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"women perfer men who are within their leagues,men just tend to choose the best in town"

cursedgirl

By cursedgirl
in Dating Advice

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Fudgie Grand Master

Fudgie

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Yeah I think you're right ToV. I really agree with you.

 

As I've said before to LBS (and, as always, I whole-heartedly mean it) the thing that is causing him to fail here is his own attitude. Forget the body, forget the hair, forget all of that. His fixation on women, particularly the beautiful ones, feeds into these ideas and his anxiety. It's a neverending cycle.

 

I would be willing to bet that a lot of these things that LBS is saying is coming out of being upset over not finding someone yet and also spending too much time obsessing on the subject. I know when I sit and obsess about something, things get distorted. It's not a good combination.

 

Fudgie, it's a good thing you didn't have the same mindest as LBS (or me) because you would have missed out on a great thing. I often wonder what would have happened if I hadn't been so afraid of getting involved with the one I want. I'd probably be married to him now instead of posting on a message board at 39 years old, still being single, wondering if I'd ever get married, if he'll come around, or if I'll find someone else if he don't. I fear he's heading down the same road.

 

newwave, I'm really sorry that happened and I do hope you can find someone who you care about.

In fact, I hope LBS does too and realizes what he's doing. It's a sad sight to see, really.

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newwave Community Regular

newwave

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newwave, I'm really sorry that happened and I do hope you can find someone who you care about.

In fact, I hope LBS does too and realizes what he's doing. It's a sad sight to see, really.

 

Thanks. I really hope the one I want comes around because I think I'll truly regret this the rest of my days. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy knowing as of now I am not with the one I feel is the one because of a stupid mistake I made years ago. If LBS doesn't change his mind he might find himself like me and he may regret it years from now when most of the good people are chosen and all that's left are a few finds but mostly scraps (ie people with heavy baggage). He might be on here saying the exact same things I am. He might find himself crying for months because he blew his chance.

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Jake Contributor

Jake

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I'll be honest, in my teens I used to be attracted to the jaw dropper girl but I've changed and now I realize looks only hold initial surface attraction / importance.

 

I attend a very large university and there are girls everywhere. Thing is, I only look at beauty at face value now, sure she's beautiful but what's her personality like?

 

I feel like I have a void that can't be filled. I'm so lonely and I have such a strong desire to fall in love that I have a hard time thinking of much else.

 

I'm looking for a girl with a heart of gold, someone that will make me smile once again when I think of just her name, someone that will make me feel again. Because I no longer sing in the shower, I no longer am a child at heart, I no longer feel happiness and when I do it's for a moment and then it's gone.

 

 

"A man makes the living, but his women makes life worth living." (quote from my Uncle's speech at the Engagement of his brother)

 

 

-Jake

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LightbulbSun Rising Star

LightbulbSun

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I was extremely hurt by that, Fudgie. What I said probably was hurtful, too, but I guess I'm so used to being alone and looking at porn, that I expect that type of woman.

 

Maybe I should try to stop looking at porn for a while? It's clear that my focus is on the wrong things. It would be different if I looked like the guys in the porn flicks, but I obviously don't...therefore I shouldn't aim for those types of girls. ToV is right, I'm sabotaging myself.

 

I'll just start talking to women and finding out whether I like their personalities. And if there's anything I learned recently, it's that an ugly personality can make a beautiful woman ugly. See my 'Facebook friend' thread on here for more info on that.

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Sparkly Eyes Collaborator

Sparkly Eyes

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Regardless, people don't seem to like me on here. I'd be better off on a different forum.

 

You say one thing one day, another thing the next. I'm not sure what you want to hear as most possible solutions to your problem have already been exhaustively discussed. You want to be picky yet have not much to offer yourself. Well guess what? life usually doesn't work that way. If you want to wait even more for the odd possibility to happen, be my guest.

 

ENA is one of the most respectful forums you can find. Anywhere else, they'd probably be fed up by your (or anyone's) problems way quicker than here.

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newwave Community Regular

newwave

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Regardless, people don't seem to like me on here. I'd be better off on a different forum.

 

Seriously I think you are over reacting. I doubt Fudge was insulting you. In fact she's one of the nicest people here so I don't think it was nasty at all what she said. I don't think people dislike you, just that you are way more picky than you should be. No one is telling you to only date people you find repulsive, just keep it more level and not just try unattainable people.

 

I respect them, I just wouldn't date them. I have standards.

 

Now my standards are probably unrealistic, based upon what I look like. So I have to change my standards, or accept that I'll never get a girl like that unless I pay for it.

 

Everyone has standards and this is acceptable. I mean look at all the times I've been bashed because I don't date dads. That is my standard. I know people that won't date outside their race or religion, that's their standard. I get that. However, too many people (mostly men) think they can be picky lookwise and this isn't alwys true. Most people end up marrying people around their look level. Sure we've all seen situations where a good looking person was dating a homely person but these aren't common.

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LightbulbSun Rising Star

LightbulbSun

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Right here you said you respected beautiful women more.

 

Anybody can be my friend. I am friends with women I find downright ugly...the difference? I don't want to get into their pants.

 

I don't understand why Fudgie was so offended by what I said. For the record, I've seen her picture, and I find her attractive. There are some girls that guys drool over, that I don't see what the big deal is. I personally have always found Britney Spears and Angelina Jolie ugly, and that has been a controversial thing among my guy friends. I personally think Brad Pitt made a huge mistake when he ditched Jennifer Aniston, because Jen Aniston is a cutie...Angelina is just butt ugly.

 

I dunno...maybe there's something to personality changing a person's perspectives and attraction towards a member of the opposite sex. I've never been friends with someone I found unattractive, and then found that, as I got to know her, that she was cute. Sorry, it's never happened. What's usually happened is that I find a girl neutral looking, learn more about her through conversation, and find myself crushing on her. Like the yoga girl I mentioned last week. I didn't even register her beauty until I got to know her, and then suddenly she became incredibly sexy.

 

You know what my problem is? I think I have trouble either understanding other people or explaining myself on here. This is what I meant: I will not date a woman I find unattractive. I WILL, however, date someone who's looks are neutral to me and that I find myself attracted to over time. And I am a face person, so if she has a pretty face and doesn't have a model's body, she'll still be sexy to me.

 

I hope that makes people understand where I'm coming from. I basically don't want someone I find facially unattractive.

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LightbulbSun Rising Star

LightbulbSun

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Seriously I think you are over reacting. I doubt Fudge was insulting you. In fact she's one of the nicest people here so I don't think it was nasty at all what she said. I don't think people dislike you, just that you are way more picky than you should be. No one is telling you to only date people you find repulsive, just keep it more level and not just try unattainable people.

 

I wasn't aiming that at Fudgie by the way. I was hurt by her response, because she seemed to be hurt by mine, and I respect her too much to want to get into a war with her.

 

I was aiming that at people who seem to get off on attacking me for MY preferences. And laughs at my misery. People like that seem to think all older virgins fit into one specific box, and if they don't, then they are too shallow or have too high of a standards. Instead of just being unlucky and not willing to date someone who wouldn't be able to get an erection out of them.

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newwave Community Regular

newwave

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I wasn't aiming that at Fudgie by the way. I was hurt by her response, because she seemed to be hurt by mine, and I respect her too much to want to get into a war with her.

 

I was aiming that at people who seem to get off on attacking me for MY preferences. And laughs at my misery. People like that seem to think all older virgins fit into one specific box, and if they don't, then they are too shallow or have too high of a standards. Instead of just being unlucky and not willing to date someone who wouldn't be able to get an erection out of them.

 

Well if people are laughing at you, just ignore them. I've been attacked by quite a few here and I just laugh it off. They don't know me or ever would. They don't know the entire story of my situation and I haven't posted everything.

 

 

Like I said I get not dating someone you aren't attracted to. However the reality is sometimes things develop. Most of the relationships I know developed from years long friendships. We often see comments about friendzone here but my personal experience is very different.

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LightbulbSun Rising Star

LightbulbSun

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But why did you say you respected beautiful women more?

 

What does respect have to do with beauty?

 

What does respect have to do with sexual attraction?

 

All I said is that I wouldn't date someone I wasn't attracted to. Where you pulled that I respect attractive women more out of that, I don't know.

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LightbulbSun Rising Star

LightbulbSun

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and I need to get past it by treating all women the same. Not treat the beautiful ones with any more respect than the average ones''

You're the one who said it.

 

And I put my foot in my mouth, because that's not what I meant at all. It was worded poorly.

 

What I meant is that I need to treat the attractive girls like I treat the unattractive girls. Not put them up on a pedestal.

 

I can be friends with everyone. It's when I want to go beyond friendship with the girls I feel sexual tension towards, that I choke.

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newwave Community Regular

newwave

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LBS, I'm going to tell you a story and think about it. I was once friends with this guy who liked me but I had no feelings beyond friendship. He was fat, smelly (rarely bathed), unemployed, a pervert, lived with his parents, around 40, bad personality, not intelligent and dress poorly. I once took him to an art exhibit (I used to model for artists) and he wore shoes with holes in them and started a fight with the artist. Guess what kind of girl he wanted? Tall, blonde, nice figure, about 25, great job, owned house, etc. He'd go to singles events and meet average girls (though above him) who he'd reject. He once rejected a girl who had a decent job but was a little chubby (though nothing like him). He did this to many women. He's now over 50 and as far as I know still single. Do you want to be like him?

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Cognitive_Canine Enthusiast

Cognitive_Canine

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And I put my foot in my mouth, because that's not what I meant at all. It was worded poorly.

 

What I meant is that I need to treat the attractive girls like I treat the unattractive girls. Not put them up on a pedestal.

 

I can be friends with everyone. It's when I want to go beyond friendship with the girls I feel sexual tension towards, that I choke.

 

Fair enough. I just wanted to clear that up because it came accross very badly.

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LightbulbSun Rising Star

LightbulbSun

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No, I don't. Although he is much worse off than I am, because I:

 

- Bathe once a day, sometimes twice a day, and wear deodorant/cologne

- Live alone in an apartment

- I think I have a really good personality, and am very intelligent.

- I throw out clothes that are ratty, and wear newish clothes. I dress very well, although still like a rockstar (t shirt and jeans.)

- I am a musician, so that's a point in my favor.

 

But I see your point. And no, I wouldn't reject a chubby girl, if she had a pretty face and we got along. One of my previous crushes was very chubby, nerdish (in a cute way), but VERY pretty. The difference was...she had a boyfriend. Now she's single, and I'm afraid to ask her out, even though we're friends...because I don't want to face rejection.

 

See, it all comes back to low self esteem and the fear of rejection. If I didn't fear that, I would be in a relationship now. Personality matters as much to me as looks. If an attractive girl has a crappy personality, she becomes ugly in my eyes. And everyone has different views on what is attractive.

 

The biggest block that stops me from actually getting with a girl is being afraid to talk to and get to know a girl on a deeper level. And I think that this is because I fear getting hurt. I was bullied growing up...I find comfort in knowing that at least I have myself and I don't have to be afraid of myself hurting me. But then again, I'm very lonely, too, so in a way I AM hurting myself.

 

This is probably the most honest post I've made here, and something I've only covered in therapy.

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Fudgie Grand Master

Fudgie

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That makes sense LBS. Thanks for sharing that with us.

 

When we have been hurt, it's easy to put up walls and stop ourselves from getting close to people. I really hope you can work though this. I too have been bullied by other women and it still affects me today.

 

It's sad because it seems you really want that connection but are too scared to seek it out, so you make excuses.

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LightbulbSun Rising Star

LightbulbSun

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That was a great post LBS and I do have a few suggestions. Since you are friends with her, why not ask her out "as friends"? Nothing serious just hanging out.

 

That's a good idea.

 

I haven't seen the new Harry Potter (well, I saw it on my computer, but not in the theaters.) Maybe I should ask her if she'd like to go see it with me?

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