i have to vent about online dating

[Fudgie]

I wll readily admit 10-15 years ago I was all into the hot model guys and if a guy didn't look like that I dumped him or didn't give him a chance. I have since outgrown that but wish I was never like that.

 

Don't feel bad, newwave. Lots of people are like that when they were younger. I think it's just a phase and most grow out of it. Who knows...maybe the guys you were looking at and you rejected were into the same thing and only wanted "hot model" women! You never know...

[newwave]

Don't feel bad, newwave. Lots of people are like that when they were younger. I think it's just a phase and most grow out of it. Who knows...maybe the guys you were looking at and you rejected were into the same thing and only wanted "hot model" women! You never know...

 

I suspect that many were. Even now when I see average guys trying to get these hot women I think for them it's all about looks.

[lostandhurt]

newwave,

Attraction is a big factor in dating but I have learned to have an open mind and not go just by a couple of small pictures on a website. You know I have met some really "hot" women but as soon as they opened their mouth they became less and less attractive.

I want to be attracted to the woman I am with, I want to have trouble keeping my mind and hands off of her but I also want someone that is smart, honest, fun to be around and sexy. There is no way of telling these things from a picture and a few words. Men are very visual there is no doubt, but men of substance want much more than a trophy.

I still don't understand your issue with a guy having children but I do respect that you know what you do and don't want. I will tell you this: I am a much better person because of my son. He has brought out things in me I never thought possible.

 

There is someone out there for you, I just know it.

 

Lost

[ut804]

good to hear success stories I dated a guy for three months that i met from okcupid but he broke up with me saying there was no "connection". I've gotten some positive messages from guys but no one special yet.

I went on a date yesterday with a guy from POF and I was disappointed, he was much better looking in his photos. that's also what happens a lot- people put up their best photos and then they look less attractive in person.

 

lost and hurt, your last message was addressed to newwave but here's my reason for not wanting to date a man with kids: it's not that you are a bad person, of course you are a good person and an even better person because of your son. I don't know newwave's reasons but for me I'm just not able to handle a man with kids because i'm only 24. Also, maybe I'm selfish but I want my man to only have kids with me one day. I feel a little weird about my boyfriend having another woman's child. I think I would be too jealous that you share something special with that woman. It just complicates things... but in no way are you a bad person or anything, it's just my preference.

[newwave]

The reason I'll never date a guy with kids is because it's too much baggage so to speak. I have dated guys with kids and the kids always came first (as they should) and they spent all their money on child support, alimony and never had money to spend on me. Selfish perhaps, but I don't want to have to pay for everything, and I don't want to pay for the kids and certainly not the exwife (and yes in some states the courts look at the household income and the new wife ends up paying sometimes). Plus I want to go through the whole childbirth stuff (assuming I have a kid) with someone who's new to it too. Not to mention I don't want my kids competiting with his in any way. I know many women who couldn't have the families they wanted because the husband was spending all his money on his first kids or didn't want more.

People have suggested dating a guy with older kids, but even then they still have connections to the ex even then for family events.

You mentioned the main problem I run into with online dating and that is about the whole look issue with regards to photographs. You can't tell a lot with photographs and many people post older photos. For me I have to get to know someone and that's harder to do with online dating. Because of that I rely on the look in the photograph before I meet them and the chemistry in person. Unfortunately most of the time the chemistry hasn't been there in person so it was a waste. I could have spent time dating them and maybe it would develop but if it didn't then what?

[Fudgie]

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be someone's "first priority". I don't believe anyone should date someone with kids unless they genuinely understand this. And the kids SHOULD be the first priority, always, to the parent.

 

I don't think it's selfish at all to want that. It would be selfish if you dated a guy with kids and tried to make yourself fit in first, but I know you wouldn't do that. So just date a childless guy.

[newwave]

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be someone's "first priority". I don't believe anyone should date someone with kids unless they genuinely understand this. And the kids SHOULD be the first priority, always, to the parent.

 

I don't think it's selfish at all to want that. It would be selfish if you dated a guy with kids and tried to make yourself fit in first, but I know you wouldn't do that. So just date a childless guy.

 

Yeah, that's why I am always upfront about this. I can't budge. I might consider giving a divorced guy a chance depending on the reason he divorced (and what kind of marriage, the length, etc) but not a dad. I've dated dads in the past and none of the relationships got serious because of this. I saw what their lives were and knew I couldn't fit in. One guy often had to cancel dates because of his kid and another one never had money because his ex wanted more and more.

[mfan]

Keep it simple, no chessy lines and don't offer to show your six pack and you will be surprised at how well you can do.

Lost

Chessy lines? Is that like "Hey baby, pawn to king 4!" or "Your profile reminds me of the Kasparov vs Karpov match from 1985!"

[Fudgie]

Chessy lines? Is that like "Hey baby, pawn to king 4!" or "Your profile reminds me of the Kasparov vs Karpov match from 1985!"

 

LOL, more like "hey hotness, what's your sign?" or "Was your father a baker? Cause you got nice buns!" or (personal sicko favourite) "Is your name Armani? Cause you look like you'd make a great suit."

 

That's cheesy. Sort of stereotypical pick up lines that you'd expect a guy to use in some bar when he's drunk and feeling lucky.

[Cadence44]

Chessy lines? Is that like "Hey baby, pawn to king 4!" or "Your profile reminds me of the Kasparov vs Karpov match from 1985!"

 

Ha! Hilarious

[The Wire]

Can someone tell me, preferably females who've done online dating, what are my odds of getting a replied message? One in ten? Twenty? Fifty? I've been trying for nearly 3 months now and I'm not getting anywhere, profile rewritten several times, better photos added, I honestly don't believe I'm that unappealing or bad looking. I really just want to show who I am but I'm not getting the chance to do so, it's even more frustrating when the girl has similar interests. What prevents girls from just giving a guy an opportunity to present himself?

[Fudgie]

Depends where you go, but I'd say 1 in 10. It seems that there aren't as many gals online as guys, so they have to go through many profiles. When I did online dating, I got SO many messages. I had to sift through a lot.

 

What made me turn away from someone and not contact them wasn't really the photo, it was the writing. If he wrote poorly, or didn't sound like he would have much in common with me, or if he was really NEGATIVE (like "nice guys finish last, I've been hurt..blah blah") then I'd just move on.

 

I'd get some really good photos of you, keep your profile short, sweet but GENUINE, and go with that. Try going onto a variety of sites all at once too. Don't just stick with one. Have you done Match or something like that.

[newwave]

Depends where you go, but I'd say 1 in 10. It seems that there aren't as many gals online as guys, so they have to go through many profiles. When I did online dating, I got SO many messages. I had to sift through a lot.

 

What made me turn away from someone and not contact them wasn't really the photo, it was the writing. If he wrote poorly, or didn't sound like he would have much in common with me, or if he was really NEGATIVE (like "nice guys finish last, I've been hurt..blah blah") then I'd just move on.

 

I'd get some really good photos of you, keep your profile short, sweet but GENUINE, and go with that. Try going onto a variety of sites all at once too. Don't just stick with one. Have you done Match or something like that.

 

When I did online dating I literally had hundreds so I know exactly what you mean. I turned away guys like you mentioned as well as guys who didn't fit what I wanted but still responded. I hate poor grammar and that was a big no no for me. Also, guys that got too clingy right away sent red flags (things like I sent you 200 responses, why didn't you respond?). Oddly, I did delete a few guys who didn't fit the type I wanted lookwise but they were usually deleted only because I just had too many to respond to. I met a few guys though who were not my type but still met them because they sent a nice email.

[Batya33]

Yes, I had my venting list too when I met people through on line dating sites but I really tried to avoid getting bogged down with that because dating is hard enough without negativity. I loved the block and delete features and once I clicked one of those I moved on to more positive pastures so to speak - otherwise the negativity would be overwhelming.

[ut804]

Can someone tell me, preferably females who've done online dating, what are my odds of getting a replied message? One in ten? Twenty? Fifty? I've been trying for nearly 3 months now and I'm not getting anywhere, profile rewritten several times, better photos added, I honestly don't believe I'm that unappealing or bad looking. I really just want to show who I am but I'm not getting the chance to do so, it's even more frustrating when the girl has similar interests. What prevents girls from just giving a guy an opportunity to present himself?

 

its just so competitive...there are thousands of singles in your area so people can be very picky. i can't tell you why girls don't respond to your messages because I have no clue what your dating profile looks like. i get lots of messages and to be honest the first thing i notice are the photos and then if the guy is cute I read his profile. for me the guy has to be good looking (in my eyes) and someone with similar interests. everyone has their own opinions and you just have to keep looking, thats all i can say

[The Wire]

^ It's kinda worse when the pool of women in your area isn't huge to begin with. I refuse to believe I'm not an acceptable mate but it's so disheartening sending off message after message and not getting anything in return. It's easy to say not to take it to heart and all but it does sap your confidence a bit, all of a sudden you have seconds thoughts about messaging some women because you wonder if you're just wasting your time. I really hate to think it comes down to looks.

[wsim]

Don't put much stock into online dating.... it is definitely a numbers/chance game. I would definitely argue that finding a job (even in this crap economy) is easier than getting a date, at least from my experience. At least I was able to get jobs. Getting dates? Still have a lifetime batting average of .000 there.

 

Trying to get a date is much tougher than other people realize. For those that have not struggled for years or perhaps even their entire lives to find a relationship, their viewpoint is flawed. On the other hand, you can make the effort, do everything right and still not get the time of day by women. It can be very disheartening at times.

[ut804]

^ It's kinda worse when the pool of women in your area isn't huge to begin with. I refuse to believe I'm not an acceptable mate but it's so disheartening sending off message after message and not getting anything in return. It's easy to say not to take it to heart and all but it does sap your confidence a bit, all of a sudden you have seconds thoughts about messaging some women because you wonder if you're just wasting your time. I really hate to think it comes down to looks.

 

just keep looking. I'm attractive and yet I message guys and dont get responses. Or guys will message me and I'mm reply back but then they never reply again. Or they ask for my number and call once or not at all. Or I get a first date only to not like the guy or to have him not like me. I know how you feel. but don't give up

[newwave]

just keep looking. I'm attractive and yet I message guys and dont get responses. Or guys will message me and I'mm reply back but then they never reply again. Or they ask for my number and call once or not at all. Or I get a first date only to not like the guy or to have him not like me. I know how you feel. but don't give up

 

I've had all of that happen too. That's the problem with online dating because it has to be an "automatic" chemistty or people get bored. Of course in reality true chemistry takes months to happe but people figure they don't want to wait.

[The Wire]

I just realized the epitome of rudeness of online dating is when you send a message on POF and it comes back saying 'unread deleted', that to me is just plain disrespectful that you don't even bother to read the message. Those people can go to hell.

[newwave]

I just realized the epitome of rudeness of online dating is when you send a message on POF and it comes back saying 'unread deleted', that to me is just plain disrespectful that you don't even bother to read the message. Those people can go to hell.

 

I asked this in another thread, but what kind of messages are you sending? That might be the problem.

[The Wire]

Just general Hey, how are you, I'm , I've notice this or that in your profile kinda stuff, what do you do for a living, etc, maybe a joke or two thrown in for good measure, a bit about myself, and usually ending with a question for them to respond to, basically just trying to come accross as harmless and as sincere as and as interested as possible.

[ut804]

I just realized the epitome of rudeness of online dating is when you send a message on POF and it comes back saying 'unread deleted', that to me is just plain disrespectful that you don't even bother to read the message. Those people can go to hell.

 

yeah it's rude because the person sending the message took the time to read your profile and write something.

then again, if you get a ton of messages do you really read every single one? it gets time consuming. the whole process of searching, reading profiles, looking at photos, responding to messages, etc. can take up hours per week. i think when you're new to online dating you make the effort of reading and writing messages, but after a while you realize it's a lot of time wasted because you still didn't meet anyone good. so then you get impatient and dont even bother reading the message if the thumbnail photo or subject line doesn't impress you. i know its rude but people dont feel bad because its over the computer and you're not ignoring someone face to face.

[The Wire]

Shouldn't you at least glance at it? Surely they're not all 5 paragraphs in length.

[ut804]

Shouldn't you at least glance at it? Surely they're not all 5 paragraphs in length.

 

yeah I guess.. I've actually been doing that because I would delete messages without reading them but now I'll take a glance because of what you said.

people should keep their first messages short though because they should know the person may not respond. I hate getting 5 paragraph messages when I'm not interested, it makes me feel bad