Move On or Hold On?

[SA2000]

Ex is tossing crumbs. She sent me a "Hi" text. Didn't respond. I can't keep going through this. I figured she'd text me this weekend. I can't be a part of your life while another dude is. Sorry.

[SA2000]

Got a text saying "I guess we are back to not speaking". I'll respond in a few that I have been busy.

[SA2000]

Or maybe I won't respond. I don't need games in my life. She's seeing someone else. She broke it off to "be alone for a while". I'm sure she won't mind if I don't respond. It's for the best. See life with someone else and tell me it's better. I'll just keep wprking on me.

[SA2000]

This is so tough. I know I need to stand up for myself and say "look, this is what you wanted. We can be friends at some point but we are not there yet. I will call you when I get to that point". But I feel like that gives her too much satisfaction. That shows I still really care and want her back. I want to seem indifferent. As time goes on, I am getting to the point where I actually feel that way. Not texting back has made me much more happy then contact would have.

 

This morning I was thinking that I just want "us" back. That I missed all of the dumb stuff I used to hate like going to the grocery store and talking about dinner. I think this is the point where we really start to heal. We have never gotten here before. Atleast I haven't. I am at a point where I am starting to feel OK with out her but miss the regular every day stuff. I am not even really mad at her anymore. I was always concerned how I would look if I took her back again after she was seeing someone else but it takes a real man to forgive. I feel as though I am actually maturing. Is that really possible? Haha.

 

I got an email from a co-worker who said she was out with a friend last weekend. I saw them at the bar and was introduced to her friend. Apparently this girl just got out of a LTR and is having difficulty easing back into the dating scene. She was cute and apparently was interested in getting to know me a little better as well. Although this is a good opportunity for me to just hang out with someone else and go on a few dates without any expectations, I feel guilty. Not only guilty because I still love my ex and want to work things out with her, but also because I don't want to hurt someone who is already in a great deal of pain still.

 

Obviously I dont know how that situation would play out. Maybe my ex never gets her head out of her ass. Maybe I can never trust her again and I am missing out on an opportunity that I should be persuing. But say the ex comes crying back (which I am not counting on at this point) how would I respond. Now someone else's feelings are involved. This is why when we break up I never involve a third party. And what is to say the ex would be for real this time? If she comes back and I am seeing someone I would have to let that person go. But how could I do that if I think the ex might just be up to her old tricks?

 

Ah, life.

[SA2000]

Ok so apparently this girl is going to call me this week so we can get to know each other. Why am I freaking out? I want to be traveling with the ex. Not getting to know someone new. And this girl can not sound more perfect. Out of a really long term relationship, fun, attractive, works in the same field I work in, open minded about the whole thing, just looking to get to know someone new.

 

It is scaring the * * * * out of me that I might actually start dating someone new.

[SA2000]

Is there a mental disorder where you would rather chase your ex then find someone new? I think I have that.

[SA2000]

I keep thinking that this is all like the movie Inception. Someone put the idea that she could not trust me in her head. Now that idea eats away at her mind. And now there is no stopping it. Over time it is going to just get worse. Once I start dating she is going to think that I have had this person on ice the whole time. I will be the * * * * * * * . But really I never wanted to get here. I tried to tell her exactly what was going on.

 

The sad part is that I know she isn't happy with him. She is probably looking back now on the relationship that this tiny idea destroyed and thinking maybe it didnt have to be like this. I was so patient. I was willing to work through anything. And now she is really going to let me go. She is going to end up with a guy who treats her like * * * * just because she entertained the idea that I might hurt her again in the future. She was so afraid of what might happen that she would not move forward. And now she is going to look back with regret. I hope it was all worth it.

[SA2000]

The more I think about moving on the more I dont want to move on. I feel bad for not texting her back. I feel like I should be making light non chalant convo with her. But I guess she can't miss me if I am there for her weekly text. And it only makes the rest of the week hell. Last week was really rough. The weekend sucked as well. I realized that going out drinking right now is the wrong idea. I need to just take my time and work through this.

 

This is usually the time where I start to break. I start to say screw it I can't move on so I am not going to try anymore. But I can't just throw in the towel and start calling her freaking out. I was upset with myself after making it two weeks only to lose all progress. I cant let that happen again. I remember sitting at home while she was out with her friends thinking I need to just leave this girl alone. That her head was all screwed up and that she needed to straighten out her priorities. Do I really want to go crawling and begging back to that? That would validate all of her actions.

 

So now what? Just ignore everything? How does ignoring someone help them understand that you love them? I hate tough love. Im not cut out for it.

[SA2000]

Now listening to a song that says EXACTLY what I am feeling. Its crazy! Chris Brown.

 

All that bull * * * * 's for the birds

You ain't nothin' but a vulture

Always hopin' for the worst

Waitin' for me to * * * * up

You'll regret the day when I find another girl, yeah

Who knows just what I need, she knows just what I mean

When I tell her keep it drama free

 

I told you that I'm leavin'

I know you mad but so what?

I wish you best of luck

And now I'm gonna to throw them deuces up

 

Used to be valentines

Together all the time

Thought it was true love, but you know women lie

It's like I sent my love with a text two times

Call 'cause I care but I didn't get no reply

Tryna see eye to eye but it's like we're both blind

* * * * it let's hit the club, I rarely sip but pour me some

'Cause when it's all said and done

I ain't gonna be the one that she can always run to

I hate liars, * * * * love I'm tired of tryin'

My hearts big but it beats quiet

 

I don't never feel like we vibin'

'Cause every time we're alone it's a awkward silence

So leave your keys on the kitchen counter

And gimme back that ruby ring with the big diamond

* * * * is over, What are you trippin' for?

I don't wanna have to let you go

But baby I think it's better if I let you know...

[SA2000]

Man, I was having a good day. Then I started to think about her. I am having a hell of a time moving on. This is the hardest I have honestly tried. It's like I keep saying I want to move on and telling myself that that is what I want but really I miss her a ton and want her to break down and call me. I want her to put an end to this madness once and for all. But that isn't happening. There isn't going to be a call where she says she can't live without me.

 

Last time it came out of the blue. One night she said she wanted to try again. She was willing to do everything it took. But in the end those were just words. So why do I want her back?

[SA2000]

Strange conversation with the ex. We texted about Grey's Anatomy for a few minutes. Then she called me. She asked what I was doing and what I've been up to. We talked for like forty minutes. We talked like old times. She was telling me about her plans to open a business. Then she asked me if I wanted to see a movie with her. I told her I'd let her know by tomorrow. She was making flirty comments the whole time and talked about an article she read in cosmo and that it reminded her of me. She said she wished I could come jump in her bed because it's so comfy. I just disregarded all of her comments and kept the convo moving. She asked about something I posted on Twitter. I guess she's still an avid reader. I told her my mom wants to move to SF. She seemed sad and said that she'd never see me. I said ya never know. And that my buddy commutes to and from DC. I can't allow for false hope. I need to continue to move on. I'll try to hang with her just as friends but I know I'm setting myself up for another vicious session of pain. I'll look back and think I asked for it. I'm letting things develop on her schedule though.

[Live-N-Learn]

I wish you the best my friend. I have been keeping up with your story and I really hope this does not end badly for you with months and months of pain. I know how it feels, I have been going through it myself.

[SA2000]

The best part about hanging out with the ex is not addressing any unresolved issues and then wondering why I'm back in 3 months.

[SA2000]

I know I said l wouldn't be here. Blah blah blah. I'll still keep you guys informed.

[charlalynn]

Ok so what should i do help my situation is similar. My gf broke up w me and said lets see if we can get along as friends. She thinks we fight to much. well i told her that i cant just turn my feelings off and the next day look at her in a friend only way so i said give me a few months or so to get to the point where we can be friends. and she got mad saying how dare i throw our three years together in the trash! well i am so weak that i said we will try to be friends and so now we have hung out a few times so far had fun like usual and when i go home i am feeling soo hurt and alone. its so unfair she wants me to hang w her and txt her and be ok w it like nothing happened when the whole time i am wanting more. the only reason i said ok to being friends is only because i am hoping we will get back together! and now day after day we are still getting along fine but seems nothing is changing...

[Live-N-Learn]

I know I said l wouldn't be here. Blah blah blah. I'll still keep you guys informed.

 

LOL, yeah I feel the same way. I will be here with you if I don't cut my ex off soon and go NC! Soooo hard to do!! I guess we just have not hit are threshold of abuse yet!

[LDRohnos]

As entertaining as this thread is...I've slapped myself in the forehead at least 10 times reading it. Other than a minor headache at this point I see absolutely no point of why you guys are torturing yourself over an ex-girlfriend. Was she made of solid gold? Maybe the descendant of Jesus Christ Himself? Seriously, it's actually torturous even reading this...break contact.

[Live-N-Learn]

As entertaining as this thread is...I've slapped myself in the forehead at least 10 times reading it. Other than a minor headache at this point I see absolutely no point of why you guys are torturing yourself over an ex-girlfriend. Was she made of solid gold? Maybe the descendant of Jesus Christ Himself? Seriously, it's actually torturous even reading this...break contact.

 

haha...I'm a sadist when it comes to this girl. But seriously, I am really close to cutting her off! lol

[SA2000]

My ex is really hot. And for years she was perfect. I'll keep my options open at this point and proceed with caution but she is now the one persuing me. I know people can't really change in a month but I'll hang with her then back off again. I realize this isn't going to be one time hanging out and then everything is great between us but hopefully she has had time to clear her head. If she has to work to get me back and sees that there are other people interested she will appreciate me that much more. Before I was always pushing to get back together right away. Now I never initiate contact or talk about our old relationship. If we get to that point in a few months we can address our expectations then. But at this point I'll treat her like any other chick. She's not going to be priority 1 until she shows she's worth it again.

[SA2000]

Charlalynn: I would take like 2 weeks off. Just say you are busy. Don't say what you've got going on. Just say you can't hang out. When the ex calls don't answer or respond for 24 hours. Then when you do respond act like it's no big deal. After that I would go NIC for a while. Let the ex be the one contacting you. Don't push AT ALL, never bring up the relationship, and turn down plans every now and then. Say that day isn't going to work. How about this day? The idea is that the ex might lose you. He'll, for all they know you are seeing someone else.

 

I read Stop Your Divorce by Homer McDonald and got some good ideas. He says to show them all of the things they liked about you (I.e. Confidence, charisma, intellegence, whatever initially attracted them), reassure them that you won't get too close (I do this by not talking relationship talk and pulling back after every time we see each other. I dont show any expectations and act as though I am happy with the current situation. No pushing at all. Shell call again.) then worry them. Worry them that they could lose you. Don't be over the top flirting with other people in front of them but if they ask if you are seeing someone else, just smile and say something along the lines of that's not really important. Always act happy because no one wants to get rid of a partner that is always happy.

 

If my ex starts talking about other guys I just change the subject or act like I don't care. I know they can't replace our history. And since we took a month and a half off and I went NIC she knows that I could easily just continue to focus on moving on. My ex hasn't changed all that much. I know that. If she does things I don't like or acts flakey I won't yell at her. I'll just take my attention away. She won't hear from me for a week or so. Then after about a week I'll wait for her next text. I'll wait another day or 2 and respond in a happy funny way.

 

I make vacation plans with out her too. If I don't see her for a few days, guess who she's missing. And while other guys are trying to get her attention I am just letting her come to me. No stress. You have to make yourself valuable in their eyes. The way to do this is to act as though everything is great and you aren't sure if you want them back. That you have other stuff going on in your life and you don't care what they are doing while they are away. They will start to wonder why you don't care and will start to chase you. But don't give in too easily when they do. Hang out, then back off. Wait until they come looking again and play it cool.

 

And never show signs of jealousy. If they are dating someone else and you can't take it, back off a little more. But when the other person starts to push and get upset that they are hanging with you and you are just happy and non chalant who do you think is more attractive to your ex?

[Griffey]

What if they don't make any efforts to contact you though?

[SA2000]

That's what my plan is currently. I don't know if it'll work but it seems to be starting to have the results I'm looking for. This is the tough part though. The part I usually screw up. We hang out and then I want more. Patience.

 

I have never had an ex not try to contact me at some point. How long has it been? If it's been a few months I would randomly call out of the blue. Say "hey, whats up? Just checking up on ya. How's life? Oh that's cool. Well good to hear from ya. Ttyl." Then leave it at that. See if they bite. I would get their mind on me somehow and then back off and see if they call.

[SA2000]

The way I think off it though is that complete NC will get you over your ex no doubt. And you should have a good few weeks of NC for sure. But exs that I haven't heard from in like 6 months I just tend to forget about. I'll remember them like an old friend but if they aren't around how can we get close again? It's all in timing and Push/Pull. And if you love someone you have to let them go at some point. I am trying to let my ex come back on her terms.

[SA2000]

Now I am second guessing whether I want to go or not. The last week has been quite rough. Although this would normally be the opportunity people look for in the typical "get back with the ex slow and steady" I feel like we are on path to go through the same old * * * * over again. I guess you don't know until you find out but I don't want to set myself up for failure.

 

I keep saying she needs to miss me. Like really miss me. But then a week later when she wants to hang out I tell her OK. Everyone is telling me to do different things. Everyone here says "Go NC and never talk to her ever again ever. She only wants to destroy you", My married buddy says "Go and see what happens. Learn to love from afar if thats what you have to do. Sometimes love takes work and patience. If you love her you will be able to see her, allow her to enjoy spending time with you without all of the pushing and ultimatums", My best female friend says "Thats letting her have her cake and eat it too. Cut her off for a few more months", My mom says "Screw it. She is acting too shady. You should find someone normal", And all of the Get Your Ex Back stuff that is all a scam says "You are EXACTLY in the position you want to be in. Dont blow it!"

 

So basically I have no idea what I should do. Should I go hang out with her?

[SA2000]

Thinking back on our conversation last night. She said she read an article in Cosmo about guys wanting their women to be more fun and do more stuff when the relationship is getting stale and that she read it and thought "Oh, this is what he was talking about!"

 

I need to play it SUPER cool in the next few weeks. I have to treat is as though we are dating. Not like we just got out of a LTR. The reason behind this is that we need to start over. She can date other people as can I. Just like when you first start dating someone. But I have the upper hand of years of good times. Ill do a little pulling for a few months but if she starts acting up I will have other options just like I originally did.