Betty79 Posted March 10, 2011 Author Share Posted March 10, 2011 Ok well when I asked him about it maybe I didnt do it in such a tactful way which maybe why he was a bit defensive I dont know? I asked in a half joking kind of way who the girl was that he was flirting with on facebook all the time! Maybe a little silly of me! Its just I didnt like it. It escalated from there and we argued about it but we made up later and he said I was the one for him and I shouldnt worry about him flirting with anyone as he's not. I just dont want to sabotage out relationship through my insecurity. Maybe I should come off facebook? Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 I didnt need my guy to PROVE to me that I can trust him. I see it in his every day behaviour, that he contacts me, shows me he cares in little ways and is WITH me. If he ever doesnt want to be with me. he wont. I dont believe him to be a cheater and the more I get to know him the more I trust him, but Im not suspicious of him. He trusts me when I speak to my exes because he knows they are exes for a reason and by my choosing. I trust him when he speaks to his girl mates, because I trust him. I'm even good friends with a girl I know he got together with once, and I get on with all his girl mates. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 You sure do like to make assumptions based on your failed understanding of things, don't you? I didn't make assumptions, failed or otherwise. I outlined my relationship view. And really, you can dial down the condescension. Just because I'm not a puppet of your views doesn't mean my views are any less valid. Link to comment
vilos Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 I didn't make assumptions, failed or otherwise. I outlined my relationship view. And really, you can dial down the condescension. Just because I'm not a puppet of your views doesn't mean my views are any less valid. My point was simply that not one person said or implied anything about control or limitations. You inferred it. Incorrectly. Don't get so defensive. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 My point was simply that not one person said or implied anything about control or limitations. You inferred it. Incorrectly. Don't get so defensive. "Don't talk to girls!" "Don't talk to girls on facebook!" "Don't ___ with girls!" Sounds like control and limitation to me. But then, sure, I guess I could be wrong. Link to comment
misssmithviii Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 I guess it's just different for me. I'm not going to control you, or put limitations on you. If you want to be with me, you'll be with me. If you don't want to be with me, then go with my blessings and hope for a happy future. I'm not going to beg someone to stay or trick them into staying or constantly pressure them to stay. How completely selfish and absurd. Wow! I'm honestly surprised you acknowledged you're difference of opinion as just that, instead of demeaning everyone else ;-P On another note though OP - be more tactful the next time you feel the urge to ask him about something, and in all honesty him getting defensive isn't going to solve anything. You need to convey to him, express and confess your insecurities - and tell him that it'll take you some time. You don't wish to control him, you just need that extra openness and understanding... if he can't help you with it, then you're either going to have to end the relationship because you two are compatible in that sense, or you're going to have to keep your mouth shut and somehow NOT go absolutely crazy. Link to comment
vilos Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 Ok well when I asked him about it maybe I didnt do it in such a tactful way which maybe why he was a bit defensive I dont know? I asked in a half joking kind of way who the girl was that he was flirting with on facebook all the time! Maybe a little silly of me! Its just I didnt like it. It escalated from there and we argued about it but we made up later and he said I was the one for him and I shouldnt worry about him flirting with anyone as he's not. I just dont want to sabotage out relationship through my insecurity. Maybe I should come off facebook? Quitting FB seems drastic. Decide how you truly feel about this, discuss it with him and find out how he feels about it, and if you reach an agreement, then great. If not, then it's time to move on. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 Wow! I'm honestly surprised you acknowledged you're difference of opinion as just that, instead of demeaning everyone else ;-P On another note though OP - be more tactful the next time you feel the urge to ask him about something, and in all honesty him getting defensive isn't going to solve anything. You need to convey to him, express and confess your insecurities - and tell him that it'll take you some time. You don't wish to control him, you just need that extra openness and understanding... if he can't help you with it, then you're either going to have to end the relationship because you two are compatible in that sense, or you're going to have to keep your mouth shut and somehow NOT go absolutely crazy. I'm getting better with subtext in written conversations. Link to comment
misssmithviii Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 Technically it IS limitation. It's a boundary. For couples like my boyfriend and I, we don't see it as something diminishing because we agree upon it. It's about finding someone who either sees eye-to-eye with you on that boundary, or someone who's willing to show you otherwise by working on it with you. By the way, getting off facebook doesn't change anything ^_^ You've got to work through it either way. That line of thinking is quite the slippery slope. Link to comment
ut804 Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 he can be friends with the girl but no flirting, thats just disrespectful if he flirts with other girls. now that he knows let's see if he stops. if he doesnt stop i would end it. Link to comment
vilos Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 It's only disrespectful if she's not OK with it and he continues, which seems to be the case. They should have had a discussion at the start to define whether there were any boundaries they needed. She clearly has a boundary here that does not match with his. If she can't live with this, then she needs to accept that she picked the wrong type of guy and she needs to keep this in mind when she is next seeking a man. Hopefully, she will remember to come to an understanding next time BEFORE it's too late. I flirt with girls all the time, though not nearly as many as flirt with me. A girl I decide to be with would need to accept that from the beginning. Flirting has nothing to do with attraction, sex or emotions, unless it is intended in that way. Link to comment
capilot Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 2)Why is defensiveness his first reaction? It tends to be my first reaction too. I've had too many conversations start with "who is that girl" and then progress to "why is she writing to you?", "what is your relationship with her?", "why doesn't she respect our relationship?", and so forth. Pretty soon you recognize the signs of a two-hour jealous tirade ramping up and figure you might short-circuit it by stating up front "she's my friend and I'm not going to stop being friends with her". It usually doesn't work. Link to comment
pinkelephant Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 I would not appreciate it if my bf were to flirt with a girl I've never heard of on facebook, with their conversations suggesting that they talk more outside of FB. I would appreciate it even less when I ask him who that girl is and his response was defensive. It's not a controlling issue; it's about boundaries (as someone else has said). I don't mind flirting while one is in a relationship, but flirting on facebook seems out of line, simply because it's a public profile where you have your family and friends. But this might just be me, I don't even like it when my bf calls me sexy on my wall; I'd delete it. I have co-workers and bosses and family, anything that should be kept discreet, should be that - discreet. Link to comment
pinkelephant Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 It tends to be my first reaction too. I've had too many conversations start with "who is that girl" and then progress to "why is she writing to you?", "what is your relationship with her?", "why doesn't she respect our relationship?", and so forth. Pretty soon you recognize the signs of a two-hour jealous tirade ramping up and figure you might short-circuit it by stating up front "she's my friend and I'm not going to stop being friends with her". It usually doesn't work. You're assuming it's a reocurring theme in their relationship though and it doesn't sound like it. Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 Is this related to "emotional cheating" somehow? If so, wow, the definition of that term is becoming more all-inclusive by the second. Link to comment
justaglimmer Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 Alright, Alright... to the OP, yep, it's alright if you're upset about this. And I'll tell you why... Facebook is disastrous when used by the wrong people. Trust NO ONE using facebook. Hey I'm sorry, I know I'm going to get a lot of heat from this, but I've just seen it too many times. First and foremost, in my part of the world, I notice the #1 thing people use facebook for is the gossip. Example: "Omg did you see what so-and-so wrote on HER wall?! Something's definitely going on!" Look I don't mean to make anybody more paranoid but if something is fishy on facebook or these other social networking sites, you better clean that sh1t up real quick. If you have a significant other who keeps chatting it up with members of the opposite sex and the conversations are rather "flirty", not only is it making you look bad (and yes it will start gossip), but it is making YOU paranoid, and then suddenly you're labeled as "crazy", "insecure", "clingy"... Don't buy into it. People are dumped for others and cheated on everyday, and you're gonna sit back and overlook red flags on a social networking site? I used to work at a place with all girl coworkers, so I know first-hand how this facebook gossip goes. There was one hoe-bag that I worked with who used to flirt with this other girl's boyfriend all the time over facebook. Rumors spread quickly and all hell broke loose. Something similar happened to me with myspace like 4 years ago... scarred me for life. I'm not saying don't trust your significant other to have a facebook, just be careful and make sure you are being respected and things are kept appropriate for your comfort level. Go ahead, bash me. Link to comment
vilos Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 If you have a significant other who keeps chatting it up with members of the opposite sex and the conversations are rather "flirty", not only is it making you look bad (and yes it will start gossip) I'll just address this part for the bashing. Who the hell cares what assumptions others make? What are we, twelve? We care about gossip? Sheesh... Link to comment
justaglimmer Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 I'll just address this part for the bashing. Who the hell cares what assumptions others make? What are we, twelve? We care about gossip? Sheesh... haha, you are right in a way, I mean you shouldn't base your life on what others think. However, my point is that when rumors start spreading, and you're already a little paranoid, it doesn't make for a good combination.. ya know? Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 Who the hell cares what assumptions others make? What are we, twelve? We care about gossip? Sheesh... Amen, sir. Link to comment
justaglimmer Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 Ok here's my point on the whole "make you look bad" thing... there's always gonna be gossip in the world, but if *I* was the main subject of that gossip just because my boyfriend couldn't get his act together and behave appropriately on facebook... well, I'd be a little pissed off. Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 Why do you care what others think of you, though? Are you looking for a mate that will make you look good? Link to comment
justaglimmer Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 No, I just simply don't like to be a part of unnecessary drama. And if drama and rumors could be prevented simply by my boyfriend behaving himself and respecting me in the public eye of facebook, well, that would be all I ask. Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 I understand, and that makes sense. That said, I personally live a drama-free life without caring/knowing what others think of me, simply because it's a lot easier that way. Link to comment
vilos Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 You're not compatible with this guy. You have different values. Link to comment
delicous Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 You might have reason to suspect something, but its probaly nothing. In order to know if there is potential issues, I need to know what it is this girl is writing to him? Link to comment
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