I dumped him because I loved him too much

[shandi]

I'm confused. It's been exactly 2 months to the day that I broke up with him. There has been absolutely NO contact whatsoever. I figured, "Okay, it's 2 months. Time to move on." So I went to my old dating site this evening (where I met him) to copy my profile for a different dating site. I don't want to use the same site and I also don't want to have to write all that crap again.

 

I had him listed under my favorites. He hasn't been on since April when I questioned him about still being listed. He had gone onto the site twice while we were together. Once after 2 months and then again after six months. It bothered me. So he never made his profile private but he stopped going on. I had put my profile private after seeing him for a month.

 

So, today he went on. Of all days! Exactly 2 months after our breakup. But the really weird and confusing thing is that he went on to delete all of his photos. It's still not private and he didn't change or delete his description at all. He just took off every photo. Why?

[iJester]

You broke up two months ago, why are you even thinking twice about this?

 

Maybe he doesn't know how to set it to private, so that's his way of privatizing it, without having to delete everything in case he wants to go back on.

[Halflife]

Shandi: In one post you say a BF must have self respect to give you space after a break-up and then in another post you say you wanted him to fight for you when you told him NC... Which one is it?

[Minx2012]

Although I have never done this, I can relate, because it has crossed my mind a few times. I know what it feels like to love someone so much that the thought of them leaving or disappearing from your life is so painful that you just want to get rid of it. It may seem highly pessimistic and downright dangerous ( i.e. playing with fire in your relationship that is otherwise wonderful and healthy in every way )...and it may even seem cowardly of the dumper to run away. But I honestly believe it's like this :

 

On the one hand, it's passion, coupled by a deep sense of understanding about the nature of relationships, to the point that it gives you a " sixth sense " of sorts in foreseeing things.

 

On the other hand, it's also a pessimism, coupled with a deep sense of insecurity ( that you can never be good enough for him bc he is so beautiful and up on that pedestal that you put up ), to the point that you sabotage your own happiness.

 

The solution or reconciliation ? Love yourself more than you love him and cultivate one part of your life that is dedicated to only you and not him...so when it does fall apart, you have something to spring back from with glowing colours.

[shandi]

Sorry, I hadn't even gone on to this forum after I felt so stupid for worrying about the dating profile b/s. Yes, why should I be worrying about this two months after the fact? Why do any of us come on to this forum worrying about similar things? Is it comforting to know that other's feel the same? Is it comforting to see that one lucky person out of thousand actually has a successful, lasting reconciliation? Yeah, I guess it is. That's why I keep coming back again and again.

 

In my case, I think I come here so often because I am seriously stuck in denial. He'll change his mind because the ex of serendipitybabycakes28 did. He apologized and everything is just peachy for them now. What I actually find again and again is, as the old saying goes, "I am the rule, not the exception".

 

Halflife: It sounds contradictory but in fact, both are true. You have to respect yourself enough to give her space if she askes for it. Leave her alone for a time. When she's had time to clear her head, put yourself out there a bit. Tell her you love her, miss her, still adore her, and find her attractive as hell. Just don't stalk her and pathetically beg her to death. You can tell you're past resonable begging if you seem to talk over her, interrupt her or can't really remember what she just said two seconds ago. If we're so focussed on getting them back at all costs, we may ignore what they are trying to say to us. I don't think you did this by the way.

 

Boheme: I think you know me better than I know myself. I am extremely pessimistic. From the moment I met him, I was trying to get out of the relationship before it went sour. I can't handle the rejection. I have never been dumped because I always beat them to the punch. I have serious issues stemming from childhood neglect, abuse and abondonment. I'm also a stubborn as hell perfectionist. I always have to be right. Pessimism is the easiest choice because more often than not, I am RIGHT. See, I knew he was sleeping with another woman. See, I knew he didn't love me. See, I'm better off alone. I think your solution is the most astute, compassionate, and optimistc solution. I have to love myself more than I love him. And I have to focus on those things that bring me the most joy, things that don't have anything to do with him.

 

I don't want to reconcile any longer. Two months is enough. No amount of begging and pleading would convince me that he hasn't spent this last two months sleeping with someone else. And you know what... I'd be RIGHT.

[offplanet]

You did the right thing. I don't know why you even doubt it. I don't know why you would even contemplate trying to win him back, knowing he didn't love you. What would be the point? To be hurt and rejected even more? Come on. You know that'd be silly, dont you! You did well, very well, in ending it for your own sake. You're living a successful life. You don't need to let anyone drag you down, no matter how beautiful he may be. That is not the way to go.

[shandi]

Thank you so much offplanet. I doubted myself for nearly 2 months. Then, gradually, day by day, I wanted him less and less. I think initially I missed his presence in my life. I missed the companionship. I thought about him every day. I spent hours on this forum, foraging for encouragement, gorging on "happy-endings", and reinforcing my delusion that "he misses me and will call any day now." Fact is, he was a weak man who needed me to end it because he lacked the courage. He acted like a jerk to push me to do what he couldn't do. Now that he's finally free, why would he come running back? It's not going to happen. Every day, I'm just a little bit more accepting of that fact.

 

We really need to trust ourselves with red flags.

 

1. If you buy him a plethora of christmas presents and he seems to forget where he put yours, RUN. Also, don't buy a bunch of gifts, one is sufficient.

 

2. If after a year, you say "I love you" and he can't say it back RUN.

 

3. If he refuses to help you do anything involving manual labor RUN.

 

4. If after refusing to help you, he asks to borrow a significant amount of money RUN.

 

5. If he waits three days to call you RUN. This is a bull * * * * 3 day rule and any guy who resorts to this kind of manupulation is a complete jerk.

 

6. If he suddenly finds a reason he can't meet your friends or family RUN.

 

7. If he never bothers to introduce you to any of his friends and family RUN.

 

8. If he doesn't take his dating profile down after six months RUN.

 

9. If you have to put on stripper heels for him to get it up RUN.

 

10. If every time some minor little issue comes up and he screams "drama" RUN. He doesn't have the balls to face life's little speedbumps. Men use the word "drama" to ensure we won't bring up anything that would require a little thing called "compassion" or "understanding" from them. When he needed $460 to fix his car I should have said "Drama!"

 

11. If he's over 30 but all of his belongings can fit into a few small boxes RUN.

 

12. If he can't commit to a job, an apartment, or even furniture how can you ever expect him to commit to you? RUN

 

13. If he picks up your cell phone to send himself a nasty message... duhhhh RUN like HELL.

 

These were all the things I could not see through my infatuation with him. It took those two months of NC to realize what a total ass he was. Thanks again offplanet. That verbal purging felt wonderful.

 

Now I'm off to buy some paint for my latest project.

[offplanet]

Good for you, Shandi, you will be very glad.

Offplanet

[DN]

Halflife: It sounds contradictory but in fact, both are true. You have to respect yourself enough to give her space if she askes for it. Leave her alone for a time. When she's had time to clear her head, put yourself out there a bit. Tell her you love her, miss her, still adore her, and find her attractive as hell.

Sorry, but this is so contradictory as to not make sense. People are not mind-readers.

[The_Seeker]

Sorry, but this is so contradictory as to not make sense. People are not mind-readers.

 

LOL Unless the person is Dr.Xavier or Jean Grey from X-men.

[shandi]

Sorry, but this is so contradictory as to not make sense. People are not mind-readers.

 

No woman is going to come out and say, "Ok, I've had enough time now to clear my head and start to miss you. Now is the optimum time for reconcilliation." Attempts at reconcilliation take a lot of patience and observation. Only the person attempting the reconcilliation is going to know the best time to initiate contact. If you sit there fussing because you can't read her mind, you'll miss your chance. Initiate some sort of non-threatening, non-begging, friendly contact and gauge her response. Keep it fun and friendly. There are too many variables for anyone to "read the mind" of the dumper. Patience, active listening and observing body language will work far better than expecting her to lay it all out for you verbally.

[DN]

How is he supposed to do all that if he is giving you space and not seeing you? Sorry but this makes no sense.

[shandi]

Okay. Let's say she just dumped you because she says she feels neglected by you and can't stand the pain any longer (as was the case when I was talking to halflife). She asks for space to get her head on straight.

 

Immediately, you should give her the space she requested. If you start begging and pleading at this point, you will probably annoy her. She wants space because she is hurting. A heartfelt apology would be nice along with a, "I will back off as you have asked but am here if you need to talk."

 

So, you give her a few days and send her a quick message asking her if she's okay. In halflife's situation he had LC the first three weeks. If she reponds right away, it's a good sign. Based on her response, you will know if she's making progress towards healing. If she ignores you or says something angry or hurtful, then back away again.

 

You can still give her space if you are in LC. A quick email to show concern is not going to be seen as begging and pleading. This may not work though if you were dumped for infidelity. That level of pain requires a whole new set of rules. My advice was in response to halflife and his questions regarding fighting for someone that you neglected, someone who still loves you but needs time to get over the pain. This was also my case.

 

Two months of absolutely no contact though... I think it's too long to think there will be reconcilliation. If she felt neglected, no contact for an extended period of time will only confirm in her mind that you didn't love her.

 

Is it still confusing?

[DN]

I don't think I am the one who is confused.

[Halflife]

Sorry, but this is so contradictory as to not make sense. People are not mind-readers.

 

I suppose she's saying that you respect her wish of space but do it only for a safe duration. So maybe a few weeks? For her, I guess ideally her boyfriend would have started showing interest in the fourth week and kept up LC from there.

 

But yes, we are not mind readers and we might not know when the girl is ready to be safely contacted so this advice is not black and white.

[C_Unknown2005]

Mine just said this to me via text message after a fight.

 

Your wrong because your the reason i didn't want to break up with you. Because I care about you and don't want to hurt you. So now i need to block my feelings thats Im hurting you

 

This pretty much made the hole even larger in me...

 

What do you guys think?

[Halflife]

Sounds like a typical forced break-up due to neglect on your part.

[C_Unknown2005]

Thats just it though I didn't neglect her... I was the "nice guy" and Im the one that went head over heals for her... ANd when she sent that it made me angry and made me think "she is just letting me go"

[Halflife]

Ah right, so the correct interpretation of the txt is that she didn't break-up until now because she was scared of hurting your feelings rather than her still loving you?

[C_Unknown2005]

Caring and loving are two different things. I notice that her being "scared" of hurting me was because she felt sorry... It's her choice but I feel like after 3.5 years in a serious relationship you just can't block feelings for someone. To me that basically said "I'm trying to forget you" in my mind. The relationship ended tuesday.

[shandi]

He initiated contact! I saw an email pop up at work (of all places) rather than my private email. I was so excited to think that he had been thinking of me at least a little these last two months. His message had a link to a website. Only the link and nothing more.

 

link removed

 

I went to the link and discovered it's a website for a plastic surgery clinic in Beverly Hills. They specialize in the brazilian butt lift. So, I was right. The guy thought I wasn't physically attractive enough for him. So, I wanted to be proven right. I wanted to know I did the right thing by dumping him. Here's proof. What the most painful part of recieving this is that I actually loved this guy and I spent two months missing him.

 

It doesn't matter how successful you are. It doesn't matter how bright you are. It doesn't matter how kind you are. All that matters is what you look like naked.

 

So, I sent this email to him:

 

"Thanks for the advice but the new treadmill I bought has done wonders for my ass. My orthopaedist released me to start running and I've been at it for the last month. The shoulder is holding up pretty good and I just rub a lot of icy hot into it. I hope life has been as kind to you as this email was to me. "

[Halflife]

What an absolute ****!

 

I mean, when in a relationship I think it's fine to lightly encourage each other to look after yourselves if you are putting on weight. Both people in a relationship have a responsibility to take care of themselves physically as it's an important aspect of a enjoyable sex life (much more so for him as sex is primarily a visual and physical act rather than one of intimacy for a man). Sex aside, it's just nice to be physically attracted to your partner in general anyway, makes for a healthier relationship.

 

So there's doing things the right way and then there's being a horrible, nasty and uncaring person. I'm sorry shandi that you discovered your irrefutable evidence in such a painful way but at least you can completely move on now.

[sadchick83]

This guy has serious problems and is jealous of your success....consider this a badge of honour. He is a loser, and you Shandi, are not.

 

Be thankful you are not with this sicko.

[SparklyBoots]

If it was just a link with no substance, it could be spam sent out from his email address....I get these kind of things from my ex husband every now and again...but they do go to everyone on his mailing list as well!!!!

I hope it didn't come directly from him...that would be so horrible and cruel, I just don't understand how someone could be so nasty!!!!

Keep your head up and don't let this get to you...you are doing so good!

[Halflife]

SparklyBoots, you make a good point and if you look at the query string at the end of the URL, it indicates it was intended to be sent out as part of an email/spam campaign. Of course that could also mean that he simply received the spam, looked at the webpage and decided it would be funny to send it to shandi. Based on little info she has revealed, I see it as a 50/50 chance that it was sent intentionally from her ex, this is not easy to hear as it doesn't help closure.

 

Even if it is innocent, it's given shandi a good opportunity to show she is improving herself without having to worry about how she comes accross as her reply is very understandable regardless of whether that link was sent by him directly or not.

 

shandi, if you want, feel free to forward the email to me, I work in this field so if we're lucky, I might be able see if there is anything suspicious. Send me a PM if you are interested.