I want to save my relationship and get her back

[ferna3069]

wow this thread has a ton of pages. i read a couple. and man i learned from my mistakes. i contacted my ex after day 22. she answer. and i asked her if she still wanted me in her life as a friend. or if she wanted me to disappear. she did not answer to that text. which means she does not want me in her life. its been so long for you. just keep no contact. because something i notice is that you just suffer more. after i broke no contact. it hurt so bad. im not going to do it agian. unles she wants to get back. one more thing do not count the days that you havent talked to her. or else that will get you stuck in the same place. its been ten days oh no she hasnt contacted me. when is she going to contact me? no dont do it man i stopeed counting days

[harsh284]

Do u think less frequent contact is better than more contact during reconciliation period and too from my (dumpee) end? More contact may damage the situation and i shud also give her time to contact me, wat say?

[Heartbroken30]

I don't if it's because it's Sunday and I'm just at home bored but I read all of the 38 pages of this thread and WOW. I'm really sorry for what you are going through Harsh and I know what you are going through as I was struggling as well in the first couple months of the break up. BUT the difference is I never did anything about it. I went through all the emotions that comes with a separation and it's only natural. I did beg/plead and ask for another chance a day after break up and 1 month after break up with total NC in between. It has been over 1 month nice that day and total NC. I realized I am not able to have a proper conversation with him without any kind of emotion and that is why he felt the need to pull further away a month ago. I KNOW we will talk and reconnect again one day. But you can not push this. And Harsh because SHE broke up with YOU...you need to let her contact you! Even if you guys have reconnected since and met up....let her chase you! Do not chase her because you will push her away once again. Let her come to you at her own pace. This is not supposed to be a painless and easy and fast process....getting back together takes LOTS AND LOTS of time. Have some discipline.

[harsh284]

Thanks. seems logical. Though i have already waited a lot for her. Dont knw if the things are improving or getting worse , im moving slowly but dont want it to end into friendship. She does answer my calls. How would i knw that she is really interested in me or not? Now i will wait for her to call. Dunno if she will.

[TheJerseyKid]

Normally I'd write a post here trying to help the OP, but seriously, if you don't get it after almost 40 pages, then nothing I can say is going to help you, because you're going to continue talking to this girl, stay in the friend zone, and keep posting "what do I do next" when you had the answer months and pages ago.

[gettinmeback56]

And I thought I was in denial, holy jesus.

[MakeItCount]

Thanks. seems logical. Though i have already waited a lot for her. Dont knw if the things are improving or getting worse , im moving slowly but dont want it to end into friendship. She does answer my calls. How would i knw that she is really interested in me or not? Now i will wait for her to call. Dunno if she will.

 

No, you won't. You'll call her again, and then post here wondering if it was the wrong thing to do.

 

40 pages and you haven't learned a thing. Grow a spine and stop talking to her.

[gettinmeback56]

No, you won't. You'll call her again, and then post here wondering if it was the wrong thing to do.

 

40 pages and you haven't learned a thing. Grow a spine and stop talking to her.

 

Since you're here, should I call my S2BEXwife and proclaim my love for her one more time? It'll work, I'm sure it will, the other 56 times I tried I was being needy. But this time I swear, she'll come to her senses, and we'll be happy together again. Should I call, or should I wait for her to call, I think I should call, but maybe I shouldn't.

[Heartbroken30]

Thanks. seems logical. Though i have already waited a lot for her. Dont knw if the things are improving or getting worse , im moving slowly but dont want it to end into friendship. She does answer my calls. How would i knw that she is really interested in me or not? Now i will wait for her to call. Dunno if she will.

 

As HARSH as some people have come off to you they are all doing it to HELP YOU. It is your choice whether you're going to listen to our advice or not. Although each and every situation is different...break ups usually take the same path. And that is you can not push your former partner. You just can't! You are making it worse for yourself. I'm telling you the truth and so is every one else. Look at it like this....would you rather be desperate, needy,stalkerish and push your ex away to no return OR have some discipline and go and get your life back first and concentrate on YOU not HER and then maybe just maybe in the future she will come back to you. I'm not saying she will but I and everyone else here guarantees that if you continue doing what you are doing she WILL NOT. You said you don't want to be her friend...with everything that you have put her through these months you should be honored that she even wants to be your friend and does not hate you. Please just let it go for now and let her come to you. Don't obsess over this it's not healthy.

[harsh284]

She has again started ignoring me - she has an exam in June and she is preparing for that. But i dont understand why she is ignoring me - is this normal - last week i called her a couple of times i guess 2-3 times in the whOle week - then i asked her if we can meet - but after i called she said she needs to study to which i said "fine". now i have stopped contacting her. Dunno if everythjng is normal or am i worrying too much.

[dramallama]

lol, harsh. No offensive because I wish you the best, and I'm not laughing at your situation or anything, but if you don't get it after 39 pages why she is ignoring you (she isn't interested), then you never will.

[DigitalSpy]

harsh284, the best thing you can do is to step out of the picture. This whole thread has gone on far too long, no offence. If you really really want to win her back, you need to start by letting her go. You cant win her back by hounding her, 2-3 times a week might not seem much to you but imagine if someone you didn't want to speak to right now called you ever 2 days....get a little annoying huh.

 

Give her some space and time. No. Give yourself some space and time, give your mind a rest! Go hang out with friends, have some FUN! Prove to yourself that your life will continue without her. Delete her number from your phone, I am sure if you ever needed it you could get it back some how, but right now DELETE IT. After chilling out and having a bit of fun with your mates for a month or so, and not saying a word to your ex she might contact you..who knows.

 

But what you are doing right now, will not, and never will win her back I am sorry to say. And even if it does you haven't spent the time to make changes to your own life as an individual because you are too hung up on her right now. TRUST ME, try not talking to her at all for 2 months. In this time chill out and have a bit of fun with your mates, get some new hobbies and try something you have always wanted to do. Get a new style and hit the gym...remember hitting the gym releases endorphins...the same endorphins that are released when you are in love, so hitting the gym will make you feel better!

 

After these 2 months I guarantee you will begin to feel better! You really need to let go and move on, only when you can seriously view her as just a friend will you have a chance at winning her back. So first things first, LET GO of your relationship. Second thing, start MOVING ON with your own life. And finally ENJOY YOUR LIFE, make the best out of what you have right now who knows when it may all be gone.

 

 

[harsh284]

Thanks a lot. Its not that i dont knw this. Its all there in last 38 pages but its just that sometimes i really feel low in confidence and need to hear it again. Thanks again. I have stopped contacting her and this time i do feel much better than the last time i was on NC for almost 2 months. I have realized one thing that she has feelings for me but she wants a man with a better career/qualifications than her. Right now i cant change that.

[perio]

I think its time to make a.contract with Harsh. We could come up with a.simple agreement to help him and still maintain healthy boundaries here and with him and his ex. Maybe.something like stating what hr will do and insisting on him being honest with us and then we will give him feedback and be here for him. But only if he is true to both us and his word.

[MakeItCount]

No, you won't. You'll call her again, and then post here wondering if it was the wrong thing to do.

 

40 pages and you haven't learned a thing. Grow a spine and stop talking to her.

 

called it. Some people prefer to live in misery. So be it.

[dramallama]

I think its time to make a.contract with Harsh. We could come up with a.simple agreement to help him and still maintain healthy boundaries here and with him and his ex. Maybe.something like stating what hr will do and insisting on him being honest with us and then we will give him feedback and be here for him. But only if he is true to both us and his word.

I think it's pretty clear that harsh doesn't want advice or tips on how to move on, but instead validation for keeping in touch with her.

[harsh284]

I think it's pretty clear that harsh doesn't want advice or tips on how to move on, but instead validation for keeping in touch with her.

 

See i was a weak person and had emotional meltdowns- i used to feel that she would run away with soneone else- leaving me in pain - but over so many months of cribbing and weening i have realized i need to get over my fears- so i have accepted that she might actually go away with someone but i will not beg her or plead to her if she cant respect my feelings- after all i never cheated on her or hurt her and if she is out of love then probably watever i do it will not bring her back- i have accepted my destiny - i think not acceptin it and being weak was my problem

[thekid55]

I hoesntly cannot believe that this thing is still going on. I check ENA from time to time now, but thekid has been healed for months now.

 

Harsh, here's the harsh reality: I got my ex back. I did it. How did I do it?

 

Well, it was pretty freaking easy. I did what EVERYONE has been telling you to do. I stopped talking to her. We were in NC for 5 months, but I didn't even realize it had been that long until she told me. I got a life, I joined new clubs, I made new friends, I dated new girls, I basically completely forgot about my ex. There was none of this 'oh, maybe I should just call her ONE MORE TIME'. That's BS! I got on with my life and watched her come back into the picture because she realized how damn good of a catch I was. We aren't in a relationship, but I need to see for myself how the 'new her' is. Do you ever consider her as a good partner for you?

 

Think about it. Think about her and stop freaking idolizing her. You've made her the prize and yourself as the donkey.

 

I could just sit here and rant to you, but you could have had very high odds of having your ex back by now if you would have listened to me (or the 100 other ENAers for that matter) during the winter.

 

This is my last post in this awful thread. I'd definitely consider professional help at this point so you can start to properly function again.

[Silverbirch]

Hey Harsh,

i'm sorry for your situation. I hope you are feeling a bit better and happier.

[professorplum]

Harsh,

 

I remember The Kid saying similar months ago. Whether it would have worked in terms of getting her back no one can say. Not sure in fact whether it is high odds - many people never come back. There is no point beating yourself up about what has gone. We've all been there. Try and adopt the Kid's advice from now. It will be a learning experience and hey you are still very young. There are many more girls out there who you are destined to meet even if it is too late for this one. It certainly sounds as if you have put her on a pedestal.

[Oneironaut]

Well, just sat down and read the entire 40 pages...yeah, work is slow right now, lol, been off for 3 days.

 

Harsh, I feel for you. To paraphrase a Star Trek analogy, you're caught in a emotional causality loop. You keep reliving the same emotions over and over and over. You're not moving on, you're stagnating.

 

My boyfriend broke up with me last August. We stayed friends for the next 5 months, but it was obvious to me that he still had feelings for me, which is the ONLY reason I hung on.

 

How was it obvious? Because we still flirted constantly, had long, 8 hour conversations on Skype that he initiated, talked about good times we'd had together, and did I mention that we flirted a LOT? That gave me hope that there was still a chance of getting him back.

 

But after 5 months, I started getting tired of it, and one night, right around New Year's, I tried to force him to admit he still had feelings for me. He rather flipped out, told me he didn't care about me at all, that I needed to move on with my life, and to take him off all my Friends' lists.

 

I'd had enough, so I did exactly that. I took him off my FLs, I quit contacting him, and I started moving on with my life.

 

I made the CONSCIOUS choice to stop thinking about him constantly...I made the CONSCIOUS choice to quit even allowing myself to -think- about reconciliation. One way I did this was by pretending that he could read my thoughts, and that every time he knew I was thinking about getting back together, he would laugh his ass off at me. I didn't like the idea of being laughed at, so, I quit thinking about it.

 

After about a month of NC and forcing myself to stop even considering reconciliation, I found myself thinking about him less and less. And it felt GOOD.

 

Then, one day in February, he contacted me again. By then I was at a point where I didn't read into it, I simply took it to mean he'd missed my conversation, because we'd always had some very good ones. I didn't automatically assume that this meant he wanted me back. In other words, I HAD reached a point where I was OK with being friends.

 

Well, guess what? Three days later, he said to me quite clearly, "I've missed you...would you consider getting back together?"

 

My point is simply this: As dramallama and others here have said, when an ex wants you back, they state it openly. They don't play games by asking to get together and then disappearing for the next week or two. They don't beat around the bush by asking for a text book back and then not answering your next 3 phone calls. They say quite plainly, "Do you want to get back together?"

 

I understand the pain you're going through, but YOU are choosing to prolong it. She DOESN'T WANT YOU BACK...if she did, she'd have said so by now. You are the one now bringing this on yourself, and YOU are the only one who can end the suffering.

 

If you can, I urge you to get counseling. I believe you need more help than this forum can provide. You have to make that choice yourself, though...do you -want- to continue pining away for a female who has made it clear she has no interest in you romantically, or do you want to move on with your life?

 

Good luck.

[af1403]

There are times that you have to learn to give up your loosing battle's. If it doesn't take much for her to leave you do you want a relationship with such risky endings. If so then it is a matter of doing something about it, Firstly you need to get your career on path before you can focus on that with a stable Career you are mentally stable. Secondly get into contact with one of her friends and get them to persuade her to at least talk to you in a mutual area like a bar so that it doesn't make her pressured. Then you have to tell her how you feel about everything, I would advice keeping it calm as it shows a mature stature and just keep it 100% truthfull

[thekid55]

Any update here?

[doiiiieeezie]

the kid, it has been a while.... how is the relationship with the ex going now? or should i say now gf again?

[harsh284]

Guys I am planning to text her "Hey- I am not a friend and cant be a friend sorry. If that is ur view on this, please let us not contact then. I dont want to be a friend. I get this feeling at times. * "- need ur advice