We had the talk and now I'm sad and confused, please help

[sweet rhythms]

I apologize for the length of this post, but I would really appreciate any advice. I had the talk today with a guy I’ve been seeing for the past six months. He’s 32 and I’m 23.

 

Things were casual from the beginning and we sort of just went with the flow. We had an informal conversation about being sexually exclusive about a month in. I've met all his close friends and his only sibling. I've spent the weekend with him in the house he grew up in, we hang out on a regular basis and spend a lot of time at his apartment, and we’ve gone on a trip together out of town. I recently moved to a new place and while he's only been over a few times, each time he ends up fixing things around the apartment without my even asking him to. Recently, he’s been talking about joining me on a trip for new years.

 

He's talked a lot about his past relationships. He was cheated on by most of the women he's been with. His first girlfriend, of four years, cheated on him with his best friend, and he actually found them in bed together. His insecurity is very apparent and he has low self esteem but tries to cover it up by acting like an alpha male. He values my opinion highly, whether it comes to his appearance or more meaningful areas of his life. He'll change something about his appearance if I merely make a suggestion and will make sure I like what he's changed.

 

As for the talk, he basically said that he's too messed up mentally to be able to have a committed relationship right now. He has a lot of trust issues stemming from past relationships and he's "broken." He said he thought I was on the same page as him since I mentioned I wasn't looking for a relationship when I had first met him. I clarified that I'm never really looking for a relationship, I just take things as they come. He's thought about getting into a more serious relationship with me but then he has to remind himself that he's incapable of that right now. He doesn't want to date anyone else, yet he also said I should have the opportunity to see other people, even though he'd be very jealous and upset if I did. He said he has feelings for me, but he can't act on them. When I suggested that we end things altogether, he got upset and said that was "an easy, cop out solution" and while he understood if I didn't want to continue to have sex, we could still hang out. I told him that would be very difficult given I have feelings for him, and he agreed that it would be hard. He said he'd be devastated if he never saw me again. There was no resolution, and when I was leaving his place, things felt weird and he seemed sad.

 

This is all so confusing for me. Obviously he's not equipped to be in a committed relationship right now, and I have a feeling he's become very jaded about love and relationships due to his past experiences. During our conversation, he told me that he doesn't view that stuff the same way other people do. I tend to agree with him on many of his viewpoints, which I suppose is why he assumed we were on the same page. He thinks slapping a title on a relationship makes things get complicated because of perceived expectations and things like that. He ended up breaking things off with his most recent exgirlfriend because ten days into becoming boyfriend/girlfriend, nothing was working the way it was before they had a title.

 

I'm not sure what to do now. I'm not going to contact him. If he reaches out to me, I'm thinking of telling him that I can't do this anymore because I have strong feelings for him, and I don't want to continue to be with him and date other people, either. I think that's the only thing I can do, really.

 

Thoughts?

[WockaWocka]

I think your approach sounds healthy. It's a sad situation, he sounds like a great guy but someone who is too scared of betrayal to really commit to even just the title of bf/gf. You've realized that your feelings have developed and you're not willing to stay with someone who, for all intents and purposes, is emotionally stunted due to his past experiences. I'm sorry that the situation is what it is, but happy that you're realistic about your desire to find someone who--if things go right--would be capable of a healthy adult relationship with you. You definitely deserve more than the current guy can offer. Sorry but good luck.

[jenny_mcs]

He thinks slapping a title on a relationship makes things get complicated because of perceived expectations and things like that.

 

 

I think the bit I quoted above really sums up his feelings on the matter. He is not willing to commit to being your boyfriend because if he is your "boyfriend", certain things and behaviors are expected of him. Maybe he does all those things already, but because he is not your "boyfriend" he has an automatic out if something comes up that he just doesn't want to deal with. And your relationship is never going to grow or progress with that attitude.

 

What happened to him with his ex and his friend is awful, no doubt. But most people who are dating in their early 30's have had some unfortunate things happen in their failed relationships. Granted, his was especially awful, but most people can move on from these failed relationships and form healthy ones. It sounds like he is in a place of arrested development, and because you are slow to want a commitment/relationship, for a brief period you were on the same page. But now you want more, and it is absolutely normal and healthy to want that.

 

I think you have made the right decision. Stay strong and don't settle for less than you want and need from a relationship.

[catfeeder]

I think your plan is smart, and for my own head I'd add one suggestion that would help me rest easier for offering every possible solution. I'd tell him that I adore him and I'm walking away while I still think highly of him. He's welcome to consider me in the future if he ever opts to put his heart into having a relationship again. If I'm still available, we can meet to catch up and discuss whether we'd like to give it our best shot.

 

Nothing is ever perfect, and nothing is ever guaranteed.

 

In your corner.

[Hollyj]

" he basically said that he's too messed up mentally to be able to have a committed relationship right now. He has a lot of trust issues stemming from past relationships and he's "broken." He's thought about getting into a more serious relationship with me but then he has to remind himself that he's incapable of that right now. He doesn't want to date anyone else, yet he also said I should have the opportunity to see other people, even though he'd be very jealous and upset if I did. He said he has feelings for me, but he can't act on them."

This man has given you all the information, but you're not completely listening. He's incapable of a relationship! Save yourself a lot of heartache and run, this situation will only drain you of self-esteem and make you miserable.

He can't make up his mind whether he wants you, or if he doesn't want you-Great string along because he can't make up his mind and refuses to deal with his issues. Don't you want a man who can appreciate you and knows what he wants?

Until this guy gets professional help, he will continue to be an emotional drain and will only suck you into his world of misery-speaking from experience.

I highly recommend that you look into link removed, as it will give you all the answers you need.