Active Approach VS Passive Approach

[chai714]

Ok. Now, I know most people here want to get back with their ex. I'm not ashamed to say I am one of them. This forum is filled with people who would swear that NC works. I agree, it might work to help you heal up. I wouldn't know yet though, because I'm deeply hurt right now.

 

But what about those people out there who want to take an ACTIVE approach to working things out? Is there no active approach that works? C'mon, there are millions of people out there, I'm sure somebody has some sort of idea to take an active stance and work things out. There HAS to be a way. Call it magic, call it whatever you want, but there MUST be some sort of way. What are your thoughts?

[ang3l2004]

That is a very interesting question,Though I cant answer it I would like to know peoples opinions and outlooks on this because I know what you must be going through trust me I am there to ! good luck with everything Pm me anytime you need someone to talk to

[TheDoctor]

Chai do us all a favor and call your ex and get it over with. Your giving people advice you shouldnt be giving, your makine 4 posts a second about this subject when we all told you what you should do. If you feel you should shed your emotions go ahead. But stop flipping out my man. What your failing to realize is this; through NC you get time to spend with yourself and she does to herself so both of you can realize if you want to move on or not. This is what you need to do and figure out if you want to let go or not. You dont know yet because you havent given the damn thing a chance. You can cry, stress ALL YOU WANT. Just stop stressin about the NC. Be strong..dont ask why and NO active ways exsist at this point imo that will take care of the business. If talking things out maturely would solve it you wouldnt be here in the 1st place.

[TheDoctor]

AND lastly I forgot to say, this NC business isnt just for her. IT'S FOR YOU TOO! I cant wait till in 2 months you come back to this forum and sound like this," I cant believe the things I put up with in that relationship..I cant believe that was me"

[lady00]

deleted.

[Beec]

Is there an active approach? Yes. It is called seduction. But it really requires one to be unemotional and almost cold-blooded to be done to the full extent. When you are hurting and cannot control your emotions, stay away. When you can really, really control them, maybe you can get active. But you may also need to learn a thing or two.

 

And for all the NC advocates, who want people to think that they will come back if you just stay away, you also better think about why they left. If they left because they had issues with the relationship, what will make them think things will be better if they come back. If you think NC will bring you to the idea that you are better off without them, it might. Bring them back, possible.

[TheDoctor]

Beec to be honest...I agree. You dont leave NC situations assuming theyll come back. I left because I needed to get my state of mind back together.

[Beec]

Beec to be honest...I agree. You dont leave NC situations assuming theyll come back. I left because I needed to get my state of mind back together.

 

You needing to get your head straight is a good reason for NC. One of the best if they interfere with your getting your head in the right place.

[Beec]

Jyebo,

 

You need do occasionally do things outside your normal m.o. If you are usually serious act like a kid. If you are normally a planner, appear spontaneuos. If you usually like missionary in bed in a nice gentle manner, come home and take her doggy on the living room floor. If you never do it in the morning, refuse to get out of bed on weekend until you have her for breakfast. If and when she asks why, tell her because you felt like it.

 

Bringing her flowers on Valentines Day is predictable. Walking past a grocery store that sells them at 10:00 p.m. and buying them on impulse is not.

 

At the same time, you need to occasionally give her a cold sholder or brood or be silent if you talk, talk if you are a quiet type.

 

Don't always be the same guy who gets out of bed, takes his shower, eats a bowl of cherios, goes to work or school and puts in his time, then comes home to watch TV. We get in ruts, we follow routine. Shake your up if only for the reason that you want her guessing what he is up to.

 

Do things on impulse. Plan things but make a big deal out of it being a secret.

 

You need to do things that are unpredicable to keep her OR HIM excited.

 

This goes for women too. If you like girly flicks, rent the war movie, followed by the soft core porn or not. Fix a dinner stick it in basket and take him for a picnic in the evening. Go learn about football or baseball, join a fantasy league and then surprise him when you want to watch. Wake him up to play golf on a Saturday with a tee time reserved.

 

Ladies used to being all prim and proper, reach over and smoke him on the way home one night or remove your panties, hike up your skirt and have him watch you in a little self-service.

 

Is that what you were asking?

 

The next question is how do you show this to an ex you want back. Same answer, do things and have them find out you are that they would not expect, and that would have wanted to do with you. Take up golf, if the ex plays and call and ask them to join the foursome when you can play ok. Join a fantasy league in his sport and ask for his advice on players or trades. Fella, learn how to cook and then ask her if she thinks something is an okay substitution. See an old movie or read a book they'd like and call them to rave about it. Does that help?

 

 

 

Beec

[Beec]

Yes, you keep this up your entire life. It's not an every day thing and you don't need to do each of them every month.

 

Say once this year, you decide to molest her instead of watching Monday night football. Pick a night in October she is going to be a bit late, maybe arrange for that, have her come in with the game being on, and when she walks in the room, off goes the TV, here is the nice little dinner by candlelight on the coffee table, and her naked on the floor afterward. File that one away, and don't pull it out for another year or two.

 

Next month, plan and let her know you are planning and keep secret a sleigh or hayride.

 

Then go the other way, and give her two presents late on Christmas night, her some hot, dirty lingerie, and you with mistletoe in your navel.

 

Then leave her high and dray for January, followed by two different things in February.

 

If you are always coming up with something once in a while to make her feel great, and withdrawing sometimes, then she will be made to feel special. If you pull the same one every first Wednesday of the month, it gets boring. Build up and keep building up a repetoire.

[Day_Walker]

Take a step back from your situation and look at it as if a friend was telling you the same information, would your point of view be different or the same? Doc is right the NC is time away from eachother were you both can grow/find out the person you are. Take a step back and look at the situation with a clear head, from the looks of things thats gonna take you some time because from your previous posts you seem to have come on way too strong. From the looks of things you need to analyze some stuff about your self and come to a conclusion before you act any further.

[Beec]

Well don't go rush at her like a mad bull. I wrote analogized chasing your woman to chasing a dog a few days ago (No insults intended). When you want to grab the dog by the collar, and run after it and chasing it is not a good move. Every time you run, it runs away.

 

Walking up close to it. Then acting friendly, non-threatening, and scratchings its ears is the way. But the first time you walk clsoe, the dog is going to be nervous, it does not want it's ears scratched by you because it think you will grab it by the collar. So sometimes, you have to get fairly close, then walk away as if you did not notice the dog. Then come back the next few days, and suddenly the dog lets you come clsoe and you can scratch. You walk over and scratch every third time you see it, then it thinks of you as a friend and comes looking for you to scratch it.

 

If you read the Art of Seduction, the first How to chapter would addrss this calling it "approach indirectly", and you should.

 

A short while of some NC is not a bad idea, so you can regroup.

[DaniNYC21]

Well, it's my opinion that being active doesn't really work out well. This person who ended things with you has made up their mind or at least need the space to decide if their mind is made up. Hearing you cry or try to talk them back into the relationship will only make them more withdrawn from you. When my ex broke up with my I took an extremely active approach. I still called him all the time...cried...and even begged. With every phone call he became more and more cruel which in turn made me more depressed. I finally had enough of the torture and went the NC way. No, I never got him back but I did get myself back. I don't cry every day over this man...or torture myself wondering what he is doing. I moved on with my life as best I could. I still miss him but every day it gets a little bit better. Do I still want him back? Unfortunately, after 8 months of being apart I still want him back. But it no longer consumes me and eventually he'll fade away all together.

[Beec]

 

When my ex broke up with my I took an extremely active approach. I still called him all the time...cried...and even begged.

 

Dani,

 

I would not be surpirsed that this kind of behavior got you nowhere. Begging and pleading for someone to take you back or stay with you, is very anti-seductive behavior. It's one of the best ways to ensure that they never want to come back.

 

But there is more than one way to have an active approach. An active approach that played to his emotions and feelings, while acting like you had fewer for him would have been much more likely to succeed.

 

Think about this. You go out to two parties and meet two different guy.

 

One guy comes up to you and hits on you and is relentlessly trying to be direct in picking you up, and he gets how far? Probably not very. How much would he improve his chances if he said "Come on hey baby, please give me a chance I fell in love with you at first sight"? His chances are probably slipping.

 

While the guy who comes up and talks and flirts and really acts like he is trying to have fun and get to know you, while not trying to get you, he gets much further. Maybe he gets a date for next week, maybe not. But you were ot trying to get away from him.

 

Trying to get someone back is different, but not too different.

[DaniNYC21]

I agree with you and I believe that my posts stated that crying and begging for someone to take you back could never work. The key to getting someone back is indifference. When someone sees that you are okay without them and that you have moved on that can destroy them more than anything. When someone breaks up with you they most likely believe that you are sitting in your room crying over them every day. However, we also must understand that when you are broken up with you feel extremely hurt and betrayed. I have never been the type of woman that would beg anyone never mind him. However, you often stop thinking clearly and this is where we ofen make our mistakes.

[hazlcha]

Chai, you said "there's got to be a way." Don't mean to sound so direct, but not necessarily. The ONLY thing you control is yourself. You can at best INFLUENCE your ex. Whatever approach you take, don't do more than your best, because if it doesn't succeed, you'll either get desparate and show desparation (BIG turnoff) or, worse, bitter, and then YOU lose, because no one should be a bitter person.

[chai714]

Chai, you said "there's got to be a way." Don't mean to sound so direct, but not necessarily. The ONLY thing you control is yourself. You can at best INFLUENCE your ex. Whatever approach you take, don't do more than your best, because if it doesn't succeed, you'll either get desparate and show desparation (BIG turnoff) or, worse, bitter, and then YOU lose, because no one should be a bitter person.

 

I basically wanted to get other peoples thoughts on taking an active approach. Like Beec said, when both parties exercise NC, NOTHING can happen. I've been doing well today . . i'm less emotional than last week. I'm sad, but slowly getting better. My goal is to heal myself A.S.A.F.P. Anyhow, birthday is tomorrow so I gotta take advantage and have a good time with some friends. As per past posts, I do not expect nor do I want my ex to call - yet anyways. I gotta get myself back to normal, then I will make my move - after consulting Beec, cause he's the man when it comes to this stuff.

[lilajane]

Beec, u r a genius! I love it when a man does things out of the ordinary

[alphonsefa]

Chai,

 

My Ex came back to me 2 times and tried for a third time, but I didn't quite play the chase game the way she expected, and she pulled away. Some 6 months later at Christmas time, having been what I thought was healed, I stopped to talk to her. She was a cold B! Amazing being this came from a girl that once called me the greatest guy in the world, and admitted that I treated her and her daughter better than anyone ever has. She always initiated the breakups and every single time that I attempted to re-establish contact, even months later, she would blow it up in my face and make me feel horrible again; even after I was convinced I was over her and could just talk to her un-emotionally. The only way I was ever able to get her attention was to act INDIFFERENT towards her. Let her be Chai, she knows how to contact you if she changes her mind. She's going to just keep hurting you the more you pursue her.

 

Forget about the BS about the NC being about healing yourself. I never bought into that bunk myself and took a different view of it. In fact, if it's someone you truly loved, you'll never really get over them, even though you may find yourself happy in a new relationship. Those feelings can be rekindled in the snap of a finger, eve 20 years later with no contact at all with someone). The 20 year thing happened to me and it was like that time never exosted. NC is the only possible way to make things work again. If she doesn't have it in her to make her way back to you then believe me,you don't want her! Someone like that will continue to hurt you because they really don't want to be in the relationship. NC is the only way to get her back, negotiations and planned encounters don't work.

[jigsaw]

I look at No Contact as a cool down period. NC has been excellent for getting my head together. The time spent away has given me strength and control over my reactive emotions to the breakup. The NC period was not done with no intention of having any impact on her, except allowing her to cool down as well.

 

I've read the books that Beec has recomended, and I think they are great. They got me out of my own skin and let me look at my situation, and my ex's situation from many different perspectives. Those different perspectives are the tools you need if you want to make an active aproach to getting your ex back.

 

There's nothing wrong with an active aproach, so long as your in control of yourself, and seeing the situation clearly. Read as much as you can, gain perspective before you do anything. Good luck to all!

[chai714]

Alpha and Jig,

 

If you look back, I started this thread about 2 years ago. Thanks for the advice though, however my ex is no longer in the picture. Everything turned out just fine for me. Life is good.