Those who feel the need to put down online relationships and LDRs...

[OptomisticGirl]

I remember reading about that OG and I bloody admire the way you dealt with it, it can't have been easy but it must have strengthened both your relationship and how he percieves you, i.e., not a screaming harpy! It's going to be great

 

Lol! It def strengthened us and it could so have easily broken us. I admit when he called me that morning and said he was stuck in traffic I was like okay baby, I'll see you today - I was half asleep - and he goes no hunny, I don't think I'm making it to the airport I was like what?!?!?!?!??! Lol.

 

What Part of England do you live in if you don't mind me asking?

[ibu]

and he goes no hunny, I don't think I'm making it to the airport I was like what?!?!?!?!??! Lol.

 

I can't imagine the terror of that moment, of finding out he wasn't going to make it. Ugh, that must have seriously sucked and then I'm putting it lightly.

[OptomisticGirl]

I can't imagine the terror of that moment, of finding out he wasn't going to make it. Ugh, that must have seriously sucked and then I'm putting it lightly.

 

I can only describe it as that feeling of when you break up with someone, the way your heart drops and you cant breath. I tried to not cry when we were on the phone because I knew he was just as upset but when I walked out to the living room to tell my mom I could barely get the words out through the blubbering.

[superfox]

I can't imagine the terror of that moment, of finding out he wasn't going to make it. Ugh, that must have seriously sucked and then I'm putting it lightly.

 

Yep! I can't begin to imagine what it was like or how I'd have reacted

 

OG, I've pm you!

[Oneironaut]

ibu, you and I are very much on the same page about this:

 

But we HAVE met, and confirmed that what we had online was real, and we'll take it from there....We're just two people in love who happen to live on the other side of the world....for now. How is that stupid and dumb? It just happened like that.

 

and,

 

It's not because two people are apart and in a LDR that we can't have an idea about long term potential. Before our first meeting, I already felt we "knew" each other very well, from all kinds of (online) contact, after our meeting I was even more sure of it because it confirmed what I already knew. Of course we already discussed our goals and dreams with each other, and of course they are the same. If they weren't, I wouldn't be so sure about it as I am now that this relationship is going to work out...

 

As I said in my OP, the Internet has given people from around the world a chance to meet people with whom they never would have crossed paths...I'd say it has ENHANCED the possibility of finding love, and I'll truly never understand why anyone wants to put down someone else's chance of finding love.

 

In any case, the funny thing about those of us who find ourselves defending our decision to be in an LDR is that people in in-person relationships have the exact same challenges!! I'm on AIM right now with a friend who just got dumped by the guy she was dating for 4.5 months...she wanted a relationship and he didn't. But she didn't want to bring it up because she was afraid of the answer...well, today she finally brought it up, and got her walking papers, was deleted off FB within half an hour. So being in-person didn't help one iota when it came to having the same goals, because obviously, they didn't, and now she's broken-hearted.

 

So I guess that's my real point in all this...LDRs and in-person relationships both face challenges that are remarkably similar, just at a distance instead of up-close. If you don't want the "extra" challenges of an LDR, that's fine, lol...just don't tell me that because we're not in-person, and because we don't see each other on a certain schedule, it means we don't have "real" feelings for each other. I can assure you that our feelings are just as real as any two people who are in love.

 

All we're really asking for is that you treat our relationships with the same amount of respect with which you want yours treated. I have no interest in nit-picking yours and find all the things I personally consider to be flaws, so please don't do that to me.

[greywolf]

Back in the day, people used to be pen pals and they'd have relationships that way. I don't see how it's different. But people like to judge things they don't understand.

[hippychick11]

My boyfriend lives in another country and obviously I would never have had the opportunity to meet him if it wasn't for the internet. I have learned so much about his culture and I feel like it's made me a more interesting person, I think it's really cool that 2 people from different parts of the word can interact and learn about each other and their countries. I have never understood how people could put down others for being in a LDR and meeting someone online, I know there is a stigma attacted to it but really...how is it any different from any other relationship?? It isn't.

[Batya33]

Yes I think it is very different to have a romantic relationship where you get together in person on a regular basis v. typing and talking to someone you've never met in person - I wouldn't consider the latter situation to be a romantic relationship.

[Unknown1607307972]

As I said before, I live with my boyfriend now but we were long distance for about two years and lived in different countries. We saw each other roughly every two months (both students with little money, couldn't afford to travel more than that).

 

We didn't look for each other, we were random internet forum friends and just got closer. We happened to live in different countries, but not too far away, we arranged to meet about a month after we had decided we wanted to give it a shot with us. Why throw away an opportunity with someone you connect with if you both feel prepared to handle the distance? Because other people couldn't handle it it means everyone should avoid LDRs? I should have just waited around for a guy in my area? If my boyfriend and I were prepared to handle our relationship being long distance then it is our business and nobody else's. It's not like travelling far away to go to a different branch of a chain store like someone said, but travelling to see a unique landmark that can only be found in that location.

 

People have the right to not want to be in an LDR but they should not insult those of us who feel otherwise.

[Batya33]

I think it is inaccurate to assume that a person who chooses not to get involved with someone they can only see every two months "can't handle" the distance. It just as well could be that they choose not to be in that situation. I knew I wouldn't be able to get to know someone in the context of a romantic relationship leading to marriage in the not too distant future if I could only see him every two months. I could handle the distance but chose not to when I was looking for a good match for me. I don't think people who choose to get involved in a long distance relationship necessarily have more endurance or patience than someone who does not.

[ibu]

I could handle the distance but chose not to when I was looking for a good match for me.

 

That's definitely your right to choose whether or not you want to do an LDR.

I'm just curious...if you had felt that a person who lived far away from you, could be an extremely suitable match for a romantic relationship/marriage, would you have turned him down just because it would be LDR for a while?

 

How does one "choose" not to do distance when you're completely in love with someone who lives far away from you, when feelings already run that deep? Because that's where I'm now. I'm head over heels with my SO. There's just no way I would choose to say "no" to the long distance thing. For me it's not a matter of choice, really. There is no choice. Because if there was, and if I chose not to do the LDR thing, I would have to give him up right here and now. Which, no way in hell is that going to happen.

[Batya33]

Because I believe that you can choose to react to attraction/chemistry/connection or not - otherwise there would be far fewer intact marriages and committed relationships for example if people claimed "I had no choice but to get involved with [a married man]". If I met someone I was very attracted to but we wouldn't have been able to see each other at least every two weeks I would not have gone on the first date because I know myself and know that that would make him an unsuitable match as far as developing a romantic relationship. With my husband I was willing to do the long distance because we'd known each other for years, had dated in the past, and could see each other at least every 2 weeks (was more like every 11 days). Also I knew from the beginning that I'd be willing to relocate. Of course it's a choice -you chose to pursue the relationship despite the long distance. That is a choice. Obviously when feelings are strong it can feel as if it's out of your control but in reality of course it is.

[OptomisticGirl]

It's a choice most def. But I believ - and only my opinion - when you start limiting yourself in the what you will and won't do when dating, you take a big risk in cutting yourself off from someone who may be the one.

[Batya33]

It's a choice most def. But I believ - and only my opinion - when you start limiting yourself in the what you will and won't do when dating, you take a big risk in cutting yourself off from someone who may be the one.

 

Yes we all have our preferences whether they have to do with looks, education, background - so of course all such limits limit the dating pool. I knew that the person who would be the right person for me would be someone I would be able to see in person on a regular basis in order to discover whether we were right for each other for the long term so for me it wasn't a risk -by definition a person I wouldn't be able to see in person on a regular basis wouldn't be the right person for me.

[Batya33]

What I wanted to add to my post above- I know of several people who have limited their dating pool by continuing to be in LDRs where there was no real plan to see each other for months at a time and meanwhile the person refused to keep options open to date other people because of her commitment to the long distance person. I know one such person who wasted three years in an LDR like that and is now getting married, in her late 40s, and trying to conceive for the first time. Obviously this could be spun as "well she wasn't meant to meet the right person until now" but I don't see it that way. She passed up several opportunities to meet potentially good matches during that three years (including a number of people I suggested for her) because she was committed to someone she had met once in person for three days. Hopefully it will all work out for her but that is another way, IMO of looking at the risks of limiting the dating pool by being involved in a long distance relationship.

[OptomisticGirl]

I agree of course. You should never limit yourself like that unless the other person involved wants whatnyou want. l and I never would have started dating - especially since we started before we met in person - if he didn't have the same goal of marriage as me because I didn't want to just date to get people under my belt.

[Batya33]

I agree of course. You should never limit yourself like that unless the other person involved wants whatnyou want. l and I never would have started dating - especially since we started before we met in person - if he didn't have the same goal of marriage as me because I didn't want to just date to get people under my belt.

 

In her case he said many times he wanted a serious relationship leading to marriage- it's more difficult in a long distance relationship because for at least awhile the person can tell herself that he has legitimate excuses for not meeting up with her, given the distance/financial constraints, etc.

[ibu]

I don't see if that way, that she passed up on opportunities I mean.

Of course, if she wanted to get married by 30 and have babies then, that's another whole different matter.

But now she IS getting married, and she IS trying to have a baby, and if that's what her former LDR partner wanted as well, then isn't it that they were a great match, and they found their "one"?

 

So, because I'm now in LDR, I'm passing up on other opportunities? Heck no.

Then again, I don't want to get married, nor do I want kids, and so does my LDR SO, so at least we're on the same page. And I'm willing to relocate and will do that in the future. I don't think I'm passing up on other opportunities here in the meantime.

[Batya33]

I don't see if that way, that she passed up on opportunities I mean.

Of course, if she wanted to get married by 30 and have babies then, that's another whole different matter.

But now she IS getting married, and she IS trying to have a baby, and if that's what her former LDR partner wanted as well, then isn't it that they were a great match, and they found their "one"?

 

So, because I'm now in LDR, I'm passing up on other opportunities? Heck no.

Then again, I don't want to get married, nor do I want kids, and so does my LDR SO, so at least we're on the same page. And I'm willing to relocate and will do that in the future. I don't think I'm passing up on other opportunities here in the meantime.

 

She was 39 when she started typing and talking with her longdistance "boyfriend" -they met once and then he made many excuses why he couldn't meet again. She finally gave up after three years, at age 42-43. It then took her 2 years to meet her fiance so she is now going to try to conceive in her late 40s.

 

If I hadn't wanted to get married or have children I still wouldn't have chosen to get involved in a long distance relationship (outside of the exceptions I wrote above) because I know I can't get to know someone -and know if they are right for me unless we can see each other on a regular basis. The only difference might have been that I might have been open to having a long distance friend where when he was in town we saw each other if we weren't dating anyone else (since I wouldn't have had the biological clock issue I might have been more comfortable spending my free time that way -might). Now that I'm married I know that even more about myself -that a relationship where we couldn't see each other regularly wouldn't be right or healthy for me.

 

I don't think everyone in an LDR is passing up opportunities- it depends what the person's goals are as far as long term relationships/marriage/children - as I wrote above - certainly didn't apply my opinion to "everyone".

[ibu]

She was 39 when she started typing and talking with her longdistance "boyfriend" -they met once and then he made many excuses why he couldn't meet again. She finally gave up after three years, at age 42-43. It then took her 2 years to meet her fiance so she is now going to try to conceive in her late 40s.

 

Oh, sorry, I misunderstood you. I thought she had been in a LDR with that man, and married that SAME man. My bad!

 

In the case you described, yes, I agree with you. Going into an LDR when one of them is having excuses not to meet is asking for trouble. You do have to have the same views and long-term plans in an LDR.

[Batya33]

Oh, sorry, I misunderstood you. I thought she had been in a LDR with that man, and married that SAME man. My bad!

 

In the case you described, yes, I agree with you. Going into an LDR when one of them is having excuses not to meet is asking for trouble. You do have to have the same views and long-term plans in an LDR.

 

Yes but there is a much greater risk as I wrote above that you won't be able to tell whether the excuses based on distance and traveling are legitimate or otherwise - when distance isn't an issue it's far easier to tell especially in the beginning whether someone wants to see you or otherwise. I also think relationships that start out by typing and talking for months or longer without meeting often attract people who don't really want to be in a serious romantic relationship and are more comfortable with the fantasty/yearning/longing/missing. Especially if the other person is in a vulnerable place in life it can take much much longer to figure out the reality and whether the interaction meets the person's needs.

 

(When I write "you" I mean you in general- I am only giving a general opinion- nothing to do with your situation)

[ibu]

Yes but there is a much greater risk as I wrote above that you won't be able to tell whether the excuses based on distance and traveling are legitimate or otherwise - when distance isn't an issue it's far easier to tell especially in the beginning whether someone wants to see you or otherwise.

 

(When I write "you" I mean you in general- I am only giving a general opinion- nothing to do with your situation)

 

This is true in some cases, I would think.

 

As for me, I've NEVER, in the 2+ years of communicating with my bf, felt he was making excuses. There was a mutual reason why we couldn't see each other very soon after we began writing, and it was a legitimate one. I told him the reason why (I was finishing up my PhD, ran out of a scholarship and couldn't really travel), and he also gave me valid reasons of why he couldn't fly to my country immediately. I do agree that in the beginning you can't know 100% for certain that they are valid reasons. I do realize full well, that a relationship that starts with talking & typing only, is about taking a risk at some point. And I took that risk, lost my heart to him in the meantime, and for me it all worked out very well. Of course, had I discovered that he'd started to make excuses of why we couldn't meet then, or if he stood me up (or if I had done that to him), that would be a dysfunctional fantasy-LDR, I agree. That unfortunately happens to a lot of people in a LDR.

 

But I was lucky that both me and my bf were always honest in our communication, and we never made excuses, even when we hadn't met yet. My god, he's just amazing. I'm so lucky to have met a man like him.

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm like you ibu, i got very lucky in that I found a great guy and everything f3ll into place, even the risk we took of dating before we had met. But not everyone is as lucky aNd do live in that fantasy world.

[ibu]

Yeah, but the fact is that once you are in a LDR, many people assume you are in the dysfunctional, fantasy "he's playing you or you're playing him" kind of LDR, even when you're not. And that's exactly why Oneironaut started this thread, to say to people, "hey look, there are people who are in a loving, great LDR, and we'll be together one day. Don't look at us as doomed from the start".

[Batya33]

Yeah, but the fact is that once you are in a LDR, many people assume you are in the dysfunctional, fantasy "he's playing you or you're playing him" kind of LDR, even when you're not. And that's exactly why Oneironaut started this thread, to say to people, "hey look, there are people who are in a loving, great LDR, and we'll be together one day. Don't look at us as doomed from the start".

 

I don't find that to be true at all. I do not think that a relationship where the two people have never met in person can be considered a "romantic relationship" (just my humble opinion) but if two people are in a long distance relationship where they have met and see each other and plan to see each other in person then sure if that works for them, cool. I do think perhaps you're a bit defensive about your relationship and choices and that's a shame.

I was in an LDR with my now husband and no one thought anything negative about it -to the contrary.