I want to end the relationship, but my heart is telling me not to. Please help!

[sweet rhythms]

I've posted about my situation in a previous thread, but to summarize, I've been dating a guy for about seven months now and we had the talk three weeks ago. He's 32 and I'm about to turn 24. During the talk, he admitted that he's too emotionally messed up to commit to a serious relationship, even though for all intensive purposes we've been in a quasi relationship this entire time. We're monogamous, we've been on trips together, I've met all his friends, and we spend a lot of time with each other. The problem is he's been cheated on by almost all the women he's been with. He's had three serious relationships. His first was in his early 20's and he was with her for four years until he caught her in bed with his best friend. He's got tons of insecurity issues and can be very passive aggressive. He's got a narcissistic streak that I'm fairly certain is brought on by his insecurities. He's a very good looking, charming, outgoing, friendly, hilarious guy and women tend to flock to him. However, men flock to me too, and I'm much the same way as him.

 

I'm not someone who needs a boyfriend/girlfriend title. The whole purpose in my broaching the talk with him was to understand what he thought we were doing and to make sure we were on at least the same page. While it turned out that he isn't mentally capable of a serious relationship, he does have feelings for me, but he claimed he can't act on them. He knows we're in a weird, undefinable state but he doesn't want to date anyone else and although he doesn't want me to either, he also knows it would be unfair to prohibit me from finding a man who is emotionally healthy and can commit. I told him I have no interest in dating anyone else. In short, there wasn't really a resolution but I figured we could keep the status quo.

 

This past Sunday he came over to my apartment extremely drunk, and said a lot of self deprecating stuff. He kept calling himself an a**hole because he can't commit to being my boyfriend even though I'm so amazing and he should be spending every day trying to get me to be his girlfriend. He also said I deserve someone better than him and he isn't worth my time and that he'll just disappoint me and be a terrible boyfriend. He can't handle the obligations required of him in a relationship, he's jaded and doesn't know if he even believes in love or if he does, he doesn't think it'll ever happen for him because he's so emotionally messed up. He admitted to seeing a therapist on a weekly basis because he doesn't understand what's wrong with him. He knows one day I'll meet a man who can be my boyfriend but he isn't looking forward to that day at all. He isn't trying to push me away, he doesn't want me to leave but he also doesn't want to hurt me. He cares about me a lot and this was never just about sex for him, it was always about the connection we have together. At one point, he started getting choked up and pleaded with me to hold his hand. He said some other things that I won't get into, but they were comments stemming from insecurity, and I could tell he was trying to gauge the level of my feelings for him.

 

The last point I'll make is that since about two months ago, he's been talking about joining me on a girls trip out to Los Angeles for new years. We live in New York. I found it very telling that he wants to spend new years with me rather than here with his friends. After our talk on Sunday, he mentioned he still wants to spend new years with me out there.

 

I don't know what to do. My head is telling me to end it with him because he'll never want a relationship but my heart is telling me to stay with him because I've fallen for him and I know he's got strong feelings for me, too. I know this is a complicated situation, but I would really appreciate any advice.

[Shyguy20]

He seems like a weird person but he seems that he is a nice person. . .if you end it now, he'll be very dissappointed. If you stay with him he'll be happy and hopefully you'll be happy with him. What do you really want to do?

[guynextdoor]

His insecurity issues is killing what could be something very special between the two of you. Unfortunately there isn't anything you can do about it, nor does it have to do with you. Its 7 months and he can't committ? I think its time to move on.

[ForumGuy]

I was him, and you are her, in my last relationship. She ended up bailing and has maintained that she still loves me and has tried hard to keep me around for future possibilities. I won't have it because it seems futile. You may be looking at dealing with his insecurities for the duration of your relationship with him. When I see a woman on a dating site for instance, who lists "I wasnt someone who is secure"...I always think they have experienced what you are experiencing right now.

[LarsWB]

You could try, for now, a trial separation. Sometimes people just need time apart to think, sort out feelings, and miss each other. There's nothing wrong with taking a break from each other for a spell. Try it and see how it goes....try it over the NY holiday, see how you both feel after that. Some people just have a lot of emotional baggage...some have emotional self defenses that are very strong. You can't control how he feels or doesn't feel, but you can control how you react to what he's saying and doing. I'd say give him some space and time to figure it out - alone. He needs to...or every relationship he has will be tainted with his emotional baggage.

Something to think about - if you're wanting more from him, or this relationship, you might not get it. You do what will ultimately make you happy...even if it means breaking it off with him for good. See how the separation works for both of you...be ready though for the answer, good or bad. That's my opinion anyway - Wish you luck!

[preciousgirl82]

Wow...this guy seems to have great intentions with you but he really does sound like he's going through too much. Its true what people say "You have to love yourself before you can love someone else". He doesn't feel worthy of being loved right now. Granted, he has been hurt very badly but he needs to work on himself a little more. As much as you'd like to you cant stay with him just because you feel sorry for him. Those relationships never work out. If you want to end things with him just do it. Maybe down the road as he gets further into therapy he will be the man you need him to be. Right now, he wants to give you more than he's capable of and he needs space to sort himself out.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

So, he has narcissistic tendencies, women flock to him and he can't make a commitment to you even though you have made it clear you would like one. He is happier to let you go than to commit to you properly. Yep, I have seen these kinds of stories on here before, and usually the guy who does this all the while claiming he was cheated on in every single relationship...is the one who actually did the cheating. There is too much crocodile tears and no solid action. He is trying to keep you around while still maintaining his freedom to see others. Don't be so flattered that he wants to join you on New Year's..he might just want to spend time in LA. Since this is supposed to be a girl's trip then I don't see why you would agree to have him come with you if nobody else is bringing a boyfriend along. A girl's trip is a girl's trip not for dragging a boyfriend or pseudo boyfriend along. If he really wants to be with you he would do something more tangible than that...and he is not doing anything tangible. Just a bunch of empty words and sob stories. I would walk from this guy.

[Maverick1984]

One of the biggest challenges with love is the ability to leave yourself vulnerable to potentially getting hurt. In this guy's case, it was his past gf's cheating on him. If you look at it in his perspective, not only is it crushing, but something like that would make a person insecure, especially if it was one relationship after another. He's obviously begun to question whether he's actually good enough to be in a long term relationship with someone he loves, because obviously in his mind, he must feel that after a certain period of time, the girl will begin to get bored of him and secretly start dating someone else behind his back and has thus lost trust in the women he's dating.

 

I feel for the guy since he wants to love but at the same time, doesn't want to get hurt. The biggest challenge between male/female relationships is that women are predominantly emotional when it comes to stuff like this whereas men are more logical. All a man has to do is think about someone he loves and he will get aroused, whereas with a girl, it's different. So during a relationship, communication becomes a problem because if a guy simply asked his gf if 'she was ok' half the time, the girl wouldn't be able to respond properly because most of her feelings stem from her emotions and trying to explain it logically and make sense of it becomes impossible.

 

That's why when a girl cheats on a guy or when a guy finds out that she's dumping him, it becomes a surprise shock since he didn't see it coming.

The only way for this to work is if he works on himself based on what everyone else has said. He needs to make himself emotionally strong to a point where he doesn't need the love of anyone else in order to feel happy with himself.

It's a very hard challenge for someone to become this way, but for men, it's the only way to keep a relationship going.

 

The reason why it will work is because women biologically want to feel loved and looked after. So if they realise that the man they're with isn't placing as much importance on her as his self pride and personal independence, not only does that demonstrate strength, but it also shows that he can live happily without her. So her ego will start chipping away and will begin to invest more into the relationship in order to 'capture' the man she's with in the relationship.

 

The biggest problem is, once she does 'capture' him 100%. She tends to lose interest and move on to someone who's more of a challenge or ends up cheating.

I honestly don't think that a man can ever give a woman 100% of his love. That's my personal opinion.

 

The only way this will ever work is if he doesn't see a relationship as the answer to his happiness. It needs to be an extension to his happiness, so even if it's not there, he will already be happy and won't need it.

[sweet rhythms]

Thanks so much for all your advice.

 

I think I definitely need to end it, even though it's going to be so hard. I don't know what to say to him. I've never had to do this before, because I've always been on the other end of things.

 

What I don't get is what is it about the obligations of a relationship that are so difficult for him to handle? It seems even he doesn't understand what his issues are, since he's been seeing a therapist.

[damagedatbest]

I agree, I've dated this guy before. I began to see right through the sob story. It was his way of having many women on the back burner by "claiming" he just couldnt have a girlfriend right now because he just "didnt" know how. I dont buy it.

[sweet rhythms]

Yes, there are men like that, but there are also men like the guy I'm dating. I met one of his best friends a few nights ago, a woman who he's known for over ten years and who he trusts implicitly. She was talking to me about her boyfriend and then we got to talking about the guy I'm dating, and she said that he has gone through a lot of heartbreaking relationships, and while he's messed up, he's a really good guy. She said he's talked to her about me before, and she can tell that he has some serious feelings for me. I believe her. I don't think he's got all these other women on the side and is playing me.

[catfeeder]

[...] What I don't get is what is it about the obligations of a relationship that are so difficult for him to handle? It seems even he doesn't understand what his issues are, since he's been seeing a therapist.

 

In his mind it might be that as soon as the commitment door closes he's in trouble. If he stands in the doorjam he can run at the first sign of danger without needing to chalk it up as a 'real' loss. Meanwhile you're on the inside of the commitment line frustrated, and he's blocking your exit by standing in the doorjam. You have every reason and right to ask him to get in or get out. If he won't budge, use the back door exit and keep walking.

[charity]

agreed. if he was on here telling his story, then everyone would be trying to help him address his issues. just because its coming from the woman's side doesn't mean that he is not genuine. we can only go on the story we are given. people shouldn't be so quick to label him by their own experiences. i know that sometimes as we are on the outside looking in, it is easier to see if the OP is fooling themselves but in this case i think we can see that the OP knows whats going on and is just looking for help with her decision to stay with an man who is afraid of committing himself due to his insecurity issues.

 

OP , if it was me i think i'd leave, just because i'd need/want someone to love me enough to say they'd at least try. if someone is that afraid of committing, then they have issues that need to be worked out alone.

[orchidrose]

I'm going through a sort of similar situation right now, and man is it tough. He's insecure to begin with and his past relationships haven't helped that, so I'm left with someone who's unwilling to really commit or even play at a relationship, but he keeps telling me how much he likes me and he won't let me end things.

 

The bottom line is that the only person whose actions can control are your own. It sounds like he is trying to get help for his issues, but they're not going to be resolved anytime soon, and it isn't fair for you to wait around until that happens.

[Maverick1984]

I honestly think Love is a result of the amount of investment we make with each other. Everything in life is a marketplace and Love and relationships are no different. For 2 people to be together, they have to have shown some value in each other in order to invest, else the relationship would not have happened in the first place.

 

The reason why this guy was cheated on in his previous relationships was simply because he over invested into the relationship and made himself too available which decreased his value, causing his ex's to lose attraction, which resulted in them going behind his back and cheating on him.

 

This is why i said in my previous post that in order for a relationship to work, an element of loss needs to be applied in order for attraction to be kept alive. And this is something that the guy doesn't seem to realise since that's exactly what love is. It's passion and attraction combined together.

 

That's why making yourself happy is so important because it's putting yourself in a situation where you literally do not need each other to feel happy which is what causes both of you to invest in each other, because secretly, you want each other all to yourselves 100% yet once you get it, you feel repelled by their need and walk away and find someone else. It's the element of loss that makes someone more valuable which causes the other person to keep investing and it's this that prevents future problems like 'Cheating' from occurring.

[sweet rhythms]

I think I'm going to wait until after the new year before I do anything at all about this situation.

 

Given he expressed on Sunday that he still wants to go on that trip with me on new years, maybe it's best I wait and see how that goes. He'll probably be able to stay at a friend's place, which is fine because that way I can stay my girls and still see him. Even if he doesn't come, we'll have the next couple of weeks apart to think. I don't think I'm going to make plans to see him tonight. Sometimes it's good to give someone space.

 

I'm not sure, is this a good idea?

[charity]

interesting. but explain what you mean by 'element of loss'?

[charity]

yeah good idea!

[Ms Darcy]

I agree, I've dated this guy before. I began to see right through the sob story. It was his way of having many women on the back burner by "claiming" he just couldnt have a girlfriend right now because he just "didnt" know how. I dont buy it.

 

He may genuinely be damaged, but he certainly is laying on the guilt real thick. I'd leave. I am too old to wait around for that nonsense ... especially that drunken diatribe. But getting some weeks apart from him is a good first step. Let's hope it kicks his butt in gear.

[sweet rhythms]

I honestly don't understand the whole self deprecating bit, where he said I deserve better than him and he's not worth my time, etc. My friend says it's just an act people pull when they're trying to get you to leave them so that they don't have to feel guilty for ending it. It was really over the top. I don't know though, because he genuinely sounded insecure.

[orchidrose]

I honestly don't understand the whole self deprecating bit, where he said I deserve better than him and he's not worth my time, etc. My friend says it's just an act people pull when they're trying to get you to leave them so that they don't have to feel guilty for ending it. It was really over the top. I don't know though, because he genuinely sounded insecure.

 

Actually, the two reasons you proposed aren't mutually exclusive, they're one in the same. He's insecure AND he wants to give you an excuse to leave him. The insecurity makes him feel like there's no way that he'll be able to give you what you want and make you happy, and he can't bear the thought of disappointing you, so he says all these terrible things about himself so that you'll run in the other direction. My ex did this all the time. It's a big thing for passive-aggressive men.

[sweet rhythms]

Does he actually believe these things about himself then? And if so, how am I supposed to end it without him thinking it's because I think he's a loser?

[orchidrose]

Does he actually believe these things about himself then? And if so, how am I supposed to end it without him thinking it's because I think he's a loser?

 

He probably does, at least to an extent. Unfortunately the only person whose feelings you can control are your own, as I said before. You can tell him that you're not ending things because he's a "loser" all you want, but he's going to believe whatever he chooses to believe.

[catfeeder]

Does he actually believe these things about himself then? And if so, how am I supposed to end it without him thinking it's because I think he's a loser?

 

The whole reason people lay down this stuff is to set up the trap you've just mentioned. It's martyrdom, pure and simple. "Don't worry about me, you can have the light bulb and I'll just sit here in the dark--I deserve it anyway..."

 

Scrap that nonsense. You didn't sign on to be this guy's therapist. You desire and deserve more from a relationship than you're getting, and if this guy isn't willing to step up and go there, then that's his voluntary position, and why should you stick around to cater to that?