. You deserve better.

[dramallama]

Of course. I just sometimes think things were my fault. I am an intelligent educated woman so it is hard to think I would let someone 'blame' me and accept it, but he would always say, 'anyone would react this way if they were here' or "you pushed me into a corner (not literally) whereby I couldn't react any other way." I just wish I could accept that his reactions WERE his own actions, not a reflection of my own?

You can't make someone accept that their behaviours were bad or their own choice if they don't want to take responsibility. You just can't. So the best thing to do is walk away because you can't make someone change if they don't think there is a problem.

 

Btw, a lot of professional, intellectual women are in abusive relationships too.

[LN1987]

Yes Drama I know they are ( I have actually done study on it) and I guess I just find it hard even though i can recognise his actions as abusive, to actually accept that what he did was wrong. What did I want to talk about? I guess he was cold and distant with me a lot, showed a lack of care and it bothered me, sometimes after a night out, it would all come out and he would snap. In his mind, the fact that I wanted to discuss something he failed or refused to address meant I was crazy and that his actions (verbal, emotional, physical) abuse was justified. he even sad once (albeit in a fit of rage) that "this is why men hit women"....

 

He never hit me (once on the leg after thrashing around on my bed) but the warning signs were there.

[waterlilly]

sadly, it builds over time. My ex also used they you have me cornered excuse. Please. I am little, he is much bigger and stronger than me. Sometimes he would just leave. But other times just blow up. It gets worse over time if they don't get anger management lessons.

[LN1987]

Thanks Waterlilly, I guess it is just trying to accept his role as well as mine. He is so nice to everyone else it sometimes confuses me.

[Panblanco]

yes , you are in one, i am telling you because i am a victim of an abusive relationship for 4 years , one month ago he left me and i hope he don't come back.

[Stay_home]

Before you can change your situation you have to first realize that you are being abused. By him putting his hands on you, that is abuse. Typically with abuse it starts small and than it escalates. Today it's a shake, tomorrow it's a punch and the day after it's a physical beating. These usually don't go over well and I would consider leaving before things get worse.

[Kim Hollerbach]

I know how she feels mine does the same thing. When I say something I'm trying to start an argument and he doesn't want to hear what I say cause I'm always wrong so he calls me the same names. My only probleme is I have a child with him and have no were too go live or way to take care of my child since I am a stay at home mother with no job or money. I have no way to get to places since I have no money and dont know how to drive.I feel stuck with no way out.

[mad rabbits]

Yes he is abusive and no, he will not change.

 

The only way he will change is if he acknowledges he is abusive, decides he wants to stop being abusive and goes through a perpetrator program.

 

He doesn't want to hear your side of things because he doesn't care. Abusive behaviour is mostly rooted in sexism. Abusers believe in the inferiority of women and that the role of women is to cater to the man, totally. Her needs, feelings and opinions are not important at all. He doesn't care about your feelings because to his mind you don't have any. You are not even a person in your own right. You are just an extension of him, if you will. If you are an independent woman I'm sure you find that distasteful.

 

You might be surprised but he doesn't have anger issues. Abusers abuse deliberately. They don't "lose control". They abuse to gain a feeling of power and superiority, and to secure their privileges in the relationship. It is reassuring to their sense of masculinity to have the woman "under the thumb". Maybe being aware that he is hurting you on purpose will make it easier for you to leave this relationship.

 

Read "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" - it will make his behaviour clear to you and what it's purpose is. Once you really understand what's going on, you will find it easy to leave him.

 

Also, Drama is right - he won't change as long as he thinks you are the problem, not him. This is how abusers think, by definition. He is owed by you, never the other way around. Keep that in mind when you try to explain your side and he silences you - either with his words or his physical aggression.

[Capricorn3]

Old thread and OP has never returned.