Those who feel the need to put down online relationships and LDRs...

[ibu]

I don't find that to be true at all. I do not think that a relationship where the two people have never met in person can be considered a "romantic relationship" (just my humble opinion) but if two people are in a long distance relationship where they have met and see each other and plan to see each other in person then sure if that works for them, cool.

 

So, the way I understand it, is :

you don't think my relationship with my boyfriend (at the time) was romantic because it was talking & typing only and we hadn't met.

 

Ok, I'm with you so far. But doesn't that mean you were saying exactly what I mean? That people are negative about it? I mean, you say yourself you "don't believe in it", which is of course your good right. At least you're being nice. You say you don't believe in it, other people say an LDR is stupid and dumb.

How can I not become defensive when I see terms like stupid and dumb being thrown around, when I see the opposite of "dysfunctional" and "fantasy" happen in my own relationship (now that we have met, we have established there is romance, I'm planning on relocating, and we'll end the distance one day)? Am I so wrong to want to make these people who are so against LDR's see that not every LDR is bad or ends badly?

[Unknown1607307972]

Well my LDR worked out just fine (and we originally met online ), we live together now and we're happy, so I don't think I was wasting my time. We always booked our next trip to see eachother asap after returning from our last one and we went on holiday together, met eachothers' families, learnt so much about eachother, saw eachothers' faces and heard eachothers' voices daily, and got really close. He's a great guy who isn't scared of my weird personality quirks and issues, he and I even eachother out, we are incredibly close, that is not something I find easily as I find it hard to trust new people so I certainly didn't want to pass this up because of distance. I don't feel I limited my dating opportunities at all as look where I am now. I think if you don't make solid plans to meet up as much as you can financially then there is something wrong, but whether a long distance relationship is worth it or not is up to the two people involved. Nobody should try and put it down because those who wouldn't like a LDR should simply avoid them but not pass judgement on those who are in one. It really hurts having to defend the validity of your relationship from people on top of missing your partner in general.

[Joshb]

I think there is def a stigma to online relationships, ones where you date before meeting, and ones where you met online, met and dated. Both carry a stigma, especially the one where you date before meeting! Personally i was in a long distance relationship with someone in another country, but we met by chance on a holiday. Later on down the road it became a relationship. I have also tried the online thing before, but didnt have much luck with it. I wasnt a big fan of it, but of course that was just from my experience. I say whatever works for you, makes you happy then go for it. We do live in a world full of technology, some have busy lives so its an extra medium to find a connection. Some people seem to have found long lasting relationships online and i say good for you! There def is a stigma, but im sure that will fade away as time goes on. Best of luck!

[Batya33]

I don't think it's appropriate to call any relationship or friendship stupid or dumb when the person hasn't asked the speaker for his/her opinion. If she has been asked for her opinion or advice then "stupid" and "dumb" is blunt and harsh but it is not as rude as giving unsolicited harsh input on a relationship, whatever type of relationship it is.

I would not get defensive or argue with people who behave rudely - I would ignore them and distance myself because people who behave like that are not going to be open to listening to another point of view.

[Sweetkisses22]

I don't think too many people would make that extreme statement you wrote -and if they did it's not about LDRs it's about the person's general inability to give input in a thoughtful way. I'm glad your LDR is working out for you. What I have commented on in other situations is that if there are no plans to meet in person or no plans to see each other at least once a month or so my concern would be that it starts veering off into fantasy land. That's a far cry from the harsh "they are stupid and dumb".

 

wow so your saying if you don't see your so at least once a month it becomes a fantasy??? so I guess everyone who's married someone in the military is in a "fantasy relationship" because they don't see them as often as they would like. your comment is immature, mostly because you have never been in the situation so you'll never know what its really like. no one wantssss to be in a ldr it just happens! you can't help who you fall in love with. and your saying ldr that you've never met are stupid. yes they are but those are cyber relationships not ldr. big difference.

[Sweetkisses22]

exactly. people who really love and care for each other make it work. its just like any other type of relationship. we all battle the same issues whether anyone ants to believe it or not. we all deal with infidelity, communication, time to spend with each other. no matter what type of relationship your in, its all the same. im glad things worked out for you too btw. it pisses me off when people talk crap about things they've never experienced.

[90_hour_sleep]

what a cool thread!! glad you ranted away, oneironaut!!

 

i have nothing to contribute on the romantic relationship front...but there are a few things which i've come to appreciate about online interactions. most notably...in many ways, i think it's quite possible to be more intimate with someone in this kind of medium. that may sound strange at first...but from my perspective, there's an added openness with some (there is also massive potential for deceit here...which i recognize fully). and, more than any physical connection, i define intimacy as a spiritual bond inspired by trust and safety. the physical component is a wonderful bonus...but true intimacy in my eyes does not by definition require a physical component. in fact, i think often times a physical infatuation can be sadly misinterpreted as intimacy. in essence, sex is erroneously perceived as the meaty heart of and intimate bond.

 

back to this idea of online intimacy. there's an added willingness to express vulnerability, without fear of judgement. and this opens all kinds of doors. i think it's very possible for online interactions to transcend some of the typical back-and-forthing that goes on in our day-to-day physical interactions. while in a ''conventional'' relationship there's often an extended period of feeling out that goes on before any kind of open discussion becomes possible (and obviously this is by no means the general rule...perhaps only a general statement of observation)...sometimes the very nature of an online encounter is the feeling of safety that it potentially promotes (and i'll admit, i'm speaking less in terms of the online 'dating' world...and more in terms of forums such as this one, because that is my experience). it's difficult to explain. but i'll contest that i have several friends who i've met online that i've been much more intimate with than all but but a very select group of individuals...who by means of sheer time spent together win by default.

 

i'm not sure i would be inclined to choose a romantic partner from the online market...but i've definitely considered it in the past. there are some very definite benefits to these types of interactions. i don't consider my friendships here to be 'better'...but there's something strangely inviting about the online interaction. often (and here i'm referring not to complete strangers...but those whom i've had some familiarity with through rudimentary interactions), an online persona is much more inclined to remove his or her masks, and be exposed for the world to see. obviously this process takes time, as with any other relationship. and even in this medium there are different paces for everyone. really...i don't see the online world as entirely different than what we refer to as 'the real world'. even in these real world interactions we are not in control of another person's actions. we are easily deceived under the right circumstances. often times, we see only what we choose to see. i think it's best to err on the side of caution with any interaction...online or otherwise.

ultimately...i find it to be a captivating world of potential. and to those who will steadfastly refute it's validity, it's my belief that they do so out of general ignorance. who am i to suggest that the choices of others are questionable? what purpose is there for me to have an agenda for how others conduct their lives?

[superfox]

Nice post 90 hour!

 

I think online relationships or LDR where you have to make the online effort can be deeper quicker due to the nature of them. The conversations that can go on because you're both there and making the effort without distractions and the depth of emotions you can convey hiding behind a screen, although in my case without facial expressions we had many in depth convos that ended up 'no, I don't mean it like that I meant it like this...!' Hence we never talk online anymore, texts and calls are so much easier and better read!

 

My 'LDR' is only an hour which is nothing compared to most of you and we see each other every week or so for a couple of days or more, lucky for me, his shifts mean we can in theory spend 2-3 weeks together every couple of months. But it never gets easier, the insecurities and jealousies abate but the missing still hurts, possibly more than it did initially.

 

I couldn't make it work over a longer distance, I didn't mind at the beginning as I wasn't looking for 'the one' and didn't want tied down - more fool me! But 2 hours or more, another continent? No. I honestly admire those of you that can, and I know it's because you have to. Not choice.

 

So from being a totally strong woman who never wanted marriage again, to move again or to be at the beck and call of another man I am now planning to uproot and buy a house with him. You have to have the endgame in sight I think even though it hit me like a shovel in the face! But that's love for you!

[90_hour_sleep]

Nice post 90 hour!

 

I think online relationships or LDR where you have to make the online effort can be deeper quicker due to the nature of them. The conversations that can go on because you're both there and making the effort without distractions and the depth of emotions you can convey hiding behind a screen, although in my case without facial expressions we had many in depth convos that ended up 'no, I don't mean it like that I meant it like this...!' Hence we never talk online anymore, texts and calls are so much easier and better read!

 

 

 

yes! have to admit...that's my major beef with online conversation as well. while there's huge potential for a range of depth you can't always get through even the most intimate phone call (or even a face-to-face)...sometimes it can be a huge struggle to convey and be understood. it can be so difficult to have a conversation that could take minutes (or perhaps a few hours) and have it span weeks or months instead by contrast. i think at times it's far too easy to make assumptions about what's been said...because language can be far more open to interpretation. to be in someone's presence, it feels more like communication to me; whereas sometimes the text format feels more like a one way street. not always...but often.

 

just my experience.

[superfox]

Totally! And you feel a bit ridiculous having to show the context of a deep and meaningful with smiley faces

 

I think that's why there are so many cyber affairs, it's easier to talk about hidden stuff behind a screen to a faceless person.

[OptomisticGirl]

Totally! And you feel a bit ridiculous having to show the context of a deep and meaningful with smiley faces

 

I think that's why there are so many cyber affairs, it's easier to talk about hidden stuff behind a screen to a faceless person.

 

I think that's there two people's connections come through, as well. While L and talk on the phone every chance we get and web cam whenever our schedules allow, email is our day to day means to talk. Take today. He sent me a very heartful email and without even a smiley face in it, I could just feel the love. When it comes to having to use that as a means of communication - in a established LDR - I believe that's when you either prove you have a connection or odn't.

[Voguester]

This is my first LD relationship and we're at a really hard stage because after talking online for 3 years, we have only just met each other face to face. He lives in another country where i visited him for a few weeks and now i feel like i can't be without him.

The problem is that he doesn't like to talk about the future and i just really NEED to know what his plans with me are now, we've met and he knows exactly who i am now and what im like in real life so his decision should be easier. There was that unknown factor before when we just talked online so i can understand why we didnt discuss our relationship plans much.

I have been researching flights and things and when i am financially able to go and see him again and i know he would be happy with this too but he hasn't offered to do anything to help us be together.

The other night i said that i can't wait for him forever, i can't just have an internet relationship with him for the rest of my life which is fair enough. He said that he can't give me an answer right now, that he does want to be with me but he can't offer me anything.

All i simply asked him was to set some kind of goal that we can look forward to and he makes out like im asking for marriage or something, which im definitely not, i dont even believe in marriage but hes making it seem like im pushing him. I think its fair for me to want to know whats going to happen next.

What usually happens in these situations?, im really new to the whole LDR thing.

[OptomisticGirl]

Honestly? It sounds like he's leading you on. My fiance and I live in separate countries and before he's even on the plane leaving from a visit with me, we are already tentaively discussing our next trip. In a LDR you don't have to be like 'oh, we are getting married by x date' but you DO need a game plan. We will try to see each other x amount of times, this is were we are, this is were we want to be - and most importantly you have to have an end date for hte distance. Some couples can work off no end date but I have seen it end more relationships than safe them. This guy clearly doesn't want to put the time and effort into the relationship really which he is entitled to do that but that also means not dragging you around.

[Voguester]

Yes definitely, I just want to know what he wants to do...whatever that may be, if he doesnt want to be with me then fine but I don't want to be waiting on my computer forever not knowing if or when he wants to have a real life relationship with me. It's not good for me at all and I feel like I'm putting my life on hold for him when he can't even give me a simple answer, and really, it should be simple.

[OptomisticGirl]

It's not nexxesarily a simple answer but after 3 years yeah.. it's def time for one. My fiance and I discussed would either of us be up for a LDR before we even got into one.