What Does He Mean When He Asks The Price Of .....

[lerira]

My inferences in this particular matter are flawless. You have stated that your boyfriend pays for everything because your financial situation is poor. You also have willingly shared that a typical article of clothing is around $100, and that you buy expensive makeup products. These things do not add up."

 

I don't think I have written here that I buy expensive make-up products. And if I do occassionally, it's because I want to. Shoot me. Ha!

 

Jeez.

[lerira]

My inferences in this particular matter are flawless. You have stated that your boyfriend pays for everything because your financial situation is poor. You also have willingly shared that a typical article of clothing is around $100, and that you buy expensive makeup products. These things do not add up.

 

 

Your question was "why does he ask me the price of things?" followed by "and then not buy them for me?"

 

Most people on this thread have tried and failed to explain that expecting expensive gifts is wrong, and that there is something strange about your behavior. You are the only person who doesn't see the problem.

 

I don't think he asks you the price to see if he can afford to give it to you. I think he's thinking, "geez, maybe she doesn't notice where all her money goes.."

 

Also, if you had read the thread more thoroughly, you wouldn't be bashing me so wholeheartedly. My boyfriend has willingly made the statement, "Then we'll go to the mall and get you those things."

 

No, I did not ask him to get me those things. He asked the price of them while I was putting on my clothes. Jee! What a crime I committed!

[generaldiscord]

Also, if you had read the thread more thoroughly, you wouldn't be bashing me so wholeheartedly. My boyfriend has willingly made the statement, "Then we'll go to the mall and get you those things."

 

No, I did not ask him to get me those things. He asked the price of them while I was putting on my clothes. Jee! What a crime I committed!

 

oh, now I see where you derived that... you are ticked off with me and projecting a bit. Sure, you're not committing a crime, but apparently you think it's rude of your boyfriend to not buy you lots of stuff because you know he has money. I think it's rude of you to expect that. No crimes commited.

[lerira]

oh, now I see where you derived that... you are ticked off with me and projecting a bit. Sure, you're not committing a crime, but apparently you think it's rude of your boyfriend to not buy you lots of stuff because you know he has money. I think it's rude of you to expect that. No crimes commited.

 

No! It has nothing to do with that!

 

All of this lies in his promise towards me-"We'll go to the mall later on and get you those things."

 

And then throwing $$$ into thin air. That's all.

 

He, let me say it again, HE, made those implied promises to me, not me. And it's not the first time either. AND, if you've read my Part II thread, you'd know that he already said, "I'd buy you things left to right, but I have to stop myself."

 

Sigh. Even if he did offer to buy me things, I wouldn't accept so easily. I have denied him in the past. Calm down.

[FarthestEdge]

No! It has nothing to do with that!

 

All of this lies in his promise towards me-"We'll go to the mall later on and get you those things."

 

And then throwing $$$ into thin air. That's all.

 

He, let me say it again, HE, made those implied promises to me, not me. And it's not the first time either. AND, if you've read my Part II thread, you'd know that he already said, "I'd buy you things left to right, but I have to stop myself."

 

Sigh. Even if he did offer to buy me things, I wouldn't accept so easily. I have denied him in the past. Calm down.

 

"Lies" is a bit harsh, don't you think? Perhaps he legitimately meant it until he lost $1500 of HIS money doing something HE enjoyed doing with HIS money. Perhaps then he had to reconsider his discretionary purchases for awhile.

 

A considerate gf, would shrug such a thing off...after all, it's only some stuff, and if she really NEEDS it, she can buy it herself.

 

Gifts are discretionary- even if you are made aware beforehand of ones intent to GIVE you GIFTS, they are under no obligation to follow through. One should ALWAYS be gracious about accepting gifts for ANY reason, including NEVER insinuating a RIGHT to said gifts.

 

Instead, you call him a liar, and accuse him of 'wasting' his money on himself, so he can't waste it on you.

 

And you don't understand why people are put off? He earned his money. You are not married, you don't share a mortgage. If he wants to give every cent to Save the Children, Harrods Casino, or some bum on the street- it has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with you. And a gift is not a gift, until it is given to you.

 

You have no right to it, and therefore no right to be annoyed at not getting it in the first place.

 

Let me ask you this? How do you react when he makes these 'promises'? Has it occurred to you that maybe he's telling you what he thinks you want to hear? And if that rings any bells, ask yourself, "Why does he think that's what I want to hear?"

 

Think about it.

[Miss Firecracker]

How could anyone know why he asks you the price of things? This is such a simple matter that I can't understand why you didn't just ask HIM. If you can't communicate, that's a serious problem.

[lerira]

I'd rather he throw that $1,500 on charity than thin air. So, in a sense, it does piss me off. But hey, everyone with his/her own ideals, values, and morals.

 

As far as how I 'react' when he makes these promises, well, I don't expect much and in the past when he has offered to buy me things, I have declined. Just the mere offer suffices.

 

Oh, and as far as the 'not married, don't share a mortgage', I am pretty sure if I had included in my thread that we are married, people would still give me similar responses.

 

MOREOVER, marriage and mortgage doesn't mean much either. Since when marriage grants equal sharing of one's money? Forget the laws. It still doesn't grand anyone sharing of money.

[Batya33]

Why do you expect him to offer to buy you gifts other than on special occasions? How often do you offer to buy him gifts?

[FarthestEdge]

I'd rather he throw that $1,500 on charity than thin air. So, in a sense, it does piss me off. But hey, everyone with his/her own ideals, values, and morals.

 

As far as how I 'react' when he makes these promises, well, I don't expect much and in the past when he has offered to buy me things, I have declined. Just the mere offer suffices.

 

Oh, and as far as the 'not married, don't share a mortgage', I am pretty sure if I had included in my thread that we are married, people would still give me similar responses.

 

MOREOVER, marriage and mortgage doesn't mean much either. Since when marriage grants equal sharing of one's money? Forget the laws. It still doesn't grand anyone sharing of money.

 

Well, I'd rather give it to charity too, but it isn't my money is it? That's my point, it isn't your decision to make

 

But, I misread your post, so I will apologise, you didn't say he lies, you said the issue lies in the broken promises. So I am sorry I misinterpreted your comments as calling him a "liar" outright. You just said he didn't keep his promise to buy you stuff.

 

Now, while some marriages do keep all their money separate, many don't. In my case, my husband and I share all our assets and liablilities. Both of us contribute our earnings to the household we share. So if he was spending OUR money, and missing OUR mortgage payments, thus damaging OUR credit rating, and risking foreclosure on OUR home, or preventing us from having money we need to clothe OUR children, then yes, I would have a right to speak up. But that's the way my 17 year marriage operates by our mutual agreement. When you are married, cohabitating and/or owning joint real estate and the liabilites that come with it, you and your future life partner are free to handle that however you choose. But thanks for the lesson in marriage! Who knew I've been doing it wrong all this time! lol

[DN]

One way to get him to buy you things is to buy him things.

 

Just sayin'.

[rocio]

Oh Lerira, I keep reading your posts on here and feeling so bad for you. Your way of thinking just isn't going to mesh with the general ENA principles. I'm not saying either one is right or wrong but ENA tends to be based on modern principles of equality and independence. It seems like you've maybe been raiesd in a more traditional environment. Posting on ENA is going to be an uphill battle for you and I doubt you'll find many posts that support your point of view.

[DN]

Oh Lerira, I keep reading your posts on here and feeling so bad for you. Your way of thinking just isn't going to mesh with the general ENA principles. I'm not saying either one is right or wrong but ENA tends to be based on modern principles of equality and independence. It seems like you've maybe been raiesd in a more traditional environment. Posting on ENA is going to be an uphill battle for you and I doubt you'll find many posts that support your point of view.

It doesn't mesh with general principles of fairness either.

[dramallama]

Ok, I think people here are being a bit harsh on lerira.

 

But lerira, would you mind clarifying your exact dilemma here? I'm a bit confused...

[lerira]

It doesn't mesh with general principles of fairness either.

 

Why does everything have to be fair in love and relationships? This doesn't make any sense because no matter how fair you'll try, it just won't happen!

 

You want to be fair? Fine! Be fair....when both of you having sex for 50 minutes, make sure you get in 50 minutes next time! Because if it's beyond 50 minutes, oops! Unfair!

 

Split the check, 50/50, at ALL times.

 

You have to make sure everything is FAIR, otherwise, oops! Where's the love? Love is fair.

 

 

That's ridiculous! That's why people on ENA spend so much darn time on ENA- what's fair, what's not, what's fair, that's not fair, this isn't fair, etc.

 

I'm not saying I'm any better but upholding this 'fairness principle' is detrimental to relationships too. Go ahead DN- focus on fairness and we'll see how ridiculous and far it'll get in your relationships.

 

If you truly love the person, you'll want to spend the money on a gift, a date, etc.. You'll want to drive 5 times in a row, whether it's 5 minutes away or 2 hours away. Because you like the person, you love the person, you want to be with the person.

 

Focusing on fairness will eventually ruin your relationship and take out of the enjoyment.

 

I used to drive to a guy's house for 1 1/2 to see him. I didn't have a problem with it. He did- it wasn't fair! He's even say it, "It isn't fair to you that you are driving so often to see me." Well, I wanted to and didn't see a problem with it.

 

But he focused so much on being fair, it drove me nuts. And I broke up with him. The end.

[DrKitten]

Go ahead DN- focus on fairness and we'll see how ridiculous and far it'll get in your relationships.

 

DN has been married for 30+ years. I think he knows what he's talking about.

[lerira]

DN has been married for 30+ years. I think he knows what he's talking about.

 

It's HIS opinion. Do you NOT realize that even with the longest 'experience', people still make mistakes? Meaning, the advice he may offer me might in fact be detrimental? And I don't mean in reference to this thread. I mean, in other areas of my life. Jeez.

[lerira]

DN has been married for 30+ years. I think he knows what he's talking about.

 

Oh, I took that idea from a psychology professor of mine. He's been a therapist for more than 30 years. I'm sorry, I'll take my professor's opinion and advice any day over DN's.

[DN]

Why does everything have to be fair in love and relationships? This doesn't make any sense because no matter how fair you'll try, it just won't happen!

Hmmm. Interesting. Your college professor told you this?

 

I think you should ask for your money back.

[lerira]

Hmmm. Interesting. Your college professor told you this?

 

I think you should ask for your money back.

 

If you love somebody, you will not focus on fairness as the end of it all. You'll want to give to the one you love because you love him or her.

 

For the information, this professor has very good credentials. On top of that, he's such an understanding therapist- I was amazed myself at his 'skills' in ACCEPTING people and their flaws and LOVING them in that moment, as imperfect as it was.

 

So no, I won't ask for my money back. I've learned a great deal in his 2 classes. His lectures were unlike any other- it was almost like a therapy session.

[FarthestEdge]

It's HIS opinion. Do you NOT realize that even with the longest 'experience', people still make mistakes? Meaning, the advice he may offer me might in fact be detrimental? And I don't mean in reference to this thread. I mean, in other areas of my life. Jeez.

 

Lerira

 

Yes, we make mistakes. But we've actually put in the TIME to make those mistakes, learn from them and move on. We've also had successes or we wouldn't BE married for 15-25-30 years. We've also been witness to countless marital implosions, and have seen the long-term effects of how people treat their partners.

 

You are free to pursue whatever path you choose, but you can't even pretend to have more experience. So you'll have to excuse us for chuckling a little when someone who wasn't even a twinkle in her daddy's eye yet when we met the partners we have now spent a lifetime with, and happily, I might add, is telling us that we don't know anything about how relationships really work, and that our approach is wrong, and won't get us anywhere.

 

I've seen what happens to the princesses who EXPECT to be have their partners love "proved" to them by spending money on them, doing whatever the pretty little thing wants, and generally 'worshipping' them and not expecting them to contribute.

 

I'd tell you, but you wouldn't believe me anyway. What I will tell you is it seldom, if ever ends "Happily Ever After"

[lerira]

Hmmm. Interesting. Your college professor told you this?

 

I think you should ask for your money back.

 

The problem with ENAers- and it's totally acceptable- is that they come off as judgmental. I do something out of the 'fairness book' and I get bashed for it.

 

A good therapist will accept the person the way he or she is. That's hard to do.

[DN]

If you love somebody, you will not focus on fairness as the end of it all. You'll want to give to the one you love because you love him or her.

 

For the information, this professor has very good credentials. On top of that, he's such an understanding therapist- I was amazed myself at his 'skills' in ACCEPTING people and their flaws and LOVING them in that moment, as imperfect as it was.

 

So no, I won't ask for my money back. I've learned a great deal in his 2 classes. His lectures were unlike any other- it was almost like a therapy session.

OK - well good luck with the theory. I hope you will find a man who agrees with it. Of course, I suppose much depends on whom the unfairness lies the most.

[lerira]

I NEVER wrote that. Ever. I simply said it's HIS opinion. I NEVER said DN didn't know anything about how relationships really work, etc. But what works for him doesn't mean it'll work for another person or couple.

[lerira]

OK - well good luck with the theory. I hope you will find a man who agrees with it. Of course, I suppose much depends on whom the unfairness lies the most.

 

Do you have a PhD in psychology? And 30+ years experience as a therapist in more than 10 therapeutic techniques? NO. Have you treated thousands upon hundreds of couples? No.

 

I'm not saying your opinion doesn't hold truth to it. To a degree and extend, yes. But it's not the whole absolute truth as YOU'D like it to be.

[lerira]

OK - well good luck with the theory. I hope you will find a man who agrees with it. Of course, I suppose much depends on whom the unfairness lies the most.

 

Moreover, people can be married for 30 years and still have a crappy relationship.