Confused, help!

[wickedbusa]

One week ago, my girlfriend told me she needed space. Well, since it is a long distance relationship, I asked her if she would be willing to talk about our relationship in person instead of on the phone. I made the drive to see her (about 400 miles) and we talked about where our relationship was. She told me again that she needed space. So, I asked her what she wanted of me. I asked her if she wanted me to disappear off the face of the earth, or if she still wanted some kind of contact with me. She told me that she didn't want me to fall off the face of the earth, instead, told me that it was ok to call her once in a while and to email her. I asked her if she still wanted to continue her relationship with me after she got the counseling she needed, and she replied with, "I would like to. I will let you know when I am ready." Now, our relationship has been beautiful for the almost two years we were in it. On the night before I had to head back, we ended up being intimate with each other, something that I think someone wouldn't do if they were really breaking up with you. My friends tell me to move on, but I am willing to wait for her. I love her with everything that I am and am willing to give her her space, in the hopes that when she is ready, she will come back to me and continue the relationship we had.

So, I guess my question here is, "After this weekend and the things her and I did, does it seem like she just needs time to herself and everything will be fine in a little while?" I could tell that she still had feelings for me since everytime I went to hug her bye (I was there for two days), she would still give me an innocent kiss on the lips. Am I making the right decision here? I am emotionally distraught ever since all of this happened and as hard as I try to tell myself that everything will be fine, I also have the fear that I will never hear that call.

[OnTheMoor]

Let it go man. I'm in the exact situation you are, except she flew out 2000 miles to see me and tell me that she needed time and space. Why do I recommend this? two reasons:

 

1) she'll respect you for it

2) if anything will make her get back with you, it will be because she misses you. she'll only miss you if you're out of her life. I know you worry that she'll forget about you if you leave her alone, but the exact opposite happens.

 

be patient man and know that we're here for you. it gives me strength to see another guy going through the same thing.

 

Take care.

[caveat]

I feel your pain, buddy. I'm 4+ months deep on the whole "I need space, I need to be independent" thing. Its about as fun as sticking a fork in your eye. Our fact patterns are different (as all are, which is why you need to be very wary about taking advice or following opinions on this board or, for that matter, from close friends or family--after all, only you and your lady know the relationship in detail) but if you want my 2 cents on how to move forward you can just check out my post (just do a search on my user name). Good luck on this merry-go-round from hell...I'll be rooting for you both.

 

Caveat

[craigblitz]

Awww yes I need space and I need to figure out who I am.. blahblah. Yeah been there and doing it. I agree all advise on a message board should be taken with a grain of salt, but I truly truly believe that in cases like this it is best to just let them have space. I could be TOTALLY wrong here, but I think woman really examine who they are and what they want more than guys. Sometimes when they have no idea they let go of the thing that they think are holding them back from discovering it... ala you!!!

 

Trust me if the relationship was worth a hoot and you back for a while they will contact you. When I finally stopped emailing and texting and calling my ex it took her a week and now she is contacting me almost everyday.

 

I am also sharing the warings given earlier her... buddy be prepared for a long and I mean lon rollercoaster ride if you want her back. My advice to you is go out date, have fun, hang with your boys... life live my man. I know it is hard when you are thinking of her, but why sit at home when she isn't.

 

Good luck

[shockeddismayed]

Wickedbusa...

 

All of the advice you are getting is excellent. I can also tell you it will be nearly impossible to follow.

 

I too am in a similar situation. There is no distance involved, but I got the confusing sex on the day of the breakup... and on the morning after the breakup... right after that, she helped me pack my things

 

I wouldn't try to read too much into her signs... the thing is she could be being very honest, or it could all be a smoke screen.... afterall, she is a long way away, and most girls don't like to admit it right away if they are interested in someone else. I'm not trying to worry you... I'm just saying that there is no way for us to totally know from what she has told you what the true reasons for her breakup are.

 

You would have a better idea than us...

 

So... here are the positives:

* One way or another, she does care about you... the tears show that.

* She doesn't want you totally gone.

* If you use NC, or only call her every 3-4 weeks, she WILL start to feel your absense. If the relationship was good when you were closer, she will wish for it again.

* In the meantime, you have your freedom to do WHATEVER YOU WANT. Use it.... Really... Seriously... USE IT. If you don't you will grow bitter and resentful. It will be a lot easier to take her back if you've had some good times meeting new girls, hanging with your pals and improving yourself.

 

Basically all you can do right now is try and move on with your life. If she decides to keep in contact with YOU, great... but let her make the effort.

 

If she doesn't (and keep in mind she won't for a while as she heals from the trauma.... there is NO POINT in contacting her while she is in this state, so don't even bother), then don't worry about her... she isn't worth it.

 

Had I followed the advice above religiously, I probably would have had my EXGF back by now. Unfortunately I spent too much energy and patience trying to work through her defences while she tried to recover from what she'd done. By the time she was getting ready to try again, I had no patience left to give, and over-reacted to her first step backwards. (When you do get back together, it will be a two steps forward/one step back type of thing).

 

Keep all of this in mind... getting them back (when the relationship was serious) is usually a marathon.... so just jog with the flow for a while.

[Scout]

I'm having serious difficulty in understanding how someone could need space in a long distance relationship.

[craigblitz]

Space does not mean distance... it usaully means they need emotional space from that person. It has nothing to do witht he frequency in which they see you or when the see you... it is purley an emotional space. So you could be 1 mile away or 10000000000 miles away a person might need to have that emotional space errr freedom for a while to figure some things out.

 

That is my take but I am not the best to ask that is for sure.

[wickedbusa]

As hard as it was to do the NC thing, I disciplined myself and tried so hard to not call her. Last night, I got an email from her, so we emailed each other a couple of times, and ended up on the phone until about 1:30 in the morning. We were just chatting about school, light conversation, but nevertheless, it was nice hearing her voice on the other end of the phone. She told me she was doing a little better, which makes me happy because I didn't like seeing her be depressed. Seeing her sad also hurt me, I just didn't want to see her suffer anymore. It was just a nice, down to earth conversation and her and I enjoyed. I feel a little better now knowing that she is doing a little better herself. I know it is going to take time, but I still believe that her and I are just on a break and will get together again. I'm just going to take it slow, and let the relationship move at her pace. I'm not going to push the issue, or even bring up our relationship for now. All I am going to do is be here and give her all of the support that she needs from me. Some of you may not agree with me, but I have to follow what my heart is telling me.

[Scout]

Right, Craig, but the fact is, long distance does create more room for emotional space. That's why I'd be seriously concerned if I was him that this is really her reason. There very well could be another person in the picture.

[wickedbusa]

I could go and ask her if there is someone else, but after speaking to her this weekend, I am confident that there is no one else there. I appreciate the replies, and I understand every concern, but after thinking about things long and hard, I have decided to hang in there and wait for my girl. She is the love of my life. I trusted her before, and I still trust her now, despite everything that has happened.

[craigblitz]

Good for you man follow your heart. I do not think anyone has asked you to do differently. If there is one piece of advice I could give and you take it for what it is worth... while you are still there for your lady it might not be a bad idea to go out and rediscover yourself. I am prepare yourself in case she does not come back make sure you do thinkgs that you enjoy and can continue to enjoy when she is gone. Go out and have a drink with a lady or a movie, nothing serious but you have an opportunity to make sure she is the one for you as well.

 

Good luck, but I think most will agree prepare yourself for either outcome will do nothing but benefit you.