Passive aggressiveness

[Applewhite]

Well, the truth is that her father has badly affected her and her boyfriend should be aware of that because there are other issues that will come up associated with that trauma in the future. That needs to be a part of this discussion at some point.

 

Most couples I know tease each other in some way and he needs to know why he should not.

 

Don't worry he is well aware of my issues with my father and family in general. I also mentioned how my father used to do this to my mother in the last (unsuccessful) talk, and that it was unacceptable to me. No need to mention it again I think. It would be overkill.

[penelope13]

Maybe you have already answered it and I missed it: why didn't you just pick up the bottles after he teased you a few times about it?

 

About teasing in relationships: I don't know anyone who doesn't tease their partner from time to time and I can imagine it can be difficult to cut it out completely. I guess you have to give him very specific scenarios when you think it's appropriate and when it isn't.

 

If I understand you correctly, you are upset because he didn't tell you immediately and directly that he is bothered by the bottles, but that he took some time (and unfortunate method) to bring it up. - On the other hand, you are bothered by the dog crap and haven't brought it up at all. Thus both of you use very different methods to deal with things that you are unhappy with. Neither one is better or worse than the other IMHO.

 

It's also quite normal that sometimes things build up over time and what you initially thought is not a problem, slowly develops into one for you, thus people can change their minds about things.

[Applewhite]

Well as much as I am sensitive I am not a time bomb that I take every joke seriously. At first I thought they were jokes - and just that. He wasn't being serious about it - so why should I? I didn't know it was a problem because he didn't tell me it was a problem. He just joked. And honestly there weren't all that many bottles and some were HIS! So I never made anything of it. Until he made the comment in front of his family. Then I realized how frequently he was 'joking' and also remembered that he would 'joke' also when there were no bottles. I made sure there was no bottles after the family incident. And he STILL 'joked' which made me more angry during the talk, even though I had taken a few days to cool off.

[Siriana]

Why do you think you should be embarrassed over leaving plastic bottles all over the place from time to time? Why do you think his family will judge you on something as small as that?

[Applewhite]

It's not that I am worried that they will judge me. It is the idea that he feels the need to put me down and complain to them. And after I said I pick them up, he said no you don't. I pick them up for you. So it gave them an image of us bickering. I would rather have him as a protector and a united front against anyone that is outside of out 'family unit' as I consider it. Instead I feel like I am by myself and he will bicker to anyone about the slightest thing that bothers him - which is exactly what he did.

[Applewhite]

I am very sensitive about being teased about my character or bad habits in front of your family or other people. Remember you have known them for years but I am still trying to fit in and it was embarrassing even if you didn't mean it to be unkind. And if you would just tell me about any problems you have with me instead of teasing I will be glad to talk them through. Please do not tease me again whether alone or in public. I do not mean to discourage you from joking around with me, and I will try to not get offended but please know that if it is indeed just a joke it will not be taken seriously because I will assume for any future serious issues you will not chose this method of communication.

 

Does anyone have any objections to this?

[DN]

Looks good to me.

[penelope13]

Sounds ok.

 

However be prepared that he might not be able to immediately and 100% follow through with not using teasing as a means to communicate if he is bothered about something. It might need some time for him to adjust, which is fair enough.

[Applewhite]

Sounds ok.

 

However be prepared that he might not be able to immediately and 100% follow through with not using teasing as a means to communicate if he is bothered about something. It might need some time for him to adjust, which is fair enough.

 

What if on those occasions I respond with a calm: That is not funny as a joke, and I doubt you meant it seriously because we have already agreed that you would not joke about serious issues.

[penelope13]

I would rephrase:

 

"this is not funny to me. Are you being serious? I have asked you not to joke about serious issues"

 

Reasoning

a) there is no global 'rule' what is deemed funny and what not, so you can only say it's not funny to you

b) asking him what he meant gives him the chance to express himself more precisely without you putting thoughts/intentions into his mouth which could annoy him (it seriously annoys me when people tell me what I think/ feel without giving me the chance to express myself, since it shows that they have preconceived ideas and are not open to truly hear me)

c) you do not have an agreement yet. this is what you ultimately want, but he might have different ideas. You can't just make agreements without considering his point of view, but you can ask him to consider your opinion/ feelings

[mfan]

What if on those occasions I respond with a calm: That is not funny as a joke, and I doubt you meant it seriously because we have already agreed that you would not joke about serious issues.

 

That's excellent, in my opinion.

[mfan]

I like Penelope's a lot also.

[Ms Darcy]

It'I would rather have him as a protector and a united front against anyone that is outside of out 'family unit' as I consider it. Instead I feel like I am by myself and he will bicker to anyone about the slightest thing that bothers him - which is exactly what he did.

 

Wanting a protector ... hmm ... sounds like he's supposed to be responsible for protecting your feelings. Also sounds like 'daddy.'

 

I think Scott's post about his ex-wife is just so spot on in this situation. And it's interesting to hear it from his perspective. I wonder if your bf feels like he really is in no-win situations with you.

 

How much say does the guy get in this? I have a male friend who would end a relationship if his gf said he couldn't tease her.

[Applewhite]

I would like to thank mfan, DN and penelope13 because this situation is resolved. Thank you all and anyone else I may have forgotten. He understands and excepts.

 

And he very much agreed with the united front argument because that is the kind of guy he is, so I would like to raise an eyebrow as Ms Darcy. I am sorry that your male friend is that way, and lucky that my boyfriend is not. If you have read the whole thread however, you would realize that this isn't just about teasing. Nor have I restricted him from joking with me. .

 

Also protecting each other because we are a family unit does not imply that he sounds like a 'daddy', as you put it. I am truly sorry if you haven't fully experienced this since your father in a fulfilling lasting loving relationship. But this is what a family is about.

 

Also before I began speaking I said let me try to say this differently. And when I ended I said this was all I wanted to say the last time we spoke. He said this was way better and I said well, I got it from my 'enotalone' crap. He apologized and said he thought I came here to steam up and get angrier and everyone was saying what a *******! and getting me angry. I said if anything they helped me tone down WAY more than how I wanted to phrase things.

[mfan]

I would like to thank mfan, DN and penelope13 because this situation is resolved. Thank you all and anyone else I may have forgotten. He understands and excepts.

That's awesome. I am glad that you successfully worked this out with him.

[DN]

Cool - I am glad it worked well for you. And well done for taking what advice you felt was useful to you from various people and adapting and blending it so it worked for you rather than just being defensive and getting stuck in one position. That is the essence of asking for help - using it as a tool to accomplish what you want.

[penelope13]

Well done! Hope next time around it will be easier to discuss (and hear) when one of you has an issue.

[Applewhite]

I really hope so. I hope I can keep learning and using this technique in other conversations as well. Hopefully I can learn it just by reading etc like mfan did.

[DN]

You pulled it off really well this time and can do it again by using this technique. I hope he follows suit because being able to resolve conflicts like this will really strengthen your relationship.

[Applewhite]

You pulled it off really well this time and can do it again by using this technique. I hope he follows suit because being able to resolve conflicts like this will really strengthen your relationship.

 

Well I don't know. He hasn't really read about the technique. I may send it to him in the near future but not sure if he will read it. Hopefully he won't tease me or bottle it up if he has conflicts.

[DN]

Well I don't know. He hasn't really read about the technique. I may send it to him in the near future but not sure if he will read it. Hopefully he won't tease me or bottle it up if he has conflicts.

Well, maybe after a few days you could compliment him and say how well that conflict was resolved and suggest that should be the way to go next time either of you has an important issue.

[Ms Darcy]

I will not respond in kind.

 

I'm glad that you resolved things this time and I hope you can get some help for the abuse you suffered.

[DN]

Moderator Note: please do not engage in personal arguments, it serves no useful purpose.

[Ms Darcy]

Moderator Note: please do not engage in personal arguments, it serves no useful purpose.

 

Definitely agreed. I am very sympathetic to you Hike. You are like my bf and I'm somewhat like yours. We've been together for a while and his complaints were like yours. We've been in therapy and it's been very useful for the counselor to point out that he was making me responsible for his feelings and fixing some pain from childhood.

 

I think counseling will really help you both long term.