Marriage leading to a longer, happier life? Not so much.

[Blue Spiral]

I found this to be very interesting, as it shoots down a common assumption...

 

link removed

 

One of our longevity myths is "Get married, and you will live longer." The data tell a different story. Marriage was health-promoting primarily for men who were well-suited to marriage and had a good marriage. For the rest, there were all kinds of complications. For example, women who got divorced often thrived. Even women who were widowed often did exceptionally well. It often seemed as if women who got rid of their troublesome husbands stayed healthy—most women, it seemed, can rely on their friends and other social ties. Men who got and stayed divorced, on the other hand, were at really high risk for premature mortality. It would have been better had they not married at all.

[rocio]

I had no idea it was a common assumption that marriage leads to a longer, happier life. Is it?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I had no idea it was a common assumption that marriage leads to a longer, happier life. Is it?

 

Yes..all kinds of articles promote that notion.

[rocio]

Yes..all kinds of articles promote that notion.

 

Do you have any links? I hadn't heard such a thing.

[FarthestEdge]

I think it's all bollocks

 

Each person is an individual, and these statistics speak only of people who failed to make the right choices for themselves.

 

Listening to a statistic, ignoring your own gut and saying "Well they say that married people have better lives, so I should get married even if I think I'd be miserable, these scientists can't be wrong" is a really, really bad way to make major life decisions

 

Of course being married only works for men who are well-suited to marriage. It is only works out well for women who are well-suited to it too. That's just common sense.

 

Know thyself, and plan your life accordingly.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Do you have any links? I hadn't heard such a thing.

 

Nothing that comes immediately to mind.

[Blue Spiral]

Each person is an individual, and these statistics speak only of people who failed to make the right choices for themselves.

 

I agree with that to an extent...but if half of all planes crashed, I'd seriously reconsider flying anywhere, no matter how much of a special little snowflake I am.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think it's all bollocks

 

Each person is an individual, and these statistics speak only of people who failed to make the right choices for themselves.

 

Listening to a statistic, ignoring your own gut and saying "Well they say that married people have better lives, so I should get married even if I think I'd be miserable, these scientists can't be wrong" is a really, really bad way to make major life decisions

 

Of course being married only works for men who are well-suited to marriage. It is only works out well for women who are well-suited to it too. That's just common sense.

 

Know thyself, and plan your life accordingly.

 

I don't think that people who get married are really motivated by the articles that say married people live longer and are healthier. They are motivated by love or money or loneliness or status or wanting to start a family.

[FarthestEdge]

I agree with that to an extent...but if half of all planes crashed, I'd seriously reconsider flying anywhere, no matter how much of a special little snowflake I am.

 

I'd hardly equate divorce with plummeting from the sky to my inevitable death.

 

The choices one makes within their own relationships determine the outcome. These statistics do nothing to suggest that a failed marriage is inevitable, or beyond ones control. You get on a plane, and aside from the decision to actually board the plane, your safety and well being is completely dependant on the actions of others.

 

But in a marriage, as much as no one wants to admit it, we can control how we ACT and how we REACT to our partners. Does it put us in 100% control? No-but it certainly gives us a greater opportunity than surviving a plane ride....unless of course, you are the pilot....

 

No one wants to admit their part in their personal failures. So it's easy to look at stats and say "See? It's inevitable, the odds are against me." No, perhaps it was because you and/or your parther were a shrew, or a doormat, a cheater or a selfish person that your marriage failed?

 

I'm not a fatalist, I believe I have an incredible amount of control over the direction of my life. Therefore, I pay very little attention to statistics. They tell me a very little detail about a whole lot of peoples personal lives. I may take that information and ask myself- how can I use this data to improve my life? But it does not predict my personal outcomes.

[thejigsup]

It depends on the person. I need to be free so marriage is h*ll for me. Other people NEED to be part of a couple, so they thrive with marriage. It just depends on the person.

[FarthestEdge]

It depends on the person. I need to be free so marriage is h*ll for me. Other people NEED to be part of a couple, so they thrive with marriage. It just depends on the person.

 

And some of us, just feel that while we don't NEED a partner to be happy, our lives are greatly enhanced by having the right someone to share our journey with.

 

Honestly, NEEDING a partner in marriage puts you at a disadvantage and creates an imbalance in the relationship. IMHO, the best marriages exist when both partners don't NEED the other, but rather choose to rely on one another because in so doing, they improve each others life.

 

;D

[Seraphim]

I place ZERO stock in statistics when it comes to human nature. People are not numbers.

[lostnscared]

It depends on the person. I need to be free so marriage is h*ll for me. Other people NEED to be part of a couple, so they thrive with marriage. It just depends on the person.

 

I'm like you. I have no desire to ever get married, I'm happier doing my own thing, and see marriage as an oppressive, miserable trap created by society(IMO). I don't know one married couple--amongst those that I know--that is ACTUALLY happy--a lot seem to put on facade. I observe so many broken down marriages or individuals unhappy in their marriages--but staying regardless- its beyond belief. I've never believed marriage meant a long happy life. I don't believe in stats though either. I think marriage isnt for everyone, and for some it can be very pleasant, unfortunately I'm not one of those people(not yet anyway).

[FarthestEdge]

I'm like you. I have no desire to ever get married, I'm happier doing my own thing, and see marriage as an oppressive, miserable trap created by society(IMO). I don't know one married couple that is ACTUALLY happy--a lot seem to put on facade. I observe so many broken down marriages or individuals unhappy in their marriages--but staying regardless- its beyond belief. I've never believed marriage meant a long happy life.

 

How do you know they are putting on a facade?

 

If they SAY they are happy, and they APPEAR happy- who are you to say they are lying? Are you sure that's not your own negative bias towards marriage, and applying your own standards of if they have what YOU would want, instead of if they have what THEY want?

 

BTW- Hi- I'm FarthestEdge, and I am VERY happily married. It isn't perfect, I won't pretend it is. No one, married or single has a perfect life. But after 17 years of marriage, and almost 25 years together, I can say it's still working- and in a lot of ways, it's MORE than I dreamed it would be the day I said "I do".

 

There- now you 'know' someone. ;D

[Seraphim]

I know lots of happy marriages. I think a lot of people misinterpret happy to mean "perfect" where nothing ever goes wrong, where there is nary a harsh word or argument. There is no such thing.

[lostnscared]

How do you know they are putting on a facade?

 

If they SAY they are happy, and they APPEAR happy- who are you to say they are lying? Are you sure that's not your own negative bias towards marriage, and applying your own standards of if they have what YOU would want, instead of if they have what THEY want?

 

BTW- Hi- I'm FarthestEdge, and I am VERY happily married. It isn't perfect, I won't pretend it is. No one, married or single has a perfect life. But after 17 years of marriage, and almost 25 years together, I can say it's still working- and in a lot of ways, it's MORE than I dreamed it would be the day I said "I do".

 

There- now you 'know' someone. ;D

 

Because I personally know these couples and I'm aware of the issues going in their marriages. And even if I didn't, a couples body language, expressions and behaviors when their around their spouse, etc often depicts those very issues(that I'm being told about). Then I'll see other couples walking around mimicking those very same nonverbal, verbal, and facial expressions that those that I know of(marriages with serious issues and where both people are unhappy) wear, smiling nonetheless and it just seems surreal to me. As I said some people have pleasant marriages. But I don't think marriage is for everyone. I'm glad your marriage is working out though.

 

Issues to me isn't an argument or petty differences. I'm talking issues that probably indicate the marriage has run it's course, or that one or both people or unhappy unbalanced, or staying for the kids.

 

I don't think this is true for every marriage, and maybe some couples just have bad days and that is why they look miserable as h*ll. But I do know that when I'm by myself I have more happy days than miserable ones.

 

Also, in the circumstances I'm talking about, in terms of those that I know, the "issues" are VERY troublesome and that I know for a fact neither person is happy but stays regardless. It's not often that I meet a married couple that is very happy, but I know they exist because I've met them.

 

Also want to add that I do think marriage is great for those that are in happy marriages.

 

I don't think marriage is an awful thing, I think that it's people that can make it awful or great. So it's all about what you put into it. I do know that marriage is hard, and can be trying though. I think it's great that you and others find their marriages good. That's always nice to hear.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with you. While I have indeed seen happy marriages, I have seen more unhappy ones than happy ones. I have seen people who are just muddling through or where one partner is fine and the other is miserable. I have seen more unequal unions than equal ones. There always seems to be one partner who calls most of the shots and the other partner who does most of the caving in. The longevity of a marriage is not necessarily a good indicator of the happiness of the marriage. Nor is outer appearances as you can see couples who are all lovey dovey in public and the next minute you find out that they are divorcing and they had been miserable for years...or one person was miserable and the other person thought the marriage was solid and loving.

[velvette]

while it's true I've seen more miserable marriages than genuinely pleasant ones--in fact I don't ultimately KNOW a single working marriage in real life--I'm still all for it (personally. I wouldn't say "YOU" should get married). because like FarthestEdge said, I'm not a statistic. it's not like I think I'm some unique snowflake, but I get to be the pilot of this plane, and I can work on making it right, learning from mistakes I've seen.

 

really, 'statistically', I shouldn't be with my bf anymore. we met as teens, we were each others' first everything, moved in together immediately, come from different backgrounds, had to do long-distance every summer, in-laws can't communicate with each other, hold different citizenships, moved out after 3 years of living together, currently going through bad economy etc. there are so many sayings, like 'if you live together before marriage it'll be more likely to fail' and stuff like that, but those statistics don't and can't predict my own future.

 

hey who knows, maybe in a couple years I'm come bawwing about our breakup/loveless marriage. or maybe in a couple decades (and this is what I believe in!), I'll finally have, first-hand, an example of a happy marriage.

 

 

however, if you want to be single/never married, there's absolutely nothing with that either. being single is great, too. it all depends on the person. I know I'm fine being single, but since I loved and have been loved by another person, I feel it enriches my life. perhaps love isn't a priority for some, and that's perfectly fine.

[FarthestEdge]

Honestly, even if it DID come crashing down at some point, it's been a fun ride. I'd have no regrets about 'wasting the best years of my life", because a), they've not been wasted, and b) they HAVE been the best years.

 

As much as I am committed for life, I don't believe a relationship that ends is one that never should have begun. Life is a journey. Sometimes we travel alone, sometimes we travel with someone.

[Seraphim]

Honestly, even if it DID come crashing down at some point, it's been a fun ride. I'd have no regrets about 'wasting the best years of my life", because a), they've not been wasted, and b) they HAVE been the best years.

 

As much as I am committed for life, I don't believe a relationship that ends is one that never should have begun. Life is a journey. Sometimes we travel alone, sometimes we travel with someone.

 

Exactly,I would never consider it a waste. Is my son a waste?? NEVER. He provides immeasureable joy to me. He would not be him had his father not been who he is.

[Sparkly Eyes]

A lot of women want marriage because that is what society want them to go for...An older woman who is not married is labeled all kinds of things and she is forced to believe that there is something wrong with her. The same doesn't necessarily go for men, but there is a stigma against unmarried men too.

 

So yeah, one of the reasons unmarried people might not be as happy could be the fact that they are judged harshly, looked down upon and in general feel like outsiders.

[Blue Spiral]

I'd hardly equate divorce with plummeting from the sky to my inevitable death.

 

From what I've heard, the latter is relatively quick and only briefly painful, while the former is long and much more painful.

 

Seriously, I have no problem at all with your argument. I agree, people have problems because of their own actions...which, to me, is just another reason to put yourself in situations where those actions can't legally/financially harm you, since you're bound to screw up sooner or later.

[velvette]

that's a very pessimistic and self-defeating view. "don't try because you'll probably fail anyway"? I can understand not wanting to marry because romantic relationships just aren't a priority to you, but not wanting to marry for fear of failure... seems a bit sad, anyhow.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Are your parents divorced? What kind of family life have you had if you don't mind me asking?

[Blue Spiral]

My parents have been married for over forty years.

 

And I'm not saying "Don't try." I'm saying, "Don't try in a context that could possibly hurt you in non-emotional ways (finances, etc.) if it doesn't work out. You can try in a safer context."