Those who feel the need to put down online relationships and LDRs...

[Batya33]

I was never a fan of online dating but was (and am, indirectly now) a huge fan of people meeting in person through on line dating sites. I personally avoided interacting with men through those sites who lived far away because to me those types of relationships are largely fantasy and I wanted marriage and family in the not too distant future (otherwise I wouldn't have had a profile on a dating site). I was in a long distance relationship with my now husband for a few years before we got married but that worked for me because we knew each other for years before getting involved(and had been involved in the past), were able to see each other about ever 10-14 days and when we got back together knew that our goal was marriage/family -and I knew I'd be willing to relocate. Of course it was still difficult and frustrating at times.

[hrtlsngl7]

I think LDRs are stupid, unless you were already in a close-proximity relationship and 1 had to move away awhile. Otherwse they are dumb. I met my current GF on OKCupid. I was ONLY searching 4 girls in my immediate proximity (in-town) that met my dating criteria. Found that she is my soul-mate (time will tell otherwise). I don't understand these online-dating LDRs, why not just search for someone nearby? It's like having a McDonalds nearby, but instead going 2 one 4000 miles away. There's no definite way to prove in a LDR that a partner isn't stringing the other along and cheating w/ anything that moves while the other thinks its real and remains celibate.

[Tanzi]

Stupid and dumb? Not words I would usually use to describe relationships and surely that is down to the idividual's involved to decide. If it works for them then how is it "stupid" or "dumb". If you don't understand why people would want to consider entering into one then that is fine, you are entitled to your opinion but unless you have actually experienced being in a LDR then you should refrain from categorising them as "stupid" or "dumb" because I am pretty sure that those who are in successful LDRs and can speak from personal experience would not agree with you.

[OptomisticGirl]

I think LDRs are stupid, unless you were already in a close-proximity relationship and 1 had to move away awhile. Otherwse they are dumb. I met my current GF on OKCupid. I was ONLY searching 4 girls in my immediate proximity (in-town) that met my dating criteria. Found that she is my soul-mate (time will tell otherwise). I don't understand these online-dating LDRs, why not just search for someone nearby? It's like having a McDonalds nearby, but instead going 2 one 4000 miles away. There's no definite way to prove in a LDR that a partner isn't stringing the other along and cheating w/ anything that moves while the other thinks its real and remains celibate.

 

Then by all means don't enter into one but please do not knock those of us who have the fortitude to do an LDR. Personally, I believe people who limit themselves to seraching for their SO in only the immediate vicinity sometimes lose out on a lot. My fiance lives in in England and I can say with 100% certainty there is no better man in this world for me, even if he lived next door. Oh, I'd also like to point out that even in a 'normal' relationship -ie, same town, whatever- you can't ever know 100% if that person is cheating on you or not. LDRs are not much dufferent to normal relationship my friend - they just require a lot more communication, knowing what you want, and faith.

[ibu]

I think LDRs are stupid, unless you were already in a close-proximity relationship and 1 had to move away awhile. Otherwse they are dumb. I met my current GF on OKCupid. I was ONLY searching 4 girls in my immediate proximity (in-town) that met my dating criteria. Found that she is my soul-mate (time will tell otherwise). I don't understand these online-dating LDRs, why not just search for someone nearby? It's like having a McDonalds nearby, but instead going 2 one 4000 miles away. There's no definite way to prove in a LDR that a partner isn't stringing the other along and cheating w/ anything that moves while the other thinks its real and remains celibate.

 

Sometimes you don't exactly go "searching" for someone on the other side of the world.

Sometimes you just happen to fall in love with someone, who turns out to be the love of your life....who happens to be 6000 miles away from you.

It just happens. It's not stupid, and it's not dumb. It's a relationship, just like any other, that requires love, devotion, trust and faith and a tad more communication.

Just because you have never been in a LDR, doesn't mean other people can't be successful at them.

 

I do hope your relationship with your "soul mate" is never going to become a LDR at any time in the future. Are you going to throw away your relationship just like that, by saying "I think it's stupid and dumb, bye bye"? How mature.

[Batya33]

Then by all means don't enter into one but please do not knock those of us who have the fortitude to do an LDR. Personally, I believe people who limit themselves to seraching for their SO in only the immediate vicinity sometimes lose out on a lot. My fiance lives in in England and I can say with 100% certainty there is no better man in this world for me, even if he lived next door. Oh, I'd also like to point out that even in a 'normal' relationship -ie, same town, whatever- you can't ever know 100% if that person is cheating on you or not. LDRs are not much dufferent to normal relationship my friend - they just require a lot more communication, knowing what you want, and faith.

 

Unfortunately some people are in LDRs because they are more into the fantasty/yearning/longing than a relationship that has daily or weekly contact. Of course I'm not referring to your relationship(or the time my husband and I were long distance) but I don't think that you can generalize that all couples in an LDR have more fortitude or better communication skills.

[OptomisticGirl]

Unfortunately some people are in LDRs because they are more into the fantasty/yearning/longing than a relationship that has daily or weekly contact. Of course I'm not referring to your relationship(or the time my husband and I were long distance) but I don't think that you can generalize that all couples in an LDR have more fortitude or better communication skills.

 

Well no, I agree with you. Just like normal relationships there are those who enter into LDRs who should never into them, mostly like you said, they prefer the fantasy over reality or it's a college couple who think it's easy to do distance and find out it isn't. Like I wouldn't lump all first relationship under the category of 'it will fail'. Most do but there exceptions, just like there are in LDRs.

[jboxaholic]

if you are from a smaller town-tell them you are trying to find people outside of your own relatives or relatives of friends.

 

my boyfriend and I met online...people met each other online more than ever...or what about you walk around town and you see someone you recognize from facebook, but neer actually met in person?

 

ppl are so ignorant.

[Irial]

I think people feel the need to bother others about this kind of stuff just because it makes them uncomfortable that somebody else can be happy doing something they couldn't handle themselves / understand.

 

I was in a LDR with a guy I had met on a forum for over 4 years and the relationship was in no way worse than the ones I had with people who lived in town. And it didn't even end because of the distance.

I recently fell in love with a guy who lives on the other side of the ocean, whom I had met on a penpals website. I never really went "searching" for somebody who was far away, I met both people by pure chance and ended up falling in love. I don't think this kind of thing can be planned or avoided. Once you've fallen in love, you've fallen in love.

 

Considering whoever is in a LDR (that started online) doesn't harm anybody else and there are plenty of unhealthy relationships out there which didn't start online nor are long distance, I can't imagine a good reason to go around bothering others for this.

[ibu]

I think people feel the need to bother others about this kind of stuff just because it makes them uncomfortable that somebody else can be happy doing something they couldn't handle themselves / understand.

 

THIS!!!! ^

 

I completely agree with this. If you're uncomfortable or just not interested in a LDR, fine, that's your opinion.

But just don't go screaming "LDRs are stupid and dumb" if you've never been in one, or if you were in one that didn't work out.

Some LDRs CAN work out, and I'm in one right now and it feels like one of the best things that's ever happened to me. Easy? No. But definitely one of the best things.

[Batya33]

THIS!!!! ^

 

I completely agree with this. If you're uncomfortable or just not interested in a LDR, fine, that's your opinion.

But just don't go screaming "LDRs are stupid and dumb" if you've never been in one, or if you were in one that didn't work out.

Some LDRs CAN work out, and I'm in one right now and it feels like one of the best things that's ever happened to me. Easy? No. But definitely one of the best things.

 

I don't think too many people would make that extreme statement you wrote -and if they did it's not about LDRs it's about the person's general inability to give input in a thoughtful way. I'm glad your LDR is working out for you. What I have commented on in other situations is that if there are no plans to meet in person or no plans to see each other at least once a month or so my concern would be that it starts veering off into fantasy land. That's a far cry from the harsh "they are stupid and dumb".

[ibu]

Batya, I'm not sure how I should interpret your comment, it seems you are defending yourself, but I didn't have your posts in mind at all when I wrote what I wrote. I don't see how I make an "extreme statement" though. A few posts back a poster said LDRs are stupid and dumb and used those exact words, I echoed them. I think that's indeed a very harsh and unnecessary thing to say on a thread like this, especially when that person doesn't seem to have that much experience - if any at all - of LDRs, and when there are people on this thread who ARE in very successful LDRs.

[Oneironaut]

Wow, I had no idea this thread was still going...

 

Batya, you said people in LDRs should make plans to meet once a month or so, or it starts veering off into Fantasy Land. I can understand that, but in the case of me and my boyfriend, that is financially impossible. He lives on the east coast of Canada, and I live on the west coast of the US. The last time I went to meet him, it cost us $1500, which was part of a monetary gift from a relative. Neither of us has that kind of money and so, it's been quite a while since we've seen each other, and it will probably be months before we do again.

 

However, -because- we have actually spent time together, and -because- we have known each other for over 2 years, and -because- we are in constant, daily contact via text, AIM, and Skype, there is nothing in the least bit "fantasy" about our relationship. We are well aware of each other's shortcomings and faults, just as we are well aware of the strong emotional bond and physical passion between us. It is unfortunate that we are not in a financial position to be together right now, but that does nothing to diminish our feelings for each other. We simply understand that patience is required, because good things are worth waiting for.

 

As for the person who said LDRs are stupid and dumb, no comment...I don't feed trolls. I encourage the rest of you to refrain, as well. It's obvious that individual never intended to engage in a legitimate discussion about the subject, and as such, is unworthy of our time.

 

To everyone else, thank you for your posts, as always.

[OptomisticGirl]

I do agree with Batya that at some point you HAVE to meet when you are in an LDR or it becomes fantasy. My fiance and I can only see each other 3-4 months at at time due to the finances of seeing each other and work. However we do see each other but there are those who don't make plans to see each other and DO live in a fantasy world because they never met that person.

[ibu]

This is how it's right now with me as well. We live 6000 miles away from each other, and it's financially and professionally difficult to see each other once a month.

But we HAVE met, and confirmed that what we had online was real, and we'll take it from there. It might still take a while before we're able to put an end to the distance, but I'm more than willing to have that kind of patience. And so does he. We're already making plans for another meeting a few more months down the line.

We're just two people in love who happen to live on the other side of the world....for now. How is that stupid and dumb? It just happened like that.

 

I do agree with everyone here that you HAVE to meet at some point or the other, preferably sooner than later. But not everyone is in a position to do it as soon, and as often as they would like.

[Batya33]

For me it would not be a matter of patience but of practicalities. I would not choose your situation because I didn't have years to wait before getting to know the person enough to know if there was long term potential.

[OptomisticGirl]

^^ I also agree with this. For me, marriage and kids were always a goal. Didn't mean I was going to settle for the first guy to propose to me but I also wasn't going to just date to date or get as many dates under my belt. The reason my fiancé and I have worked so well is because he has that same goal and it was one of the reasons we were able to progress so quickly in our relationship. You can have an LDR and have all the patience in the world but you also have to look st your long term goals. Does this relationship fit with my schooling or what I want out of life, etc, etc

[superfox]

I suppose as well as having the same goals there has to be a long term plan to move to be together at some point in the future? I admre those that can do it though, I hooked up with an old bf a couple of years ago, he was now living 6 hours from me. The logistics of trying to organize the trip to see him was a nightmare and I gave up, guess I wasn't that into him after all.

[ibu]

It's not because two people are apart and in a LDR that we can't have an idea about long term potential. Before our first meeting, I already felt we "knew" each other very well, from all kinds of (online) contact, after our meeting I was even more sure of it because it confirmed what I already knew. Of course we already discussed our goals and dreams with each other, and of course they are the same. If they weren't, I wouldn't be so sure about it as I am now that this relationship is going to work out. And that is exactly WHY I'm willing to have a bit more patience before I'll do some moving to be with him. Just because I'm sure of the long term potential and how this relationship definitely fits with my goals and dreams.

 

And yes superfox, of course the ultimate goal is (for me) to move to be together. It's not like I'm planning to have a LDR like this for 10 more years.

[OptomisticGirl]

I suppose as well as having the same goals there has to be a long term plan to move to be together at some point in the future? I admre those that can do it though, I hooked up with an old bf a couple of years ago, he was now living 6 hours from me. The logistics of trying to organize the trip to see him was a nightmare and I gave up, guess I wasn't that into him after all.

 

Most def, especially if Countries are involved. My fiancé was actually moving here to begin with but I decided it made more sense for us and our future to move there.

[superfox]

Most def, especially if Countries are involved. My fiancé was actually moving here to begin with but I decided it made more sense for us and our future to move there.

 

Fabulous, you are going to love it here!

 

One more thing, sorry to butt into this thread, my bf lives an hour away and we do have concrete plans for the future but he was recently ill with an emergency and due to my work and childcare I couldn't get to his hospital. It was an absolute nightmare, me worrying and him needing me. I can't imagine how it must be for those of you with greater distances. An hour away for me was like another continent that day. How do you cope in situations like that?

[ibu]

Fabulous, you are going to love it here!

 

One more thing, sorry to butt into this thread, my bf lives an hour away and we do have concrete plans for the future but he was recently ill with an emergency and due to my work and childcare I couldn't get to his hospital. It was an absolute nightmare, me worrying and him needing me. I can't imagine how it must be for those of you with greater distances. An hour away for me was like another continent that day. How do you cope in situations like that?

 

I have yet to go through an emergency like that and I hope I don't in the near future, but I imagine it's going to be a complete nightmare, that's for sure. If it was really a serious emergency I'd hop on the first plane there....

[superfox]

I have yet to go through an emergency like that and I hope I don't in the near future, but I imagine it's going to be a complete nightmare, that's for sure. If it was really a serious emergency I'd hop on the first plane there....

I hope you never need to! x

Oh, and for the record, I've made it up to him

[OptomisticGirl]

Fabulous, you are going to love it here!

 

One more thing, sorry to butt into this thread, my bf lives an hour away and we do have concrete plans for the future but he was recently ill with an emergency and due to my work and childcare I couldn't get to his hospital. It was an absolute nightmare, me worrying and him needing me. I can't imagine how it must be for those of you with greater distances. An hour away for me was like another continent that day. How do you cope in situations like that?

 

I have never dealt with an emergency of that magnitude. L has been sick before and it kills me to be so far away and jot be able to take care of him and vice versa. Like today, he wasn't feeling well and it breaks my heart but I know in a year and a half I'll be there. We did have to deal with a postponed wedding in Feb which def tested The communication of our relationship since it was postponed due to things outside our control.

[superfox]

I have never dealt with an emergency of that magnitude. L has been sick before and it kills me to be so far away and jot be able to take care of him and vice versa. Like today, he wasn't feeling well and it breaks my heart but I know in a year and a half I'll be there. We did have to deal with a postponed wedding in Feb which def tested The communication of our relationship since it was postponed due to things outside our control.

 

I remember reading about that OG and I bloody admire the way you dealt with it, it can't have been easy but it must have strengthened both your relationship and how he percieves you, i.e., not a screaming harpy! It's going to be great