is giving scones to male neighbour ''inappropriate''?

[charity]

was pondering on this all day.....

 

i am a single woman with 2 children. recently i moved to a new neighbourhood. most of the neighbours there are not really friendly and just keep to themselves but i introduced myself to my nextdoor neighbours and luckily they are very nice people. they are a couple about my age and with a young baby. we have only talked a handful of times so i dont know them very well at all but they seem like nice people. the guy even fixed my car door when it needed oiling.

 

so last week the woman told me she was going back to her home country for vacation for 2 months but her husband/boyfriend(i'm not sure) IS NOT accomanying her as he had to work.

 

so today, i was baking scones for myself and the kids and of course there were lots leftover so i thought 'hey i'll drop some in to the guy seeing as his wife is away he'll probably appreciate a few scones.

 

but then i stopped and thought 'is that appropriate', what will that look like? and when/if he mentions it to her will she feel like i'm trying to pounce on her man while she's away......hmmmm. i mentioned it to my friend who said it would def be taken up the wrong way. for the record i don't fancy this guy at all, i really like his wife to talk to, and i am the last person in the world to hone in on a family man.

 

so i decided NOT to. but it made me think. you know, all theses boundaries and rules. is there such a lack of trust and simplicity in the world AND IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS that a simple gesture could be seen as being 'inappropriate'? if so isn't that really sad? wouldnt it be lovely if he could say to her'' hey, charity next door dropped in some scones! and she would say 'ah that was nice of her.' FULL STOP. END OF STORY. and hey maybe she WOULD say that,! maybe i am overthinking this and being negative about how she would react.

 

well i'll never find out but was just wondering what you guys think? - nice friendly gesture or single woman next door should know that you just 'don't do that!'

[savignon]

Why not make the kind gesture and also ask about his wife (Is she having a nice trip? How's the baby?) or whatever to make it clear it's not a "play". I agree that some people take those gesutres the wrong way but not everyone is like that. I'm sure she didn't question him fixing your door. I'd make the gesture and mention the wife in casual conversation just to alieve any worry about it being taken the wrong way.

By the way...scones! Yumm!! What kind did you make?

[guynextdoor]

My neighbor brought over some birthday cake for me as a friendly gesture. She is a single mother and I'm a single father. I didn't take it as inappropriate. I say go for it. I'm sure he would appreciate the friendly gesture.

[charity]

My neighbor brought over some birthday cake for me as a friendly gesture. She is a single mother and I'm a single father. I didn't take it as inappropriate. I say go for it. I'm sure he would appreciate the friendly gesture.

 

 

ha ha i'm sure he would too, its his WIFE'S perception of it that i was worried about!!

[BriarRose]

My neighbor brought over some birthday cake for me as a friendly gesture. She is a single mother and I'm a single father. I didn't take it as inappropriate. I say go for it. I'm sure he would appreciate the friendly gesture.

 

 

But he is not single. Yes, I think it would have been inappropriate to bring a man baked goods with his wife out of town.

[guynextdoor]

Single or not the OP is bringing over scones, she's not coming over there in a see threw babydoll serving scones to him.

[BriarRose]

Single or not the OP is bringing over scones, she's not coming over there in a see threw babydoll serving scones to him.

 

 

It's inappropriate. If you were married, I'm sure your wife would agree.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I too think it could cause raised eyebrows. I think the safer bet would be to wait until the wife comes back and then bring over scones as a welcome back/thank you for oiling the car door gesture.

[guynextdoor]

If the wife has a problem with a friendly gesture then she has insecurity issues. So what should the OP do? Bring her kid along with her to give him scones? Maybe have her kid give him the goods? C'mon now does it really matter if its the OP or her kid? End result is still a friendly gesture.

[charity]

But he is not single. Yes, I think it would have been inappropriate to bring a man baked goods with his wife out of town.[/quote

 

 

as i know that my gesture would be completely innocent and friendly therefore i KNOW that it is not inappropriate, but i can see that coming from the wifes angle it may seem so. do i live my life by my own standards? or do i live my life by people unnecessary worries/ fears. well out of consideration for her, i chose not to, just feel like i'm being cheated out of being 'myself' you know?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If the wife has a problem with a friendly gesture then she has insecurity issues. So what should the OP do? Bring her kid along with her to give him scones? Maybe have her kid give him the goods? C'mon now does it really matter if its the OP or her kid? End result is still a friendly gesture.

 

Sometimes you also have to take into consideration appearances. The wife is away and unable to see the context. There are plenty of people who have made moves on someone else's partner when the partner has been away. Lots of cheating scenarios have started off with situations that seemed innocent enough. I don't think it is a question of insecurity...I think it would be a natural reaction to have uncertainty as to why scones were brought over only after the wife was gone. To avoid discomfort amongst neighbours I think the scones idea can be postponed to a time when the wife is home. The guy can presumably fend for himself...he doesn't need the scones or else he will go hungry.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

But he is not single. Yes, I think it would have been inappropriate to bring a man baked goods with his wife out of town.[/quote

 

 

as i know that my gesture would be completely innocent and friendly therefore i KNOW that it is not inappropriate, but i can see that coming from the wifes angle it may seem so. do i live my life by my own standards? or do i live my life by people unnecessary worries/ fears. well out of consideration for her, i chose not to, just feel like i'm being cheated out of being 'myself' you know?

 

You are not being cheated out of being yourself...you can simply postpone the nice gesture and have her enjoy the scones as well.

[avman]

so i decided NOT to. but it made me think. you know, all theses boundaries and rules. is there such a lack of trust and simplicity in the world AND IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS that a simple gesture could be seen as being 'inappropriate'? if so isn't that really sad? wouldnt it be lovely if he could say to her'' hey, charity next door dropped in some scones! and she would say 'ah that was nice of her.' FULL STOP. END OF STORY. and hey maybe she WOULD say that,! maybe i am overthinking this and being negative about how she would react.

 

See I'm in agreement with this. You are new to the neighborhood and are trying to do something nice for somebody else. I really don't see what the harm is in just making some nice scones and bringing them over. Just tell him next time he talks to his wife to please say hello for you and tell her you'll make another batch of scones for them both to enjoy. Then she won't feel left out.

[LostLeo42]

My BF and I do not live together. His neighbor is a single mother. She brings him food and asks him to come over to do favors sometimes. He will tell me I went over so and so's today to see her new dog or whatever. It doesn't bother me one bit. I do not get jealous over this. I know my BF would never cheat. I'm glad he is friendly with his neighbor.

[charity]

 

You are not being cheated out of being yourself...you can simply postpone the nice gesture and have her enjoy the scones as well.

 

 

 

True. and i will do that for sure!

 

i was in a very insecure relationship for a long time and i can tell you honestly that if i was the wife , well i would have been thinking fairly suspiciously. but thats because I WAS SO INSECURE OF MY RELATIONSHIP AND MYSELF AT THAT TIME. ITS FUNNY NOW TO BE ON THE OTHER SIDE AND SEE THE INNOCENCE AND GENUINENESS OF SO MANY SCERARIOS.

 

I'VE COME ALONG WAY NOW AND REALLY HOPE THAT I WOULD GIVE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT IN THE FUTURE IF I WAS THE WIFE IN THIS SITUATION.

 

(sorry about the caps, just realized!)

[charity]

thats a really good idea aveman. consider it done!!

[daffodil444]

pure friendly gesture i'd perceive it as. reminds me of when i was a kid and my parents were friends with a neighbor couple. when my mom was out, the wife in the other couple would occasionally stop by with something like that or vice versa with my mom and the husband. nothing wrong at all, just being friendly neighbors. but of course people have their insecurities. i like the idea someone posted of asking your neighbor how his wife is enjoying her trip and everything. sad isn't it that we've gotten to the point that people have to worry about how their friendly, neighborly gestures might be perceived.

[alli]

I'm kind of in the same situation as this guy's wife. I travel a lot for work & am out of town frequently. My husband & I are friends with the neighbors, who are also married & close to our age. For a while it seemed like they always invited my husband over when I was out of town but not so much when I'm here, & always sending him home with leftovers or a loaf of banana bread or something. Usually the wife giving him food.

 

I'm really not worried that she likes him like that or anything. But it does kind of annoy me how involved she tries to be.

 

I think doing it once is fine, but if you are like giving him food every time his wife is gone that will start to reflect poorly on you.

[RedDress]

I only think it's questionnable because you haven't established a history of bringing food over, yet.

 

If I were the wife and you had brought food over for both of us in the past and then proceeded to bring food over for my husband while I was away... no problemo... it's just the way you are.

 

If I were the wife and you busted out the scones only when I was on vacation? Yeah. Ick.

 

Establish a history (ie: let them BOTH get to know you for who you are) first. Once they know you, it's not a problem.

 

I don't think it's about "not being you". I think it's about putting the best foot forward before you let it all out. THEN they know what to expect.

 

If you had already had that history...? I don't think it would be an issue. At that point, bake away. Hehe...

[marshmlofluff]

thats a really good idea aveman. consider it done!!

 

It was a good suggestion! I'd go with it.

 

Here's another variant I thought of (but I like avman's better): You could take the scones over even if his wife was away but put a little card on them addressed to the two of them, or maybe include a little something non-perishable for her, too.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I would think it's actually nicer that you bring them when the wife is not around. You know, in case he doesn't cook and need some treats, lol. I wouldn't think bad of it really. You can also make something again when his wife is there.

[msDazed_N_Confused]

I was talking to my neighbour two weeks ago when i ran into him in the supermarket, and he told me his wife was out of town. He was looking at instant meals so i said, well i;ll make pasta, shall i buy some more. So he came to eat with me.

In the weekend his wife came to me at the door with a bunch of flowers...a thank you for saving her hubby from starving and asking the recipe as he had said it was nice.

 

If you have good intentions, than i don't see any harm.

[abitbroken]

You are a friendly neighbor. If it eases your mind, make some for your OTHER neighbor too and give them to both. But I see nothing wrong with you offering him some baked goods. Just be sure to do something else again when the wife/girlfriend returns as well down the road. People are so afraid that they'll be misconstrued and that's why I think not all neighbors are close anymore. Go for it. Your intentions are totally honorable.

[Unreasonable]

C'mon, everybody knows "bringing over some scones" really is a euphemism for "trying to jump his bones."

 

Just kidding, but in all seriousness, you really don't know how the wife is going to perceive it, you value your friendship, and you are probably going to have to deal with them for a long time.

 

If you haven't brought them anything before, it could like you were paying a "special visit."

 

So, while I agree it would be nice if everyone could see everything at face value, I think you made the prudent choice.