Those who feel the need to put down online relationships and LDRs...

[Oneironaut]

(Just for the record, I'm referring to LDRs that are a result of meeting online, not ones that are because of other reasons.)

 

For some reason, I'm becoming a bit annoyed lately by the number of people who feel the need to take time out of their own lives and put down those of us who are in LDRs as a result of meeting online.

 

Things I've been reading and hearing lately include:

 

"You need to just go out and find someone the old-fashioned way",

 

"What's wrong with you that you can't get a date in real life", and

 

"Online dating sites/LDRs are for pathetic Internet nerds".

 

Seriously? To those people I ask, what is wrong with YOU that you feel the need to disparage other people's relationship choices? Is your life really that unhappy that you need to spread the misery by mocking those who do things differently?

 

I realize that not all LDRs are a result of meeting online, but they are much more common now because of the Internet than ever before. Some people can handle them, some people can't. I don't make fun of people who don't want to be in one, so why do they feel the need to make fun of me?

 

The fact is, bad relationships and getting involved with a loser are things that were around LONG before the Internet. Just recently in my local paper there was a story about a woman who met a man at CHURCH, and got involved with him. Well, he turned out to be a con artist and cleaned her out, financially.

 

Wow, maybe she'd have been better off finding someone online!

 

The Internet has been around long enough now that it's safe to say there are hundreds of thousands, and most likely millions, of successful relationships as a result of meeting online. The Internet has allowed people whose paths never would have crossed to meet each other, and fall in love. Yes, sacrifices have to be made...well, guess what? Sacrifices have to be made in "in person" relationships, too!

 

To put it simply, if you don't want to meet someone online, then don't do it. If you don't want to be in a LDR, then don't do it. But stop and think before you tell ME what I should be doing to find true love...think about what an arrogant ass it makes you sound like, as if you have all the answers to finding the perfect partner.

 

Alright, that's my rant. Thanks for reading.

[OptomisticGirl]

Completely agree. I met my fiance on here and we have always been LD. Like you I don't think all of them work - because they don't - and most of the time when they don't it's becuase the people involved just jumped in to them without thought as to how to make the LDR work.

[annie24]

I agree that people shouldn't judge the way that people meet. Back in our grand-parents' and great-grand-parents' days and further back, people met because their families knew each other, they met in church, or they lived down the block, they married at 18 and that was that. i think in today's global and technological society, things are very different. you don't have lots of generations under the same roof. you probably don't know the names of all the people on your block, in your apartment building or whatever. you might know the names of 2 or 3 neighbors. i think as a society we've become so much more disconnected from each other.... at the same time, you have sites like this that encourage people to open up, probably in ways we don't do in real life....

 

so yeah, i think meeting online is great, especially since you can be really specific about what you are looking for. HOWEVER, i encourage meeting, not just going for years without meeting and carrying on an 'online relationship.'

[catcountry]

I wish there was a like button on ENA. Love can happen at any time under any circumstances. The heart feels what it feels...no matter how you met or how far apart you are.

[ibu]

*claps hands* Great post!! Completely agree with you!

Many of the people complaining about how we can never be happy in a LDR and how utterly stupid it is to fly out to meet someone and fall in love with someone on the other side of the world, should look at their own relationships. I bet their own relationships are not all moonlight and roses either.

[Appleseed]

HOWEVER, i encourage meeting, not just going for years without meeting and carrying on an 'online relationship.'

 

Totally agree with this. I think you need to take extra precautions with LDRs that start online. I feel like it's easy to turn the whole situation into a fantasy. Meeting as soon as possible, IMO, is the best idea.

 

OP, I really like your post and agree with it also. I am very shy in person, so meeting someone online was wonderful for me. It allowed me to open up and not feel so awkward! And now my online guy and I are engaged and no longer long distance.

[Oneironaut]

Wow, thanks for the nice replies, everyone. I wasn't sure how it would be received, lol...good to know there are people still out there with open minds.

[OptomisticGirl]

I think some of us may be in LDRs, lol

[kompking88]

I just recently got engaged on valentines day, I met her in a video chat room then we met in person we been 1 year and some months together, let me tell you that I am more than happy that I met her online because we actually got to know each other better since we always talked about everything, so whoever says that LDRs can't work is just because they didn't put any effort in keeping the relationship.

 

PS: If you'd like to know our story in how we met in full detail visit my blog : link removed

 

Thanks.

[Capricorn3]

I know quite a number of people who met online, had a LDR and eventually got married.

[ibu]

I just recently got engaged on valentines day, I met her in a video chat room then we met in person we been 1 year and some months together, let me tell you that I am more than happy that I met her online because we actually got to know each other better since we always talked about everything, so whoever says that LDRs can't work is just because they didn't put any effort in keeping the relationship.

 

PS: If you'd like to know our story in how we met in full detail visit my blog : link removed

 

 

Thanks.

 

 

Yeah, but when is part 2 coming?

[Periwinkle.]

Very well said! Being online doesn't make our emotions any less real than that of "real life" couples.

[PinnieLouWho]

So very true. I have had an year-long relationship with my ex who I met online (and was long distance). Unfortunately we didn't work out because we both had issues that we couldn't resolve but a friend of mine always points out that of course I met him online so it didn't work. Thing is, I could have met him anywhere and it still wouldn't have worked. I keep trying to tell her to broaden her horizons and try online dating because she's 40 and hasn't dated since she was 16 (and she's a pretty woman with a great attitude, but she's very picky, and not in a good way). The same 'losers' and 'con artists' she says are online can be met anywhere. I try online dating because I don't go out that much anymore and apparently in this city it's hard for me to meet people. Whenever guys meet me (online) they are surprised that I'm not steadily dating or married IRL, but it's not easy even if you are an attractive outgoing person.

 

Ah well, I like to keep all options open and I look at online dating is just another avenue to get me closer to my hopefully one day marriage dreams ;D

[Ariel85]

I don't personally have a problem with people who meet online or maintain LDR's.

 

HOWEVER, people who meet online, and then never meet IRL, yet consider themselves in a relationship? That's pure fantasy land and not terribly healthy.

[Unknown1607307972]

I met my boyfriend online randomly on a site totally unrelated to dating, we're from different countries but both in Europe and not far away. We met eachother after a few months of very regular communication, now we've been together for two and a half years almost and we live together. People who hate on LDRs that result from meeting online are really ignorant, these days it's so normal. Sure I could have found someone locally, but does it mean I'd like them as much? I didn't see the point in letting someone I connected with so well go away over a distance which we both saw as manageable.

[hippychick11]

I'm currently in a LDR and I'd say this will be my last. It is really hard to make it work, both people have to want it and commit to it otherwise there's no point. I don't think that there's anything wrong with it from a moral and social point of view of course, it's just a modern way of meeting someone and I do believe you get to know the person for who they are inside and not what they look like or anything superficial like that.

Good luck to anyone who can survive this kind of relationship and make it work, I just think if you don't get to see the person or simple things like holding hands or looking into their eyes, you can really be missing out.

[Oneironaut]

HOWEVER, people who meet online, and then never meet IRL, yet consider themselves in a relationship? That's pure fantasy land and not terribly healthy.

 

If they -never- meet IRL, I tend to agree. I couldn't maintain a LDR without meeting at some point.

 

Good luck to anyone who can survive this kind of relationship and make it work, I just think if you don't get to see the person or simple things like holding hands or looking into their eyes, you can really be missing out.

 

No one in their right mind would argue that having an LDR is the same as an in-person relationship when it comes to physical intimacy...however, I also know a LOT of people who said that only when their husband or boyfriend went overseas, or to a different state, did they really get to KNOW them.

 

The reason for this was because when they were together in-person, their time together often included outside distractions, and allowed for very little time to truly TALK to each other. When their SO went LD and they were forced to spend time on the phone or on Skype, they began having long conversations that gave them new insight into each other...conversations they'd not had before due to "real life" distractions getting in the way.

 

As I said in my original post, if it doesn't work for you, then don't do it. But please don't tell me that I'm "missing out" just because I cannot hold his hand or look into his eyes...the words that he says to me every night before bed are just as meaningful to me on a different level, and no less important emotionally.

[hippychick11]

It wasn't an attack on LDR at all, I'm giving my opinion as I know what it's like. If words will always be enough for you than that's great but most people want more.

Actually Oneironaut, you've contradicted everything you've just said. So you DO want to meet them in real life as well? the physical aspect must also be important to you and that's fine, it's human nature.

[OptomisticGirl]

Um, I would end the distance right here and right now to be able to hold his hand. That being said, I don't feel like I"m missing you because I can't do that right now. The distance will end next year and I know I will be able to hold his hand. To only think you can maintain an LDR forever is naive.

[hippychick11]

I definitely agree with Optmisticgirl, I think it reaches a point in the relationship where you need that day to eventually come when you will meet and know that someday you'll be able to physically be with that person otherwise what do you have? it's just a fantasy.

[Oneironaut]

If words will always be enough for you than that's great but most people want more.

 

To only think you can maintain an LDR forever is naive.

 

You are both arguing straw-men. At no point did I ever say that words will "always" be enough for me, nor did I say that someone can maintain an LDR "forever".

 

Physical intimacy is awesome, no one in their right mind would contradict that. However, healthy relationships are a combination of physical and emotional intimacy. He and I have not only developed the emotional intimacy, we know from meeting that we have the physical connection as well.

 

So now, we plan and wait. We know that what we have found in each other is unique and worth waiting for, therefore, we are willing to be patient...something sadly lacking in today's "instant gratification" society.

 

Like I said, if it doesn't work for you, don't do it. I only ask that you respect my choice, and not tell me that I -should- do things your way,or that your way is "better", because your way is not my way.

[OptomisticGirl]

Never said you said it - it was my observation to what the other poster said. I think I would be very hipocrtical to judge an LDR when I'm in a 4,000 mile one and will be LD for almost the first year of my marriage.

[Oneironaut]

Ah. Well, you didn't quote exactly to whom you were responding, so I didn't realize that. My apologies.

[Tanzi]

Times change and technology changes (and gets better) with it. For a lot of us, whose personal circumstances may be holding us back, we find that using internet dating sites is not only a real door opener to an otherwise completely closed area but a great way to meet like-wise people.

 

When my husband left, leaving me alone with 3 children, it wasn't easy for me to get back "out there", to meet new people and to, well, basically get a life but internet dating provided me with that opportunity. I met my current bf online and I am extremely, EXTREMELY happy. If anyone feels the need to look down on those of us who use, or have used, internet dating sites I feel it is they who are the sad ones. Sad because they cannot embrace change and refuse to move with the times.

 

Generally speaking however, I find it is those who are in LT relationships and who have met in a more traditional way who will look down on those who choose to "internet date" but I will bet my bottom dollar that if their "traditional" relationsips break down and all their friends are settled and/or busy with family commitments, it won't be long before they, too, start to have a wee peek "just out of curiosity"!!

 

I have had 3 relationships in the 3.5 years that I have been separated from my husband. I met them ALL online and the first was a LDR. I went to a part of the country that I had never been to before, saw a way of life that I hadn't experienced before and thoroughly enjoyed it. Although, I admit, the distance highlighted certain issues, it was neverthless, these other issues that ended the relationship eventually and not the distance alone.

 

Whatever, if it wasn't for internet dating, I would probably still be alone, pining for ex-husband, God forbid!!

 

Don't knock it 'till you try it, thats what I say.

[Oneironaut]

Very well said, blue. Online dating has opened up an entirely new world for those of us who may live in rural areas, or otherwise have difficulty getting out there and meeting people.

 

Oh, and for those of you who may be wondering what I meant by arguing a "straw-man", it's a logical fallacy often used in debating circles. Basically, it means setting up a false premise, the "straw-man", and then proceeding to "knock it down" by arguing against it.

 

In this case, which is a perfect example, hippychick created a false premise by putting words in my mouth with, "Words may always be enough for you" [emphasis mine], and then argued against that with, "but most people want more."

 

I'd never said words will always be enough for me, making the second half of her sentence a moot point, since it goes without saying that words alone wouldn't be enough for most people, or anyone, for that matter.

 

I actually did date a guy online for a while a few years ago, and it became obvious fairly quickly that he had no motivation whatsoever, and that he was perfectly content to simply be a LDR indefinitely. I knew this wasn't going to work for me but I stayed with him until by chance one day, I met my current boyfriend, and then, well...it was "love at first chat", as the new saying goes, and the rest is history.

 

Thanks again to everyone who has contributed to this thread, always good to get a variety of opinions and points-of-view.