Question for step parents without their own kids

[Kalika]

I live with my boyfriend and my son (7) from a previous relationship. My boyfriend has no kids of his own. We have been living together for 8 months now.

 

My boyfriend seems a bit distant with my son sometimes. He is very nice to him and helps take care of him, and he is considerate of his feelings, but he doesn't often say "I love you" to him, and I notice that he withdraws sometimes when my son is around, whereas with me he is always telling me how much he loves me. I think he likes him well enough but I don't think he really genuinely loves him. Sometimes we will all cuddle together or something but I can still see him not really connecting emotionally with my son all that much.

 

So, we had a talk about it a while ago, and my boyfriend told me that he loves my son but never will love him the way he loves me - or, I should say, it sounded like my boyfriend was saying he will never love him to the EXTENT that he loves me because really he's in the relationship for ME, not my son. It really made me sad to hear him say that. But he does say that having my son care about him is a bonus.

 

He also went on to say that the truth is, and I may not want to hear it, but no one will love my son that way - whether it's him or another guy I'm dating. He did not say this in a cruel way, but in context, he was saying that if I want to leave him and if I think there's someone out there that will love US more, then I should do that - but he honestly just didn't think that any other guys would genuinely love my son as if he were their own child, or to the extent that I love him, and he thinks our relationship is so good that he didn't want to see me leave him for that reason and end up in a worse relationship.

 

My boyfriend also asked me how I feel would feel in his shoes: My ex is very involved (picks up my son every weekend) and my boyfriend asked me, if he had a child with an ex that was in the picture, would I love that child? I don't even know how to answer that question because I cannot answer whether or not I would hypothetically love a person who doesn't exist.

 

I don't want to believe that no partner would love my child as if he were his own, but part of me does believe that. That's why I stayed with my ex, my son's dad, for so long - because I thought that it was best for my son to have the two people who love him the most together in one household. Our relationship wasn't good at all though.

 

Is my boyfriend right?? I really want to hear from those with step parents or those who ARE step parents that don't have kids of their own ...

 

Thanks for your help

[Moontiger]

My mother had my two oldest siblings in a marriage that ended in divorce. When they were about 7 and 5 years old she meet that man who she would later marry and who she had myself and my sister with. My father loves all of us equally and has a very special relationship with my oldest sister who he has made the executor of his will whenever he should pass on.

 

However, the two oldest siblings father was not very involved. My father actually had to pay for him to come and visit the them. It is possible to find a man who will love your child but it is rare and difficult to find.

[jonesyjakk]

My mum was married and had 4 kids with a guy, then he ran off with her best mate, then she met my dad and had me, my dad loves my brothers and sisters like they are his own kids, they have never called him dad, but always say he is more of a father to them than their own dad and will always remember that.

 

My dad would die before anything bad ever happened to them, and thats how he likes it. as for me, i have a son, my ex left me for another guy, im battling my emotions at the moment between saying i never want to see my ex again and also i want now to be her friend, unfortunately for me i think i will eventualy forgive my ex for what she has done and i was thinking to myself earlier if she has kids with this guy and i take my son out, i probably would take this guys kids too, i also believe if i met the right woman and she had kids, i do genuinely think i could come to love them as my own over time.

 

Thats just me though and the up bringing and experiences i have had but every guy is different.

 

 

Jonesy

[annie24]

I notice that he withdraws sometimes when my son is around, whereas with me he is always telling me how much he loves me.

 

is it possible that he doesn't want to make your son feel uncomfortable with these sorts of 'public displays of affection/love?'

do you think he could grow to really love your child over time? it's only been 8 months - how long have you been living together? i don't think this kind of love springs up overnight.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Your boyfriend clearly loves you and is helping out with your son. However, this son is not his and there is a natural father in the picture. Yes. some men and women can love a child that is not theirs...but not everyone is built that way. I have no interest in dating men with children, but if I did end up in a relationship with a man who had children, I could not love them as a mother would love her natural children. I could be there for them, help them out, be a good role model and bond with them to a certain degree..but I could never feel comfortable with them as if they were my own children because they wouldn't be my own. That's just the way it is. You can't force someone to feel the same connection to your children that you feel. Sure you might find someone who does...I don't think your boyfriend can say with certainty that you never would....but you can't just go to the store and pick one up...it is a process and you won't know until time passes whether any guy is bonding deeply with your son. You have a guy who is taking on the responsibility of your son and not just ignoring him. That is a plus. He is good with your son and he is good with you...I would say that is worth staying for.

[Seraphim]

I have had 2 step fathers. One when I was a child and one as an adult. Both loved me and my brother very much and our present step father still does. He treats us exactly like his own children and loves us like his own children.He treats our children exactly the same as his own blood grandchildren. He is the best grandfather my son could ever have. My step dads were everything my own father could not be.

[Kalika]

Thanks for your responses so far, everyone. I really appreciate it.

 

I'm glad to hear from people who've had step parents that really loved them .. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if will change.

 

do you think he could grow to really love your child over time? it's only been 8 months - how long have you been living together? i don't think this kind of love springs up overnight.

To answer your question Annie - we have been living together for 8 months .. I don't know if it hasn't been enough time or if he just never will love him. I have no idea and I don't know how long to wait around to find out.

 

CAD hit the nail on the head also:

 

You have a guy who is taking on the responsibility of your son and not just ignoring him. That is a plus. He is good with your son and he is good with you...I would say that is worth staying for.

CAD, I am glad for your opinion, because that's where my dilemma is. Your post was really well thought out. I have really wondered whether this is "good enough for now" is worth staying for, or whether I should try to seek out something "better" (if that even exists ... who knows).

 

Sometimes I think like you said - he's good to my son, nice to him, cares about him well enough .. so I think I should stick it out and see how it goes .. but on the other hand, his own words indicate that it will never change, and I don't know if I am just expecting too much from him??

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You are expecting emotions from him that are just not within him to give. Your son is 7 years old and often the solid bonding between parent and child happens between birth and 5 years old. Some people have it in them to feel for a child who is not their own, the same as if the child was their own. Some people will never ever feel that way. However, that doesn't mean the person will not be good for the child. Many step parents, while not having the solid loving bond, are still amazing step parents because they have a natural empathy and compassion towards people in general. Many natural parents don't even form the loving bond with their child..so if some parents can't do it with their own children, it is certainly not a given that a step parent can. If there is respect, empathy, compassion and a general good will to do whatever he can then I think that is something worth hanging on to.

[nutbrownhare]

You don't say WHY your boyfriend doesn't have children of his own, and this may have some bearing on how he bonds or otherwise with your son. Some guys really love kids, period, and would probably bond with a toddler belonging to someone sitting on the next table to them in a cafe (I have a friend like this); on the other hand, if your boyfriend either doesn't want kids of his own, or not for the foreseeable future, and they haven't really featured in his plans, then he's going to take longer to adjust.

 

I've twice been in relationships where the guy has a child from a former marriage; I've never wanted kids myself, but I'm a very experienced big sister and have no difficulty relating to children, playing with them, showing them how to do things, spending quality time with them and all that. I get very fond of them. But I don't think I could ever love them the way a mother would - it's just not in my nature and I wouldn't like to pretend it was. Also, if the natural parent is still in the picture, I'm not sure it's always appropriate to try and replace them in that way.

 

A partner of mine was deeply hurt when his daughter referred to her mother's current fella as her 'other daddy', for example.

 

Also, as regards the physical affection and so on - it's not necessarily appropriate for a step parent to show a high level of affection for a slightly older child that isn't their own. Given that child sexual abuse is such a sensitive issue these days, I can understand a step parent being a little wary of physical contact that might possibly be misconstrued - and this is particularly difficult for men.

 

In answer to your question, though, when your boyfriend says that he couldn't love your son as his own - you've only been living together for eight months. Really not very long at all. That's clearly the way things are at the moment, but one thing you can say for certain is that relationships will change. My guess is that the bond will deepen with time, even if his feelings aren't quite what you hoped right now.

 

If you're happy in the relationship yourself, and feel confident that your partner has your son's best interests at heart, stick with it. Otherwise you risk really damaging both yourself and him, as you search for the elusive partner who will love him 'as their own'.

[hear_her_roar]

If he doesn't have kids, he might not be used to kids period.

 

He's clearly making an effort with your son... but I think it's normal for some people to take a while to warm up to a kid that's not theirs, especially when they aren't particularly paternal or maternal.

 

And I expect that it takes a lot less time to fall in love with a person you're romantically involved with than it does to feel parental towards a child.

 

My stepdad had two adult daughters when he started dating my mum, and seemed to take both of us into his life at the same time. While I consider him to be my dad now, it did take a long time for us to develop that kind of parent-child relationship -- and I'm talking like five years into their marriage. Don't get me wrong, we were very close before, but it was more like an uncle/neice or whatever kind of thing. He didn't become "dad" to me until way after he became "husband" to my mum.

 

Also, some people can be really affectionate as a lover but not affectionate as a parent.

 

I don't have kids, but from what my mum has said it's very natural to want your partner to think your kid is as awesome as you do, and love it as much as you do. I mean, your son is the most important person in your world, so of course you'll want your boyfriend to feel the same way about him. I'm not saying that it won't happen, but if it does it could take a very long time.

 

As long as you, your kid, and your partner are all happy, just keep going and see how things turn out. Your kid already has a dad, he doesn't need another one... but he might need a fun, caring "mum's boyfriend".

[Guy Gould]

I realize that this post is amazingly old but I stumbled on it and, being the step-dad with no children of my own, I will share what I know. It's probably not going to be a help. I don't feel an attachment to my step-sons and it's because there is no reciprocity. To them, I am just a guy that lived in their house. They are grown and have their own families now. They stop by to see their mother and, as usual, I am just the guy that still lives with their mom. The step-grandchildren don't know anything other than they have more grandparents than they know what to do with. Having been a step-grandchild, I understand both sides of that coin. I'm here to tell you that it doesn't seem to change. I will always be the guy that lives in the house with mom or Grammy. She doesn't get it and I presume she never will. But, she'll keep forcing kids on me so that they have a father or grandfather figure in her household.