Physically attracted, but...

[laboheme]

I just started dating a new guy, and I definitely see the potential for more. But -- and this is going to sound REALLY shallow, and I'm ashamed of it -- he's a bit pudgy, and I can't get over that.

 

Fully clothed, I think he's gorgeous. We've got great chemistry, too -- both in conversation and physically. He's so sensual and seductive, it's amazing...but once the clothes come off, it's kind of an unpleasant shock, especially since all the guys I've been with were athletic, and I'm in really good shape myself.

 

From what I gather, he's not a couch potato and he doesn't eat fast food. I'm not sure if he's happy with the way he is or if he's working on his weight...

 

Anyway, if we were in a relationship, I'd know how to handle things (had lots of practice introducing formerly pudgy friends to the joys of hiking and tennis!). But we're just starting to see each other, so is the fact that I'm bothered by his weight at these early stages a sign that I should end things now? He's so wonderful otherwise, though!

[Ms Darcy]

If you aren't physically attracted when he takes his clothes off, that means you aren't going to want to do things with him when his clothes are off. I know you are feeling bad, but I think if it hinders your ability to be intimate with him and you have just started dating, you should consider moving on.

 

There are lots of men who want slender, athletic women. It's not unreasonable for a woman to have physical standards as well.

[ryan250]

There is nothing wrong with how you feel.

 

I would feel the same exact way. Pudgy is a terrible turn-off.

 

Don't go forcing something you can't control. When you see your partner naked, you should feel euphoria.

[Batya33]

It's fine to have physical standards but if you are looking for long term how would you deal with it if your husband/SO became pudgy?

[Fudgie]

I'm with Batya, it's fine to have physical standards and I don't think you should settle, but for the long-term, what is going to happen? Many husbands become "pudgy". I think it's a part of getting older and when your metabolism slows down before your eating does. It happens to a lot of people.

[laboheme]

If you aren't physically attracted when he takes his clothes off, that means you aren't going to want to do things with him when his clothes are off. I know you are feeling bad, but I think if it hinders your ability to be intimate with him and you have just started dating, you should consider moving on.

 

Hmm. I am still attracted to him when his clothes are off. We have done things, and I'm very happy to have done those things. I guess it's maybe the idea of pudgy that I don't like rather than the actual person?

 

I'm with Batya, it's fine to have physical standards and I don't think you should settle, but for the long-term, what is going to happen? Many husbands become "pudgy". I think it's a part of getting older and when your metabolism slows down before your eating does. It happens to a lot of people.

 

Fair enough. But where does one draw the line? It's too early to think about him as a potential middle-aged husband, but if he's pudgy in his 20s, maybe he's at risk of becoming obese later on? Then again, if we were in a relationship, I'm sure I could get him at least somewhat involved in all the fun active things that I do, thus minimizing the risk...

[The Archer]

It's fine to have physical standards but if you are looking for long term how would you deal with it if your husband/SO became pudgy?

 

In my experience I become a lot more relaxed about physical appearance once I’m inside a committed relationship and have that bond. I tend to idealize my partners body to a certain extent and I think this is fairly common when there are emotions involved.

 

However I’d have trouble entering a relationship with a woman who didn’t have a flat stomach. I have an athletic figure, I enjoy running and exercise in general so I tend to go for women that have a similar figure (female equivalent).

 

Once I’m with someone and have feelings for her I wouldn’t just run for the hills because she put on a few pounds. It may not even make any noticeable difference.

 

OP - I can see your problem. I honestly don’t know what to recommend but keep in mind that you feeling sexually interested in him is crucial. It’s not fair to enter a relationship with someone we’re not sexually interested in. Very hurtful.

So the question is are you sexually attracted to him “enough” to make it work? Only you can answer that question. Keep in mind sexual attraction can grow with time when we are more relaxed about the relationship.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I know people might not agree...but sometimes honesty is the best option. Tell them that you like guys who are athletic and that you are athletic yourself. See if he gets encouraged to work out a little more. If he does, then you know you are compatible his weight problem will also get solved with time.

[Fudgie]

Fair enough. But where does one draw the line? It's too early to think about him as a potential middle-aged husband, but if he's pudgy in his 20s, maybe he's at risk of becoming obese later on? Then again, if we were in a relationship, I'm sure I could get him at least somewhat involved in all the fun active things that I do, thus minimizing the risk...

 

Honestly, I don't know where to draw the line. I guess I'm just saying that it's fine to have physical standards but realize that someday, your SO may very well be pudgy. You may be fine with that and that's cool - our idea of beauty can change when we get older. But you'd be surprised, I know some girls who are VERY focused on looks and tell me that they'd have difficulty with their SOs in the future because they can't fathom being with someone who doesn't look hot. Yikes! I doubt you're like this though. Just realize that things may change.

 

I don't know his health history. Maybe he has been pudgy his whole life, maybe he is just pudgy now, from college or something. Lots of things could be going on. But you're right, being overweight is NOT good.