So... no sex is happening, and I don't like it.

[Telanth]

A little introduction. I'm 26, my girlfriend is 25. We've been going out for over four years, and we currently live together.

 

We have sex maybe once every three months. In the last two years, we have had sex exactly seven times (you'd be surprised how easy it is to remember the number when it happens that infrequently).

 

Anyway, this drives me nuts. I constantly mention this to her, only to be rebutted. In the first few months or so of our relationship, things were generally pretty alright when it came to sexual doings. But now, it almost never occurs. And not through lack of effort on my part. Her excuses for this have varied over the years, ranging from being busy with school, to being worried about the result admissions decisions, to not liking the apartment we were in. She has initiated sex exactly once; every other time it was by me. I doubt that it is a problem with me, as my previous two girlfriends liked having sex with me frequently. Just to make sure, I have asked her repeatedly if there's something I'm doing wrong, sexually, or something she'd like me to do differently, or whatever, and she has always stated that there is not.

 

At the moment, she says that the real reasons are because 1. her religious beliefs dictate that it is wrong and 2. she believes that I am going to leave her soon.

 

Putting aside #1 for a moment... it kinda perplexes me that she thinks I'm just gonna sleep with her and then dump her. For one thing, I've been with her for over four years, with minimal sex going on. I don't think any player would have stuck around that long. On the other hand, I can kinda see it. At times, I do feel like I have a foot out the door, so to speak; not through lack of love, but moreso due to a strong aversion toward a life devoid of sex. I'm not the player type, as I'd said... I'm absolutely happy just having sex with one girl for good. But zero girls? No, I can't live with that.

 

The main reason, she says, is her religious beliefs. Now, a couple of things about this strike me as odd. For one thing, I don't perceive any attraction to me. Even if it were being held back, I'd still notice. Another thing is that she refuses to do even small stuff, like making out, which she has no religious objection to and has done with previous boyfriends. She claims that this is because I am "not romantic enough," but when I ask what I might do to fix it, she either says "I don't know," or is silent. This leads me to suspect that she is either not attracted to me, or has no sex drive whatsoever. She swears up and down that that is not the case, but that is how it feels to me. I don't know why, 'cause I'm in good shape, and an attractive fellow, but... whatev, I guess.

 

Anyway, even if she is attracted to me... I respect her religious beliefs, and I don't want to be "that guy," but I am unwilling to live sex-free. It has been very, very tough to do so these past couple years. I mean, it's hard enough to do that as a teenager, but imagine living with an attractive girl and being totally devoid of sexual activity... that's like putting a cake in front of a starving person. I'm not a sex-crazed man by any means - twice a week is more than enough for me - but as an adult with a normal sex drive, this is seriously unpleasant. As much as I respect her beliefs, I can't be happy like this over the long term. That's simply a fact. I'm surprised that I've even held out with this for that long.

 

I have brought this up with her repeatedly over the past couple of years, but she usually says "is that all you ever think about?" or brings up her moral beliefs. When I ask why we never do even smaller things, she says that it is because I am "not romantic enough" or that it is "just weird to do with [me]." Not only am I very undersatisfied physically, but I find this whole thing to be a little emasculating, as well. Particularly when certain explanations such as "it is weird to make out with you" come up, and the whole lack of attraction I'm feeling.

 

She really wants to be married, and often presses me on that point. She claims that if we get married, we can have sex whenever I want. I find myself a bit nervous about this... it makes me feel like I would getting into the trunk of a stranger's car. I worry that that claim may be untrue, and the idea of a lifetime of sexual frustration is, well, quite hellish to me.

 

I am definitely not happy with how things are now. So... what to do? I'd like any recommendations you might have about what to do. I am going to show this topic and the recommendation to her after it gets a few posts, so feel free to address anything you'd like to her as well as me.

 

Thanks, everyone!

[Kingston3]

I really doubt things would change if you got married. I don't know. She's probably not attracted to you. How do any attempts at foreplay work?

[Sparkly Eyes]

Seems like you two are not on the same page. DO NOT marry this woman. Just 7 times sex in the last two years? I would have gone totally crazy.

[Lamour detruit]

Break up with her. Find someone else to be with, that does have the same desires.

 

Only reasonable thing I see.

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone. I wouldn't marry her either. I can understand if it is against her religious beliefs, but then why even have sex with you 7 times? did she at all enjoy it? or like you said - if she isn't showing any sexual desire towards you, like wanting to make out, being affectionate, why would she suddenly do a 180 on your wedding night?

 

i think you've been quite patient and i think it makes sense that you don't want to continue. it does seem like there is a lack of intimacy there. i wonder if she just has a low sex drive and doesn't want to change things. i can't imagine being married to someone who doesn't ever want to have sex. no thanks.

[FathomFear]

Have you considered the possibility that she's either asexual or potentially even a closeted lesbian? By the sounds of it she doesn't give off any indication that she's even heterosexual.

[corrin]

Dude, do not marry her. Don't fall for the "things will be better when we are married" thing. Most people will tell you that if marriage changes your sex life it's for the worst.

 

Seven times in two years at your age is a downright sin.

 

If after two years of trying it hasn't gotten better, I'd leave.

 

Just my opinion though.

[waveseer]

She isn't attracted to you. If you marry her she will have sex with you on your wedding night, but that might be the last time.

[Telanth]

I really doubt things would change if you got married. I don't know. She's probably not attracted to you. How do any attempts at foreplay work?

 

That's what I am figuring. She swears up and down that she is very attracted to me, but I never see it in her actions.

 

Any attempt at foreplay is rebuffed. When I try to initiate something minor, she will either starts doing other things like using her computer, or talking about how she wants to see a certain movie, or whatever (extreme blow to my masculinity, there) or just outright tell me to stop.

 

Seems like you two are not on the same page. DO NOT marry this woman. Just 7 times sex in the last two years? I would have gone totally crazy.

 

I am nearing that point. I'm quite surprised that I have been able to endure this long. It drives me nuts every day. Obviously I like her a lot, but even that can only take you so far.

 

Break up with her. Find someone else to be with, that does have the same desires.

 

Only reasonable thing I see.

 

That has crossed my mind. Obviously, I don't want to have to do that as I like her a lot, and she is also really against that whenever I bring it up, but it seems like it could be the only option if this isn't gonna be fixed.

 

welcome to enotalone. I wouldn't marry her either. I can understand if it is against her religious beliefs, but then why even have sex with you 7 times? did she at all enjoy it? or like you said - if she isn't showing any sexual desire towards you, like wanting to make out, being affectionate, why would she suddenly do a 180 on your wedding night?

 

i think you've been quite patient and i think it makes sense that you don't want to continue. it does seem like there is a lack of intimacy there. i wonder if she just has a low sex drive and doesn't want to change things. i can't imagine being married to someone who doesn't ever want to have sex. no thanks.

 

Thank you very much for the kind welcome.

 

And yes, that's another thing that bugs me - even on the rare occasions where we had sex, she didn't seem to be into it at all. This makes it very unappealing to me. I suspect that she may indeed have a low sex drive.

 

She claims that since it is a religious objection to sex, once we are married it will no longer be a concern. She's always telling me I should marry her. But it seems like a hell of a large step to marry someone just 'cause she MIGHT hold up her end of the bargain. In fact, it kinda sickens me to be viewing sex as part of a "bargain." It should be something that both partners want, not something that one has to haggle for as he would a business transaction.

 

I don't want to end it - I love her, after all - but I also can't go on like this, so it seems like I'm being put into a position where I haven't any other choice.

 

Have you considered the possibility that she's either asexual or potentially even a closeted lesbian? By the sounds of it she doesn't give off any indication that she's even heterosexual.

 

I doubt that she is a lesbian. She is obviously attracting to dating guys, but she may be asexual in the sense that she might lack any sex drive. She claims that that is not the case, though. I think it might have something to do with me, as she won't even make out with me, whereas she would with her previous boyfriends and has stated that she has no religious objection to it.

[d24]

this reminds me a lot of my budgie... no seriously hear me out... haha

 

initially he didn't have a friend because we wanted to teach him to talk (30 word vocab now!), and his favourite thing was to sit next to his mirror and merrily chirp along to his reflection. Sometimes I think that's cute, but sometimes it's kind of heart-breaking.

He sits there regurgitating food (which is a sign of 'love' for budgies) onto his reflection in the mirror, and I presume he thinks he's getting it back from his reflection.... but it's obviously a one sided relationship... he's never going to get anything back from this relationship. Kind of like you.

(we since got him a friend and he still prefers his reflection lol)

 

 

You can go on and on about how much you love her, how attracted you are to her, etc etc... but until she decides she wants to do something about this nothing will change and you're just going to be there chirping along beside her, quietly filling with frustration over what is essentially a 'need' in relationship (or even more so ; the need to feel that you're wanted).

 

I would never in a million years consider marrying her, because she'll have you even more over a barrel than she does now, and I completely understand and agree with the analogy of getting into a stranger's trunk.

 

I think this relationship ran its course 2 years ago and sadly you're clinging to memories....but unfortunately they are just that. She's made no indication or effort to change, and I feel really sorry for you on one level... but wait there is hope... you'll not believe how amazing a real healthy relationship feels having wasted so much of your love on a one-sided affair, and I'm kind of excited for you...

 

Good luck, breaking up is never easy - stay firm in your resolve and go NC if you need to. Please keep us posted on how you're doing.

[Telanth]

Dude, do not marry her. Don't fall for the "things will be better when we are married" thing. Most people will tell you that if marriage changes your sex life it's for the worst.

 

Seven times in two years at your age is a downright sin.

 

If after two years of trying it hasn't gotten better, I'd leave.

 

I know, it's sick. I mean, this is my prime, right? When I'm twice this age, it might not even work anymore for all I know. And the lack of physical stuff, it's really grating on me.

 

And I definitely agree with you on the marriage point.

 

this reminds me a lot of my budgie... no seriously hear me out... haha

 

initially he didn't have a friend because we wanted to teach him to talk (30 word vocab now!), and his favourite thing was to sit next to his mirror and merrily chirp along to his reflection. Sometimes I think that's cute, but sometimes it's kind of heart-breaking.

He sits there regurgitating food (which is a sign of 'love' for budgies) onto his reflection in the mirror, and I presume he thinks he's getting it back from his reflection.... but it's obviously a one sided relationship... he's never going to get anything back from this relationship. Kind of like you.

(we since got him a friend and he still prefers his reflection lol)

 

 

You can go on and on about how much you love her, how attracted you are to her, etc etc... but until she decides she wants to do something about this nothing will change and you're just going to be there chirping along beside her, quietly filling with frustration over what is essentially a 'need' in relationship (or even more so ; the need to feel that you're wanted).

 

I would never in a million years consider marrying her, because she'll have you even more over a barrel than she does now, and I completely understand and agree with the analogy of getting into a stranger's trunk.

 

I think this relationship ran its course 2 years ago and sadly you're clinging to memories....but unfortunately they are just that. She's made no indication or effort to change, and I feel really sorry for you on one level... but wait there is hope... you'll not believe how amazing a real healthy relationship feels having wasted so much of your love on a one-sided affair, and I'm kind of excited for you...

 

Good luck, breaking up is never easy - stay firm in your resolve and go NC if you need to. Please keep us posted on how you're doing.

 

I like that analogy quite a bit. And thanks for agreeing with my own analogy.

 

That's pretty mch how I feel. It seems like most people here are of the opinion that this just isn't gonna work. I obviously like her quite a bit, as I've been with her for several years, so it hurts to come to that conclusion, but this is just something I can't really just live without. It drives me nuts, and has gotten to the point where it is significantly hurting my self-esteem. I feel quite unappealing and unwanted.

[Fudgie]

Sounds like she isn't willing to change or anything. You should not feel like you should stuck with her if your needs aren't being met. I'll bet you that nothing will change if you get married. The only thing that will change is that you'll have wedding bands.

 

You need to find someone who enjoys sex and wants to have it about as much as you do. You can't force someone to have sex when they don't want it nor make them "tone down" it when they want to have lots of it.

 

I myself rarely have sex. So does my boyfriend. And we're happy. I wouldn't date someone like yourself who wants it more often because I know that I wouldn't be happy because I don't want sex that often, likewise, you shouldn't date someone like your girlfriend who doesn't want it much at all. She needs to find someone who matches her and you need to find someone who matches you.

 

find someone who matches your libido.

[Telanth]

It's kinda funny, because I really don't even have a high sex drive. Twice a week is plenty. In my other relationships, I was usually the limiting partner. But when you're not getting it at all, actually being denied it, you find yourself suddenly wanting it more. It's like going on a diet or something; once you can't have it / aren't getting it, you suddenly want cake, ice cream, that stuff.

 

But yes, I agree with your comment.

[Fudgie]

See, that's the thing...2x a week sounds like a lot to me. But for others, that's "too little".

There's a whole range of people who want it everyday to those who NEVER want it.

 

I'm sorry to hear that she's not meeting your needs but it doesn't sound like she will change herself. You should not be feeling deprived in a relationship. That's a sign that something needs to change.

[Telanth]

I'm gonna show this thread to her soon... anyone have any other commentary, for me or even for her?

[annie24]

If you two did marry, would she have sex with you 1-2 per week and would she be *enthusiastic* about it? like it's something she wants to do too, not just something she is doing to please you? because it's no fun to have sex with someone who doesn't want to be doing it.

 

maybe you two just have mismatched libidos? neither person is right or wrong, but you two just might not be the right match.

[greywolf]

If it was really about religious beliefs then I don't understand why she accepted a live-in situation with you.

[Fudgie]

I'd encourage her to see that sex is a NEED for you. It's not some dirty hobby that you can have if you want, it's a natural human activity that we crave.

 

She either needs make an effort towards satisfying your needs or this relationship is going to either fail. Period.

[sherryberrypie]

She's being selfish. She's letting every other little thing take priority. Sex IS important, and without a healthy sex life, it's just a friendship. She's had four years to change, and she hasn't. I kind of have to conclude that you're just not compatible. I think you should move on. Definitely don't get married.

[annie24]

If it was really about religious beliefs then I don't understand why she accepted a live-in situation with you.

 

 

yeah, me neither.

[Telanth]

If it was really about religious beliefs then I don't understand why she accepted a live-in situation with you.

 

I've actually argued with her about this a bunch of times, noting that there are other aspects of Catholic theology that she does not adhere to. She either rebuts this by noting that "no one is perfect, and just because I cannot follow one does not mean I should not follow another," or citing a reason that she had to violate a specific rule in a specific instance.

 

I once jokingly said to her that I was going to convert to Judaism and then refuse to do housework on Saturdays, but not follow any of the other Jewish customs... I'd just be Jewish for the parts that got me out of doing stuff. Hehe.

 

It technically isn't a sin to live with your boyfriend, even though most church officials frown on it, so she isn't being inconsistent with that part itself. I have had my suspicions that her claims of moral objections are simply to hide her lack of sexual desire, though she denies this. I suppose that it doesn't make a difference, though; even if she is being truthful about that, I'm still unhappy.

 

If you two did marry, would she have sex with you 1-2 per week and would she be *enthusiastic* about it? like it's something she wants to do too, not just something she is doing to please you? because it's no fun to have sex with someone who doesn't want to be doing it.

 

maybe you two just have mismatched libidos? neither person is right or wrong, but you two just might not be the right match.

 

I doubt it. The few times we have had sex, she's a dead fish type, and it drives me crazy because that makes it very hard to stay interested. She is definitely the poorest sexual partner I've had, by a wide margin. Now, I would have no problem with this at all; she's inexperienced, and anyone who is inexperienced isn't really gonna know the ropes. But since she doesn't want to do anything, I can't really show her how to be better at it, you know?

 

I imagine that it'd stay that way, too... so even if sex started occurring, it probably wouldn't be very good.

 

The thing is, that I sense no sexual desire from her. She denies that this is the case. But back when I was a teenager, I dated people who didn't want to do that sort of thing for religious reasons, and it was very obvious that they wanted to, even if they couldn't. With her, it's like she is devoid of any desire for me. It makes me disgusted with her and myself.

 

She's being selfish. She's letting every other little thing take priority. Sex IS important, and without a healthy sex life, it's just a friendship. She's had four years to change, and she hasn't. I kind of have to conclude that you're just not compatible. I think you should move on. Definitely don't get married.

 

I agree. It's stupid to stay in a relationship where you're unhappy.

 

I suggested to her today that this is a fatal flaw in our relationship, and it is therefore not going to work, but she repeatedly claimed that we could "fix it" without going into any detail. I find myself agreeing with everyone here, though... we've had years to fix it, and if I'm not happy like this, it's not gonna get any better.

[annie24]

The thing is, that I sense no sexual desire from her. She denies that this is the case. But back when I was a teenager, I dated people who didn't want to do that sort of thing for religious reasons, and it was very obvious that they wanted to, even if they couldn't. With her, it's like she is devoid of any desire for me. It makes me disgusted with her and myself.

 

I agree with you. If she is inexperienced and willing to learn, you could show her the ropes, so to speak... there are also all sorts of instructional books and DVDs out there.

 

If this is a fundamental incompatibility in libidos, probably better to end things sooner rather than later. If things are like this now, how would they be 5 or 10 years into the marriage, when sex drops off even more.

[sfindependent]

how did things go?

 

curious about it myself how it went.

[Gilroy]

I have brought this up with her repeatedly over the past couple of years, but she usually says "is that all you ever think about?" or brings up her moral beliefs. When I ask why we never do even smaller things, she says that it is because I am "not romantic enough" or that it is "just weird to do with [me]."

 

Those 2 sentences would be enough for me to break-up with her (if I were you).

 

And like greywolf mentioned it is "surprising" how she lives with you but does not want to have sex with you because of religious beliefs. Some people that say that they will not have sex until marriage due to religious beliefs tend to follow only certain elements of their religion.. things that are advantageous to them.

 

Right now your girlfriend has found a cow (you) that she can get milk from but does not have to pay. She is getting her needs met and is comfortable with this arrangement. The opposite of this would be you two having sex and you not willing to give her commitment.

 

She is playing you big time. That's all I can say.

[red_sky_girl]

wired...i respect religion thing...but its so wired if it was for her religion she wouldnt had sex with u even one time , so she would have been virgin too..find out what her real problem is...not only by asking her...if she had some problems like she want to make u happy but she feels asexual then she would work with u to solve this problem....if not then better move on with your life...