somegirl30 Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 I'm concerned that my boyfriend may only be using me for sex. We have had sex and I can be naughty in bed. He loves it and says he has never been with a "naughty" woman before and says it's very exciting to him. We sometimes text dirty messages and I have sent him one dirty pic. I like talking about sex and sharing those things with him, but I get concerned b/c sometimes when we are talking about other things he will turn the topic to something sexual. This has made me uncomfortable before. I have told him that I love sharing my naughty side with him and I'm glad he enjoys it, but that there is more to me than that. He says that he's falling in love with me. We have had a couple of conflicts and have worked them out...after one I texted him saying I barely slept that night and he said he didn't sleep well, either (due to us having a conflict) and that he had been crying over it. Sometimes I really do think he cares for me...but why does he talk about sex so much? Should I be concerned? Link to comment
BriarRose Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Just because he is uber sexually attracted to you and loves sex with you, certainly doesn't mean he is using you or doesn't love you. I would try to not worry about this.... I mean, you are able to have other adult conversations with him, right? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 I think it's good that he is so attracted to you but as with any conversation topic, if you want to change the topic he should at least respect that and be willing to talk about things you want to talk about and vice versa. I'd be careful about getting defensive about "there is more to me". Do you have a lot in common? Is it possible you've been feeling a bit uncomfortable about how early on you started having sex, so that you're ultrasensitive to how much you talk about it? And, I'd stop sending him any pictures you don't want to see on Facebook or similar. Link to comment
d24 Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 i think what she's saying is that she feels when she has other adult conversations with him he turns the topic back to sex, or makes sexual references because of it. it's an immature thing to do, and if he's young he'll get over it... but I honestly would be a little concerned. Set him a test, a date or something, where you try not to be 'naughty' in any way and see how many times this happens. That should give you the answer as to whether you need to talk to him about his conversational skills, and consider if it truly does run deeper than that Link to comment
FathomFear Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 A few things: 1) I'd get over the idea that being highly sexual is "naughty". This is a double-standard typically speaking as the label tends to only be directed at women. Guys who like sex in lots of fun positions = studs. Women who like the same = naughty. It's a very dangerous mindset. 2) It sounds like he has a high sex drive. Frankly, there would be many other signs if he were just "using you for sex". If you feel he constantly turns every conversation back to sex, I would just be open with him about your feelings. It just sounds like he needs to learn that all good things come in moderation, and he needs to mentally shift gears away from sex when needed. Link to comment
swampyankee Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 This scenario sounds familiar to me. My gf has a friend who "dated" a guy that acted very similar. The relationship you describe and how he acts toward you is exactly how this guy treated our friend. When it came to problems between them you could tel by his attitude he had no intention of working thru issues and had no emotional investment in the relationship. He was only there for the "fun" parts, and when it got too complicated for him he bailed and left her hanging. Definitely a user. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Set him a test, a date or something, where you try not to be 'naughty' in any way and see how many times this happens. That should give you the answer as to whether you need to talk to him about his conversational skills, and consider if it truly does run deeper than that a problem with this is that it sounds like a trap. if the two of them typically talk about sex a lot when they are together, and suddenly she 'changes the rules' on him, she might get ticked off when he goes back to what he usually talks about. My question is - how does he react when you share other things about yourself? your life, problems, work, etc....? does he seem genuinely concerned about you? what if you got sick, do you think he would show up and bring you some soup and DVDs? but i do agree overall - you want to have more to your conversations than sex talk. Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 d24 has a good comment but I think the OP has concerns that are deeper than his conversational skills. I think she is circling around the whole idea: Can a woman be "naughty" in bed and still retain a man's respect and adoration? This is a valid question especially with a young guy in the throes of his first "naughty" lover experience. Because you are not as prim and proper as his previous gfs, I think there could be a danger that he begins to apply a different set of behaviors with you. The old saying is that every man wants a woman who can be "a wh*re in bed and a lady outside it" but the reality, as you are finding, is more complicated. Some men have it hard wired in their brains that a woman who enjoys sexual abandon in bed is truly not much of a lady. As a result, their attitude towards them in normal conversation begins to display these warning signs. Perhaps you are right to keep an eye on this tendency with your guy and address it if he continues to slip. Link to comment
somegirl30 Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 This is what I'm a little worried about. This man is in his late 30's, but was married for a long time so hasn't had a lot of sexual partners. I am surprised by some of the things he has told me and it makes me wonder what other women do act like in bed... (He had never been with a woman that talks or makes much noise, etc.) He does show concern for me and we do talk of other things, however. But I do sometimes wonder if he really cares for me and respects me. Sometimes I feel like I should try not to be so "naughty." But then again, maybe I'm worried for nothing... Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 A few things: 1) I'd get over the idea that being highly sexual is "naughty". This is a double-standard typically speaking as the label tends to only be directed at women. Guys who like sex in lots of fun positions = studs. Women who like the same = naughty. It's a very dangerous mindset. 2) It sounds like he has a high sex drive. Frankly, there would be many other signs if he were just "using you for sex". If you feel he constantly turns every conversation back to sex, I would just be open with him about your feelings. It just sounds like he needs to learn that all good things come in moderation, and he needs to mentally shift gears away from sex when needed. 1) I do not think she is using "naughty" in a judgmental way but rather to mean "sexual charged and bold". Think of the current crop of Halloween costumes for young ladies: naughty nurse, naughty policeman, naughty school teacher..... the list goes on and on. The use of naughty merely means "vaaavooom" but with or without the labeling, you are right to acknowledge the existence of a double standard between the sexes in regards to sexually open behavior. Women can be judged by a harsher set of societal rules. 2) I think the bf's behavior is not just a high sex drive. Many young men have been raised on a steady diet of porn and men's magazines. They can be conditioned to see a hot encounter devoid of interpersonal connection. If he is starting to view his gf as his wild porn fantasies come to life then, yes, she needs to educate him that she is more than just a release for him. High sex drive is the great male excuse for all kinds of insensitive behavior towards women. It disguises a tendency for some men to view sex as disposable where, yes, the woman can run the risk of just being used for sex. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 is making noises during sex all it takes to make a woman naughty??? when you talk about other things (your career, political issues, etc...) do you get the sense he takes you seriously? Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 First, you have to be yourself and express yourself, so don't try to be less 'naughty' for any reason. Next, guys who are using someone for sex have a pretty clear pattern. They try to maximize time in bed and minimize time out of bed. That translates to he doesn't want to spend much time with you out of bed. He may schedule dates very late rather than doing things that don't involve getting straight to sex, so will show up late in the evening after dinner, not take you out much, not talk to you much unless he is arranging to hook up for sex. You will discover over time that your time together eventually devolves into his only calling you for booty calls or sexual texts or phone sex etc. He doesn't really care what you are doing or what you are thinking/feeling since his goal is only to use you for sex, and doesn't want to spend time with you unless it involves sex. He also won't take you out to meet his friends or family, won't talk about future plans much, won't spend a lot of time with you in general, always turns the conversation to sex rather than asking about you and how your day went etc. So he will try to avoid being with you other than for sexual purposes, and doesn't express much interest in you, your life, or talking to you about anything else. Link to comment
Jd1983 Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 How long have you been together? Do you do things together that doesn't involve the bedroom? Does he try to get to know you on a deeper level aside from sex? Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 I agree with everything listed, gosh LD, you really know our playbook. lol. However, who would spend time with a guy like that? The much more common situation is a guy who is giving you just "enough" time, attention, love and interest to keep the sex coming. These players are more adept at finding the "sweet spot" in a situation which allows them get great sex yet still only give the bare minimum required to keep the dream alive. Just when she is thinking about ending it, he sends flowers, goes to the family event, makes the romantic gesture. This allows the woman to point to those incidents as the "real him" and that he is just too shy, too busy, too complicated to be more consistent. Do not believe it. He has you on drip feed and knows it. Link to comment
somegirl30 Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 This is helpful. He calls and/or texts me daily including sometimes very sweet non-sexual texts. We do talk about and do things other than sex... I can just tell he really likes talking about sex, and I do as well, but I just want to make sure we talk about other things, too. He has asked me how I would feel about porn, has asked me what acters I would have sex with and told me which actresses he would have sex with. This made me a little uncomfortable. And it's more than I just make noise. I am fun & exciting in bed. Tomorrow we are planning to meet to go out and will not be able to have sex... and it was he who initiated the date. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 ^^ Well it sounds like you're doing fine then.... i wouldn't worry about it at all as long as he does things with you that show you he likes spending time with you beyond the bedroom. Link to comment
oldenoughtoknow Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 If he is otherwise loving and attentive to things outside the bedroom, I don't think you have anything to worry about. He cried after an argument. That says a lot. Even if he didn't really do it, admitting to it and showing that vulnerability to anyone is a tough one for most guys. You said he said he'd never been with a 'naughty' woman before. I think that's it. He's a kid in a new candy superstore, and can't stop talking about it. I think, as he gets used to this uncharted relational fringe benefit, he'll calm down to a more normal or balanced pattern of conversation. BTW, pat yourself on the back - it sounds like you've properly driven this guy bonkers. Good GF, happy BF. Link to comment
somegirl30 Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 Well, I went ahead and talked to him about this. I told him it was bothering me and told him that when he talks about sex so often it makes me wonder if that's all he wants. He assured me that it's not all he wants. We did have sex early. He told me he hadn't planned on having sex that early and that if I want to hold off on sex we could. I told him I didn't think we should do that. We're supposed to go out tomorrow and hopefully the weather doesn't keep us from it. Link to comment
dramallama Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 I would be concerned and uncomfortable about this as well. In relationships I would be very much enjoy sexual relationships with my partner but if they constantly turned the conversation to sex, it would make me feel like an object and that they only appreciate one aspect of myself - that everything else, my intelligence, personality and other traits are irrelevant. That they don't want to know me as a whole, only the part that makes THEM happy. (And I would like to keep my boyfriend sexually happy, but there is more to a relationship than that. I don't want to feel used.) Link to comment
somegirl30 Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 I would be concerned and uncomfortable about this as well. In relationships I would be very much enjoy sexual relationships with my partner but if they constantly turned the conversation to sex, it would make me feel like an object and that they only appreciate one aspect of myself - that everything else, my intelligence, personality and other traits are irrelevant. That they don't want to know me as a whole, only the part that makes THEM happy. (And I would like to keep my boyfriend sexually happy, but there is more to a relationship than that. I don't want to feel used.) I told him that while I am glad he enjoys my "naughty" side that I hope he realizes there is more to me and I hope he wants to get to know those parts of me, too. He said he wants to know all of me.... Link to comment
TidalWave Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Just a hint, remember a talk is just talk, you gotta see them walk before you believe them ;-) Link to comment
sweetpea03 Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I told him that while I am glad he enjoys my "naughty" side that I hope he realizes there is more to me and I hope he wants to get to know those parts of me, too. He said he wants to know all of me.... It's good that he said this, but watch for what he actually does. Actions speak louder than words... Link to comment
somegirl30 Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 Well, ever since I talked to him about this (just yesterday) he hasn't said anything sexual. But the thing is I WANT to talk about some sexual stuff. But I don't want to send mixed signals. I want to talk about it, just not all the time! Is it ok if I talk about it or should I hold off? I wanna send him a dirty text, lol. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Please hold off especially on the dirty texts -you can't see tone in a text or the person and it will seem cheap and more importantly confusing to him -what are your priorities here- a cheap thrill or showing some restraint for the best interests of the long term? Link to comment
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