Emotional abuse?

[justaglimmer]

My guy and I have been having problems basically since we've known each other. Its a long story, I've posted about him before and since then him and I have been trying to talk things out and maybe work on things. Basically, in the beginning, I made a few wrong decisions in the time I've known him, he always wanted to date me and I was just coming out of another relationship and I just wasn't feeling it at that particular time. However, I got my head on straight, and I came back and apologized and sincerely meant my apologies and he decided to give a relationship with me a shot, because he said he'd never been more attracted to someone as he is with me and couldn't pass it up. I was thrilled and even though I wanted to take things slow, I vowed that I would be a good girlfriend to him. I really thought he was going to be the one, he seemed to be so into me and always so affectionate and caring. Fast forward 4 months later, and he's still holding resentment for the past (things that happened before we were technically a couple). He brings it up all the time and tells me that I'm going to have to just deal with it because he can't help how he feels. In my opinion, past problems should stay int the past. At first I thought it was okay, that he was just hurt by things and needed time to get over it. Well, he still keeps it up, and not only that, he finds reasons all the time to go off on me over every little thing. He puts me down alot and makes me feel inferior to him. Its went as far as him calling me names to him saying that I'm a "F*** up" and "stupid and immature". I've been walking on eggshells, he flies off over every little thing and its got to the point where I don't even leave my house unless its with him and he'll still find some reason to blow up on me. I got him a really expensive christmas gift that I gave to him early. At the time he acted like he liked it and appreciated it. Tonight he says that it was a poor choice in gifts, that he didn't even like it, and nagged me for not wrapping it, even though I paid extra to have it put in neat gift packaging and he already knew what he was getting anyway. It hurt my feelings so badly, I spent a lot of money on something very nice that most people would love, and he says it was a poor choice. He says he doesn't like the way I like to take time to get ready and wear makeup, nor does he like the way I wear form-fitted clothes. He said this was an advertisement to other guys and I was disrespecting him and disrespecting my family by wearing clothes that fit to my body. In no way do I dress in a trampy manner, but I do wear clothes that actually fit. I'm a 22 year old girly girl and he thinks that I should go bare-faced and wear loose clothes as a respect to him. I enjoy wearing makeup, its fun to me, and a little confidence booster. wearing clothes that actually FIT help me feel polished. Also, I love having some bangs (fringe) with my hair, and I have side-swept bangs that frame my eye nicely and I really like them. He'll randomly push them back and say things like "get your hair out of your face, why do you do that? I dont like that, thats stupid." He also belittles me and puts me down if my car is messy or if I forget something, even if its the smallest thing. Wow, even just typing this out helps me see things more clearly. What do you all think? Any advice would be greatly appreciated

[metrogirl]

I think you know what we would all say. He sounds like an ass, he clearly enjoys putting you down for his own pleasure. Notice how he has to nit pick every single thing about you? It doesn't stop and it doesn't get better, I can almost write the ending to your story. Men like that will continue the verbal and emotional abuse and often take it do a different level and they will most certainly blame you for their lashing out.

[MasterPo]

Sounds like control issues. Could tell you to dump him but that's up to you. Leave him for a few days when he comes back remorseful, most likely will, enrolll him in some type of couple's therapy otherwise this abuse will be your life. Some guys do this and who knows why, it just happens until someone stands up to them.

[Mephisto13]

I thought you definitely broke up?

[Mauxly]

Yep, classic emo abuse. And it won't stop. It will continue to get worse and worse until you are so confused about your own self worth that you'll be afraid to leave him. The longer you stay the more difficult this will be to leave.

Please, get out now.

[generaldiscord]

Some people just won't change. Get out there while it's still easy.

[justaglimmer]

well we did break up about a week or so ago but he came back saying that he didn't want to break up and saying that we can try to fix things and I was weak and fell back into it. Then all hell broke loose about 2 days ago when I asked him what days he had to work next week. He said that he already told me which days he works and I should have wrote it down or remembered. I kindly told him that I simply don't recall him telling me his schedule for next week and he got super pissed and hung up the phone. I really don't think he told me his schedule, he either dreamed it up or needed to find a reason to make me his punching bag that day. I bought him the new iPod Touch for christmas and he's still sending me texts today about how much he hates it and how I should have known better than to buy him something like that because he doesn't like "touch screens". I bought it for him because it does everything, gets on the internet so I figured he could use it to check his email on the run, has the "face time" app so i figured i could get one too and we could video chat when we couldn't see each other. We had went into the Apple store a few months back and he was talking about how neat he thought the "iPads" were, but they were more than I could afford so the ipod touch was a nice alternative, or so I thought. He's older than me by about 6 years so he keeps calling me "immature" and a "delinquent". He told me that he'd text me today and see how he's feeling but his first text was * * * * * ing about that ipod

[Mauxly]

^^^

Wow, dumpt this guy already. What joy does he bring to your life?

[justaglimmer]

Well he came at me today in a text saying that he would still give it a shot with me but told me that I was really unworthy of another chance. I didn't even do anything, a stupid fight stemmed from him getting angry cause he thinks I "forgot" which days he works next week. Between him saying I was unworthy and all the other mean things he's said within the last 24 hours, I told him to just forget it.. I told him that maybe its for the best we just go separate ways. He seems to be fine with that, he's said he won't ever beg me to stay. I know its for the best but it still hurts pretty bad. Especially when he seems to be so fine with losing me. He told me to just go back to my drunk ex. and he thinks I'm the immature one?

[metrogirl]

So you are unworthy of another chance but he is the one that wanted you back? It's clear to everyone of us here what he is doing to you and he will continue to do it as long as you let him.

[oasisrob22]

He sounds like an ungrateful jerk. I would be ecstatic if a girlfriend bought me an iTouch for Christmas! I have enough money to afford one myself, but hell, if a girl is willing to spend that much money on me, and do it for both of our benefits (the Facetime app is pretty cool), I would be forever grateful.

 

Tell you what. Break up with him. Take some time for yourself away from him, and re-evaluate the situation. If you think it's worth it to go to couple's counseling after a break from each other, do it. I am a big fan of "never say never" and "fighting for what you believe is right" and all that jazz.

 

But listen to me. People change, but they don't change overnight. A week of "breaking up", then him coming back saying things like "I'm so sorry sweetheart" and "I'll never do it again, promise" will not solve things one bit.

 

Take it from me. I used to get blackout drunk and verbally abuse my girlfriend. Could not remember one damn thing I said the next morning. She broke up with me the second time it happened. Granted, there were a lot of little factors (her immaturity, constant need for attention, playing mind games) on her end, but my blackout verbal abuse was the straw on the camel's back. And she said she broke up with me because she couldn't put herself in that emotional situation anymore, and that she thought the world of me and didn't want to be there to witness the drunken atrophy that I was becoming.

 

My ex and I are not on talking terms. I ignore all contact from her, because she jumped into a new relationship only a few weeks after this all happened. But I'll tell you what. The girl did me a favor. Helped me realize that verbal abuse, albeit drunk, is NOT okay.

 

Guys don't realize the consequences of their words and actions until a major action takes place, i.e. my ex-gf breaking up with me.

 

3 months later, and I am in a much better place through counseling, no contact, giving up liquor, and staying away from dating for now. I think when 2011 rolls around, it will signal a new beginning for me to go back out and start dating.

 

Anyway, I kinda rambled on there for a little while, lol. But I wanted to share my personal experience with you, and hopefully it'll help you with your decision. Feel free to PM me if you'd like, as I have been verbally abusive in the past and I know why I did what I did.

[savignon]

We can say as much as we want that "these guys don't change" when sadly the women who date them and go back to them over and over again often rarely change. It's sad all around. If you don't want to be "that girl" move in a different direction. Get yourself some counseling and figure out why you'd give someone like that the time of day, let alone date them for a long period of time and go back to them repeatedly. There's something to be resolved in you and you'd be wise to figure out what it is and heal it so that you don't tolerate that kind of abusiveness in the future.

Consider this a gift and start 2011 on a better path for yourself.

[justaglimmer]

Oasisrob22, thanks for sharing your story and congrats on accepting responsibility and having the courage to fix the problems you were having! Its nice to hear that there's still people in the world who will change their ways for the better.

 

The problem with my guy is that he doesn't see that he has a problem. He thinks he does no wrong and has never apologized for anything for as long as I've known him. I've never heard him admit to a mistake. He says that he is naturally confrontational and needs his girl to be "submissive". That statement alone set up red flags all over the place. The only reason I've stuck around this long is because I hurt him in the past and I just thought he needed time to get over it. In the beginning he was very charming and always talked about how he was "crazy over me" and how he'd never felt such strong feelings for any other girl. Suddenly that person went away and a monster emerged. I held on hoping that my prince charming would come back but no matter what I do, he's always angry with me.

 

savignon, thank you for your input as well. You're right, I have to take control of the situation and do better for myself. Its hard, especially since its the holidays, but things are just too far gone and he is placing all the blame on me.

[Mauxly]

"In the beginning he was very charming and always talked about how he was "crazy over me" and how he'd never felt such strong feelings for any other girl. Suddenly that person went away and a monster emerged. I held on hoping that my prince charming would come back but no matter what I do, he's always angry with me."

 

This was me last year. I think I literally wrote this word for word. It took a lot, a whole lot of pain and confusion. And finally a whole lot of strength. But I finally cut him out of my life for good. Blocked his phone, email, FB. No contact. And it was the best thing I've ever done.

 

Since then I've learned that the charm, and those exact words "I've never felt this way about anyone" are a huge red flag, and part of an abusers bag of tricks. They lure us in with exactly what we want to hear and then pull the old switcharoo.

 

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. But it may help you to know that he's shown you who he truly is. That old prince charming? He won't be coming back because he never really existed. It isn't him that you are breaking up with, its the monster.

 

And trust me on this, when he realizes that you are serious, he's going to switch on that charm again with ferocity you've never seen before. And you might fall for it (repeatedly, like I did). But with each cycle, the monster reappears more rapidly. He'll wear you down to a shell of your former self. You'll finally become so exhausted you'll leave for good.

 

Either way this relationship is over. The only question now is how long you'll drag out your pain.