Betty79 Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 I know this is really silly of me but I get really jealous when this one girl posts on my boyfriends facebook wall. I asked him who she was today and he got really defensive straight away said it was just a friend and he's not going to stop talking to his friends etc, I didnt ask him to do that though. I just feel their conversations are a little flirty and I dont like it. Also their conversations imply that they obviously email each other outside of the fb wall too. Does anybody else feel like this? What is best to do about it? I know I have to be careful I dont want to drive him away but I cant help not liking other girls doing this? Link to comment
vilos Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 1)You've no right to get jealous or to overreact over girls posting on his FB. 2)Why is defensiveness his first reaction? Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 I've overcome jealousy by accepting my bf is with me. Not another girl. And if he had anything to hide he wouldnt be posting it all over facebook. Link to comment
Karma20 Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 You spoke to him and told him how you felt. You either trust him or you don't. If your gut is telling you that there is reason to be concerned then there probably is reason. Link to comment
Karma20 Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 I've overcome jealousy by accepting my bf is with me. Not another girl. And if he had anything to hide he wouldnt be posting it all over facebook. Not necessarily true. I don't mean to scare anyone but my friend was in the same situation and she found out he was cheating on her with the girl. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 ...Why are your feelings more important than his? Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 Its not healthy to assume that any girl your guy talks to on fb or in real life is someone hes going to cheat with etc. Generally, if someone was seeing someone else/cheating they wouldnt put it all over facebook and make it that obvious. It depends what you mean by 'flirty' i joke with my guy mates etc on facebook. You have to decide to trust the person your with, or not trust them, if you trust them you trust them until you have ACTUAL reason not too. Jealous is unhealthy and all consuming. Link to comment
ut804 Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 I was in that situation. in my situation, it was because my ex wasn't all that into me and he was looking for a way out. i confronted him, he denied flirting. there were other things wrong in the relationship though. after i confronted him again he finally ended the relationship with me. so I learned that just because a guy is with me doesn't mean that he is happy and wants to be with me. but that was just my situation. i would keep a close eye on it. and flirting with other people while in a relationship is wrong. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 I can see where you guys are coming from. But it depends whether it is ACTUALLY flirting, or just funny/stupid jokes/comments. I think if you worried all the time about all the girls your bf spoke too everyday/on fb you'd drive yourself nuts. Whats the harm in trusting someone? Generally. I would assume that a guy is with me cos he wants to be, and if he didnt, he'd end it. Link to comment
CorpseGrinder Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 You seem very clingy. Link to comment
misssmithviii Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 I can get the same way, in fact that's why my bf and I work so well together - we have the same expectations and boundaries. Our thing is, as long as there's no secrecy at all, we're fine. Hypothetically speaking, if he were to have borderline-flirtatious conversations with a girl, I'd tell him it bugs me and he'd stop, no questions at all. Same goes for me. A couple weeks ago, our mutual, male friend "C" and I were talking a lot and texting. He told me it was bugging him a little, so I showed him the texts (which were chalk-full of only car-talk) and he was fine. There's no issue at all because we're not defensive with one another. Questions are questions. Jealousy is whatever to us. If one of us is jealous it's not a big deal, we just fix it. Some people cannot have a relationship like this, but that's why it's important to find someone who AGREES and sees eye-to-eye on expectations. Ours is simply we have our own lives, but it's always connected to one another and available for the other to see, and nothing is more important than each others feelings. People criticize it, but it works wonders for us. I think his defensiveness could come from a number of things but mostly he's probably feeling like you might not totally approve of the way they talk to each other, but he doesn't want to cease talking to her. Regardless of what you say or feel. For him, he would do better with a girl who complements that lifestyle, for you, you'd do better with someone like my bf who wouldn't talk to somebody if it bugged you because ultimately you're more fun to talk to anyways. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 I was in that situation. in my situation, it was because my ex wasn't all that into me and he was looking for a way out. i confronted him, he denied flirting. there were other things wrong in the relationship though. after i confronted him again he finally ended the relationship with me. so I learned that just because a guy is with me doesn't mean that he is happy and wants to be with me. but that was just my situation. i would keep a close eye on it. and flirting with other people while in a relationship is wrong. I'm sure being nagged had absolutely nothing to do with his bailing. Link to comment
ut804 Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 I can see where you guys are coming from. But it depends whether it is ACTUALLY flirting, or just funny/stupid jokes/comments. I think if you worried all the time about all the girls your bf spoke too everyday/on fb you'd drive yourself nuts. Whats the harm in trusting someone? Generally. I would assume that a guy is with me cos he wants to be, and if he didnt, he'd end it. see i also believed that. but some men are cowards. they would rather act distant/ flirt with other girls, etc. instead of actually breaking up with the girl. my ex dated me for 4 months and the entire time he didn't like me, *I* had to end the relationship for him because he was too scared to. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 I wouldn't like it if my SO openly flirted with other women like that -I would find it inappropriate and disrespectful despite not being cheating. In general I value discretion in friendships and relationships and I would find that behavior indiscreet and immature. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 I also agree with the above. Every couple has to agree on what they are comfortable with etc. If my by had a conversation with a girl that was blatantly flirtacious and innapropriate I would call him out on it if i was worried. In a thread not long ago I got annoyed cos my bf called a girl 'love' and she fancies him. BUT I was being stupid, he calls lots of girls love, including his sister, and all his friends that are in relationships. I was just being immature and jealous and clingy. So I didnt raise the issue with him, and to be honest. Aside from that he has never been inappropriatley flirtacious with anyone I know of. So. It depends whether its justified annoyance or not. Its a tough one to call. Link to comment
ut804 Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 I'm sure being nagged had absolutely nothing to do with his bailing. I didnt nag him, i very nicely talked to him about it only once, in fact i should have been more assertive. Link to comment
vilos Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 When I'm serious about someone, I go out of my way in the beginning to show that I can be trusted. If I talk to other girls, then I tell my gf what we talk about. If other girls e-mail or IM me a lot, then I tell her what we discuss, however mundane. I like to maintain a level of trust where she knows that if she ever asked me to show her the e-mails/IMs, then I'd gladly do so, but she would never do that because she knows she can trust me. Hopefully, after the first weeks/months, all this is unnecessary because trust has been established. That said, my last gf had serious jealousy issues, despite all my efforts. So, it doesn't always work. I'm concerned that this guy's first reaction to your inquiry was defensiveness and not just, "Oh, that's Mary. I know her from blah blah blah." Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 I trusted my ex completely. He spoke of marriage, kids, and we were living together. I didn't have a facebook account. It turned out, the entire time we were going out, he had written to a bunch of girls all flirty, mildly inappropriate FB messages and emails. If he gave you no reason to mistrust him, then TRUST him. But there was no reason to jump all over you like that, unless he was hiding something. Now if you were really snotty when you asked him about it, sure, I'd be annoyed to. But if you politely were just curious, and hadn't brought up stuff like that before, beware! Now if his status is In a Relationship and connected to you, and you have pics all over the place of you two together...I wouldn't sweat over it too much, unless it turns into him hiding phone calls, meet-ups, etc...or if he's uber insecure deep down (they always need an ego stroke with or without you, and it should not be your problem). Link to comment
misssmithviii Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 ...Why are your feelings more important than his? I agree with the point that no one's feelings should be more important than the other. Hence my argument that compatibility, agreeing on expectations and boundaries is key. Everyone is different and everyone has a match. If you'd prefer a guy that doesn't have that many friend-girls, there's one out there. If you'd prefer a guy who doesn't get defensive and is instead more understanding and willing to hear you out and reason with you, there's one of those out there as well. You can't change him and you shouldn't. He wants to keep his life the way it is - your only question is if you're willing to drop the jealousy and remain with him, or break up and work on it yourself and perhaps find someone who doesn't push your buttons as much. Link to comment
aminaSa Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 I know I wouldn't like if my bf would openly flirt with other girls,it would bother me very much.You have the right to tell him that,and why is he getting defensive so fast? Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 I just find it fascinating that it's somehow implied that the second you agree to be with someone, you best not ever use your five-sense again. Monogamy really is mutually-agreed upon imprisonment. Link to comment
misssmithviii Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 That's how my bf was in the beginning - extremely understanding about building trust. After a couple months, I've grown to trust him more and more. Now, I don't mind if he talks to other girls occasionally because I know at any time I have the means to check (as I always have) but I don't need to. He works with all women, I don't even know these women, he doesn't have to tell me everything anymore because I've grown secure and it's actually helped me to trust more people in my life. I'm glad to hear there's other men in the world who are as understanding and sweet as my bf ^_^ very refreshing actually. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 I guess it's just different for me. I'm not going to control you, or put limitations on you. If you want to be with me, you'll be with me. If you don't want to be with me, then go with my blessings and hope for a happy future. I'm not going to beg someone to stay or trick them into staying or constantly pressure them to stay. How completely selfish and absurd. Link to comment
vilos Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 Can't be said enough that each case is different. Before anyone enters into a relationship, there needs to be an understanding of what's acceptable. That way there's no confusion when your man brings a 17-year-old Laotian home and you suddenly decide you're not OK with it. Link to comment
vilos Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 I guess it's just different for me. I'm not going to control you, or put limitations on you. If you want to be with me, you'll be with me. If you don't want to be, then go. I'm not going to beg someone to stay or trick them into staying or constantly pressure them to stay. How completely selfish and absurd. You sure do like to make assumptions based on your failed understanding of things, don't you? Link to comment
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