I want to get married, he doesn't...Do we break up?

[odile]

I would tell him but not as an ultimatum - just simply tell him without anger or resentment that you respect his feelings but that you also have to look out for your own best interests and those of your children. So, it's probably best to not do things involving the children while he still feels ambivalent and my guess is that restriction will also mean less time for the two of you to be around each other.

 

Batya33, your advice seems solid, but to my mind would be more fitting if it were the earlier stages of involvement.

At this point, their families are already quite close.

 

Maybe ease things up a bit, but you know, keep things as "normal" as possible.

[FathomFear]

I'm willing to compromise but I KNOW that I don't want to wait another 3 or 4 years to start my life with someone that will be my partner in life. I have many things to share with someone and I'm ready to start sharing.

 

Can you elaborate exactly what you mean by this? You said you've been dating for years and your children get along like brothers and sisters. It sounds like your lives are already very intertwined. At this point a marriage certificate is just going to be that--a certificate. You're likely far more "married" now than many couples out there are really "married". I'm just not sure what exactly you haven't shared yet.

[waveseer]

Many divorced people become commitment phobic. What you really should ask him is what will it take for him to move forward with confidence? Which criteria or emotion is lacking for him? How can you reassure him that he is the last man you ever intend to marry? And let him know that it's unfair for you to be judged by his past relationships. If he truly wants to keep you, have you, and hold you indefinitely he can seek counseling to help him through his fears. Offer to go with him.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Separated in 2007...divorced in 2008. I can understand that midway through 2010, a mere 2 years after the divorce, he is not ready to throw himself into marriage again. It sounds like the two of you started going out soon after your divorce was finalized. Are each of you the first people that you dated post divorce? How did you two end up meeting? Is this a case of two people with children not wanting to go it alone and therefore latching on to the next person who comes their way? There are lots of people, who immediately post divorce, start a relationship with the next person who comes their way in order to be in a relationship. That doesn't mean they want to get married. If one person doesn't want to get married and the other person does, the couple is at a crossroads. However the fact that you have been together not yet 2 years and the divorce is only 2 years old suggests to me that he is not ready because it is way too soon for him.

[floridagirlal]

Can you elaborate exactly what you mean by this? You said you've been dating for years and your children get along like brothers and sisters. It sounds like your lives are already very intertwined. At this point a marriage certificate is just going to be that--a certificate. You're likely far more "married" now than many couples out there are really "married". I'm just not sure what exactly you haven't shared yet.

 

To elaborate, I want to live with him and have a partnership where we discuss things we want to work for together, make plans for the future, etc. I want to be a wife to him! I want for us to take care of each other like a husband and wife should do. There are plenty of things that are missing from a dating relationship. Surely, that's evident. There are just many things that you can't get from a relationship when you live separately.

[floridagirlal]

So, he has texted me and emailed me repeatedly this morning and I haven't responded at all. I finally turned my phone off so I don't have to see it anymore. I don't feel like I can talk to him yet without crying. I haven't let him see me cry about it and I don't want to start now. Plus, I'm at work and that doesnt appear very professional.

 

We kind of left our conversation unfinished last night because we were both tired so we got off the phone. He asked if we could talk today after work. If history proves right, we won't discuss it unless I bring it up but then I look like the nag that never quits asking for an answer.

 

UGH.

[odile]

So, he has texted me and emailed me repeatedly this morning and I haven't responded at all. I finally turned my phone off so I don't have to see it anymore. I don't feel like I can talk to him yet without crying. I haven't let him see me cry about it and I don't want to start now. Plus, I'm at work and that doesnt appear very professional.

 

We kind of left our conversation unfinished last night because we were both tired so we got off the phone. He asked if we could talk today after work. If history proves right, we won't discuss it unless I bring it up but then I look like the nag that never quits asking for an answer.

 

UGH.

 

Calm down.

He proposed that you talk after work, so try to see that as proof of his intention to continue the discussion.

You don't want to create more friction than there is already, so don't start assuming that he won't discuss things, or that you will look like a nag or what have you. If you assume the worst, you'll bring out the worst.

 

Just send him a quick email reply that says,

"Hi, I've gotten your messages, but am very busy at work, and can't talk right now.

Let's continue our conversation after work, as planned. I'm looking forward to speaking with you tonight."

[lavenderdove]

I can understand not wanting to rush from one marriage to the next, BUT at the same time, if he isn't sure, how does he know that 3 or 4 or 6 years will make him surer? The fact that he puts the date so far in future makes me think he is squeamish about marrying again in general at this point in time.

 

I would agree that i would tell him i was willing to wait another year, but at that point you either got engaged or made the decision you weren't right for each other. After 3 years, you should know,, unless you are very young in your teens or early 20s.

 

Also, it is unwise to blend your families so tightly when you don't know if you're going to stay together. Children get involved, and it will be another hard divorce like experience to break them up again. I would have the kids spend less time with the other children and your boyfriend until he is really ready to commit and you know he'll be around. If they don't spend all their free time together, it won't be so hard to break it off if you don't marry.

[DN]

I hope that you don't feel that he is somehow cheating you out of a marriage because he does not want to get married. That may have been the norm some years ago but it really isn't any longer - many people maintain good relationships without marrying. This isn't him being unfair, it is about two differing and equally valid viewpoints.

[savignon]

Did you start seeing each other right after both of your divorces? Perhaps he feels he jumped from one relationship to the next and the prospect of another marriage isn't as appealing as it to you at the moment. It does seem like you have a great relationship and might be worth waiting a little longer for. After all, it's better he enjoy the joy and excitement of his next marriage, rather than feel pressured or non-enthusiastic about it.

[floridagirlal]

I wanted to give y'all an update since you were so helpful to me. I went to his house after work and the first thing he adamently told me was that we WERE NOT breaking up. He said that he was not willing to lose me and we would work on something that would make both of us happy. He began asking questions like, "Where should we add on to his house to accommodate everyone?, "How will we bank, together or separately?", "How will we get the kids to school?", etc..... Basically, he was actually showing me that he wants to work with me to make me comfortable that he is in this relationship for the same reasons that I am. At least, that's how I see it.

 

I absolutely love this man. I love that he is considerate of my feelings and willing to compromise with me. What else can I ask for?

[metrogirl]

I told you! I hope everything continues to work out for you. You two seem really very happy together.

[lavenderdove]

Excellent! Glad to hear he is willing to negotiate with you... that is a good skill to keep every relationship healthy, whether you're married or not...

[savignon]

Yeaaa!! How wonderful to hear a happy turn of events!! Enjoy!!