dmorsegrl

I don't even know what to say. You were gone since Friday and now I have to see you Wednesdays and Thursdays for our group meetings. At first, I thought it'd be great to see you but now, I don't even know anymore. It's painful to see you there but you're not talking to me. The first night, I took it lightly and now, I don't know. I miss you horribly. I miss my best friend. I miss talking to you, knowing about your life. I hope you missed me. I hope you missed talking to me. Now, I feel sad and not quite sure what to do with myself. How long before you realize that I'm gone? How long before you contact me first? You said you would distance yourself from me to make this work and now, those silences are so bittersweet. I rather you talked to me. UGH.

I actually was able to fall asleep last night and I think most of it was because I was so emotionally exhausted. There are moments when I feel strong and there are just moments where my mind just starts to wonder if I can do this. I wonder what you're doing. I wonder if you're feeling the same way I am. I just don't know how to stop the pain. I don't want to keep feeling this way anymore. I wish you could just say otherwise and make things work. Your absence makes it easier but at the same time, it hurts me so much. You said you would distance yourself to help me get over you and I said that was so harsh. You even agreed that it was harsh. I guess I'm having a hard time dealing with the pain I'm feeling, knowing that you've purposefully avoided me even if you have good motives. It hurts. I miss you, I want you. I want things to be better. God, I want things to be better.

The mornings suck the most. I hate waking up to the raw feeling in my heart that you left me with. I know it's bad to think about whether you're missing me or whether you're struggling with this, but I cannot help but think you are -- which only makes it worse. You said you were going to avoid me to help me get over you and I wonder how it is for you. You said that it was not easy but it was definitely easier than what I had to deal with. I was the one who was rejected. You chose to live in your constant world of fear instead of taking that risk and opening your heart to love. How can I trust you again when this is the second time you've run away. This might be the last time because I don't think I can deal with this pain again. Not like this, not when I know that you have strong feelings for me. I wish you were man enough to overcome your fears 'cause honey, it's not fair that I have to walk away for the both of us to end this. I hope I'm plaguing your mind and part of me is happy that you're avoiding me...that way I don't have to deal with the pains of seeing or hearing you. It really hurts and part of me wants you to come and comfort me like you used to, but it's so complicated because you are the one that causes the pain. I hope your nights are as sleepless as mine.

I missed you today. I miss that we can't talk like we used to anymore. I miss hanging out with you and my heart breaks to think it will never be the same again. Why do you have to do this? How can you do this to me? How can you just turn off your emotions and do this? It's not that easy. It hasn't been easy for me to walk away when things could have just easily have worked but you won't let them. I really, really wanted to talk to you and hear your voice, but I know I'd only get more hurt. You keep saying that this is better and that you don't want to hurt anyone, but you hurt me. And it hurts like hell. God, I miss you.