Move On or Hold On?

[Nappyloxs]

After 30 days, you will find out. I can't answer it for you. I can tell you that it is hard to do 30 days. When my ex. and I broke up, I couldn't go more than 14 days. Although she never admitted to really missing me during that breakup. I found out that she was searching me online and joined a dating site I was on and keeping tabs on me. Didn't help that she knew my common passwords.

 

Now this time around I am much better with NC. I still get the urge to call or text, but more just to say hello and honest, give myself some hope. But everytime I have broken NC, I may feel good at first, but then later feel terrible. Now, when I think of breakng NC, I actually feel a little stronger by not breaking.

 

Another thing that will happen which is why people break NC, is that they feel that they left something unsaid. But you and I have told are exes everything. The ball is in there court.

 

If you want her to change, you must let her change on her own. She is already going on the destructive path of jealousy. My ex was once though I was banging my friend's wife because I was too drunk to drive home from their house. I have a mentor who is a 45 yr old heavy set woman, I meet her for lunch to discuss work every few months. She accused me of banging her. Yet, she works with only men!!! You don't want to deal with the jealousy, it means a lack of trust and respect. 2 of the main components of a healthy relationship.

 

You can do the 30 day challenge. It will be a challenge, but do it for you. There are plenty of threads on here to use instead of contacting your ex, even if she initiates the contact.

 

Good luck

[SA2000]

The only problem here is that my ex has a guy she keeps in contact with. He is always there for her. She is a big challange to him because she keeps coming back to me. So every time we break up she goes to him to try to replace all that I provided in our relationship. This is very painful for me. So by removing myself from the picture all together it gives her opportunity to allow her feelings to change. When I pop in and out of th picture every now and then she keeps the feelings alive for me. Right now she doesnt trust me. She doesnt know what she wants. Her heart says I am the one for her and her head says run. She was raised in an abusive family so she always runs. It's hard to walk away knowing that it is only fear that is causing these problems. And the guy she runs too is known for being a player. The more I push the more she runs to him. In this case is NC really the best idea? Or random LC?

[SA2000]

The more I think about this situation the more torn I am. A huge part of me wants to hold on. Like I believe that we can come together as long as I stay strong and that is what a good man does. Then there is a big part of me that says "Ok SA 2000, Enough. This chick had it all. A ring on her finger, a man that loved her, and a life ahead of her. She got scared and threw that away. Let it go. There are a million women who wish they had what she threw away."

 

That part of me grows a little larger each day. When she calls or we talk I get set back. I get hope. I feel like she is coming around. Then something happens that tells me otherwise. She still has not had to face losing me. I have been disrespected so many times I can not count. She plays the victim and blows me off. Only to come back a few days batting her eyelashes and telling me how much she cares.

 

I feel as though I have been abused. I would never take this type of treatment from anyone else. Why do I allow it from her? Why do I allow her the benefit of the doubt time and time again? And when I finally start to pull away she pulls me back. Only to put me through the whole thing again a few months later. There is a reason I didn't fight the break up this time. I need to remember that. I needed this. I needed to let her go. I knew it would be so difficult but it would be better then the relationship we had.

 

I feel as though as soon as I start to walk she chases. When she chases I always quickly return. So how do you stop that pattern? How do you get a real commitment? I guess I will not know. I HAVE TO LET GO.

 

Would I take someone seriously if they said they were moving on but yet would come back any time I asked? No. definitely not. So how do you get them to realize this is not a game anymore. I guess the only way is to walk away. To say I am sorry but I can't take it anymore. I can't take the pain of the back and forth. If you want me in your life you have to prove it to me. Because I no longer believe you. But when the other person honestly thinks that they are the victim it is impossible to get to this point. Well I guess it's time to respect myself. You are a beautiful girl. But on the inside you have become very ugly.

 

I can't be your knight if you don't allow me to do so. And when you come to realize that on the inside you are not happy and that you have lost the person who loved you for you, and believe me that day will come, the one you claimed fate brought to you, it will be too late. The damage has been done. I can not answer your calls. I can not be there for you. You have to earn my respect again. And that is a difficult thing to do.

[SA2000]

What the hell happened?

[Nappyloxs]

I swear I could have wrote that about my ex.!!! This is why you need some time. As you said you torn. Just take some time to breath.

 

Man, you and I were in the same boat. My head was all mixed up when I was with my ex. She use to breakup or threatened to breakup every week for a month or more. I went to see a therapist because I knew I had to break this cycle. Even then I wasn't strong enough to end the relationship. I waited for the next time she said she it was over and I was done. The first time was on her birthday!!! But I had bought her a gift and couldn't return it, so I said f- that she is getting this gift. So we got back together. (According to her the best birthday gift she every received). A week later she said it again. When she said it, I thought I heard crying, but I just said okay and hung up. I was so tired of the relationship.

 

I just really worked on myself to this day. It is a challenge, but you need to and can do it.

 

FYI, we just fall hard when we are in love and don't see things clearly. Screw this chicks.

[SA2000]

I'm starting to wonder if I love her or if I love being in love.

[SA2000]

You always said you fight for love. You didn't fight for * * * * .

[SA2000]

So I went to the Dr. yesterday just for a check up. I start telling him how I am taking this break up pretty rough and have been having a little trouble sleeping from time to time. The Dr. gives me a sleep aid and antidepressants! I refuse to take antidepressants so I just filled the script and tossed them in a cabinet. I took the sleep aid which apparently helps with anxiety too.

 

So last night I slept pretty good. But today I feel so chill. Like too chill almost. I am naturally a happy person. Even in times like these. Now I just feel really relaxed. It's almost weird. I might have to just stick to drinking water and working out. Now I just want to watch hella TV.

[SA2000]

Man looking back on this thread makes me hella depressed. I know being in love is hard but who have I become? This isn't me. This isnt the SA2K I know. I am only on day 3 or whatever of the most recent NC but this isnt how I react.

 

The last year has been tough. But the problem is I have allowed it to be tough. I have dwelled on this situation and looked for a way to get what ever I want out of it. Everytime she has come back I have questioned why I worked so hard to get someone who puts forth little effort. But never in the past did I allow something or someone like this to effect me. And if I did I sure didn't let it show.

[SA2000]

Thinking more about the past the more upset I am becoming. She broke so many promises. This will make the next few weeks easier as time goes on. I was explaining the demise of our relationship to my mom yesterday. It was funny to her that we are both so upset at each other for things the other perceives as non-issues. But now we can only move forward. I need to stop thinking about how upset I am with who she has become and start thinking about how happy I will be with the next person I allow into my life. I needed to mature and have now done so. I am now ready for the person I am truly supposed to spend my life with. I just hope she walks into my life soon. I miss her already and I haven't even met her.

[Nappyloxs]

Glad to see you are change your prospective on the breakup. Take each day at a time. You will go through so many emotions. Anger one day and tears the next. Just stay strong.

 

Like you, I ask myself how I feel for her tricks. I was a serial dater before her, I dated beautiful women, some where golddiggers, but I never fell for their games. It sucks knowing I am a shell of my pre-ex. days. But slowly it is coming back and last weekend in Vegas it was back for 3 days.

 

We will get through this just stay strong and focus on yourself. Don't worry about the next chick. Just know that if you did all of that for someone who didn't appreciate it, imagine who great it will be when someone does appreciate it. But first, work on yourself and make yourself better.

[SA2000]

Woke up this morning missing her. Once I fully woke up I started to feel better. It's weird how if we make it to a week without contact O already feel like I am making progress. That I don't need her in my life. And that I'm in no rush to replace her. This is usually where within a day or two she makes contact and brings me back to the beginning. It's like she had some freaky emotional radar. When I start to feel like I'm ok she knows to call or text. Haha.

 

But we have closure this time. So maybe I don't have to worry about that. I am reading he's scared she's scared now. Pretty good read so far. I'm only half way through chapter 1 tho.

[SA2000]

She posted "I hope this gets easier. on her Twitter. If she wants to say something and wants me to see it that is where she posts it. We dont follow eachother but can see each others posts.

 

Good. Maybe she will wake up at some point and say "I can't do this. What will it take to work?" I feel like I am getting back to a place where I wont get jealous or mad anymore. Live and let live. I am feeling really good today.

[oasisrob22]

She posted "I hope this gets easier. on her Twitter. If she wants to say something and wants me to see it that is where she posts it. We dont follow eachother but can see each others posts.

 

Twitter is the absolute devil, dude. It's worse than Facebook, if your ex "tweets" actively. Over the summer, I endured emotional hell through her tweets, whether they were a depressing song lyric, a "OMG the unexpected just happened! #ilovelife", etc. etc. I overanalyzed every darn tweet of hers and had to un-follow her for a brief period of time because it was too much. (We both privately protect our tweets -- you should consider it)

 

Right now, we're not following each other's Twitter. We both agreed we need a few days to recover from the disaster of my drunken blackout rage this past Wednesday night (dunno if you've been reading my threads, but I effed up pretty bad after 3 months of hard, diligent work and progress). And since we update our Twitters so much, we felt like we'd indirectly know what's going on in each other's lives and it cheats the idea of taking some time away from each other.

[SA2000]

Yeah I love Twitter. Almost never post on Facebook. I found out that I am not getting calls and no calls are showing up as missed. I wonder if she's tried to call now. I don't protect my tweets because I have a small biz and I need it for promotion.

 

The ex texted me today asking for my iTunes password. That doesn't count as contact though. I just wish i wouldnt have answered so fast. It's to the point where I'm starting to feel pretty relaxed and indifferent. If she comes back now it's not gonna be as easy as it was before. I'm not sure I'm ready to walk back into that situation. It would take some convincing now.

[SA2000]

Texted the ex just a . So it'd look like an accident. Of course she responds and is now at my house. We are both drunk. I'm going to play it cool and go to sleep.

[Griffey]

How did this come about?

[sadchick83]

You Just texted "." and she came over to your place? Give us the details???

[oasisrob22]

Haha yeah I wanna hear what happened last night!

[SA2000]

Uh.... Yeah. I didn't get to sleep till about 4. She told me the other guy basically treats her like * * * * . I'm not pushing her at all. Just shrugging it off. I told her not to worry about this episode. We can just call it a slip up and keep on the way we were. She can call me in a couple weeks to hang but that I couldn't be with her now.

[SA2000]

Probably set myself back AGAIN but whatever. Now the trick is to not call. Usually when something like this happens I push to work it out.

 

She said she writes me letters every day. She has like 20. She won't ever let me read them though. Probably don't want to anyways. She said her Mom would be upset if she knew she was with me. I think her Mom just wants her to stick to something.

 

I got a text while we were together. I just rolledy eyes and put my phone away. She didn't act jealous at all. She was like "Yeah I got one of those too". It sees like whatever she has with the other dude is running it's course as rebounds do. But I might be wrong. I'm not inturrupting that though.

 

So now I am conflicted. She clearly wanted to see me. I texted "." and she was like "Huh?" then "Let me guess, that was an accident!!1!" Then she called. I was like "Oh yeah my bad". She was like "You should come pick me up". I'm like "For what?" she's like "So I can sleep over."

 

But this isn't what I want. I want a chick with her head on straight. I know this girl could be and was an awesome girl. But we are such a long ways away from things getting to where they need to be. I feel as though I don't have the patience.

[oasisrob22]

Hmm. This is interesting. What's going on with this other guy? You mentioned last night he's treating her like crap?

[SA2000]

Basically she uses him as an emotional crutch. She dates him when we break up but only to fill a void. He is your stereotypical rebound. He's showing his colors now though.

[SA2000]

I guess we will see if this goes anywhere but it's doubtful at this point. She's not gonna put in the work. And I'm not going to hang out with her without something more. I need to disappear for a good few months.

[SA2000]

She just texted me "What do u think when u look at me?" and "Like does it seem weird, do u look at me like a friend now, some hot chick?" I said I dunno. How do you see me. She said she looks at me the same as she always has. I said it wasn't weird and that I saw her the same. She responded with "Ok good". * * * is that all about? Want to make sure she still has me, huh? She likes to run the mind * * * * deep.