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Back together!

tillyy

By tillyy
in Getting Back Together

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tillyy Rookie

tillyy

Posted
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So, we're back together again I won’t go into every single detail (although it's probably still going to be long, sorry!) as I never posted my original story here because just from reading other threads, I got so annoyed by people telling others to just 'move on', which I think is wrong to tell someone since you don't know what may happen & just by reading what they have told you, you can't make huge judgements like that either but anyway I'll break it down to make it short (I realise it’s not at all, oops)...

 

We were together long distance for about 2 years, he ended it & a lot of nasty bitter things were said from both sides but had I found this forum back then, I would've handled things a lot differently on my side. There was no one else involved, it just wasn't working; there was a lack of communication & we both had personal issues of our own we needed to sort out. I begged & did the usual, said we could sort it all whilst remaining together etc. We remained in contact chatting online every day for about 3 months until we had a silly argument one day & ended up having no contact for 4 months (not my choice) I completely let it take over me, stayed inside all day, crying etc but still had hope & somehow just knew we would be together again one day so I didn't give up on that. He broke the no contact after we'd had those 4 months to cool down & we started seeing each other again in person (as friends) after chatting online for about a month, we did so for about 4 months until he asked me back out again, of course I was delighted & said yes.

 

To cut it short, I hadn't sorted myself out in all this time, instead I was at home moping about & didn’t work on any of the problems on my side that had caused the relationship to end. Of course, I could be fine & without realising, to him it seemed like I had sorted things out but after a while we began to creep back into our old ways because I hadn't. We lasted another 2 years until he ended it again because he couldn't take it anymore. I knew I should've been working on these problems but became more & more clingy instead as I realised it was all going to happen again but instead, this time I worked on myself from day one. I wrote a list of everything I wanted & needed to do & promised myself I wouldn't act like I had last time & wouldn't let it take over my life. Of course, I still cried & got upset every day but I was working on myself in the mean time & doing things to keep myself occupied because whatever I was doing, I knew this was the only man I wanted to marry & if it wasn't to happen then I was happy never marrying at all. I also believed we would be together again someday despite him telling me he didn't love me anymore, that I'd find someone else & that we couldn't be together again...all the usual stuff that the dumper tends to say but for some reason, I just felt we would & this was the only person I wanted to be with. I remember reading on another thread how someone felt his ex would be his wife one day, even if it took years & they saw other people in between & I can't explain it but I know exactly what he meant.

 

I don't believe in the whole NC thing, since it seems more like a game to me & I know for one that if I'd have done that, he's the kind of person to think I just didn't care anymore so I think people need to be their own judge on that & what they should do. We chatted every day online for the first couple of weeks still, although I still tried to give him space & at times appeared offline to make it look like I was doing other things if I didn’t happen to actually be doing so & it helped to give him that space I knew he needed. We slowly went from speaking every day to every few & then once a week or 2 weeks but if I was online, I'd always make sure I appeared as away so he knew he could say something if he wanted since we've always done that as we know the other would get the message at some point anyway & I didn't feel bad for not saying anything to him first since I was set as away. We didn't see each other in person for 2 months but did when we arranged for me to pick some things up. We started to chat every few days again online from then on & saw each other at weekends. I never mentioned getting back together but I would rather have been friends & let him see the good changes in myself than not have seen him at all. I was still expecting it to be at least a year before we would have gotten back together & was prepared to wait that long or longer for someone I want to spend the rest of my life with (of course I'd gone through the thoughts of what if he starts seeing someone else etc but there was no point torturing myself on what ifs so I forced myself to stop thinking those things). I was just happy to be friends rather than nothing at all. We carried on seeing each other at weekends for about 2 months until one day he told me he could see I'd changed & liked the person I had become again & asked me back out. I said I would think about it but I think we both knew I'd say yes anyway but he'd hurt me a lot & I wasn't about to let it happen again. We had a long talk & spoke about everything that had gone wrong before & how we both wanted things to be & have been together a few months again since & it's going great & I think one of the main reasons is because we're looking at it as a new relationship & not just getting back together. We've spoken about marriage & kids & truly understand each other now & are both so happy but I know it wouldn't have worked if either of us hadn’t worked out our personal issues & I do think that it all happened a lot quicker than it would for most but who knows, anything can happen!

 

Sorry it's gotten a bit long, I shall stop & feel free to message me if you like.

 

A few key things before I end completely, though...

 

- If nothing's changed, it's not going to work and you will just fall back into your old ways. Trust me, I found out the hard way & no matter how quickly you want your ex back, it may be better to give it that little more time if you think things wouldn’t be quite just right yet.

 

- He said he never stopped loving me in the first place so it's true, don't take everything to heart that's said in the heat of the moment.

 

- By the second time we split up, we were no longer in a LDR so I think that helped.

 

- I've seen people say "It's already been 4 months & we're not back together, I give up!" If you want to spend the rest of your life with this person then even a couple of years wouldn't be too long. Just don't sit waiting for it to happen & continue with your life & whatever may happen. If you feel it's too long then perhaps you don't really want to be with this person as much as you think. I mean, you don't study for a degree for a few years to take the career path you want for the rest of your life, only to give up when you don't find a job immediately so why give up on another lifelong dream immediately?

 

- None of us saw anyone else while we were apart.

 

- A lot of forums & posts online I found, couples had split up numerous times before getting back together & most went on to marry. One particular thread on a marriage forum was someone asking how many times, if any had others broken up before marrying, they all had at least once apart from a few who'd been together less than a year (not long enough to marry imo anyway) and my guess is that those who don't have a big argument or break up before marrying will struggle or give up on their marriage entirely when they do happen to. I'd much rather break up before & sort things out rather than thinking an entire marriage was over & falling at the first hurdle when having that first real argument together. I know some couples never break up but just because you do, it doesn’t mean it’s over for good.

 

- Getting back together happens more often than you think, just take a look at the huge thread about it on the forums. I myself have posted a fair few examples along with others. After all, it's not going to happen if you just give up right away & simply say move on.

 

- Just because you've broken up, doesn't mean you're not meant to be together, sometimes it's just not the right time.

 

- and lastly, there is no such thing as false hope since hope doesn't come with a guarantee anyway so don't let anyone tell you otherwise - anything can happen, there is always a chance, just remember to stay positive!

 

So there you have it, I always promised myself I would come back and write my story when it happened because I truly believed it would & it helped cheer me up a lot when I read other peoples so I hope my story cheers at least one person up.

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GotMyLifeBack Collaborator

GotMyLifeBack

Posted
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Thanks for coming back and sharing your wonderful story. I really appreciate your insights and experiences. I think the fact that neither of you saw anyone else while you were apart is huge. Once an ex gets involved with someone else, there's a whole other set of luggage to unpack to try to pull off reconciliation.

 

None of us saw anyone else while we were apart.

 

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guiltyflood Enthusiast

guiltyflood

Posted
Posted

This is truly a fantastic story. It's been over a year since my BU, but I'm at a stage where I have the power to go LC with my ex (I emailed her about 3 weeks ago, and she responded very favorably and upbeat). I have been debating whether or not to go LC and continue emailing, but your story is very uplifting, and I think I will send her another favorable email tonight! Thanks for sharing!!

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kennyc90 Collaborator

kennyc90

Posted
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Great story!

 

I do agree that if you really love that person, then you are willing to be patient for as long as it takes to get back together. Kinda like moving on with your life, improving yourself, while keeping the love you have with that person right? I'm actually in that same situation. I honestly think I found the person I actually truly love and I'm willing to wait for as long as it takes, but at the same time I'm open to flings here and there. Also, you could even find another potential partner along the way! Of course most people don't want to think like that, but like you said, anything is possible.

 

Me and my ex really need time and space away from each other and I'm respecting that. I think NC is appropriate depending on your situation. My ex actually wanted to go NC so I can't force her to keep in touch with me when she doesn't want to. I believe that time changes attitudes. It always does in most cases. LC is good too if your ex still wants to talk to you. You just have to control yourself and talk to your ex in a very kindly manner and not pressure or force her into doing things she doesn't want. Like in your case, over time your ex will see your changes and will start to change their mind about you. If there was real love in the relationship, then the relationship doesn't always have to be over for good UNLESS someone cheated or physically abused. NC is great for most people because it helps them improve among themselves and keep away from doing anything stupid to push their ex back.

 

Just my 2 cents

 

Anyways, this is a great story for people who have hope like me and I'm sure a lot of people here as well.

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TSandullo Collaborator

TSandullo

Posted
Posted

tillyy,tillyy,tillyy!

 

Many congratulations to the both of you. Wishing you both all the best.

 

I am gonna come back one day and fight you on the points mentioned about moving on, but for now I'm just gonna chuck the confetti.

 

Really happy for the both of you.

 

All the best.

 

TS

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tillyy Rookie

tillyy

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Posted

Thanks everyone!

 

MasterPo - I got a lot like that, too and only came on to read what I could see would be positive threads and posts in the end. After all, I didn't need any more negativity in my life.

 

ToF - Glad you found the little tips helpful. They're what I've learned either from reading on here or from my experiences so it's only fair to share.

 

GotMyLifeBack - I agree. If he had started to see someone else, I'm really not sure where we would be now so I'm thankful for that although I have seen reconciliations where either has gone on to have a relationship with someone else, only to realise they're everything their ex wasn't and then realise they want their ex back.

 

guiltyflood - As long as things are looking up and she's upbeat then there's no reason to hold yourself back, good luck!

 

kennyc90 - I totally agree. Some people won't be able to work things out and will just say things they shouldn't whilst remaining in contact but like we've both said, I think people need to be their own judge on this and not stick to the rule people seem to make.

 

TSandullo - Hehe, I know a lot of people wouldn't agree with me on that but everyone has their own opinion, I just feel like it shouldn't be forced upon someone, making them give up so easily.

 

Anyway, I'm glad it helped some of you and I hope you all get your happy ending, too! and I shall be sure to keep checking back and perhaps if I ever get anymore great news, I shall post that as well but for now I won't push my luck, I'm incredibly happy with what I have

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tunnelsunshine Apprentice

tunnelsunshine

Posted
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!!!! So glad you posted this, I've been struggling on the decision to move on or to stay, though I dont really think I can. But like you said, months isnt all that long to wait when you really love someone. Its made me feel a lot better about my decision to stick around though he doesnt know whats going to happen. A month ago he was saying he had every intention of working on us..we've gotten to be a lot closer and open with one another like we used to be and now he is saying he doesnt know. Im a little confused by the switch seeing as we've been getting better. I assume that he is just scared that we might revert back to the same old same old and lose our friendship by getting back together. Hes seen that Ive been making changes, and Im awesome at communicating my feelings now !!! Which was a huge issue for us. So hopefull with a little perserverenace, determination and space...itll work

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  • 2 weeks later...
askltk Rising Star

askltk

Posted
Posted

Great story - and it's even better knowing that you did this by still being friends and not going NC! I too would rather her be a friend that not at all, so am inspired by your post, in that things can re-develop whilst still being in contacted!

 

Congratulations to you both!

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 2 months later...
MrBrightside15 Enthusiast

MrBrightside15

Posted
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So awesome to hear that you got back together without going NC. I haven't been going NC either. The longest I've gone without talking to her is about 10 days, although that did result in her contacting me. Right now we're pretty much in LC. My problem is that this LC has been going so well, that it gets me excited and I want to talk to her everyday. I've learned enough by now not to do that, but those days when I can't talk to her are tough. Or days when I'd planned on talking to her end up not happening - those are REALLY tough. Everyone says just have patience. There's no doubt in my mind that eventually we'll be back together - our relationship was too great to not give it a second chance. I just hope it's sooner rather than later

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