Starting to heal

[Staple]

To be honest from my experience when someone is still posting here they have not moved on.

[SA2000]

Haha. Of course I haven't REALLY moved on yet.

[SA2000]

I need some help. I think I might be starting to rebound now? I saw this girl a few weeks ago when I went out of town. She was in a city that is about 2 hours away from where I live. We dated for a few months before my current ex and have always gotten along great. We have the same sense of humor so it's pretty much nonstop joking around.

 

So I hung out with her a few times over the last few weekends. It seems like every time I see her, she always wants to see me again the next day. She is funny so I don't mind texting her. She was dating a guy when I first ran into her but she broke up with him a week later. Maybe she is on the bounce as well?

 

The problem is that although she is cool and we get along so well I could never REALLY date her. She is very attractive just not my style. I feel like the more we talk the more attached she will become and that is not what I need right now. I want to date but not seriously.

 

All the while I am still missing my ex but OK with out her. She drops little signs here and there to let me know that she misses me too. I feel as though after all is said and done we will stay in very LC (once every 2 weeks to a month) until we are honestly ready. Then we will end up back together and that will be that. I'm not sure why I feel that way but I do. Its as if I know what is supposed to happen and I just need to allow it to happen.

 

So do I distance myself from the new girl? We have so much fun. If she understands the situation is what I am doing wrong?

 

If she were to tell me that she was going to date someone else and thought we should not hang out anymore I would honestly be perfectly OK with that.

[GotMyLifeBack]

It sounds like you are indeed healing. It's somewhat concerning that during the relationship you somehow felt diminished. That's not good. Being with someone should enhance who you are, not take away from you. Maybe as you get a better and better understanding of how your relationship developed and then fell apart, you'll get a better idea of changes in yourself you want to work on, and also you may become interested in a different sort of partner.

[GotMyLifeBack]

All the while I am still missing my ex but OK with out her. She drops little signs here and there to let me know that she misses me too. I feel as though after all is said and done we will stay in very LC (once every 2 weeks to a month) until we are honestly ready. Then we will end up back together and that will be that. I'm not sure why I feel that way but I do. Its as if I know what is supposed to happen and I just need to allow it to happen.

 

I understand that feeling. Sometimes I have it too. Only you know what the best way to proceed is, but I would definitely lean toward honesty and tell the other woman that you really enjoy her but don't feel that you want to take it beyond friendship. You could explain why. She might appreciate your candor. There's also a chance she'll feel so friend-zoned she won't want to hang out with you anymore, but it would be worse to lead her on.

[SA2000]

I understand what went wrong. There was a time where I no longer made her feel safe. She tried to tell me but I wasn't happy and didnt know why. I was going through the whole mid 20s thing and had cold feet. I know that I want to be with someone like my ex who was a very caring person. She has a lot of insecurities so obviously I want someone who is a little more secure but I may have assisted her in her insecurities.

 

I felt diminished through a lot of my own doing. I started to depend on other peoples approval to make myself happy and was going out with people I really didn't care about instead of the person who cared most about me. I realize what went wrong after taking a fair amount of time away from the situation and know going forward that true happiness comes from within. It's like somewhere along the line I forgot this and lost my confidence.

 

Now that I realize where I needed to change I am able to face those changes head on. Unfortunately my ex is going through what I went through and can't figure out why she is not happy with her life. I actually discussed this with her before we broke up. I honestly do appreciate who she is as a person and love a lot of qualities about her that most would not even knew existed without really getting to know her. I don't however like the poor dicisions she is making and won't validate them by chasing after her. When she gets to the point in her life that I am at now we can possibly reconcile. But I doubt she gets to that point any time soon. And by the time she does I may have already found someone who has similar qualities.

[GotMyLifeBack]

You're doing both her and yourself a favor by not chasing her. She's got to grow in her own way, and not put energy into the flight response. It sounds like you're doing great.

[sunnyv]

SA what you are going through is normal. Keep running on that treadmill. It it takes your mind off it for a bit then talk to the other girl. You still love your ex so your heart is not ready yet to progress or move on but you can still smile..

[SA2000]

So I was out with the new girl and I get a text from the ex. She says our dog is really sick and asks where I am. I had already had a few beers and was dropping off the girl I am kind of hanging out with so I responded asking what was wrong with him. She said that he had an intestinal problem but that he would be fine. She then called me and we talked for about 20 minutes.

 

Im not sure why I answered knowing that she was only texting me to see if I would respond. We just caught up on how my Mom is doing and how things are going for her at work. She asked that I keep her in the loop on my Mom and said she would talk to me later.

 

I was pretty non chalant during the conversation and don't plan on calling her back. At this point I am starting to heal pretty well and won't allow this to be a set back. I just think it's funny that her calls are becoming so predictable and now she is using excuses to call.

[SA2000]

What a difference a few days make, hey? I went right back to where I was before. Telling ol' ex that I love her and want her in my life. After all this I am still showing her all of my cards.

 

Something funny happened this morning though. I was scratching my back and I felt something back there. It was kind of bumpy. Then I remembered what it was. It was my back bone. Turns out it IS still there. Well now that I know that I need to start acting like its there. I have been really patient and understanding through all of this. I have waited quietly for the ex to come back and have welcomed her back at any sign that that is what she wants. Well at some point you have to start to regain your own identity and self respect.

 

Asome point I have to say enough. She wants to be "friends". Well my friends are a pretty solid group. We have always been there for each other and have always been real. So you can't be a friend of mine acting the way you act. Sorry.

 

I am starting to realize that a lot of this has to do with how I view my life. I am not comfortable with my current surroundings as I had to move out of an apartment I loved. I am holding on to the idea that the ex = comfort. But I should never tie my comfort to another person because then I have to depend on them to maintain it. I now have to rebuild a comfortable life on my own which I had before she came into the picture 5 years ago. Ill get there. I just have to be a little patient. Good things are on the horizon though.

[tha16thletter]

Read most all of your threads, SA. You and I are a LOT alike in our responses, and even in our style of writing on here. Two confident cats that got tied up, handing over our balls to a female because we thought "this is it". I'll never forget, my ex told me that I was always the first guy that taught her "swag (I'm black and she's white... LOL). She said my demeanor and my aura was always the first thing that attracted her to me. She told me that I just spilled confidence and a love for life. Fast forward to today, and we're sitting around mourning our damn loses! Where did we go, man?! Well, I'm tired of feeling pitiful and sad. I'm gettin' my ass back up, and reclaiming my OWN happiness. When she sees me next, I will be back to myself- no, better. And maybe she'll get lucky and I'll be available, but probably not.

 

We have to be individuals again, homie. Remember those good times where you could walk with your head up high, relationship or not. Where you spent your evenings doing things for/by yourself, and were cool with it. Once we begin to exude that confidence and that "swagger" again, not only will they want us back- but we wont CARE if they do!

 

.02 for the jar.

[SA2000]

With my ex and I, we are both Mixed. I am not saying its hard being a mixed kid because I personally think it was easier but it was like her and I had a strange bond. When I would go visit one side of her family or the other neither one of us felt out of place because we are used to being the only mixed ones. When I met her she chased me for months.She is a very attractive lady but I knew that I had to be different then every other guy chasing her (she was a cheerleader for a professional sports team/college student/bartender). So I kind of put her on the back burner. She never gave up. Fast forward years later and I am a completely different person. We both got our degrees and after that just got lost.

 

Lately I have been hitting the gym way harder. I fell off big time over the last few years and lost about 20 lbs of muscle. I am working on a promotion at the office which I am pretty sure I have a really good shot at getting (the hiring manager told me to post for it) and just trying to keep my head up. I am doing everything to get my confidence back. Lately my stock has been on the rise with the ladies which also helps. I'm starting to be my old outgoing self again. Although my ex had confidence when I met her, she was a mess internally. I taught her how to be proud of who she was. Then I lost myself. I used to have that aura or "swagger" or charisma or whatever you want to call it and I knew it. I wasn't cocky but I was definitely comfortable. Im working to get back to that point and I am close.

 

But Im with you. Over all I feel as though I will be happier after its all said and done and will know that although I can show the right person a deeper level, I can't ever give up who I am. Let them be addicted to that cool charm again and don't ever lose it. Whether it be our exs or our nexts. Haha.

 

We have to be individuals again, homie. Remember those good times where you could walk with your head up high, relationship or not. Where you spent your evenings doing things for/by yourself, and were cool with it. Once we begin to exude that confidence and that "swagger" again, not only will they want us back- but we wont CARE if they do!

 

Exactly how I feel.

[SA2000]

Crazy how the world works. I was having a pretty down day over all. One of the worst I have had in a while. Its probably because I am hung over and am at work. I usually dont drink on week nights but I was bored last night so I went out. I have been stressing over my ex's extremely mixed signals and questioning how to react. I have been somewhat distant even though she told me she wanted to get back together. I was expecting more from her but she hasn't shown it which leads me to believe that nothing has changed and she is/was just missing me but doesn't really want to get back together. For some reason this stressed me more then normal and made me question the amount of attention I have been giving her.

 

So my boss comes over and says the interview I had the other day went very well and that the manager of the other area told him he should be proud of me. I talked to a friend in the office who seems to be moving up extremely quickly. We talked about the salary of the position he just left which would be in the near future for me. Lets just say that they do well. So now I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have a lot to look forward to and can't let the ex be a distraction to me now. I am sure when my pockets are fat she will come a knockin. Haha.

 

Its too bad it had to end when it did. We are seriously like a year away from everything we always wanted. A young couple making good money and enjoying life. Now Ill be a good looking single guy with a great job making good money. And she let that go.

 

I love being the one that got away.

[SA2000]

I just called the ex. I was basically going to tell her that I dont know what her deal is. She texts me and calls me for days and then starts acting all shady when we start to communicate again. One day she says she wants to be with me. The next she is acting distant. Stop sending mixed signals. She texts me back after like 8 hours and is really short. Then when I call 2 minutes later she doesnt answer. Now I remember why I was so glad to be out. She hasn't changed in the last year. She went from being a sweet, innocent, loving girl to someone I dont even know anymore. What the hell happened?

 

I am glad that she didn't answer. I am done with these games. I felt like * * * * all day today because I thought I was being a jerk and being distant. I owe her nothing.

[Iconoclast]

That should be all the confirmation you need. I think she was emotional when she sent that reconciliation text (which was really a diary entry) and the true motivation for it was just to make sure you were still hung up on her. Now that she knows it and got her ego validation she is backing off. Just my two cents. Congrats on the job situation! Keep your head up and hopefully you'll have that promotion and smoking hot new lady in no time.

[SA2000]

Haha. Yeah for sure. She called me later and I was as cool as the breeze. * * * * it. I'm above it. I'm not stressing over anybody. I'm on my path.

[The_Seeker]

Hey SA2000! Your gurl is very evil to do that to you. You handled it very well. You can totally do better than her. Seriously.

 

Knowing me, if my ex ever did that to me, I tell him something very bad!

[CloudedSoul]

[quote=SA2000;4527462She went from being a sweet, innocent, loving girl to someone I dont even know anymore. What the hell happened?

Man, I am so sorry. I am in this position as well, I was with my ex for 5 years and she was the most nice, loving, caring girl in the world and willing to do anything for me. Now, since she broke us up 9 days ago and even a little before she's become this selfish, uncaring, mean, stubborn and ungreatful person I never knew. I know how it is and it sucks, How old is she? mine is 24, and has an extreme case of GIGS. She still wants to be best friends, but what the hell?? why would I want to hear about her new love interests.....ehhh.....don't worry though you aren't alone and will get through this in time.

[SA2000]

Honestly with the career move I'm about to make I'm not worried at all. I think most people stress too much. That's the problem. But I'm not stressing anymore. I know that in 6 mos I'll be by far the best option for her or anyone else. Young, successful, attractive, intelligent, and confident. My path is so much clearer now. And I may choose to travel it alone for a while.

[The_Seeker]

Honestly with the career move I'm about to make I'm not worried at all. I think most people stress too much. That's the problem. But I'm not stressing anymore. I know that in 6 mos I'll be by far the best option for her or anyone else. Young, successful, attractive, intelligent, and confident. My path is so much clearer now. And I may choose to travel it alone for a while.

 

Very inspirational quote. I'm putting it on my mirror.

[SA2000]

At some point I need to be responsible for my own feelings and well being. I need to take back control of my life and the direction its headed. I have handed that over to someone else for too long and am starting to realize that. Its time to man up. I feel as though this is all an awakening for me.

[dmorsegrl]

At some point I need to be responsible for my own feelings and well being. I need to take back control of my life and the direction its headed. I have handed that over to someone else for too long and am starting to realize that. Its time to man up. I feel as though this is all an awakening for me.

 

You go SA2000! I'm dealing with my own breakup and just reading about your journey is encouraging. Though you face your own ups and downs in navigating this journey, you seem to be trucking along just fine. We may take one step forward and later, two steps back, but at least we are progressing in the right direction. Keep up the great work; I'm rooting for you!

[Diggitydave]

Great Job bud. I think I am too. It was a short relationship for me but it stung like hell. I'd say the hardest part actually is getting over myself. A lot of the "standards" i set and pressure I put on myself as to what i'm supposed to be doing now post break - up to subconsciously compete with my ex is stuff I have to get over.

 

A lot of what I struggle with is stuff in my mind that is basically a projection of my own fears and shame. Thats my hardest part.

 

I do sometimes wish she'd call (well every time) but accept by nano bits each day realize it's not going to happen.

 

I think you're doing great and keep it up.

[SA2000]

I feel as though with my ex I reverted into some childish state as did she. We were no longer progressing as individuals and were stuck in some sort of rut. I stopped pushing myself to be better in other aspects of life and felt content even though I was far from it. I realize now that had this not all happened I would have had one hell of a mid life crisis at some point. I am realizing now what I truly want in life from an individual perspective and going after it. Romantically I am in no rush to jump into anything else. I'm Going to hold out for the right situation. It's funny how this has caused me to hit a low point and now I'm bouncing back to new heights.

[pillowtalk]

At some point I need to be responsible for my own feelings and well being. I need to take back control of my life and the direction its headed. I have handed that over to someone else for too long and am starting to realize that. Its time to man up. I feel as though this is all an awakening for me.

 

This is exactly what EVERYONE on this site needs to do. Of course, we are human so other people will always affect us, but at some point we need to take responsibility for ourselves. I still miss my ex and I'm sad, but I also realize that my life is actually pretty great, and I'm choosing to focus on that instead.