Move On or Hold On?

[SA2000]

Hello. I am pretty new here but here is my story...

 

I met my ex at a bar where we both worked. When we met I was in a relationship. She persued me and eventually I broke up with the girl I was dating (not to date my recent ex but due to other problems in the relationship). We fell fast and hard for eachother and I moved in within about 6 months. She admitted to admiring me from a far when I worked at a previous job and thought that fate had brought me to her.

 

We were nothing but happy for 3 years. I then perposed to her. Shortly after I graduated college. Once that ring was on her pretty little finger I started to get scared that I was losing myself and that I was becoming too dependant on her for my own happiness.

 

I got a "real" job and started drinking with my new work buddies alot. She told me many times that I needed to start showing her that I loved her and that she had nothing to worry about. But while I was partying I always thought that we loved each other deeply and could get past any issue. As a bartender it was also my job to entertain my guests. Due to my actions she started to lose confidence in our relationship which I did not do a good job of restoring.

 

After 2 years of this she started to pull away and hang out with her friends more. I didn't worry about it because I thought we were so solid that we would just get through it and things would return to normal once we left the service industry. No one could come close to how perfect we were for each other.

 

Then it hit. She broke up with me and said she had been confiding in someone else. Basically she would go hang out with this other guy and tell him how I was hurting her. I was floored. I begged and pleaded to no avail. So with my tail between my legs I moved out.

 

We kept in contact and still texted every day. We did not go a week without seeing each other. She would invite me over because she couldn't sleep or I would take her out to dinner. A few months later we were back together.

 

After a month of being back together, we had not resolved any of our issues. She said the "spark" was gone. We also had new issues as I was insecure with the fact that she was still in contact with the guy she dated in our off time. I told her to stop contacting him but she did not want to do so as this was the only thing she could hold over my head. We eventually broke up and then patched things up again. We were together for about 4 months and were starting to be happy again. But randomly I would pick fights due to my insecurities with the other guy still texting her. I knew she was not seeing him as she was always with me but I couldn't understand why she couldnt tell him to piss off and stop calling. This was her only way of getting through to me. Every time I would make her upset she would say we needed to break up and that she was moving home. When things were good she would say she wants to run off and get married (she is VERY indecisive!).

 

We both finally quit bartending in July and then broke up again on 8/1. She said she knew that I would not want to talk to her so she would "respect my wishes" and not try to contact me. I thanked her. She decided she should move home and think about things. My mother became very sick and has a major surgery coming up. The ex has texted me a few times saying that she is praying for us. I have not texted back. She also texted "please talk to me" and called drunk last weekend. She was crying but then told me she was upset with me for deleting her friends on Facebook and appearing to be over her on twitter. I tried to explain myself but she did not want to hear it. She asked if I could pick her up at her friends house but then said she had to go because someone was calling her (at 3:00 am?!? We both used to go to afterbars alot). I have not talked to her since.

 

I really do care for and love her. I feel like we are actually changing the things that drove us apart but feel since she broke up with me it is her job to initiate recinciliation. I dont know how much time to give her though before I start to move on. I am trying to give her the space she needs now to figure things out but feel like I am closing the door on her attempts at conversation.

 

Should I stick to NC and try to move on? Or should I respond and see where it goes? I know pushing will only push her right into the other guys arms but at the same time I want her to know that I am willing and ready to change for her and that our bartending lifestyle is behind us but also that she will need to change as well. We have not seen each other in 10 days other then yesterday when I happened to drive past her. She smiled and waived.

 

My plan is to let her breathe and give her space until Monday. Then text her and thank her for her prayers as my Mom seems to be in better shape than initially thought (she was diagnosed with lung cancer but it is probably curable). I will then be reactive if she attempts to contact me. Or should I just let go and move on like she asked me to do? I feel as though I have made it through my 1/4 life crisis and that she is in the middle of hers. I do not want to be a doormat and have her walking in and out of my life at will but also want to rebuild from scratch. How do I stop the break up make up cycle?

 

I know this post is long but 6 years is a lot to sum up.

[SapphireNoir10]

All you can do is make it clear you want to reconcile and that you think things have a chance. Then the balls in her court and you've said all you want to say.

 

If you do reconcile have you considered couples counselling to get to the root of the deeper issues?

[SA2000]

We discussed premarital counselling. We are pretty aware of what the problems are though. We do not make each other feel safe and secure.

[SapphireNoir10]

Do you think that will ever change?

[SA2000]

Honestly I do. I think now that we are out of the bar industry we will be able to honestly work on things and not be getting drunk every weekend. Given the opportunity I think we could work through our issues. But at the same time I want to show her that she can't just break up with me every time she is mad. If we are going to commit to this we need to honestly commit. I know that it has to start with one of us though. Usually she does things because she is mad that I did something dumb. An eye for an eye just leaves two blind people. That approach can't work in a relationship.

[SapphireNoir10]

If its to work you need to both sit down, set down what you both want from it, how your going to get to those goals and agree that if your going to make it work your both 100% in it, none of this foot out the door thing she seems to have going.

[Eddie37]

Go no contact. You're a mess, she's a mess. Take some time apart....some serious time apart, a couple months. See where you guys stand after two months of no contact. That's the best advice I have for you.

[SA2000]

Eddie - I got the same advice from a few friends. It seems as though we have tried to go without contacting each other but we just can't seem to do it. I am trying now but it's not getting easier. This is the longest we have ever gone and I am in hell.

 

Sappphire - If she comes to me and says she would like to reconcile I agree that this is the only way for us to honestly do so. I have to not allow it to turn into finger pointing though. I feel as though we are too proud to get to that point though as this will be the second "official" breakup we have had in a year. But I am an extreme optimist so I wont say it wont happen.

[Eddie37]

Eddie - I got the same advice from a few friends. It seems as though we have tried to go without contacting each other but we just can't seem to do it. I am trying now but it's not getting easier. This is the longest we have ever gone and I am in hell.

Yeah, you two have developed a really unhealthy, toxic dynamic. If there is true love beneath all the garbage and games, then you'll need some time apart for each of you to sort through it all and get healthy and clean. But make this time apart about you, not her. Just do it, man. You've reached a point where enough is enough. Now do the right thing. No contact.

[SA2000]

Eddie - I know that no contact is the way to go to really heal and that if its meant to be its meant to be but I keep thinking about how I destroyed this relationship and how things could have been. If she calls and starts crying there is no way I can be cold to her. I am going to try though. Its already been almost 2 weeks.

[Eddie37]

Eddie - I know that no contact is the way to go to really heal and that if its meant to be its meant to be but I keep thinking about how I destroyed this relationship and how things could have been. If she calls and starts crying there is no way I can be cold to her. I am going to try though. Its already been almost 2 weeks.

Holmes, you didn't destroy anything. It's just two imperfect, flawed people who tried to make it work. Her problems, flaws and mistakes were just as much a part of the breakup as yours...trust me on this. In time, you'll understand that she played a big part in the breakup as well. It's natural for you to feel guilty and place all the blame on yourself right now...but don't. You need time and distance apart from this woman to see things more clearly.

[SA2000]

Eddie - Oh we both made a lot of mistakes. They started on my end but continued to go both ways. But I know that time only moves forward. I am honestly surprised that she hasn't tried to contact me more. I guess its only been a week and a half though. Had I not gone NC there is no doubt in my mind that we would have worked things out by

now. But I want things to work long term. Not just to slap another band aid on it.

[Eddie37]

Well, be prepared to for the possibility that it may never work, not now or long term. You have to let things go when they're not working.

[SA2000]

Eddie - I am trying to come to terms with that at the moment. Its been a rough year. But I know that we can not work until we both are willing to really work on ourselves. If she does not use this time to figure out who she is and what she wants, like I am doing, this will never work. I will miss her tremendously and will always consider her the one I was supposed to spend my life with but will be willing to let go. I will be fine alone. I am an only child so I am actually used to it.

[SA2000]

Ok I am contemplating breaking NC within the next few days. I did not want to do NC for too long as the idea was to start fresh but stay in each others lives.

 

She has tried to contact me only twice but said she wouldnt contact me when we last spoke. She said "Don't think I am not calling because I am over you or don't want to speak to you. I am not calling or texting because I am respecting your wishes".

 

Both times she attempted contact she said she was praying for my Mom. I spoke to her last weekend while she was drunk but that didnt go well.

 

So the plan is that I will text her and say "Hey. Thanks for your prayers. My mom has a big surgery coming up on monday! I want to open the doors to communtication. I want her to feel like she can contact me if she is missing me or wants to talk about working through things.

 

I was thinking about sending the text either tonight or Sunday. I will be out of town all weekend so she wont be able to ask me to meet up with her to get the stuff of mine she says she has. Also she wont be able to drunk dial me and ask me to see her at 2 a.m.

 

What do I do? Break NC? Wait a few days to see if she tries to call again? Let it go and continue NC? I miss her greatly and think that she now has had some time to think. I do want her to realize what life will be like without me though.

[SA2000]

Update - I got a text from the ex this morning. It read "I need a closure talk". So I called her and talked with her for about 20 minutes. She sai she has been doing well at her new job and just wondered what I've been up to. She said she wanted closure on our situation as she has been thinking about it alot. I asked her if she was happier. She said I don't know and asked if I was happy. I said No but that I'd e ok.

 

I then told her I wanted her to know how I felt. I told her I loved her and wanted to work things out an that I have been taking the last few weeks to think about what I wanted in life. Also I told her that if she did not want the same thing that we should no longer talk to each other. She thought I was mad at her because she has initiated all contact over the last few weeks. She said she thought I had moved on and met someone else. I told her we both needed time to think. She said she will think about it and call me back. We chatted breifly about what weve been up to and then I told her I had to go and hung up. She seems sad and interested in working things out but I could be wrong.

 

We will have to talk and have a discussion on how we are going to change if we decide to work it out but it was time to go all in. Now I feel I will have a success story either way in a few weeks. NC works. It really helped us think and miss each other. Will that be enough? I don't know. But I feel souch better after the talk.

[Ms Darcy]

Go no contact. You're a mess, she's a mess. Take some time apart....some serious time apart, a couple months. See where you guys stand after two months of no contact. That's the best advice I have for you.

 

This is a start, but you two need therapy. You saying that you know what the issues are and that you don't need therapy is what makes me think it won't work out in the long run. Relationship conflict isn't about 'fixing the problem' - it's about learning how to communicate in a way the other person wants and needs.

[bwhite00]

Damn dude there's a lot of parallels between my break-up and yours.

 

My ex also started spending a lot of time with her friends at the end - whom I can only speculate gave her terrible advice.

 

I dated my ex after being apart from her for two months. This lasted month and she asked for space.

 

Now the month we dated was great for both of us and I showed her I was truly willing to change my behavior; namely show her more affection/attention and take her out more.

 

Here's the catch. She kept thinking I was trying to 'trick' her back to me by showing her I was willing to put effort into fixing this. She, on the other hand, has made NO effort fix her behavior.

She drinks, parties, etc. All since we split. Well since we've taken a mutually agreeable month break again from each other ( I told her to contact me and I'll reply but I won't text or call her ) she's texted me 'I can't stop thinking of you'.

 

That's great and all but it's also bull * * * * . Things WERE going smoothly and she BAILED. What will stop her from continuing to do that?

 

I don't know. But all I do know is: when I text or call her and she a) doesn't reply or b) replies in a less than positive way I act like a needy puppy dog.

 

So my only solution is to let her contact me and be positive if and when she does. I love the girl but she has issues and I can't stand the uncertainty. We dated for awhile post-BU and I treated her in all the ways I failed towards the end of our relationship which caused the split.

 

I can't do anymore. Let her come to you and if she doesn't come? Then at least you didn't waste your time and energy on a girl who doesn't want you.

[SA2000]

Looks like we are in the same exact spot. What seems to be working is letting her come to me and being confident. She card me again last night at 3 am. She asked for my new address and then showed up. She said age wanted to see how things felt since she hasn't seen me in 2 weeks. She called later in the day to check up on me (mom had a BIG surgery today). I'll give her more time and space. She needs to decide what she wants. I'm not interested in playing games or casually dating anymore. If she doesn't give me a firm commitment I'll be perfectly ok going NC for a few years.

[SA2000]

She texted me last night just as I was getting home. She asked if I was ok (I spent the day with Mom in the hospital). I didn't respond. I was too tired after waking up at 3 am to answer her drunken call and then being up the rest of the day while Mom went throught surgery. Although I was looking to reestablish open lines of communication, the idea behind our conversation on Sunday was not to string me along. I told her that I wanted to work things out and if we werent going to do that then I did not want to speak to her anymore. Although I want to say "Look, Im fine. I don't want to hear from you until you figure out what you want" I feel almost obligated to be cordial as she clearly cares about me. I told her I would give her time to think. She needs to take that time. I am going to go Very LC until she brings up our talk. If I don't feel like we are moving in that direction I will go NC for the foreseeable future. I have too much going on in my life right now to be concerned with this.

[RobD70]

You have not been giving her an opportunity to miss you. Being LC has kept you both in limbo and you are naïve if you think she is going to just snap out of it and try with you again.

 

This is one reason why NC is important. It lets them experience life without you and give them a chance to see if that is really what they want. You being in almost constant contact and reassuring her is enabling her to move on from you. She is too insecure to just let you go but she obviously has issues with you or else she will be with you now. Nothing worth having comes easy and right now you are too easy. She probably feels she can do better than you.

 

2 weeks ain’t nothing. You need 2 months at least. She needs to see you in a new light and as a new person for any type of reconciliation to work. As long as she thinks you will be waiting for her she has no real motivation to go back and can use you as a safety net if she wants to see other guys.

[SA2000]

I know we need more time. It was a rough week and I got weak. Ill give her more time to realize what she wants in life. I think she is getting an idea but being LC (I have been responding to her attempts at contact roughly once a week) isn't going to allow her to work through her issues. But you live and learn. We will see what happens. Im not going to continue to focus on this issue as I have other things in life that need my attention. If she wants to try she knows where to find me.

[bwhite00]

Yeah bro that's my approach too. I don't contact her at all but if she texts me I reply in a friendly way. The day I stop caring about her is the day I don't reply.

 

The main thing is not to INITIATE contact and you'll be alright. This girl dumped me there is no reason to jump through hoops to get her back. Period.

 

Now I must add that the reason I reply is because I do - on a visceral level - want to work things out. But if I get to the point where that isn't the case (either I date another girl or decide I can't forgive her) then complete NC will be my solution.

 

But for now, despite her immaturity, I still have feelings so I am courteous to her.

 

And I must also add that as the one who was left behind, the more time that passes, the less I care about hearing from her or seeing her. I used to be like Pavlov's dog when I get a text: start salivating, tail wagging etc.

 

Now I'm to the point where it's like Ehhh What does she want?

 

I slept with my ex for a month two months after we split then she needed 'space' so I offered not to contact her for a month but I told her to text or call if she wants to talk. After this interim passes and if nothing has changed, I shall bid her adieu.

[SA2000]

I basically reiterated what I said to her this weekend. Ideally I would like to work things out. But if she does not want that then she should not contact me. We will see what happens. I should have just stuck to responding every second or third time she contacted me. Now she knows that I want to work things out.

 

It is a lot easier to go through the day knowing you can contact the other person and they will respond. I feel as though I have taken a step backwards. She needs to be the one to initiate the conversation. But yet again I am the one opening the door. Although she seemed receptive to the idea she said she would think about it. I am not going to sit by the phone and wait. If she does not contact me within the next week I will go strict NC. I know I will be fine with out her.

 

I told her I was done playing games and that I didn't want to do the whole break up make up cycle over and over again.

[bwhite00]

I agree with your approach and I also regret telling my ex to contact me if she wants even though I wouldn't be contacting her. But this way I don't have to be worried about getting rejected if I reach out to her. It's just so frustrating because we dated post BU and we had a mutually great time together and a lot of intimacy (reminding her of the chemistry we have was important and we have an intense attraction towards each other - we always have).

 

I'm giving it a month. And 9 days have passed. Once the month has gone by I doubt I contact her again unless within the remaining time she does a complete 180 and decides she wants to resume where we left off -- assuming I still want that.

 

This gets tedious. I'm tired of playing games with my first love who I was in a commited relationship with for 1.5 years.

 

Her friends are immature and drink all the time and I hate how she'd rather go that route than pursue a future with me. Ultimately it's her choice. I'm just tired of waiting on the sidelines as a helpless spectator.