Thoughts from a young bride

[Firiel]

There have been a lot of threads about age and marriage posted recently, but I’ve never felt like I’ve come it at the right time to give my thoughts (or rather, my own experience). I recently got married just out of college at the young age of 22. My husband and I were long-distance most of our relationship (we spent two summers together, one while dating and one while engaged) because we were going to college in different states. Like everyone who gets married, I don’t believe I will be a divorce statistic (I mean, who gets married thinking, “We’ll probably divorce?). I was very deliberate in my decision and thought it might interest some of you to read the reasons why I feel totally confident being a young wife.

 

1. I had thought A LOT about love and marriage in the past, but not in an “OMG! I can’t wait to get married!” I had decided that I was okay never getting married. I knew that if I met the right guy, I would be excited to share my life with someone, but that my life would not be inherently more or less fulfilling depending on marital status. I made this decision sometime in my teenage years, and while I did hope to eventually meet someone, I was truly and honestly okay with waiting or never finding someone.

 

2. I was very deliberate in my early relationship with my husband. I wasn’t attracted to him at first, so we got to know each other as friends. I knew we were truly compatible as friends and confidants because in the beginning, there were no misleading, crazy butterflies.

 

3. I was in a good place in my life when I met him. I was happy being single. I had finally learned to have crushes without obsessing. I loved school, and I loved my life. He wasn’t filling an undefined gap. He was adding to my life.

 

4. I come from a culture that marries fairly early. I was raised in a very Christian home with very Christian friends, and I went to a Christian college. While “everyone is getting married” was in NO WAY my motivation to get married, it is true. But it means that I have a support group among those of my own age. Many friends are getting married or getting involved in serious relationships. This fact means that I will not be home alone while my friends go on the prowl for men. I will not have to over-exert myself to balance single friends with a married life because the two can intertwine easily.

 

5. The honeymoon period was over. Our honeymoon period ended abruptly due to outside circumstances when we had only been dating five months. He was there for me and over the next year or so, he saw me at my worst and loved me and supported me as I recovered. I don’t want to go into details, but it was a situation so difficult we probably won’t have to face something that tough again (though I know we’d handle it if we did).

 

6. We talked about the future. Honestly, if we had been dating each other locally, we probably would have waited a year or so before we got married. I would have gone overseas or to grad school or something. As it was, though, I knew he was the one for me, and I knew that regardless of if I married him right away or not, I was sick of the distance and needed to be near him. I moved to where he was with the understanding that after he graduated, we’d go wherever there was a good opportunity for both of us.

 

There has been a lot of truth spoken in the threads about this subject. We are not financially stable, and that is hard. But his chosen career will never be particularly lucrative, so I’m glad we are learning to work together with finances before we have the pressure of a future family weighing down on us. We will grow and change, but I hope to grow and change together. Even if that does mean we will branch off from one another in some aspects, I think our bases have and will continue to intertwine, making us together a wonderful and varied couple that makes a difference in many areas.

 

Those are just my thoughts. I don’t want to sound argumentative because I’m not. Getting married before you are ready and/or mature enough is very dangerous, and younger people (obviously) have a higher likelihood of being unready or immature. I just thought I’d share my own experience.

[Brittney2008]

I think you have an awesome outlook Firiel with a really good head on your shoulders As far as people always saying others should wait until financially stable, own a home etc, Why not get there together? Congratulations!

[lostnscared]

You sound awesome.

 

Thank you for this perspective.

 

Also congrats!

 

I want to add that though I'm stickler about not getting married unless I'm financially well off, and a bit more stable in my career and mature, if I were ALL three, and my family wasn't going through so much drama and I felt SURE that it was the right step I would be getting married within a year (at 24) rather than waiting the 2 years that I'll be waiting to take the plunge.

 

It sounds like your solid. And like you said, people should consider statistics, but also should look and assess their own situation, and circumstances. Surely a lot of us come from backgrounds of those who married young, had children young, and have friends who are in those situations. All of my VERY good friends are married, and have children. MOST of them are under age 25. The rest are under 30. All of them, are going through different struggles, some which probably would have occurred rather they were 20, 25, or 30. Others that probably are attributed to age and circumstance. I'll admit that ONE of them is for sure on the brink of divorce, but it isn't so much of age that is the issue, but rather the fact that she married a deadbeat, and she herself is extremely immature. My bf's father is a pastor, as was his grandfather, and everyone sort of believed in getting married young and having children young.

 

At one point, two years ago, we were considering getting married. But changed our minds, because we both really want to be financially "there" before we take that plunge. And in chicago being "financially there" means making a grand sum total of about 80k-100k in order to have a house, cars and live in a decent neighborhood. But I don't think it's bad to decide to just build wealth together. It was what our parents did.

[annie24]

sounds like you guys have a good foundation for a long happy life together. congrats!!

[The_Seeker]

Just wanted to say, if my parents can get back on their feet from having nothing, you and your husband can to.

 

My mom got married at 19. Still with my dad. LOL Shocking right?

[Lonewing]

You know, with all this talk of "being financially well off" I sometimes wonder if it's really all it's cracked up to be. My parents, my grandparents were neither financially well off when they started, but they built that together. It's easier and cheaper to keep a household for two than it is to keep a household for one...

 

A lot of fear running around, I suppose.

[lostnscared]

You know, with all this talk of "being financially well off" I sometimes wonder if it's really all it's cracked up to be. My parents, my grandparents were neither financially well off when they started, but they built that together. It's easier and cheaper to keep a household for two than it is to keep a household for one...

 

A lot of fear running around, I suppose.

 

The reason I want to be financially well off, is because I live in a state where those that aren't live in really bad areas, or areas that aren't very good, with high crime rates, amongst other things. Even those that desire to live middle class lifestyles, must be financially well of in order to do so with the COA and the cost of a house, a nice apartment, and so on. Right now I make close to the median American wage. And I still struggle sometimes to get things taken care of, because of the many expenses I have, student loans, etc. Meanwhile I have friends that make more than half of what I make, who live in Indiana, and Ohio, and they are able to live quite well off. It just depends. The difference is that I don't associate having to make six figures in order to be married and have kids, I DO however realize that I need to make enough to be able to afford the basics, to cover expenses, loans, and so does my bf, and we would like to have kids, so money matters.

Times are different. My parents started off young and broke, and it was easier to come up. Now it's a lot harder to.

[Mauxly]

I've always enjoyed your posts. Thanks for another great one. It sounds like you guys have a really solid foundation to grow a life together on. So happy for you.

 

Personally, I could never have married at that age, but at that age I was a hot mess. It's taken me decades to get a handle on who I am and what I really want. Congratulations on your head start!

 

He's a lucky man!

[Firiel]

Thanks, all! I hope I don't sound like I think I'm just the shizz. I've definitely still got plenty of personal and relational problems to work through, but those have the nasty habit of popping up whatever age you are. I can say that it's true what they say about most fights being over financial things. My husband and I were good about discussing most things-- including finances-- before marriage, and it still pops up as a conflict for us more often than other things. It lends credence to the fact that you should be financially stable before combining finances with someone (whether that means marriage or not). But I'm still glad we're married because he's pretty cool.

[sweetpea03]

It's definitely harder in certain areas vs others. I live in Southern California and it's hard to find an affordable place and keep things cheap without moving into "ghetto" areas. I would move, but I don't want to go too far from my family. They all live around me. My boyfriend and I are waiting too until we get more financially stable. Then we'll take that next step.

[Circe]

You know, with all this talk of "being financially well off" I sometimes wonder if it's really all it's cracked up to be.

 

I don't know.. I attribute my husband and my lack of fighting to not having financial stresses. Even if you don't fight about money directly, if financial security is in the back of your mind, stressing you out, I think you're likely to fight more about other things too and just generally feel less happy (because you are more worried). You don't have to be wealthy by any means.. but financial security goes a long, long way in reducing fights in a marriage.

[Circe]

We are not financially stable, and that is hard. But his chosen career will never be particularly lucrative, so I’m glad we are learning to work together with finances before we have the pressure of a future family weighing down on us. We will grow and change, but I hope to grow and change together. Even if that does mean we will branch off from one another in some aspects, I think our bases have and will continue to intertwine, making us together a wonderful and varied couple that makes a difference in many areas.

 

This is a truly wonderful sentiment. Congratulations and I hope you are enjoying this time

[HeartGoesOn]

Excellent points, and very well said.

 

Congrats, and I wish you all the best in your marriage.

[_Asti_]

I don't know.. I attribute my husband and my lack of fighting to not having financial stresses. Even if you don't fight about money directly, if financial security is in the back of your mind, stressing you out, I think you're likely to fight more about other things too and just generally feel less happy (because you are more worried). You don't have to be wealthy by any means.. but financial security goes a long, long way in reducing fights in a marriage.

 

I agree. I certainly feel that.

If its a matter of waiting a year or so to become a little more financially secure, I'd wait it. And we did. Am I glad? Heck yes.

Money hasn't been an issue. We enjoy our lifestyle, have savings put aside, and have saved for our wedding. We will be entering our marriage with no debt from either persons, and have a nice nest egg to start our marriage together.

We've dealt with many other life stressors, its nice to know there is food over the fridge, roof over our heads, and food in our stomachs, one less thing to worry about. I couldn't imagine struggling. PERIOD. And the last thing I would want to do, especially my fiance. He refused to propose until he could 'support' a family. He could support himself, he didn't feel right taking on a wife and potentially children without being able to provide.

[Batya33]

My parents got married with no $ to speak of, in their early 20s. They've only been married 54 years so I'm not sure if this is one of those "married too young" mistakes ;-)

 

I got married at 42. I felt ready for marriage at 23, maybe even earlier. Was I truly ready? Probably not -but I have a feeling I would have stayed the course. I just wasn't as lucky as the OP to meet the right person at that time, or to be the right person for a healthy relationship(despite feeling ready).

[Lonewing]

See, that's it...

 

I think there's a differnece between being "Financially well off," "Financially secure," and this one that got our role models through: "Being financially sound in mind."

 

The first two require the tables to be clear of all that ails. The second is a table that may have clutter, but the mind is sound so the issue of savings or paying off debts or building investments is easy. Indeed, I could come into a relationship with a clear table, but if my mind is in the gutter, financewise, where as soon as I get a little ahead I go on sprees, I'm really no better off than the person who's deep in water - because I'd get us deep in the water without second thought.

 

I'm financially sound these days, so I'm very much happier than I was in my youth!

[metrogirl]

Aww congrats on your nuptials.

[OptomisticGirl]

Congrats

 

I have to say, I can relate to the distance thing. Yes CS and I moved the wedding date up due to the whole visa thing and getting the house ready, but what it really came down to was us just being sick of having 4,000 miles between each other. Like you we both admit if we lived closer we probably wouldn't have moved it up so soon but until someone has the love of their life hours away from them (and, in our position) only sees them for a week every 4 months, you want to get to that point all the more quicker.

 

Everyone in my family married without being financially secure. Honestly, we were probably lower middle class growing up but I never knew it. My mom always made sure (amid the rest of the turmoil) that we were happy, loved, and never went without what we NEEDED. Did I always get what I wanted? No, but in not I learned that sometimes what you want isn't what you need and you CAN do without it.