A bit of a blow to my ego

[bebeblondie]

So I dated this guy a while ago, I was pretty into him (probably more than I showed him). Long story short I broke it off with him because he didn't seem to be all that into me.

 

So browsing through facebook this morning, I noticed he has a girlfriend now and there was a pic of her. I have seen more than one pic of this girl and physically she is not attractive at all. While I'm not drop dead gorgeous, I am quite attractive and physically quite opposite from her, she is pettite, I am tall, she is brunette, I am blonde. While I am sure this girl is probably very nice, and I believe has a good job (she is a nurse), it is just a bit of a blow to my ego because he didn't seem to really want me, but seems to be crazy about her (according to the pics). I know what's on the inside is what counts, but I'm a pretty interesting person on the inside as well. I also know beauty is int he eye of the beholder but I just can't understand how he can find me (physically) attractive and her attractive as well. I always thought a woman's looks are very important to a man.

 

I know I might not sound like the nicest person right now, but I'm just trying to be realistic. So any insight into this would be much appreciated.

[dancingcolors]

I wouldn't compare myself. You will just make yourself feel bad. They probably just clicked more as people. Looks aren't everything. And you say you didn't show him how much you actually liked him. Maybe she does. Checking him out on facebook isn't going to help you.

[bebeblondie]

I wouldn't compare myself. You will just make yourself feel bad. They probably just clicked more as people. Looks aren't everything. And you say you didn't show him how much you actually liked him. Maybe she does. Checking him out on facebook isn't going to help you.

 

Yea your right, I just looked at his profile out of boredom it's not something I do on a regular basis or anything, it's been quite a while since we dated, so it's more of a blow to my ego rather than wanting him back or anything.

[Jd1983]

You mentioned that you were into him at one point and didn't show it, perhaps he didn't know how you were feeling so he didn't react the same way?

 

Looks are important to a certain degree, but they aren't everything. Perhaps she has a great personality? Also beauty is in the eye of the beholder. She may not be drop dead gorgeous to everyone else, but she could be beautiful in his eyes.

 

Stop basing your self worth on his relationship. Move on with your life, I'm sure someone else more suitable will eventually come along.

[FathomFear]

Did he flat out tell you that he wasn't attracted to you? Or was that a conclusion that you drew yourself?

[bebeblondie]

Did he flat out tell you that he wasn't attracted to you? Or was that a conclusion that you drew yourself?

 

I am not saying that I don't think he found me attractive. I'm actually pretty sure he did based on the things he said to me. What I couldn't understand was how he can find both me and her attractive since physically we are quite different.

[bebeblondie]

You mentioned that you were into him at one point and didn't show it, perhaps he didn't know how you were feeling so he didn't react the same way?

 

Looks are important to a certain degree, but they aren't everything. Perhaps she has a great personality? Also beauty is in the eye of the beholder. She may not be drop dead gorgeous to everyone else, but she could be beautiful in his eyes.

 

Stop basing your self worth on his relationship. Move on with your life, I'm sure someone else more suitable will eventually come along.

 

I'm pretty sure I showed the appropriate amount of interest for the stage of dating that we were at at that time. But I agree there might be something about her that makes her beautiful to him. I remember when I was dating him, he wasn't what you would call conventionally attractive (he even had a lazy eye), but to me there was just something about him and I found him handsome.

 

But you're right I should just be happy for him, and not dwell on this.

[Jd1983]

I'm sure you're still beautiful as is. Don't worry so much on why he's with her, and focus on you!

 

Everything happens for a reason.

[unduffable1]

I had a similar blow to my ego. I hadn't dated my ex for almost two years. I too was bored and cruised onto Facebook to check her out (a bit nostalgic as today would have been a wedding anniversary for us). I am not friends with her on Facebook, but searched for her to see her picture. She now has a hyphenated last name and has a wedding picture up as her profile picture. The first thing I thought was that this guy was not as attractive as me, but that is all I know about him. I just was not expecting that in less than two years.

[Ariel85]

Why do women do this? Why, when processing rejection, do they have to trash some other womans looks and claim they are prettier?

 

So petty.

[Ms Darcy]

At least you know it's about ego. I am not particularly attractive (in my own opinion), but my bf is gorgeous and he thinks I am a goddess. The ex he dumped was a model. I really think people have to remove comparisons from the equation. The dynamics of how people get along makes much more of a difference.

[FathomFear]

I am not saying that I don't think he found me attractive. I'm actually pretty sure he did based on the things he said to me. What I couldn't understand was how he can find both me and her attractive since physically we are quite different.

 

People are attracted to a spectrum of looks. I'm sure he's no different.

[Allyo]

I have often thought the same thing about my ex-boyfriends. I almost always have thought that I am prettier, more intelligent or more interesting than their new girlfriends. I don't think it is pety, it is a pretty natural human response to compare yourself to others. I only think it is unhealthy to obssess over it. And ultimately when you are happy with yourself you have less and less of a need to compare yourself to others. Not all men (or women) will value the same traits that you value in yourself.

 

I think attraction works in weird ways. My girlfriends have never found my boyfriend attractive, but to me he is really handsome. Like others have said we just had that "click." Sometimes even when you click with somebody the timing is just off. Many factors have to be in line for a relationship to work out!

[bebeblondie]

Why do women do this? Why, when processing rejection, do they have to trash some other womans looks and claim they are prettier?

 

So petty.

 

I know it sounds like I am trying to trash her, but I'm just being realistic. Had she been an attractive girl, I would have no problem admitting it since I have done so in the past. I have to admit I do not know this girl, and she may have an awsome personality and be really nice, and things like that tend to trump looks. So I guess I answered my own question. But believe me I have no trouble admitting a woman is attractive or beautiful, in fact the guy in question always told me how he admired that I was always able to point out another beautiful woman and not put her down like some other girls do.

[DN]

I find it somewhat ironic that men get blamed for being shallow when they go for women with good looks and somehow blamed when they don't.

[bebeblondie]

I have often thought the same thing about my ex-boyfriends. I almost always have thought that I am prettier, more intelligent or more interesting than their new girlfriends. I don't think it is pety, it is a pretty natural human response to compare yourself to others. I only think it is unhealthy to obssess over it. And ultimately when you are happy with yourself you have less and less of a need to compare yourself to others. Not all men (or women) will value the same traits that you value in yourself.

 

I think attraction works in weird ways. My girlfriends have never found my boyfriend attractive, but to me he is really handsome. Like others have said we just had that "click." Sometimes even when you click with somebody the timing is just off. Many factors have to be in line for a relationship to work out!

 

Yes I completely agree, and now that I think about it I remember my biggest issue with him was how he was very busy and I almost never got to see him, so perhaps she's more willing to put up with his busy schedule....or they just had that "click" which he may not have had so much with me.

[bebeblondie]

I find it somewhat ironic that men get blamed for being shallow when they go for women with good looks and somehow blamed when they don't.

 

Your absolutely right, I should be giving him credit for that, and be happy that I actually went out with a man who values personality over looks. I guess it's just the shallow girl in me coming out today...I'm putting her back in the closet lol.

[Ms Darcy]

I know it sounds like I am trying to trash her, but I'm just being realistic.

 

I really do think beauty is in the eye of the beholder too. So, being realistic isn't reallly quite how I would describe it. You are a little hurt by the supposed rejection, and there's no way that doesn't impact the way you see her. He thinks she's beautiful.

[bebeblondie]

I really do think beauty is in the eye of the beholder too. So, being realistic isn't reallly quite how I would describe it. You are a little hurt by the supposed rejection, and there's no way that doesn't impact the way you see her. He thinks she's beautiful.

 

While I am a little hurt, I've been a in this position before and have been able to admit when the girl is attractive. That being said I agree beauty is the eye of the beholder, and he does think she's beautiful otherwise he wouldn't be with her.

[Ariel85]

I know it sounds like I am trying to trash her, but I'm just being realistic.

 

No, you're trying to turn a value judgement into fact.

 

YOU think you're prettier. Not everyone else will agree, and obviously this guy finds her attractive.

 

Seriously - don't BE that girl who talks about other women like this, or compares her looks to other. It makes us all look bad, because it's petty.

 

I recommend you watch Shallow Hal. Remember the scene where he sees the old, ugly hag, and turns out it's the young and pretty girl? But, because she was such a * * * * * , she was perceived as being an ugly person.

[bebeblondie]

No, you're trying to turn a value judgement into fact.

 

YOU think you're prettier. Not everyone else will agree, and obviously this guy finds her attractive.

 

Seriously - don't BE that girl who talks about other women like this, or compares her looks to other. It makes us all look bad, because it's petty.

 

I recommend you watch Shallow Hal. Remember the scene where he sees the old, ugly hag, and turns out it's the young and pretty girl? But, because she was such a * * * * * , she was perceived as being an ugly person.

 

You can call it whatever you want, obviously I do not think she's attractive and somebody else may (and somebody else does in fact, him), so I am not trying to turn this into a fact, I'm just giving my opinion. Like I said before I am actually the kind of girl who can admire another beautiful woman instead of put her down. That being said, I think most girls in my situation wouldn't be able to help but judge the other girl whether it be based on looks or personality. I do not know this girl and therefore cannot talk about her personality, however I have seen a pic of her and am giving my opinion on the way she looks. You do not have to like what I have to say about her looks but nontheless I do think she is not particularly attractive that is my opinion and I am not going to apologize for it.

[Ariel85]

You do not have to like what I have to say about her looks but nontheless I do think she is not particularly attractive that is my opinion and I am not going to apologize for it.

 

Hey, if you like being this person, then go for it. No need to apologize at all, but I hope you still like who you see in the mirror.

 

I just really think when you calm down from the rejection and move on, you'll look back and not consider this your finest hour. At least I hope you do...

[Dusk1983]

Some vintage examples of "female sisterhood" on this thread. In my experience, that's mainly a myth to hide the reality of endless jealousy and sniping at one another!

[bebeblondie]

It's funny how some people are finding what I have to say shallow, but it seems to me those people are ignoring my posts which say that this girl might have a great personality and in the end isn't that what matters? So big deal if I said the girl isn't attractive...looks fade personality doesn't.

 

Ariel - I am not a phony person, if I don't like someone I don't pretend that I do, if I don't think someone is attractive I don't pretend that I do. I don't think that makes me a bad person. And yes I love who I see in the mirror I'm a good person, a hard worker, a good friend, a good daughter and thats all that matters.

[bebeblondie]

Some vintage examples of "female sisterhood" on this thread. In my experience, that's mainly a myth to hide the reality of endless jealousy and sniping at one another!

 

Everybody gets jealous from time to time, even guys it's human nature. And yes I'll admit I'm being a bit jealous.