What Does He Mean When He Asks The Price Of .....

[FarthestEdge]

I NEVER wrote that. Ever. I simply said it's HIS opinion. I NEVER said DN didn't know anything about how relationships really work, .

 

MOREOVER, marriage and mortgage doesn't mean much either. Since when marriage grants equal sharing of one's money? Forget the laws. It still doesn't grand anyone sharing of money.

 

. Go ahead DN- focus on fairness and we'll see how ridiculous and far it'll get in your relationships.

 

.

 

Certainly sounds like you think you know better......

[DN]

Lerira, this is a bootless discussion. if you want to be unfair in your future relationships then you go right ahead. I hope it works for you.

[lerira]

Lerira, this is a bootless discussion. if you want to be unfair in your future relationships then you go right ahead. I hope it works for you.

 

So to you, fairness is by all means rooted in money.

 

Maybe I give massages to my SO on a frequent basis, do his laundry, clean his car, cook him dinner? And he does NOTHING of that sort for me?

 

Fairness, right?

[lerira]

Lerira, this is a bootless discussion. if you want to be unfair in your future relationships then you go right ahead. I hope it works for you.

 

DN, this is a bootless discussion. If you want to be focused on fairness in your relationship and miss out on all the actual love and special moments because you're too busy focusing on fairness, go ahead. Miss those special moments and connection.

[FarthestEdge]

My Grandpa used to have a plaque hanging in his home office...it said:

 

"Don't confuse me with facts, my mind is already made up"....

 

Just sayin'...

[DN]

DN, this is a bootless discussion. If you want to be focused on fairness in your relationship and miss out on all the actual love and special moments because you're too busy focusing on fairness, go ahead. Miss those special moments and connection.

Oh, we're doing just fine thanks. LOL

[Miss Firecracker]

I think fairness is pretty special.

[Miss Firecracker]

The problem with ENAers- and it's totally acceptable- is that they come off as judgmental. I do something out of the 'fairness book' and I get bashed for it.

 

A good therapist will accept the person the way he or she is. That's hard to do.

 

They get paid to accept you.

[Batya33]

I think you're confusing fairness with equality. Fairness is a sense that you both are getting what you need out of the relationship in a balanced way -it feels fair. It might be unequal especially to an outsider - there are split it all down the middle couples and couples who like to keep score because that feels fair and others who want nothing to do with that and everything in between - as long as it works for them and feels fair and right that seems pretty healthy to me. In your case it sounds like you feel entitled to things you are not willing to give and it sounds like he is at best confused about your expectations -the communication between you two is unclear and that can become a larger issue.

 

If I didn't feel my relationship was fair I'd miss out on the love and special moments you describe.

[DN]

A good therapist will accept the person the way he or she is. That's hard to do.

Actually that is not what therapy is about. Therapy is about helping people be mentally and physically healthy and very often that means change. It is not the therapists job to either accept or reject but to assist and that is not the same thing.

[FarthestEdge]

Right- For DH and I, it's not 50/50, it never has been. I have made more money than he has for most of our marriage (although the gap is narrowing dramatically), and we have both 'supported' the other at various times. It's not all about money, not by a long shot.

 

We both contribute to the family and the home to the best of our individual abilities. Not just in $$, but in all the non-monetary ways. We both try to do for the other, what we think the other would appreciate...We don't always get this part right, but the intent is there as is good communication.

 

We give because we WANT to give. We don't keep score, and we don't 'expect'.

[DN]

There have been times during our marriage where one of us has made more than the other or been the sole breadwinner through periods of unemployment or just after our chidren were born. They key to a good marriage is balance and unless you have that the marriage will be unstable. It is true that money isn't the sole factor in determining balance but if the relationship starts out that way then it is very difficult to get things back where they should be.

[FarthestEdge]

There have been times during our marriage where one of us has made more than the other or been the sole breadwinner through periods of unemployment or just after our chidren were born. They key to a good marriage is balance and unless you have that the marriage will be unstable. It is true that money isn't the sole factor in determining balance but if the relationship starts out that way then it is very difficult to get things back where they should be.

 

I agree. DH and I have always taken the view that, it doesn't matter who makes the most money, as long as we both work to make the most of what we do have, to ensure that it is enough for us.

[rocio]

So to you, fairness is by all means rooted in money.

 

Maybe I give massages to my SO on a frequent basis, do his laundry, clean his car, cook him dinner? And he does NOTHING of that sort for me?

 

Fairness, right?

 

I think this is important. All that matters to your relationship, lerira, is what you and your boyfriend decide works for you.

 

I know I wouldn't feel comfortable in a relationship where my boyfriend or husband expected me to prove my love to him by doing his laundry and cooking for him. Thus, I wouldn't expect him to prove his love for me by buying me things.

 

Still, I do laundry and cooking and he does buy me nice things. But those are not the terms upon which our marriage is built. Nor would I want them to be.

 

When your boyfriend is out making that money that he so kindly spends on you, he's also getting education and experience, making a name for himself, deriving fulfillment from a meaningful career. And while you're doing his laundry, all you're getting out of it is fresh smelling socks.

 

I dunno, that's just my opinion. I think you're getting the short end of the stick. You think you're getting a sweet deal, but then at the end of the day all that matters is what you want out of life. If this relationship works for you, then you shouldn't have to defend it to others.

[generaldiscord]

I find myself agreeing with Batya. What is good in theory is often not good in practice. Utopia, distopia, it all ends up the same. I think we should strive towards finding a situation which makes us the most happy. What happens financially is not that important (it is a bit, but not as important as, say, being satisfied emotionally) in the long run. To be so idealistically minded that you can't tolerate that maybe someone thought they were invited when they weren't is silly, and fortunatily you are lucky to have found love... but why preach that men who tolerate neglegable ammounts of financial unfairness in the beginning are furthering social injustice? Or, the complement, that men who stoically stand up for themselves and split the bill right down the middle are heros of gender equality? Neither of these are completely true, and that's where the argument gets a bit rotton in my opinion.

[lerira]

They get paid to accept you.

 

There are crappy therapists, there are very good therapists. Apparently, payment doesn't guarantee which therapist you get. Also, there's a difference between a loving acceptance vs. a forced 'payment' acceptance.

[lerira]

Well, looks like you've insulted pretty much ALL stay at home mothers. You did. You rightfully slapped them in the face full force. So they're getting a pair of clean socks but the career-oriented husband is getting an education and fulfillment. Yep.

 

Oh, and I do have an education. We're both equally educated. And I'll be attending grad school this upcoming fall. So thanks, yeah.

[rocio]

I in no way insulted stay at home mothers. I am a mother myself and would love to be able to stay home.

 

It would also be different if you were married. In that case, should anything happen to the relationship, you wouldn't walk away empty handed.

 

You're a smart girl with a good degree (yes, I was aware that you had a science degree) but I can't help sensing that you're selling yourself short. You're living with your parents, trying to get a job as a cocktail waitress, spending your time pondering how impossibly good looking you are, and obsessing over using your charms to get your boyfriend to buy you things. You're young and you're at the stage in your life where you need to be focusing on building your future and becoming great on your own terms, not spinning your wheels trying to bargain free dresses.

 

You have expressed concern that people won't take you seriously. I think that's a legitimate concern.

[Batya33]

Agree with this and full time moms don't do what they do so that their spouses have fresh smelling socks - my focus is raising and caring for my young child so that I can be intimately involved in his development. I do laundry as well but if I asked my husband to do his own laundry he would or he would agree to hire someone to do it. What she wrote had nothing to do with the work that full time moms do. Nothing wrong with a woman choosing to take care of the home rather than working outside the home but that's a differerent job than full time mom. And I would never suggest that a woman do that and give up career options for a boyfriend she's not engaged to and doesn't live with at the very least (that is if my advice was asked for).