I dumped him because I loved him too much

[sadchick83]

Shandi, I am so glad I could give you some insight. I am still in limbo with my guy...his success was sporadic-- I was getting him construction jobs (almost all since he started his new company) and he was still b*tchy, and completely ungrateful.

 

I could tell when things were not going well, he became rude- mild name calling, disappearing for 3 days, while he lived with me!

 

So I changed the locks-actually it was on his birthday. I bought him a $750 IPAD..he was in one of his "moods" so told me to "take it back," then didn't come home for 3 days.

 

Anyway, this all stems from him running out of money, while I am making the best money of my life. We tried to somewhat split the bills, but I always paid for the extras, like movies, gas, golf, etc.

 

You will notice you have WAY more money now that this guy is not around- one of the positives.

 

I know you can't see it now, but you are better off without this guy....even be single for a while.

 

Even my family didn't appreciate "dumbing" everything down for him during dinner conversations.

 

I doubt he even noticed your 7lb weight gain. He may have heard you complain about it , then used it against you.

 

At least you still have your job. And TRUST ME, he is pining for you. He just won't admit it!!!!

[shandi]

I know I tend to fall in love rather quickly but... Girl, I love you I love you I love you... heee heeee. Seriously, thank you soooo much. I gave him that weapon to use against me. I did bring it up first. He was acting weird, distant, uninterested. I kept thinking, "What's wrong with me?" The only thing I could come up with was the one thing that plaqued me. I pinned it on the weight gain and then confronted him with it. That's when I heard, "Well you can lose it right?" He hated himself, not me.

 

Our situations seem so similar, Is that how you figured this all out? You seem to figured out a lot more than I did. I was still sitting here feeling all fat and ugly. I wasn't even excited about the house and the new wealth and opportunity. I was even going to use some of the money for liposuction. Haa haaa... how weak I had become. Now, I feel kindof sorry for him. He needs a girl that he feels superior to. And yet, I fed his ego all the time. He seriously is the most beautiful man I had ever seen. His face is just perfect. I miss touching his five o'clock shadow... DANG... there I go, throwing myself into that again. Aauuughhh!

 

I want my best friend back. What if he got off his butt and found a great job. Would he find me? Would he want to share the excitement with me? Would he feel good enough to date? He did say, "I'm in no position to be dating right now."

 

I know I'm better off. I do have more money. But I also have more time on my hands. I didn't mind spending time and money on him. He just couldn't afford the emotional investment.

[shandi]

worriedgirl: I forgot to address your question, "What did I say?" I found out that he deleted a couple of pictures of us off of facebook after we decided to work on the relationship. We figured we needed to just get away from all the crap and just have fun like we used to. I was taking him to San Fran. He made the comment about "Well I AM going to make it to SF, it may as well be with you." That burned a bit. Then, that night I noticed the missing photos. I asked him about it when he called that night. He acted like it was a mistake with facebook, "Oh, I'll put them back up." I told him to just forget it. Forget the photos. He won't want them up soon anyway. I told him that I wanted to just go through with the breakup after all. It was too painful to be in love with him knowing that he didn't love me to the same degree. I was tired of wondering if he loved me, if he was attracted to me. I was tired of waiting by the phone... tired of looking for signs and wondering what he was thinking. I said I didn't want to be friends as I already have plenty of those. The only way I could fall out of love was to not have contact. He said, "I thought we were going to work on things." I said, "Yeah, I thought that too until I saw the missing pictures. This hurts too bad and I don't want to do it anymore." He said, "Ok, have a great evening."

[writingzombie]

Shandi,

I went thru exact same thing. We were engaged but I didn't feel loved at all. Deep down inside of me, I knew I loved him more than he loves me. But whenever I bring it up and tell him that I am lonely and unhappy, he said how dare you say that when I made such a commitment to us (the engagement) he kept saying "We have a whole life together." For a while, I bought that. I put up with him being so damn lazy and carries on his needs first. I realized that whole "getting married" thing just makes a good excuse. He was actually gonna marry me for real but in the end, I thought to myself "Well, if this is gonna be what our marriage would be like, I don't want it because I am not happy with it now." It was simple as that. But I also sometimes get to doubt my decision, too. Did I do the right thing? What if I'll never meet someone again? I feel this empty spot in my heart.. I indeed have lost my fiance and my best friend. But I try to focus on the fact that I'll never get what I want and need from him in the way I want. That's the only truth. We also went NC, too. Sometimes I feel this urge to talk to him when something good/bad happens to me like I used to do but I don't. It'll make me look like a fool. I may be the dumper but like someone said, he emotionally dumped me first so me keep wanting to talk to someone who dumped me would degrade me in a way. And I certainly don't wanna do that any more. I've had enough. You seem like a really independent, strong, smart woman. What was he? An unemployed loser who made comment about your weight! (Sorry, that's just not acceptable) You deserve much better than that, girl and you WILL get much better than that. I suggest you to make a list of the bad things he did to you and read it whenever you feel like wanting him back. Good luck!

[sadchick83]

Shandi, I am not figured out at all. He still has a bedroom full of things at my house, and he has been working 18 hour days (on a job I got him) and will have the job completed in the next week. So I am in limbo. I have a much bigger family issue to deal with , so that is causing me worse stress.

 

Shandi, Regarding the success of your bf, I'd like to think if he got a job he would come back you. For my guy, at this point, if he became super successful, he might go looking for other women.

 

You see I had the ability to get him work, and he was never grateful for it. He would always say: "You make me feel real bad when you keep mentioning YOU got me the job." Getting him a contract took a lot of work on my end, and I was risking my connection if the job went poorly.

 

Don't rush into any plastic surgery....maybe buy a new suit, just do things for yourself.

In this economy feel fortunate to have a good job. A lot of people are hurting out there!

[markd321]

My G/f felt she loved me more than I loved her, and this hurt her and made her miserable. Eventually she decided to call it a day with me as another man began to show the attention that she felt was missing from me. We talked things over, I opened up to her, eventually she was torn between me and him and eventually went with him as the hurt she felt was still to raw, but she said she wished I had told her everything before as it would have changed her mind and she'd have stayed.

I realised what I'd done wrong and made changes but right now it was too late for her.

 

If you had had this happen to you, if you loved him as much as you said, would you have considered a reconciliation? I know full well that thats nothing to do with my situation, and that you didnt start seeing someone else. But Im trying to understand some of the thinking that a dumper who loves too much goes through, Im trying to understand where shes coming from, especially as she more or less said that he was a rebound because he offered her right now what she was missing.

[markd321]

I'm just so, so angry with myself that I didnt make things clearer and more obvious how much I loved her. I'm now in the hands of the gods as to whether her rebound turns out to be a novelty, or as is normally my luck, she'll end up marrying him!! lol

[shandi]

writingzombie; I think you did the right thing. If you felt that unloved before you're married, it's only going to get worse. Some women stay. I guess they push the pain down and try to stay optimistic. My childhood was like that. My mother stayed with a man that didn't love her. Maybe once every six months we were told to pack our bags because she was leaving him. We would get all excited to finally get away from him. Then he would beg and plead and she would stay. I would get so angry at her for staying. She's 68 now and still married to him. They live at separate ends of the house and only see eachother when he comes out of his cave to see if there is any mail. It's disgusting. I don't want that. She trained me well. Now I do what she couldn't do over and over... I run. I do think there is someone out there who is capable of loving us so that we feel it.

 

sadchick you're right. If these men suddenly became successful, they would think themselves even more entitled. He would buy a bunch of crap he can't afford right now and go out and get himself a harem of hotties (girls he can buy). I have to stop waiting all-together. It's funny, I know a lot about the economy. It's actually what I do for a living. I find jobs for people. I've been at it for 10 years. It's worse now that I have ever seen it. I tried to help him, by doing is resume and quizzing him on interview questions. I told him about a few job leads but then backed off. I didn't want him to think I was pushing him or that getting a job was required to be with me. But I still think I emasculated him without even trying. What is going on in your family if you don't mind me asking?

 

Mark: I'm sorry that you're on the other side of this. Yes I would have considered reconcilliation. As long as he was capable of loving me to a degree that I actually felt it, I would have stayed. I was even stupid enough to start imagining myself buying that beautiful white dress and walking down the isle. I loved this man. I didn't care about the unemployment, his crappy car, the small room he rented. I loved being with him and I showered him with compliments and affection. I would have stayed if he had returned the same. Men are used to throwing around insults to eachother and then laughing, grabbing a beer, and getting past the whole thing. Women don't take it as well. When you wound us verbally, the pain runs deep. We hold on to it... sometimes for the rest of our lives. We leave when the pain is greater than the fear of losing you. We'll leave that much sooner if someone is waiting in the wings offering to take the pain away. She will only come back to you when this current option looks less attractive. Which will probably happen. Once the pain subsides a bit, he won't be as necessary and she will look at him more realistically. He's making her feel better right now. If you love her that much, wait. Be as supportive as possible without pushing this issue. When that ends, she will be available for reconcilliation.

[markd321]

Shandi - Thats exactly my feelings as well, he fills a gap that she felt I had at the moment. She more or less said so when we talked - That he made her happy, that he was crazy about her and that she was going to give him some time - Nothing about whether she felt the same for him. He is an instant hit of something she felt was missing.

But when we talked she realised that I understood that I hadnt shown her enough love or reassurance, and that I knew what I needed to do to change for her, just that at the moment I was too late, she had decided for happiness for the moment. She also more or less hinted that she didnt expect it to be a long term thing with him as she said we would meet up in the new year if we werent already back in touch.

 

Probably the best way for me to be supportive and not push things is to go No contact, which I have done for a week now. If she doesnt come back at least I will have started on the path to getting over her, If she does make contact, and I think it would have to be her contacting me, then we would have had the time to clear our heads and see things without emotion clouding - Im still angry with myself for seeing so late though!

[shandi]

I had a really long talk with a male friend of mine. I hadn't told him that I broke up with my boyfriend because I knew he didn't like him. Well, actually he never met him but didn't like him from the things I told him. He gave me some great advice... advice I didn't really want to hear. He strongly believes that the guy had someone else on the side. He strung a few incidents together that illustrated the betrayal. Now everything else is falling into place.

 

Some people are like spider monkeys. They don't let go of one branch until they have another. This man I so deeply loved checked out of the relationship months ago because he became interested in a woman that moved into the house he lives in. The man who owns the house has about four people living there. One of them is female. I was a bit worried when she moved in. I met her. But, I thought, "Naw, he wouldn't be interested. She's a good 10 years older and 20 pounds heavier than I am. No threat... " Well, maybe. I have to stop evaluating women on how I view them. I have been cheated on. A couple of times. Each time the "lady" chosen was someone I thought was less than desireable; chubby, homely, party-girl, uneducated. So, obviously these aren't girls I found attractive. But, my partners did.

 

This is a very important lesson. Don't be treatened by beautiful classy women. We are always comparing ourselves and threatened by beautiful model types. When in reality, how often are these the women men cheat with? They choose girls they can feel superior to, girls who like to get drunk with them, smoke pot, ... girls closer to the guy's geniune personality. Not the personality he shows you... the guy he is when he's away from you. The creep, loser, drunk, slob, jerk. She is the one he runs to when he wants to cut loose and just be himself. Case in point: Sandra Bullock and Jesse James.

 

This woman that lives in the house suddenly appeared on my bf facebook a few months back. He didn't wait for me to notice but quickly explained that she wanted to be his friend. But then... shortly after, the other men in the house started acting strange toward me; ignoring me or looking at the floor when they were talking to me. Then right there at the end, my bf grabbed my cell phone and send himself a text. It said, "B (his name) F you!" I grabbed my phone and asked him why he would do that. I would never send him a text like that. He just kindof pouted a bit and changed the subject. Chances are, he sent that text to prove to this other lady that it was finally over between us. He planned on showing it to her.

 

So, I had a good cry in the car on the way home. I always wonder when I see people crying in their car... wondering what could have hurt them so much. Now I know.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Oh wow, makes a lot of sense. Now you know that you have to let this jerk go. But I still think that he will regret what he did, probably when it's just too late.

[sadchick83]

Hmmmm....This is all very strange. The texting from your phone is unusual, but how do you know for sure? Are the two of them seeing each other now?

 

I got into a few fight with my guy, and whenever I went to another guy for advice they always said he was cheating.

 

I'm not convinced your guy was cheating. Can you find out if he is with her now? Maybe these guys had their own issues, and they were not so friendly for other reasons.

 

It would be a shame to label him a cheater if he was innocent.

[mad rabbits]

Shandi,

 

sounds like you suspect you were "set up to leave him" as Womanwriter said.

 

Last two men I felt anything for...it ended this way. They got strange, distant, mean... I broke up with them for my survival...immediately after they were with new gfs. Women who were already around as "friends," but I always suspicious of.

 

The first one (he was my ex fiance) - he married the new gf a year into their relationship, they have a baby now and are still together.

 

The second one - he came back recently - but I found out he just wanted a f buddy thing with me.

 

I don't know what to say, but it sure hurts a lot

[sadchick83]

badhabits,

 

This happened to me as well, which is why I am both the Dumper and the Dumpee.

My guy, in the last month, or so of the relationship, started calling me names, rejected the IPAD I bought him for his birthday, was just getting plain/short tempered with me, took of for 3 days -- we were living together.

 

I know there wasn't a girl because I checked his cell, we share a laptop, and never noticed any emails.

 

He was living at my place which suited him as I live downtown, he could park his pick up truck in my back yard...Basically he had the best living arrangement possible for himself.

 

However he just started to turn on me over the last month or two of a 14 month relationship...I still think it was the frustration of being unsuccessful.

 

Jeez, maybe he would have started cheating....thanks for your insight though

[shandi]

I really don't KNOW for certain he was cheating. It just seems to make sense because things were great for the first 8 months. Then she moved in. Things started to change. But it was the same time I started buying the house and he lost the job offer. So it's really hard to nail down.

 

This male friend of mine assured me that a man will not emotionally leave a relationship that is feeding him both emotionally and physically unless he has something waiting on the side. Then if he's a weak, pathetic loser who can't be a man and walk away, he will become a jerk so you eventually dump him. He also brought up the success issue sadchick. And he agreed with you. He said that you can't date a man who is less than you. It's not so much about impressing him with your independence, intelligence, and financial succsss. If he doesn't feel successful himself, he will look for fault to bring you down to his level. Then he goes looking for a woman who will look up to him, someone beneath his status who will think he's amazing. She will need him in all the ways you don't.

 

I was told that if I ever want a healthy relationship, I have to find a strong, successful man. He said the side-effects of having this man love me is that he will most likely want input in my life. He would have wanted to be part of the house-buying, the moving, etc. If a strong, intelligent man sees long term potential with you, he will give you input and support on life's greatest milestones and challenges. He said I need to be more open to this input if I really do want a strong, healthy man in my life. As it is now, I've been alone for so long, I'm more than a little stubborn when anyone tries to "help" me with decisions. He said that I may be attracted to lesser men so that I can "save" them. He said I may be doing this as an ego boost to myself. Plus, I don't have to worry about them trying to have input in my life.

 

I don't know. It's a lot to take in, but it's a theory I hadn't considered. I want to stop having relationships with weak men that cheat and generally treat me like crap. I'll look at changing myself if it will help. I'll consider any theory right now.

 

I made it through yesterday, which was exactly 1 month NC. That day was tough for me. I think I'll start to heal now. I'm not looking for him to contact me any more. I put my dating profile back up. I'm sure I will be irritated with the whole process and probably won't want to meet anyone right away, but... just having my profile up makes me feel like I am moving on. I'm putting myself out there.

[sadchick83]

Hmmm...interesting. Your male friend has great insight. A girlfriend of mine just got separated from some doctor...she made more than him and he was very abusive and bi-polar. He actually has a new girlfriend who is in awe of him on Facebook etc. So your friend is right. Some men need the ego boost.

 

I was in awe of my BF...for the things he was good at, for most of the relationship. But it is hard to absolutly fake being in awe when the person is getting mean and nasty.

I'm now buying a house, so that is keeping me busy.

 

I spoke to him earlier this week and he generally seemed very happy to hear from me...said he was thinking about me, but that was Monday and today is Friday. He told me he is working 18 hours a day to finish some job, and since I broke the NC, Im not going to keep calling.

 

We both got each other jobs, I referred to him, and he did refer some good business to me. Maybe he is in his "cave" until he figures things out. To be honest with you, I am not really in the mood to see him...maybe in the next week.

 

Shandi, don't think your bf cheated unless you have hard evidence. You will just torture yourself, and the chances are low that he did anything with her. I wouldnt like my bf to have a roomate, but it is really unfair to think this when there is no real proof.

 

Strong me are hard to find. And, I am sure there are weak men who like to latch themselves on to women like us.

 

I am glad to hear you are moving on!

[shandi]

You're buying a house too? That's awesome! Congratulations. By the way, just curious... did he ask to be a part of your house-buying experience? Did he want to be included in the choosing and is he helping you move?

 

I think I'm only preferring to think he cheated because it makes it easier for me to move on. I can picture him with that hideous ho (actually I'm sure she's lovely) and it makes it easier for me to hate him. Hate doesn't hurt as bad as love. I know that's a horrible thing to do but the band-aid is peeling off. The scab just isn't holding if you get my drift. I have to stop loving this guy any way I can.

 

Any advice how to do THAT would be appreciated. I know time heals all wounds but... isn't there some "love antithetic"? I'll take an epidural for the heart area.

[sadchick83]

Yes I am house buying! Its really exciting. We were fixing up the house we lived in, but it belonged to my father , who is now going to sell the house, so all that hard work was fo nothing....he did do an amazing job...which is sad, 'cause I didnt even get a chance to enjoy it

 

Well actually, I am a very paranoid person...he mentioned he was saving up for a house, a rental property or something, and I got totally mad at him because I didnt seem to be in the plan. Meanwhile, I was covering more of the house expenses, because I make more. SO why should I subsidize this guy while he saves for a down payment???Anyway, when I called him on it, he said "of course you will live there too."

 

Im not sure I believed him, but he covered up pretty fast. The actual house buying for me only came to be a week or so ago, so no, he wasnt involved. He did agree to sign a pre-nup about 2 month ago though....

 

Don't think he cheated...it's not healthy. Maybe write down some of the things that bothered you about him....For me, I just look at it like this: I bought him a lovely IPAD- a $750 birthday gift. He threw it back in my face. There is not one person in this whole world who would do this to me, except him. People in my office, friends, people I deal with, all respect me. And generally I dont spend this much on gifts, but I was doing so well at work, I decided to spen the extra money.

 

You should buy a house too, if you are mentally ready for it. It has be a great distraction for me..and very empowering. I would suggest getting into some type of exciting project. You will be ready soon, and Im sure that guy will be back! You can decide then what you will do with him!

[shandi]

So now it's been one month and 4 days of no contact. I had put myself back on a dating site after 1 month thinking that would emotionally help me move on. Thing is... after the first freak send me a message I pulled myself back off again. It was like I was saying, "This is what I have to settle for? This is what is in my future?" I feel like I would be way to hard to please right now. It's too soon.

 

So, I'm doing things to distract myself. I've been painting again. I hadn't done anything in over a year. I paint when I'm depressed and I hadn't had a reason to be depressed until now. I'm doing something that represents my relationship with my ex. It's pretty good so far. I'm also working out like a fiend. I bought a new tredmill and jump on it when I find my mind obsessing about him. It tends to work out the anxiety. I've also been landscaping my yard. Sadchick: I did buy a new house. I've been in it for over a month now. The home improvement projects and decorating have been keeping me busy.

 

Any other ideas for keeping myself preoccupied?

 

I've never had it this bad before. I usually walk away a lot easier. My mind keeps going back to memories, how I could have saved the relationship, why doesn't he call, how can I get him to fall in love with me all over again, ... etc.

[sadchick83]

You paint too??? I bought paint...spent $150 at an art store...2 weeks into NC...did it for like 3 hours, then never again.

 

Shandi, don't hit the dating sites. It may be a bit too soon, you may never want to use them....they are not for everyone- I can't stand them.

 

The home projects sound great. My house deal fell through today, oh well... "if it's meant to be..." Maybe paint a room a nice, rich colour. If you like painting, this should be therapeutic.

 

Shandi, I have tried everything: tennis lessons, golf games- dont bother with golf- concentration way way off, calling distant family members, walking the dog an extra hour a day. Personally, I just go to bed at 9 am with a sleeping pill. I actually look forward to this, because I am assured I will be asleep until 5:00 am. This past weekend I didn't even feel like tennis, so I went to my parents house and cleaned it top to bottom. I cleaned my car...what else?? I book clients at night so I come home and go right to bed. I'm not a fan of the nights.

 

Can you do any favours for friends or family?

 

I still think your guy will call...may be another month, but eventually he will.

[shandi]

I hope he calls. I have to admit, I was actually jealous when I read on your thread that your guy called. Jealous! Aaauugghh, I am not used to feeling so insecure. I keep reminding myself that I dumped him... that I asked HIM for NC. I don't have a right to wonder why he hasn't called. In fact, I'm an idiot for thinking that he will call. For all I know, he thinks I'm a b* for ending it. Maybe he ran off to a bar to get drunk and laid. Maybe he's hurting. I have no idea. I just wanted it to be harder for him to walk away. "Have a great evening" is no way to respond to "I have to end this so I can fall out of love."

 

I'm sorry the house fell through. My first choice fell through too. Someone came in with an all cash offer. I found an even better one two months later. I have been painting the walls. Did my daughter's room a wonderful cheerful purple with darker purple swirls. My photo avatar is an old painting I did of the worst romantic choice I ever made. I'll download this new one as my avatar when it's finished. You shouldn't give up the painting. Get back at it.

 

I think I will go to bed early as you mentioned. I'm exhausted. I'll I would do is sit on this forum until midnight anyway.

 

Thanks for your words of support. It really means a lot to me.

[onayrb]

Hi Shandi,

Hang in there. This is a tough moment, a low point and it will pass of course. Yes, you dumped him and asked for NC. You did the right thing. I think because he has chosen not to contact you, this is probably a sign that you did exactly the right thing to leave him and move on. Its just tough when your mind is filled with memories and thoughts of how he is/what he is doing - but that will come and go until you find some inner peace again.

 

You should just try not to worry about what he is up to. It's not your concern anymore. It's about you - 100%.

Great to hear about the exercise. It really does help on every level. I felt so sad/so bleak about everything in my situation last night and went out for a run for an hour in the dark. I did a lot of thinking while running and also felt better and more positive after the run (only a small amout more positive - but I'll take anything, however small).

 

As for online dating - maybe it's a bit soon - but it is worth doing when you are ready. I think for the fairer sex, there are a lot more freaks to contend with (I did not actually have contact from many female freaks at all) - but you should just laugh and dismiss the freaky ones - not let them make you think it is all bad out there - or there is no one better than the ex...! that's irrational thinking and you know that. I think if you give it enough time you'll uncover the kind of man you want. I met my girlfriend online. She had to sift through a whole parade of freaks first....!

 

Take care

Onayrb

[sadchick83]

Shandi,

I was the dumper too (his actions made me dump him) ....but I am taking each day wih this phrase in mind:

 

If you love something, set it free, if returns, it's your's, if it doesn't, it never was....

 

So if you are the dumper, you can have comfort in feeling that if he really loved you, he will return.

 

HAHA Don't be jealous of me..your call will come .

[shandi]

I'm going to leave the forum for awhile. I've been obsessing about my ex, gorging on forum stories, like a big 'ol bag of potato chips. It's been almost a month and a half of NC. I kept hoping that I would get to post "He contacted me" on this thread. But... the more time passes, the more I realize that contact from him won't change a thing.

 

I want to be able to tell myself that he loved me. His contact won't prove that. It will only prove that he misses me. Or that this new girl wasn't as great as he thought she was. Whatever his reason for contact, it won't be because he loves me. If he loved me, he wouldn't have let me walk away. When I said, "I need NC so I can fall out of love with you" he would have made some sort of effort. Something more than, "Have a great evening."

 

I looked back over the year that we dated and there have been signs all along that he just wasn't that into me. But, I was FUN and we had great trips and great memories. These are the reasons he stayed as long as he did. Just this week, I've been able to focus on some of the negative aspects of his character. Things I had ignored because i wanted to believe he was pefect. I won't go into them because it really doesn't matter.

 

I've been exercising and doing home improvement projects. I even went on a six day fast to cleanse my body and mind. It helped with the emotional purging. I had nightmares about him while fasting. Woke up feeling like a failure, sad, lonely. But, I finally had a good cry. I cried over the lost fantasy. Ready for what comes next.

 

Thank you everyone for your words of support. It helped immensely. I may jump on to read updates but won't put anything else here unless something amazing should occur. I wish you all quick-healing hearts and newfound love.

[onayrb]

good luck shandi, take care. thanks for helping with my thread.

Onayrb