i have to vent about online dating

[newwave]

yeah I guess.. I've actually been doing that because I would delete messages without reading them but now I'll take a glance because of what you said.

people should keep their first messages short though because they should know the person may not respond. I hate getting 5 paragraph messages when I'm not interested, it makes me feel bad

 

I do too. I've gotten novels from these guys and most of them are guys I'm not interested in. I hate short messages like "How r u" but on the other hand I don't want paragraph after paragraph. I remember one time I got this email from a guy going into his relationships in depth. I don't want to discuss those things until later on, unless it directly pertains to what I am looking for. Then I've gotten very nasty emails from guys telling me how evil I am because I don't date dads. If they are offended, wouldn't it make sense to contact someone who's interested? I've gotten guys who aren't what I want yet tell me to "give them a chance". Sorry, but I don't have to give anyone a chance if I don't want to.

[highrise]

I've had all of that happen too. That's the problem with online dating because it has to be an "automatic" chemistty or people get bored. Of course in reality true chemistry takes months to happe but people figure they don't want to wait.

 

Amen! I met a guy on an online dating site, he was full on during the month until we met, then went completely cold. Another month later, after much confusion on my part, I finally wheedled it out of him that he 'didn't fancy me' and 'felt no spark' and 'didn't want a serious relationship after all'!

 

I don't know whether he was looking at my photos through Kate Moss-tinted glasses, or laughing at our banter out of politeness or enjoying sexytime chat and phone calls with a picture of Sandra Bullock taped to the inside of his eyelids and a voice simulator attached to the receiver - but really, it was ridiculous. As for the volte face over a relationship, I was almost tempted to demand he refund me for my month's subscription for false advertising

 

Having said all of that, I don't find that online dating is any more or less successful than meeting someone at work, in a pub etc., I think perhaps it's just that our expectations are higher because there are our options, all presented to us on a plate, matched and waiting for something to happen. Humans are humans, that's the truth!

[newwave]

I think the difference (this is true in my case) is many people need to develop a base with people and that comes from knowing them. Most of the guys I've dated (or crushed on) were guys I knew for months or years and many weren't handsome and many weren't even my "type" at all. Online is the opposite because there is so much competition the chemistry has to be there right away and if it isn't there is disappointment. People often think that wonderful online/phone chats mean wonderful face to face and not always. There have been many cases where I spent hours emailing or talking on the phone then awkwardness when meeting.

[highrise]

I'm not disagreeing with you at all, it's just a very strange concept to me that people change their opinion so much once they meet you face-to-face. Perhaps I just enjoy the face-to-face more (I hate telephones, for example) so have the optimism advantage right away!

[newwave]

I'm not disagreeing with you at all, it's just a very strange concept to me that people change their opinion so much once they meet you face-to-face. Perhaps I just enjoy the face-to-face more (I hate telephones, for example) so have the optimism advantage right away!

 

I know you're not disagreeing, in fact you are right. It's really frustrating when people change their mind. I've seen it in many cases, not just online.

[The Wire]

I do too. I've gotten novels from these guys and most of them are guys I'm not interested in. I hate short messages like "How r u" but on the other hand I don't want paragraph after paragraph. I remember one time I got this email from a guy going into his relationships in depth. I don't want to discuss those things until later on, unless it directly pertains to what I am looking for. Then I've gotten very nasty emails from guys telling me how evil I am because I don't date dads. If they are offended, wouldn't it make sense to contact someone who's interested? I've gotten guys who aren't what I want yet tell me to "give them a chance". Sorry, but I don't have to give anyone a chance if I don't want to.

 

 

Can I ask what's a good message length? In my early attempts at communication I'd write 2 or 3 paragraphs but I've since scaled it back a bit.

[newwave]

Can I ask what's a good message length? In my early attempts at communication I'd write 2 or 3 paragraphs but I've since scaled it back a bit.

 

Personally I'd go for about a paragraph or so. You don't want a simple sentence because that to me usually implies a guy is either looking for sex or responding because he thinks I'm cute. A long novel is too tiresome to read when I get 100+ responses. I'd start by talking about hobbies you too share or something like that. That always got my response. On my profile I mentioned I like seafood and several guys responded by telling me they knew a great seafood restaurant. This worked.

[The Wire]

I don't know what I'm doing wrong then, hobbies and interests are usually the first thing I write about, for instance I like to draw and paint so whenever I see a girl list the same thing as a hobby or profession I immediately latch onto that as a conversation starter, in fact one girl had the exact same job as me which made an opening message even easier, and yet nothing. *shrugs*

[newwave]

Wire, I am confused as much as you are why girls don't respond. That's the problem with online dating, too many men and less women so women can be pickier. I rarely judged guys on their look if they sent me a nice email. I even dated a guy who was too large for me but his email was so nice.

[The Wire]

I really didn't think they'd be that picky, maybe it's just me being a naive novice but I would have thought I'd have gotten at least some decent communication by now. One can only persevere I guess although the options are becoming fewer and fewer. BTW, I've noticed a lot of women don't put down many details about themselves, is this a deliberate tactic? I can never make up my mind whether to contact these girls because their profiles are so vague.

[newwave]

I really didn't think they'd be that picky, maybe it's just me being a naive novice but I would have thought I'd have gotten at least some decent communication by now. One can only persevere I guess although the options are becoming fewer and fewer. BTW, I've noticed a lot of women don't put down many details about themselves, is this a deliberate tactic? I can never make up my mind whether to contact these girls because their profiles are so vague.

 

Is it a free site? If so they probably aren't serious. I have a few profiles on free sites but mostly to lurk or read the forums. They have only what they are supposed to but nothing else.

[The Wire]

Yeah it's a free site, might avoid those girls then.

[newwave]

Yes contact those with indepth profiles. I rarely respond when guys contact me on the free sites. I did delete a couple profiles and eventually will delete them all.

[The Wire]

Thanks for your help.

[newwave]

I hope you find someone because you seem pretty cool. Online dating is really rough for many people. Personally it never helped me but many others got married from it.

[ut804]

profiles shouldn't be vague but not too detailed either. It bugs me when a guy doesn't have his education or drug use filled out. These are important things I want to know. I don't even bother talking to a guy with an empty profile because he doesn't sound serious about finding a match.

 

I'm on a free site but I'm serious about finding someone. I'm also on a paying site but I don't see too much difference. I like the free sites because they're free lol. I've been paying $40 a month for match . com and havnt found anyone so I feel like I'm wasting my money

[The Wire]

Well I think I've officially exhausted all my options for girls online in my city, the sign up rate for new women on the various sites I'm on is like 5 a week so it's not like I'm flush with newbies to try and contact, damn this vast and sparsely populated country of mine! So should I go from the beginning and start sending some follow up messages to girls I've tried to contact before but didn't get responses from? What's a good way to message a lady a second time without giving off some kind of 'creepy stalker guy' impression? How do I make a better impression the second time around if it's even possible to do it at all?

 

Edit: I'll dovetail all that with have any women who have done online dating had a guy message them a second time and given him a shot?

[ut804]

Well I think I've officially exhausted all my options for girls online in my city, the sign up rate for new women on the various sites I'm on is like 5 a week so it's not like I'm flush with newbies to try and contact, damn this vast and sparsely populated country of mine! So should I go from the beginning and start sending some follow up messages to girls I've tried to contact before but didn't get responses from? What's a good way to message a lady a second time without giving off some kind of 'creepy stalker guy' impression? How do I make a better impression the second time around if it's even possible to do it at all?

 

Edit: I'll dovetail all that with have any women who have done online dating had a guy message them a second time and given him a shot?

 

I think most likely if you didn't get a response the first time you won't get a response the second time, unless you change your profile information or picture. You could try again but if they're not interested they might just get annoyed. I don't know what you could say in the second message though...

[The Wire]

Might forget that idea then, don't want to annoy anyone. Kinda out of options, guess I just have to wait a few weeks until some more ladies sign up.

[1guygirl]

well i joined eharmony which hasnt been much success, except for one guy who seems really nice and on my page but im not feeling the attraction....mabes that would change if we met up

 

im on another couple and OMG there are some serious red flags out there!!!!

 

one guy, 3 months out of a 10 year relationship wanted to meet me...i politely said that i didnt feel right about meeting a guy so short out of a LTR, he whined, sorry, messaged back "so youre cyber dumping me then?..oh ok, i hope you find what youre looking for"

 

another, 49 yo, miles and miles away has jus asked me after ONE brief, non flirty, 'hi' kinda reply to him, if i would meet him this weekend except it would have to be at a park cos hes got his 3 kids with him (2, 4, and 6 yo) so in other words, me go all that way to meet him. Now i replied i wouldnt because its not basically right on them young kids to have a stranger/woman thrust into their faces...you jus dont do that do you!!

 

then another one...jeez, 41, 6 months out of his SECOND divorce has been multi messaging me (even when i stated on my profile i couldnt reply to messages at the time) oh well...he was on about how his latest ex wife was 15 years younger, didnt want kids at the time and he couldnt cos of snip, but they split cos she then wanted kids. i jus thought hmmm...so, youre seeing a woman in her early 20s im guessing, while youre knocking on 40, and instead of using wisdom and holding off marriage to see how far things go, or to see if she ever changed her mind (as young women tend to do) , oh no, you raced on in there, keen to bag a young trophy wife instead of thinking things through calmly. Jog on. And to think he said "im so glad that hasnt put you off! ....i didnt even remember being put on...and i certainly didnt indicate anything of the sort to him. besides when a 41 yo repeatedly says HEE HEE in his messages, i think omg, manboy!

 

im jus glad that my BS barometer is finely tuned to the hilt...theres so many more and agree with OP, non personalised messages wrote to 'women' is a real turn off.

 

im thinking tho, i have had enough of BS so ive been tactfully calling these guys out on their crap, but now im thinking no dont, cos they will just hide their tracks better and some poor woman is gunna end up with Mr Dysfunctional

 

 

the sad thing is, it jus shows me how much me and ex just clicked so easily (until i remind myself im in la la land and he had his own red flags too)

 

 

ps im not dissing the entire male species, jus a few, and i cant speak for ladies as im not trying to date them *tho i bet theres a few wobblers there too*

 

ITS A MINEFIELD OUT THERE ...jus not sure i can be bothered with it!! lol

[1guygirl]

I just realized the epitome of rudeness of online dating is when you send a message on POF and it comes back saying 'unread deleted', that to me is just plain disrespectful that you don't even bother to read the message. Those people can go to hell.

 

hey wire... they may have a filter/age thing going on ?? cos sometimes even when you do have a filter the sites send you 'matches' that arent infact matches at all

 

i know it is a kicker, cos i get ignored too, thats why i even replied to all my filtered messages hehe, however, i wish i hadnt bothered *wingnuts* ...look at it this way, if/when they are deleting out of disrespect, you have jus saved time and energy on Miss Ignoramus-Arrogantus ...the words dodged and bullet spring to mind

[The Wire]

hey wire... they may have a filter/age thing going on ?? cos sometimes even when you do have a filter the sites send you 'matches' that arent infact matches at all

 

i know it is a kicker, cos i get ignored too, thats why i even replied to all my filtered messages hehe, however, i wish i hadnt bothered *wingnuts* ...look at it this way, if/when they are deleting out of disrespect, you have jus saved time and energy on Miss Ignoramus-Arrogantus ...the words dodged and bullet spring to mind

 

Yeah you're right, just becomes frustrating after a while sending out countless messages and getting nothing, it's makes you start doubting and asking questions about yourself, but I'm learning not to let it get to me, I refuse to be one of those guys that's starts getting depressed because women don't notice him. Sorry to hear about your bad experiences BTW, we're not all like that.

[The Wire]

Can someone tell me when a woman puts in her profile 'I like chatting and meeting new people' is that code for something? I see a lot of women put that sentence or words to that effect in their profile but it confuses me given the lack of responses I've gotten.

[jenna981]

hehe... well, you have to keep a sense of humor with online dating. On POF if someone messages me that I'm not interested in I'll delete the message right away so they get the hint, but if they keep it up or were too creepy/out of line the first message I just block them. I try not to block too often because POF says they remove profiles with too many blocks, so just being fair to the other person.

 

If you want people to read your profile, I've found it helps to just put a face shot and a clothed body shot (no bikinis/swimsuits). I try to post plain jane pics on purpose.

[Melting]

Unfortunately patience is the key too...