Starting to heal

[SA2000]

It has been 7 weeks since the ex and I broke up after 3 great years, 1 ok one, and 1 from hell. I have faced my emotions head on and tried to work through and understand them. Previously when we broke up I was a mess. I did and read everything to get her back only to lose her again. I was a mess again this time but knew I could not chase her.

 

But things are starting to feel a little different each day. I am starting to look forward instead of back. I feel as though I want to do more things as an individual without worrying about consulting anyone else. Maybe this is just the only child in me, but I am starting to feel free.

 

I have been traveling on a whim and am looking forward to living in my own apartment. All I can think about is how it will be completely my own. I realize that my head is healing faster then my heart. I miss her but realize she isn't who she was when I met her.

 

I had dinner with an old friend who brought some things to light. I realize this old friend is still attracted to me (we dated 6 years ago and got along great. I wasnt ready for a relationship at the time.) but she made some valid points about how the ex and I seemed so different personality wise. This was the first time I could flat out feel myself letting go.

 

Since then I have been back and forth. I feel as though I am breaking a habit slowly. I still respond to the ex's texts but my outlook is changing. I feel as though I no longer need to be in a relationship.

 

Is anyone else moving on? Is anyone else looking forward to the freedom that comes with being single? It feels strange to be pulled in two different directions at once. My heart wants my ex. My head wants to be alone. Is this normal?

[MsMargarita]

Sounds perfectly normal to me. My state is worse: I both enjoy and fear the forthcoming freedom. Missing the great moments and being intimate, missing the peace of heart, yet knowing i am less limited. I suppose we should listen to our reason not our hearts at this situation, as the unreasonable hearts have failed us and left us to heal!

[The_Seeker]

I agree with you SA2000. I like my freedom because I'm making new guy friends and they're a lot of fun. I'm not hanging out with the girls as much because they complain and never do anything fun when I suggest something. Bummer.

 

Anyhoo, I do miss my idiot at times. Funny, our anniversary is coming up in October. Let's see if he says that "I regret about us, I want us to back together again" etc. It will be quite interesting.

 

I don't want a relationship right now. I want to develop more friendships. I am not going to be friends with my ex. Therefore, he has the freedom to date other girls and have the "experience of a lifetime." It's what he wanted in the first place. I'll let him have a huge taste of it.

 

In the mean time, I'm going to get my college degree, get a career, and be financially career before I start dating again.

[SA2000]

Awesome Seeker. Get it done. It took me longer then it should have to get my degree but well worth the effort. Find something you want to do and do it. Now is the time to be a better you. Just keep looking forward not back.

[SocialStigma]

Yes, definitely. I'm 3 months and 4 days post breakup after 3.5+ years together. The break up came as a shock to me (even though I did it) because we were happy otherwise and had no major issues. I think that has been the reason why I've been slow to heal but I'm now over 2 weeks NC and no longer want to even be with him. I still love him though (grr) and wonder if he thinks about me, if he misses me, etc. Going on my first date since the breakup this weekend and it terrifies me, I don't want a relationship at all but I do think the longer I put off getting myself out there, the more scared I'll be when the time comes.

[Philos]

I'm starting to heal and move on now. It's tougher for me because I found out she started seeing someone almost instantly, I got fired, and a couple other bad things came my way. I started school this past monday, and that's helping. I just have to move forward with my life and have faith that things will get better with time and personal progress.

[SA2000]

My ex comes poking around about once a week. I haven't gone complete NC but it doesnt set me back like it used to. Now I look forward to my solitude and the people I will meet in the future. It's nice to have a clean slate to work with. No past problems or issues to try to get over or move past and no old baggage that just wont seem to go away. A breath of fresh air.

 

I am looking forward to introducing someone to my life again. That is an exciting time in a relationship. Getting to know someone on a deeper level has always interested me. What makes them tick and how they came to be the person they are now. But I am in no rush to do so. That has to follow it's natural path. Break ups teach you a lesson. This time really has allowed me to be a better me.

[SA2000]

Seriously, who have I become? How did I get here? From being happy & confident all the time to this. There comes a time where I have to pick myself up off of the floor. It's time to get back on track. I've mourned long enough. Time Yo get my head off of my chest.

[The_Seeker]

Awesome Seeker. Get it done. It took me longer then it should have to get my degree but well worth the effort. Find something you want to do and do it. Now is the time to be a better you. Just keep looking forward not back.

 

=] Why thank you, SA2000!

 

Yeah I'm doing whatever I can. Since I'm moving out of my parents' home (Too much drama). I'm working 2 different part-time jobs while still going to school and being a club executive board member to two clubs, and still working out. I don't know how I manage all of this.

 

;] Like you said, keep moving forward and never look back.

 

LOL But I do look back on my first relationship. I wonder if he ever thinks the "What-ifs?"

[Snowy]

LOL But I do look back on my first relationship. I wonder if he ever thinks the "What-ifs?"

 

Ahh me too.

[The_Seeker]

Ahh me too.

 

I hate that when it happens.

[SA2000]

Rough day today. She called and texted yesterday. I didn't answer or respond. I have to stay strong. I will get through this.

[sadchick83]

Good for you SA, Im so glad you are where you are!

[SA2000]

Today is day 8 with No Contact. She texted me a few times over the last few days and called once. Although it's hard I haven't responded. The last time we talked she said she was going to date the other guy seriously. Since then she has posted a few sad quotes on her Twitter account which she knows I read. She has texted me asking where I was and other meaningless questions. I will continue NC for as long as it takes for me to heal. I am finally not doing this for her.

 

The question is at what point would you or should you respond? If she continues to contact me (which I doubt) at what point should I respond? Never?

 

I guess this is better then being strung along.

 

At the same time I have been casually dating someone else. We get along great but I am in no place to go beyond dating and wont be for a long time. I have made a conscious effort to not see her too much as I don't want to lead her on. She is so funny though.

 

There are many things about this girl that would not allow me to ever see her as a potential long term partner but I really appreciate her being in my life right now. Is it wrong for me to rebound if I know that is what is happening?

 

I am going to hit the gym on a more regular basis to let the natural anti-depressants start to do their magic.

 

Now the most difficult part is not having that special person. Yeah, I have people to keep me company or tell me I am great, or look at me the way she used to, but it isn't the same. That is the hardest part. Coming to terms with the fact that she was supposed to be it. She was supposed to be the woman I did everything with. I understand that we started dating while she was really young and had not really dated before (she was 20 I was 24) and that at some point she was going to feel as though she needed to see the world but that doesnt make it any easier.

 

Now I will focus on getting my own place. That will be a big step in the right direction. After that I will start prepairing to buy a property and continue to focus on my business. Having something to look forward too helps.

 

Apparently my friend from work has a lady he wants to set me up with. Thats cool. My Mom says once word gets out that I am really single that it wont be long before my phone starts ringing. Thanks Mom!

[oasisrob22]

The last time we talked she said she was going to date the other guy seriously.

 

That right there is why you keep up the NC. That reason alone. My ex JUST got into a relationship and still wanted to follow me on Twitter and stay updated on my life, but I put my foot down and said no. I guarantee she will text me at least once by the end of this weekend. I'm going to ignore it. She's lost the right to know what's going on in my life.

 

And with your ex now dating the other guy seriously, she has lost that right, too.

 

Does she follow your Twitter at all? If so, I would put your tweets to private (if you haven't done so already), then remove her from your followers. My ex would text me random things all last month such as "I'm sorry you're having a bad day" or "Congrats on your exam" or "Was that last tweet about me?". It made me feel somewhat uncomfortable.

[SA2000]

My ex does read my Twitter. I know because I will post something and she will text me regarding what I posted. I don't want to go private as I feel it discorages others from following me and I use it for business purposes as well. I will limit what I post on Twitter though as I don't want her knowing what I am doing, who I am with, or where I am.

 

She can read my tweets if she wants but it's pretty pointless as I usually am just joking around. I have already asked that she doesn't follow me. I feel like this will only make things worse for her. She will have to read into my tweets without being able to contact me to verify if she is understanding them correctly.

 

I admit that I do check hers from time to time which needs to stop. I hadn't checked it in a while, but I was feeling a little down on Saturday. She posted "All of the signs are pointing in the same direction. #WhatAmIDoing?" I will admit that that brought a smile to my face. Of course had she posted "Having so much fun with my baby" I probably would have thrown my phone through a window.

 

If you block someone on Twitter, would that stop them from seeing your profile if they are logged in? Or does it just make it so they can't follow you?

[oasisrob22]

Unfortunately, you can't block someone if your tweets are public. I stopped checking hers a looooong time ago because I would get paranoid and over-analyze every little tweet.

[SA2000]

Yeah I should stop checking her account. I know that she posts there so I will read it. She is a BIG FBer and hardly ever posts on Twitter. Everyone she knows on Twitter she is FB friends with other than me. So she posts there so I will read it. But its just making things harder.

 

It's funny how she will go a week or so without posting on Twitter. Then right around the time she starts calling again she will start posting on Twitter again. I guess that does make sense though as this is the only other way for her to communicate.

[Philos]

Yeah I should stop checking her account. I know that she posts there so I will read it. She is a BIG FBer and hardly ever posts on Twitter. Everyone she knows on Twitter she is FB friends with other than me. So she posts there so I will read it. But its just making things harder.

 

It's funny how she will go a week or so without posting on Twitter. Then right around the time she starts calling again she will start posting on Twitter again. I guess that does make sense though as this is the only other way for her to communicate.

 

Quit facebook and twitter.

 

Problems solved.

 

Everytime I read something involving facebook on this forum, it's usually something that really makes it a lot harder on the dumpee. I'm glad I never joined either, because my ex is big on facebook, and I know it would be just too tough for me.

[sunnyv]

i agree back off on the facebook. its just breakup hell. you deserve not to know what she is doing and trust me if she has time to post what she is doing its really not that fun at all. cause if it was fun she wouldnt 'have time to post it.

[SA2000]

True. I am not friends with her on Facebook so I don't have to worry about that. I don't want to have to quit twitter just because of her but I guess I could and change my Facebook to private. I don't want it to seem as though I am trying that hard to get rid of her. I prefer being non-chalant in my NC. You know I am alive and that I am not answering on purpose but I am not going to put any effort into trying to get rid of you.

 

She made a mistake in leaving. Twice. She realized her mistake once but we didn't take enough time off. Now its time for me to get my head back on straight. I feel like changing anything now would make it obvious that I am trying to be a jerk. I want it to seem as though I just don't care. Until I really dont.

 

But why is it that I find NC so much harder then NIC? Knowing that she has tried to contact me is tough. I know I am above all of these silly childish games and the back and forth with me and other dude but knowing she is trying to reach me and I am not responding is KILLING me. I guess if she really had something important to say she would find a way to say it.

[GotMyLifeBack]

It just changes everything when there's a third person involved. That makes progress for you and your ex impossible. It also makes progress with your ex and other dude impossible.

 

NC is hard, no question about it. As you know, I'm restarting it after making my desire for reconciliation known and having it swatted back at me. But in my case, and I think in yours, NC is less painful than the alternatives.

[SA2000]

Agreed. I have made numerous attempts to reconcile. I told her once that if we break up, that things will never be the same. Now we are at a point where we have to be strangers. It sucks but this is what she asked for. I am not going to be plan B.

[SA2000]

Does anyone else here turn into someone else when they are in a long term relationship? I know that when you meet someone new you are putting your best foot forward to attract them, but do you find that you change once the relationship gets really serious?

 

I seem to have become some strange introvert with no confidence and no desire to do much. Maybe this is what they call "depression" but I would say I have been here for a few years now. But as I move towards acceptance I find that I am more talkative, more comfortable in my own skin, less concerned with what others think or worried about being judged, and generally have a higher level of confidence. It seems as though I am becoming the man I was before the relationship when I was on my own and less the little boy I became after I felt "safe" or what not.

 

I feel as though the killer instinct in me is awakening.

 

Does everyone go through this at some point? Is this what they call "healing"?

[SA2000]

I've found the cure to this heartbreak biz! There is this place they call the "gym". They have a machine that you run in place on. It cures everything! I'm going to get a patent on this strange thing.